As Dakota opened the next audio file, he wondered what Brenden was doing cooking and playing when work was ramping up, not down. He’d ask him later; right now he had his own work to attend to.
Dakota shifted aside to give Toothless room as the kitten clambered up onto his chair. He scratched under his chin as he retrieved his headphones. The silly little troublemaker got into everything, and Dakota never knew where he’d pop up next, but he loved the black ball of fluff, and he never thought he’d say that about a critter. Felipe would laugh his ass off if he knew.
An incoming text from Brenden interrupted him as he finished the painstaking edits on another podcast. They had a tendency to go off on tangents, and sometimes Dakota had to play with the file to get it streamlined into an hour episode. He set aside his headphones and knuckled his temple with a sigh as his picked up the phone.
I love you.
Dakota’s heart squeezed. Brenden didn’t say those words lightly, and when he did, he meant them with every breath in his body.
He braced his elbows on the desk and dropped his head into his hands. He was so scared of screwing this up. He couldn’t figure out how he could want something so bad and be so afraid to take it. The fear went beyond having his dreams dashed before. It was more than his worry that he was like his momma and every other loser that came into her life. Brenden had been there through the darkest and happiest times of his life.
He’d already hurt him once, and he couldn’t take the thought of hurting him again. He’d seen how long it had taken Brenden to heal from wounds before. After his dad’s betrayal, Brenden didn’t trust many. He’d let people in far enough to be friendly, and only a precious few got beyond his protective wall.
The sad thing was, he’d be the first person to show up to help if someone in their circle needed it and the last person to ask for help. He helped others in the con circuit all the time, usually using Dakota as an intermediary, but the thought was there all the same. Dakota was happy to help. He just never had the initial thought to do so. Not like Brenden.
I am lovable. Dakota paused after sending that and then followed it with another message. I love you too. It was nothing less than the utter truth.
He’d known he loved Brenden forever…. He was sure he’d fallen in love with him, and he wished he knew when. It seemed like an important moment he should commemorate, but it had just slipped inside of him, as natural as breathing. And as hard as he tried, he couldn’t pinpoint the when.
Dakota shut his computer down and searched for Toothless, who had wandered off when he got bored with Dakota staring at the screen. The inkblot had managed to find his way up to the lone window and stared outside with his nose pressed against the glass. Dakota picked him up. “You miss your playmate? Yeah, I miss mine too.”
Brenden was so many things to him and had the potential to be so much more if Dakota could figure himself out. They’d switched roles, and now Dakota was complicating his feelings. He had to put a stop to that.
As Dakota opened the kitchen door, the scent of Brenden’s red sauce hit him first, followed by the underlying smell of lemon cleaner. He glanced around the kitchen, noting the differences between tidy and Brenden-level of clean.
“Uh-oh, you scrubbed. What happened?” Dakota set down his kitten, who immediately took off in search of his partner in crime. There had been nothing in Brenden’s expression as he’d played with Minime to indicate he was upset, but Dakota knew what deep-level cleaning meant to Brenden.
Brenden glanced up from the kitchen table where he’d set out his laptop, phone, and notebook in a neat row. “Nothing happened. Take a peek in the oven and let me know if the lasagna looks ready to you.”
Distracted, Dakota glanced at the promised food. The final topping of cheese had melted, and the sauce bubbled around the edges. Brenden had taken the time to make lasagna just as their to-do lists were exploding in fifteen different directions. “It’s perfect. And again, I say, what’s wrong?”
“I didn’t realize something had to be wrong in order for me to make the man I love some lasagna.” Instead of irritated, Brenden sounded amused, furthering Dakota’s suspicions. Okay, maybe Brenden wasn’t upset. He could be plotting.
“It’s one of three things: either you were worrying about something and needed to work it out; two, you are an alien who replaced the man I love, for which I will have to kill you after I torture his whereabouts out of you; or three, someone has overwritten your programming, Goldenrod. Which is it?” Dakota couldn’t resist another peek at the lasagna. It had to be some heavy worries, because this level of cleaning and cooking took time.
