‘You still don’t quite understand,’ Mr Capaldi said. Although he was standing there before me, his voice seemed to come from the edges of my vision, because all I could see still were the Mother’s eyes. ‘Let me explain to her, Chrissie. It’ll be easier coming from me. Klara, we’re not asking you to train the new Josie. We’re asking you to become her. That Josie you saw up there, as you noticed, is empty. If the day comes – I hope it doesn’t, but if it does – we want you to inhabit that Josie up there with everything you’ve learned.’
‘You wish me to inhabit her?’
‘Chrissie chose you carefully with that in mind. She believed you to be the one best equipped to learn Josie. Not just superficially, but deeply, entirely. Learn her till there’s no difference between the first Josie and the second.’
‘Henry’s telling you this now,’ the Mother said, and suddenly she was no longer partitioned, ‘like it was carefully planned. But it was never like that. I didn’t even know if I believed any of this would work. Maybe once I believed it could. But seeing that portrait up there, I don’t know any more.’
‘So you see what’s being asked of you, Klara,’ Mr Capaldi said. ‘You’re not being required simply to mimic Josie’s outward behavior. You’re being asked to continue her for Chrissie. And for everyone who loves Josie.’
‘But is that going to be possible?’ the Mother said. ‘Could she really continue Josie for me?’
‘Yes, she can,’ Mr Capaldi said. ‘And now Klara’s completed the survey up there, I’ll be able to give you scientific proof of it. Proof she’s already well on her way to accessing quite comprehensively all of Josie’s impulses and desires. The trouble is, Chrissie, you’re like me. We’re both of us sentimental. We can’t help it. Our generation still carry the old feelings. A part of us refuses to let go. The part that wants to keep believing there’s something unreachable inside each of us. Something that’s unique and won’t transfer. But there’s nothing like that, we know that now. You know that. For people our age it’s a hard one to let go. We have to let it go, Chrissie. There’s nothing there. Nothing inside Josie that’s beyond the Klaras of this world to continue. The second Josie won’t be a copy. She’ll be the exact same and you’ll have every right to love her just as you love Josie now. It’s not faith you need. Only rationality. I had to do it, it was tough but now it works for me just fine. And it will for you.’
The Mother stood up and began walking across the room. ‘You may be right, Henry, but I’m too tired to think any more. And I need to talk to Klara, talk with her alone. I’m sorry things got messy here.’ She went to where she’d left her bag hanging from one of the entrance hooks.
‘I’m really glad Klara knows,’ Mr Capaldi said. ‘In fact, I’m relieved.’ He was following behind the Mother, as if reluctant to be left alone. ‘Klara, the data may possibly highlight where you still need to put in a little more effort. But I’m glad we can speak more openly.’
‘Come on, Klara. Let’s go.’
‘So Chrissie. We’re still okay about all this?’
‘We’re fine. But I need a break from it now.’
She touched Mr Capaldi’s shoulder, then we left through the main entrance, which he hurried to open for us. He followed us to the elevator and gave a cheerful wave before the doors closed.
On the descent, the Mother took her oblong from her bag and stared at it. She put it away again as the elevator doors opened, and we walked out across the cracked concrete where the Sun was making his evening patterns through the wire fences. I’d thought there might be a chance Josie and the Father would be waiting there for us, but there was nobody, only a tree’s shadow falling across the Mother’s car, and the sounds of the city nearby.
‘Klara, honey. Get in the front.’
But when we were seated side by side, looking through the windshield at the anti-parking sign, the Mother didn’t start the car. I looked at Mr Capaldi’s building, the Sun’s patterns on its wall and its fire escapes, and I thought it curious the building could be so dirty on the outside. The Mother was again looking at her oblong.
‘They’ve gone to some burger place. Josie says she’s fine. And that he’s fine too.’
‘I hope they’re enjoying themselves.’
‘I’ve things to say to you. But let’s get out of this place.’
