It feels like I’m in the hallway with Dillon all over again. I’m not like Kayden. I’m still the same frightened me. Maybe our time together hasn’t changed me after all.
I hate this.
“Fine, we’ll leave you alone. But when you get bored of the guy who can’t talk to you, come find me. I’ll show you a real good time.” the guy named Bryan says before reaching over and stroking his hand over a stray piece of my hair, causing my body to shiver and them both to laugh in response.
Disregarding the comment, but unable to ignore the movement entirely, I put my focus back down on the paper in front of me and go back to doing what I should have been all along. Answering Isaac.
It was really nice. I got to spend it with my boyfriend. A whole weekend of watching movies and relaxing. It was awesome.
His name is Kayden right? Isaac writes and I smile before responding.
Yeah.
Does he go here? I never see you with him when we leave class.
No, he doesn’t. He’s in Toronto. He comes home on weekends, well, when he doesn’t have a game.
Instead of writing back the way I expect, he nods instead but this time, his eyes crinkle and there’s the faintest hint of a smile on his lips. It’s only after a few seconds of watching it happen that I realize he’s written me back and is now holding the paper out again.
I’m really glad you had a good weekend with your boyfriend. You seem happier than you did last week.
So do you. :)
It’s been a really long time since I’ve written happy faces on an actual piece of paper and doing it with Isaac reminds me of the times that I did it with Kayden. It’s another reminder that the roles are reversed here and Isaac is like me and I’m like the guy I fell in love with.
I am.
Any special reason why?
His response is immediate and it melts my heart.
Kayden was right. I can do this. I’m starting to think he was right about the whole thing. I really am the only one who can.
I finally found a friend. Thanks for being my friend, Isabelle. :)
Chapter Four
Kayden
“Come on, man! I know that you miss your girl, but we’ve been here for weeks now and you haven’t come out with us once!”
This is the third time this week that he’s asked me to come out with them and it’s the third time I’m turning him down. Hanging out with a bunch of guys, getting wasted and watching as they all run off and hook up with random chicks might have been my idea of a good time a few years ago, but it’s definitely not anymore.
I’d rather spend the night alone texting back and forth with my girlfriend than party and I don’t give a fuck how boring it makes me look. The days of me getting wasted to block out my shitty ass life are over.
My life is anything but shitty now. It’s damn near perfect.
Peter puts his hands up in my face, pretending to pray or beg, I’m not sure which and I laugh. I’m not even sure why he bothers considering he’s not gonna get me to change my mind.
I made sure when I got here to tell all of them about Belle. I don’t even know why the hell I did it, but it was like somehow I knew deep down that the partying, drinking and hookups were waiting around the bend the same way they were in high school and I wanted to head it off at the pass.
It’s something that comes with the territory when you play ball. It was a fucking religion in Wexfield and I can only imagine it’s even worse here. People take their football seriously, even though Toronto is known as hockey country.
“Dude, just one time! I swear to god if you come tonight, I won’t ever ask again.”
The idea of him finally screwing off and never bugging me about it again makes his offer slightly more appealing than it was a few minutes ago, but I’m still not gonna say yes. I can tell by the look on Dillon’s face he finds the entire thing hilarious.
That’s where we’re different. He may be with Cadence and they might be as tight as me and Belle, but he still goes out and parties. He just knows his limits. I know mine too, but I also remember the way I used to be and I’m definitely not itching to go back down that road. I never screwed around with random girls, but I did drink enough where it could have happened if I wasn’t so withdrawn.
The last thing I wanna do is start drinking at a college party, end up wasted and make the biggest mistake of my life because I’m missing my girlfriend way too fucking much and the idea of a warm body beside me is appealing.
When I have sex for the first time, it’s damn sure gonna mean more than some drunken hookup with a nameless face I’ll instantly want to purge from my system in the morning. That is if I even remembered it in the morning.
I’m not Dean.
“You know he’s not gonna let up until you say yes. You might as well come and bail out later.” Dillon says and I hate the fact that he’s even suggesting this. He knows how I am better than anyone, he should be the one telling Peter to screw off asking.
“Exactly! You’re missing a good time staying in every night. Come on K, live a little.”
There it is again; someone else calling me K. It’s one thing when Isabelle calls me it because when it comes from her lips it almost sounds magical, but anyone else, using it like my name is one letter or some shit, it brings up memories I’d rather not have. Something Dillon remembers well because he answers before I get the chance to.
“If you want him to come, you might wanna lay off calling him that. Just saying.”
“Don’t you guys realize that high school relationships never work out? I mean come on! Can you really go all week without getting some? That’s some crazy shit! Come to the damn party and find some fun a little closer.”
If he doesn’t shut up right now, I’m gonna beat the shit out of him.
I might be a different person, laying off completely when it comes to the violence but it doesn’t mean it’s gone entirely. I’m still the same as Dillon. I’m a hair trigger away at any moment from wailing on someone and right now Peter is looking like a prime candidate.