Sex was the perfect stress release.
Dakota never would manage to slay the past image of himself at this rate. Not with thoughts like that or the occasional phone call or text from an ex who wanted to check if he was available for a no-strings night of fucking. It didn’t help when none of them believed his reason for declining was because he was in an exclusive relationship.
Dakota suppressed a sigh as Brenden’s chair scraped back. He was the one stressing Brenden out and himself in the process. He was too impatient. He should’ve held off on trying this whole committed thing until after the big con. It’s not like Brenden would’ve allowed anyone else to stake a claim on him. He was too busy, too involved in the con, and now Dakota was giving him one huge distraction and headache.
He gave Brenden a glum frown as he approached. “It was me, wasn’t it? I’m your headache.” He hated being the cause of Brenden’s problems.
“Yes, but not in the way you think.” Brenden stopped in front of him, and there was a loving warmth in his gaze that caught at Dakota’s heart and made him breathless at the same time. Brenden lifted his hands to frame Dakota’s face, and a sweet smile crossed his lips. Dakota’s pulse sped up as his instincts warred between wanting to kiss him senseless and wallowing in this tender moment. “I was thinking about you and me.”
“Yeah?” Dakota swallowed around a tight throat as Brenden touched his forehead to Dakota’s. “I’m guessing you’re not about to break up with me if you’re smiling. Even if I’ve been driving you crazy.”
“Dakota, we have been driving each other batshit from the moment we met.” Brenden chuckled, and his eyes were so brilliant that Dakota felt himself getting lost in them. Brenden had the knack of making him feel vulnerable in a way that felt just right. “I don’t think that’s ever going to change. I hope it never changes. Sometimes I’m slow, and I’m not the best with people, so it took me a while to figure it out. You and me, what we’ve got, that doesn’t just go away.”
Dakota closed his eyes and framed Brenden’s face in return. Brenden gave him the hope to believe in a future. He worked for what he wanted, what he believed was possible. He considered the risks and countered them but didn’t let them deter him. He also played it safe. Maybe that’s what Dakota gave him in return, the ability to dare a little more than he would’ve. To jump and risk everything on a moment. Dakota was good at moments. Futures scared the fuck out of him.
“I don’t want to lose you, Bren. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” So this was what being in love felt like, huge and terrifying and magical at the same time. He’d never recognized it because he’d been half in love with Brenden for forever.
“You won’t. Look at me.” Brenden waited until Dakota opened his eyes and he smiled again. “You won’t. That’s what hit me. What I’ve known all along, but I’ve been as afraid to face it as much as you have. You and me, we’re not going anywhere alone. Whatever future we have, whatever challenges and obstacles, we’ll do it together. We won’t turn our backs on each other. Even when we’re pissed off and mad, we come back around and make it work.”
Dakota couldn’t deny that. And there had been times when they’d both been jerks for longer than he cared to admit, and yet they’d always worked it out because their bond had mattered far more than the injuries and irritations.
“You figured all that out while
scrubbing the kitchen and playing with your kitten?” Dakota might have to give this cleaning thing a try. The lighthearted question did nothing to stop the terror clawing at his heart. The fear of fucking this up.
“You should try it sometime. Putting things together brings remarkable clarity. To be honest, I was trying to come up with a way to seduce you that you would fall for. I even went so far as to go find your handcuffs.”
Those words and the wicked smile that flickered across Brenden’s lips distracted him. Brenden and handcuffs. Okay, that was cheating. Dakota knew he should go back to the topic at hand, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking. “What were you planning on doing with my handcuffs?”
Brenden was too close, too appealing. Dakota broke free of his embrace and stepped back before his lips took over and he kissed Brenden. He wasn’t sure if he could stop himself if that happened, and he was sure Brenden would encourage him instead of being his usual responsible self.