When we drove out of the yard into the neighborhood, we had to stop for a lady on a basket bicycle crossing our path. We stopped again a few minutes later under a long-arm traffic signal, even though there were no other cars in sight. Soon after the signal changed, we passed a large brown building set back from the sidewalk with no windows at all, but with a large central chimney, then we moved through an under-bridge area full of shadows, puddles and jump-skaters. We emerged out in the Sun’s patterns beside a building with a ‘Hiring Now’ sign, and soon we were among pedestrians, and the sidewalk had small trees. Eventually the Mother slowed, then stopped beside a sign saying ‘We Grind Our Own Beef’. The other cars had to pass noisily around us, but there was no anti-parking sign. Through the windshield, we could see another under-bridge area in front of us, and the cars that passed us were forming a line to enter it.
‘This is the place. They’re inside there.’ Then she said: ‘Paul does have a point. They need to be by themselves sometimes. Just them. They need that. We shouldn’t always be with them. You see that, Klara?’
‘Of course.’
‘She misses her father. That’s natural. So let’s just sit out here for a while.’
Up ahead the signal color changed and we watched the cars move into the darkness beneath the bridge.
‘This must all be a shock for you,’ she said. ‘You must have questions.’
‘I think I understand.’
‘Oh? You understand? You understand what I’m asking of you? And it is me asking. Not Capaldi and not Paul. In the end it’s me. That’s who it comes down to. I’m asking you to make this work. Because if it happens, if it comes again, there’s going to be no other way for me to survive. I came through it with Sal, but I can’t do it again. So I’m asking you, Klara. Do your best for me. They told me in the store you were remarkable. I’ve watched you enough to know that’s maybe true. If you set your mind to it, then who knows? It might work. And I’ll be able to love you.’
We didn’t look at each other, but kept gazing out through the windshield. Beside me, on my side, an apron man had emerged from the Grind Our Own Beef building and was sweeping the sidewalk.
‘I don’t blame Paul. He’s entitled to his feelings. After Sal, he said we shouldn’t risk it. So what if Josie doesn’t get lifted? Plenty of kids aren’t. But I could never have that for Josie. I wanted the best for her. I wanted her to have a good life. You understand, Klara? I called it, and now Josie’s sick. Because of what I decided. You see how it feels for me?’
‘Yes. I’m sorry.’
‘Feeling sorry’s not what I’m asking of you. I’m asking you to do what’s within your power. And think what it’ll mean for you. You’ll be loved like nothing else in this world. Maybe one day I’ll take up with another man. Who knows? But I promise you I’ll never love him the way I’ll love you. You’ll be Josie and I’ll always love you over everything else. So do it for me. I’m asking you to do it for me. Continue Josie for me. Come on. Say something.’
‘I did wonder. If I were to continue Josie, if I were to inhabit the new Josie, then what would happen to…all this?’ I raised my arms in the air, and for the first time the Mother looked at me. She glanced at my face, then down at my legs. Then she looked away and said:
‘What does it matter? That’s just fabric. Look, there’s something else you might consider. Maybe it doesn’t mean so much to you, me loving you. But here’s something else. That boy. Rick. I can see he’s something to you. Don’t speak, let me speak. What I’m saying is that Rick worships Josie, alwa
ys has done. If you continue Josie, you’ll have not just me but him. What will it matter that he’s not lifted? We’ll find a way to live together. Away from…everything. We’ll stay out there, just ourselves, away from all of this. You, me, Rick, his mother if she wants. It could work. But you have to pull it off. You have to learn Josie in her entirety. You hear me, honey?’
‘Until today,’ I said. ‘Until just now. I believed it was my duty to save Josie, to make her well. But perhaps this is a better way.’
The Mother turned in her seat slowly, reached out her arms and started to hug me. There was car equipment separating us, which made it hard for her to embrace me fully. But her eyes were closed in just the way they were when she and Josie rocked gently during a long embrace, and I felt her kindness sweeping through me.