“Well, I was planning on tying you to the bed. Since you have this rule about no mutual touching after a certain point, I was going to have you watch while I touched myself.” Dakota dropped his head into his hands with a groan as Brenden changed the temperature on the oven with another soft laugh that caressed his oversensitized skin. “Yeah, I thought that might get you.”
Dakota had never encountered this side of Brenden, and it intrigued the hell out of him. He wasn’t one to hand over control to many, but Brenden tempted him. He’d never taken advantage of Dakota, even when he could’ve. Despite Brenden’s guilty feelings over kissing him back when they were teenagers, he’d put a stop to it.
No, if he thought of kissing Brenden right now, he would do it and be right back in the tangle he was in a moment ago. He had reasons for the hands-off, even if he was having a hard time remembering why. He had a reason why, right?
“Brenden, I thought I was trying to romance you. When did you decide to seduce me? When the hell did we switch roles?” Dakota grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator to occupy his mouth and hands.
“I hope you don’t stop. I’m enjoying that. But I don’t see why we can’t both romance and seduce each other.” Brenden slid the lasagna out of the oven, the bread in, and then pulled a salad out of the refrigerator. “I thought I’d do both tonight, and dinner is a part of the romancing bit.”
Dakota slumped against the counter and took a long pull on his beer. Brenden was offering him everything he could ever want, and he wasn’t even asking for promises and assurances that Dakota wasn’t sure he could give him. Brenden was trusting him, and that terror returned even stronger.
He’d been offered his dreams before, and they had saved and wounded him. His aunt and uncle had given him a home when he needed it the most. A stable, loving home that he’d wished for. But in the process, he’d lost his momma. There had been good memories of her mixed in with the bad, and there had always been the hope that the good could come back until it was gone. She’d run off with her last guy, another junkie, and Dakota didn’t hear from her for years. Then he’d gotten the scholarship to college and lost it before a year had passed, and with it, his aspirations of the future. That’s why living in the moment and not dreaming ahead was easier.
“But what if something happens, Bren?” Dakota said in a choked voice, and that was all he could get out of his hidden fears. Both of them understood loss. The kind of loss that could break you if you let it. That’s what scared him. If he lost Brenden…. Dakota shook his head in utter denial. He couldn’t even think of that.
Brenden’s gaze sharpened. “What is it?” Dakota shook his head again and looked away. “I’m not going anywhere, Dakota. Come on. You have to know that.”
“You can’t control everything,” Dakota snapped and immediately felt bad as shock and remembered pain flickered in Brenden’s eyes. He turned away and paced, gesturing with his beer bottle. “Both of us know shit fucking happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. People leave us behind. You know that even better than I do, whether intentionally like my momma or not like yours.”
“Do you think I’d be any less devastated if you died and we were still just best friends and not lovers?” Brenden asked, and the intensity in his voice stopped Dakota cold. He could see Brenden’s point, but it didn’t make the fear any less. Dammit, this was one of the reasons why he’d never gotten involved in the first place.
Dakota set his beer down on the counter with a hard thunk. But like Brenden said… he’d be crushed if he lost Brenden, whether or not Kent Island had ever happened. He closed his eyes as Brenden’s arms came around him. Right here, this was the only place he wanted to be, and he had to hold on to it.
“This is part of the all I was talking about.” Brenden laid his chin on Dakota’s shoulder. “And it scares you as much as it scares me.”
Dakota rested his hands over Brenden’s and held on. “There’s no one I’d rather be scared with.” Yeah, he’d be just as crushed if they were lovers or friends or both. But he couldn’t push Brenden away to save them. He couldn’t live like that. “So, I guess this means we’re in it together. Like always.”
Brenden nodded his head against him, and Dakota heaved a long sigh of release. All that fighting his yearning, of taking his time to romance Brenden, had led to this moment of certainty. As frustrating as it had been, Dakota would do it all over again just to have this moment.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
BRENDEN BREATHED in the long-familiar scent of Dakota and clung to the sensation of them holding on to each other. This was where they belonged, and he wasn’t going to let anything stand in their way. Not well-meaning friends or family. Not their own fears.