* * *
—
The drivers wishing to enter the under-bridge area were annoyed at having to pass around the Mother’s car. Many gave me unfriendly stares as they went past, even though they could see I was a passenger and not responsible.
My concern however wasn’t the passing cars or their unfriendly drivers, but what was going on at that moment inside the Grind Our Own Beef. Had my mind not been momentarily filled by the Mother’s words and her embrace, I might have been able to dissuade her from going inside. But no sooner had the embrace finished – and despite her remarks about Josie and the Father needing time to themselves – she’d suddenly vanished from my side, slamming the car door behind her.
As the minutes went by, I recalled the tense moments in Mr Capaldi’s building, and wondered if, despite the discourtesy, my own arrival inside the Grind Our Own Beef might be required in order to divert proceedings from scenes of similar upset for Josie. But before I could decide, the Father appeared on the sidewalk on the other side of my window. He pointed the key device at the car, and when nothing happened, examined it more closely then pressed again. This time there were release noises around me – the Mother must have locked me in – and walking around to the traffic side, he quickly entered the car. He settled himself in the driving seat, but hardly glanced my way, staring instead towards the under-bridge area. Then he placed a hand on the steering wheel and began drumming his fingers on it.
‘Amazing how she still has this vehicle,’ he said. ‘I helped her choose it. For a while she was keen on a German car, but I told her this one would be more dependable. Well, I wasn’t wrong. At least, it’s outlasted me.’
‘Since Mr Paul is an expert engineer,’ I said, ‘he must be very good at advising when choosing cars.’
‘Not really. Car engines were never my field.’ He went on touching the steering wheel, now with some sadness.
‘Are Josie and the Mother about to come out too?’ I asked.
‘What? Oh no. No, they’re not. I don’t think they’ll come out any time soon.’ Then he said: ‘In fact Chrissie suggested I drive off somewhere. She wants me far away while she talks more with Josie.’ He seemed less angry than in Mr Capaldi’s building; indeed he was now almost dreamy. ‘To be honest, I wasn’t unhappy when Chrissie came in. You’d think I wouldn’t be pleased, her interrupting like that. But the truth is, Josie and I weren’t exactly having a light-hearted conversation. In fact I was in a tight spot. Look’ – at last he looked at me – ‘I’m sorry if I’ve behaved badly towards you. I have a feeling I may have been impolite.’
‘Please don’t worry. I now understand very well why Mr Paul may have been reluctant to greet me warmly.’
‘I’ve never been good at, well, relating to your kind. You have to excuse me. No, I didn’t mind Chrissie breaking in on us. Because Josie was in the middle of asking some tough questions, and I’d no idea, no idea at all, how to answer her. No fool, that Josie.’ He looked out again to the under-bridge area, and went on drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. ‘After that visit, I wanted us to have a relaxing time. A coffee, something to eat. But then she asks me. Since Capaldi is trying to help us, as I’ve been claiming, why do I hate him so much?’
‘How did Mr Paul reply?’
‘I’ve always been useless at lying to her. So I guess I was, you know, prevaricating. And I knew she could see right through me. That was when Chrissie came in.’
‘Does Josie suspect about…about this plan? The one in case she has to pass away?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe she suspects it, but doesn’t dare look at it. But she’s no fool. All these tough questions. Why was I so against someone doing her portrait? Well, let Chrissie have a go at answering.’ Suddenly he placed the key device into the ignition slot. ‘We’ve been instructed to get lost for a while. Until, to be precise’ – he looked at his watch – ‘five forty-five. Then we’re to rendezvous at this sushi place. All of us, apparently. Josie, Chrissie, the neighbors too. So unless you want to sit in a parked car for an hour, I suggest we drive around.’
He started the engine, but the traffic line had become so extended we couldn’t yet move. I put on the safety belt and waited. Then the lights changed up ahead and the car lurched forward.