“I’ve spent too long believing you and me were wrong. There’s nothing wrong about us.”
Dakota drew in a long sigh. “That’s one of the few things I’m sure about.” He turned around and pulled Brenden closer. “I’m sure of you.”
“And I am of us.” Brenden pulled back enough to turn off the oven, and then he took Dakota’s hand, his heart beating faster. “I really am.”
A slow smile crossed Dakota’s lips with a glint of his usual humor in his eyes. “Does this mean no dinner?” he asked as he followed Brenden down the hall.
“Dinner can wait. This is much more important.” He’d been expecting more of a fight, and if Dakota wasn’t so tied up in his own fears, he would’ve given him one. Then again, maybe not. Dakota always had been a contrary man, one of the many qualities that both exasperated and endeared him to Brenden. Even after all this time, Dakota still had the power to astonish him.
“If I kiss you, I’m not going to be able to stop,” Dakota said as they reached the bedroom door. “I’ve exceeded my quota of behaving for life. It’s going to be total inappropriate behavior from now on.”
“Oh, the horror.” Brenden drew him inside and shut the door. “Let’s start with that, then.” As much as he’d longed for Dakota and spent the last too long, too many weeks imagining every single way he could get him naked in bed, right now he was in no rush. He wanted to love all over Dakota until he stopped thinking about being afraid and lived in the moment with him again. They took turns with that problem, but lucky for them the other one was always ready to pull him out of the rut.
Dakota leaned back against the door as Brenden kissed him, hungry and tender, aching for more contact. He slid his hands into Dakota’s hair as Dakota wrapped his arms around him and held him tight.
Brenden felt shaky all over, and he suspected Dakota felt the same. It was like Kent Island all over again, only this time the both of them recognizing the power of the moment and not letting themselves be carried away by it. Dakota turned them both, pinning Brenden to the door as the hunger he’d been holding back unleashed. He set Brenden’s senses on fire. His fantasies never came close to the reality. Brenden groaned against his lips, arching his body against Dakota’s.
Dakota broke away with a stinging nip to Brenden’s lip that had his cock surging. He had
an image of Dakota fucking him hard and fast against the door, and he suppressed a moan that would only encourage him. Later. He’d let Dakota fuck him later. He had his own agenda first.
“Wait,” Brenden managed, his thoughts whirling as Dakota latched on to his throat. He didn’t want to wait, though. It felt so damn good.
Dakota groaned and dropped his head onto Brenden’s shoulder. “Please tell me you haven’t changed your mind. No pressure, but my dick may explode.”
Brenden laughed weakly. “I think I’m in a similar state.”
“Good.” Dakota unbuttoned Brenden’s shirt with fumbling, impatient fingers. “No need to wait, then.”
Oh, sweet heaven. Brenden’s eyes rolled back as Dakota tormented his throat again with little nips and sucks that had his whole body tingling. His brain could not seem to work past his body screaming yes. He’d think more clearly when they were both naked. He fisted his hand in Dakota’s hair, arching into him. “Just a little harder.”
Dakota bit the curve of his neck, and Brenden shuddered with a breathy moan. Oh yeah, just like that. Dakota pulled back, his gaze hot. “How the fuck I ever thought you were a prude….”
Brenden wanted to respond, but Dakota’s mouth called him again and Brenden claimed it with another searing kiss. They fumbled with each other’s clothes, pulling and tugging and cursing between stealing kisses and breathless laughter. Somehow they made it to the bed, though Brenden didn’t remember the journey. All he could concentrate on was running his hands over Dakota’s bare skin and savoring the sensation of Dakota doing the same to him.
Their legs hit the bed, and they tumbled over in a tangle of limbs that turned into a wrestling match until Dakota sprawled on top of him, their fingers laced together. Brenden groaned as Dakota rocked against him. This was what he wanted. Dakota’s hard, naked body next to his own. It was almost perfect. Almost, but there was one little detail he needed to change.
A Beautiful Disaster Page 23