* * *
—
Shadow and light patterns moved all around us, then we came out from the under-bridge area into an avenue of tall brown buildings. We drove past a large creature with numerous limbs and eyes, then even as I watched, a crack appeared down its center. As it divided itself, I realized it had been, all along, two separate people – a runner and a dog walk woman – moving in opposite directions who for an instant happened to be passing one another. Then came a store with a sign saying ‘Eat In Take Out’ and in front of it, a lost baseball cap on the sidewalk.
‘Was there anyplace special you wanted to go?’ the Father asked. ‘Josie mentioned something about your old store. She said we’d passed it earlier today.’
As soon as I heard him say this I recognized the opportunity it represented, and exclaimed perhaps too loudly: ‘Oh yes!’ Then controlling myself, I said more quietly: ‘If you don’t mind, I’d very much like that.’
‘She was saying it may not be there any more. That it might have moved on.’
‘I’m not certain. Even so, if Mr Paul could take us to the area, it would make me very happy.’
‘Fine. We’ve time to kill.’
At the next intersection, he turned to the right, saying as he did so: ‘I wonder how Chrissie’s getting on. What they’re talking about right now. Maybe she managed to change the topic.’
There was now more traffic and we moved slowly behind other vehicles. The Sun was sometimes visible, but he was already getting quite low and the tall buildings often blocked his view. The sidewalks were busy with office workers at the end of their work, and we passed a man on a ladder, doing something to a shiny red notice that said ‘Rotisserie Chicken’. The pedestrian crossings and Tow-Away Zone signs went by, and I could sense we were coming nearer to the store.
‘Can I ask you something?’ the Father said.
‘Yes, of course.’
‘I think Josie’s still largely in the dark. But I don’t know about you. How much you’d guessed before. How much you found out today. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind telling me what you do know.’
‘Before I visited Mr Capaldi today,’ I said, ‘I’d suspected some things, but had been ignorant of many others. Now, after this visit, I can understand Mr Paul’s unease. And I can understand his initial coldness towards me.’
‘I apologize again for that. So. They explained it all to you. How you fit into the picture.’
‘Yes. I believe they told me everything.’
‘And what do you think? Do you suppose you can pull it off? Perform this role?’
‘It won’t be easy. But I believe if I continue to observe Josie carefully, it will be within my abilities.’
‘Then let me ask you something else. Let me ask you this. Do you believe in the human heart? I don’t mean simply the organ,
obviously. I’m speaking in the poetic sense. The human heart. Do you think there is such a thing? Something that makes each of us special and individual? And if we just suppose that there is. Then don’t you think, in order to truly learn Josie, you’d have to learn not just her mannerisms but what’s deeply inside her? Wouldn’t you have to learn her heart?’
‘Yes, certainly.’
‘And that could be difficult, no? Something beyond even your wonderful capabilities. Because an impersonation wouldn’t do, however skillful. You’d have to learn her heart, and learn it fully, or you’ll never become Josie in any sense that matters.’
A public bus had stopped beside some abandoned fruit boxes. As the Father steered around it, the car behind us made angry horn noises. Then there were more angry horns, but these were further away and not aimed at us.
‘The heart you speak of,’ I said. ‘It might indeed be the hardest part of Josie to learn. It might be like a house with many rooms. Even so, a devoted AF, given time, could walk through each of those rooms, studying them carefully in turn, until they became like her own home.’
The Father sounded our own horn at a car trying to enter the traffic line from a side street.
‘But then suppose you stepped into one of those rooms,’ he said, ‘and discovered another room within it. And inside that room, another room still. Rooms within rooms within rooms. Isn’t that how it might be, trying to learn Josie’s heart? No matter how long you wandered through those rooms, wouldn’t there always be others you’d not yet entered?’
I considered this for a moment, then said: ‘Of course, a human heart is bound to be complex. But it must be limited. Even if Mr Paul is talking in the poetic sense, there’ll be an end to what there is to learn. Josie’s heart may well resemble a strange house with rooms inside rooms. But if this were the best way to save Josie, then I’d do my utmost. And I believe there’s a good chance I’d be able to succeed.’
Klara and the Sun Page 20