No fucking way is he gonna make light of what I have with Belle. Maybe high school relationships do crash and burn, but ours won’t because I won’t let it. Not when this whole future I’m working toward depends solely on having her in it.
I want my vision to come true. The dreams I have that center on her and our life together. I don’t care if we’re on opposite ends of the world from each other. I might screw it up, but I’m not gonna screw it up this way.
“Not doing it man, sorry. I’d rather sit here and have a FaceTime date with my girlfriend.”
FaceTime. That’s another new thing for us. I came home one night from class and saw Dillon on his laptop, Caddy large on the screen, the both of them on Skype and that’s when it hit me. It didn’t just have to be calls and texts with me and Belle. We live in a time where everything is done online now and being together should be no different.
It’s not exactly being in the same room with her, but it beats not seeing her at all or relying on the pictures I ask her for almost every other day when we’re apart.
“Really? A warm body grinding up and down on you as an option and you’re choosing to have internet sex?”
I can’t help it. Hearing everything come back to sex with this guy makes me laugh. There’s no denying the way my body reacts whenever I’m within a foot of my girlfriend, but hell, there has to be more to life than just thinking with your dick.
Spoken like a true virgin.
“Dill, talk some sense into your man. He’s only gonna make me go harder at him denying it this way.”
Dillon throws me a look, one that’s part sympathetic and part annoyed and I know exactly how he feels because I’m sure I’m giving him the same damn one back. There’s no way in hell he’s gonna have better luck talking me into this so he’s not even gonna try.
It’s part of the reason it was easy to be his friend again. We’re so fucking alike it’s disgusting. I’m starting to think he s
hould have been my brother instead of Dean.
“Yeah, fine. I’ll get him there, but not with you standing here going on about it.”
The minute Peter moves for the door, his back to us, Dillon rolls his eyes and I snicker quietly. I was right. He might go to the parties and even want me to go, but he’s definitely not gonna push it.
“Cave in, Kayden. You know you wanna.”
With Peter’s final words said, he makes his way from our room and Dillon kicks the door closed before throwing himself on his bed and sighing.
“You know he’s never gonna let up.”
“Yeah I’m aware of that, but it doesn’t change anything. You know how I feel about it.”
“I do, but he’s right. You know I love Caddy to death and won’t ever do something intentional to screw it up, but we’re here and they aren’t. We deserve to have some fun too.”
“Let me ask you something. Does she agree with what you just said?”
“What part exactly?”
“Deserving to have fun without them.”
“Yeah actually she does. We’ve talked about it. As long as I don’t drink too much or put myself in situations with girls, she’s okay with me going out with the guys and I’m pretty sure Belle’s the same way.”
This blows. He’s right. I’m pretty damn sure if I talked to Belle about this, she would tell me to go out and have fun. She wouldn’t want me putting my life on hold because we’re not together. She might have a different way of having fun, a lot of the time choosing to do it on her own, but that doesn’t mean she wants me to be the same.
She’s the most understanding and trusting girl on the planet considering how long I spent proving how unworthy of that trust I was before we got together.
“You know I’m right, that’s why you’re silent.”
“So what if you are?”
“Tell the truth. Do you have a FaceTime date with her tonight or was that bullshit?”
“Not entirely bullshit because I was gonna text her about it when you got out of here, but it wasn’t planned.”
“Then text her and tell her that you’re coming out with me. That I’ve got your back and I’ll make sure you get home safe. Do it this one time and get Peter off your ass.”
Almost as if she’s got some kind of radar, my phone starts going off, her text tone, playing in a loop. Lowering my eyes from Dillon, I focus on the words in front of me and the way even hearing that familiar tone makes me feel.
I’m home safe. Eric called and said he wanted to see a movie tonight since Amelia is busy with Mom stuff. Wish you were here to go with us.
Jesus. Even her text seems like she knows about the conversation we were just having. With her going to the movies with Eric, it means the night became wide open.
Wish I was there to go with you too. Dill and some of the other guys on the team wanted me to go to some party. I wasn’t gonna go but if you’re gonna be out tonight, might as well.
“Is that her?” Dillon asks and I put my attention back on him while I wait for her to respond.
“Yeah. She’s going to the movies with Eric tonight.”
“So that means—”
“Yeah, I know what it means.” I answer back just as the phone goes off again.
Okay. Have fun! Text me when you get home. <3
So damn trusting. She doesn’t even question it. Dillon was right again. She is just like Cadence. She doesn’t care if I go out with the guys because she loves me enough to trust that I won’t do anything to completely screw everything up and hurt her again.
I wish I trusted myself as much as she does. Shit, I’m jealous of the level of trust she has in me.
“One time, Dill. I’ll go tonight but after that, no more.”
Giving him my answer, there’s really nothing left to do now but answer her back even though I don’t want to do any of this. Even spending the night alone in my room is more appealing than going out with these guys.
God. I’m the most depressing asshole in the world right now.
I will. Have fun with Eric. I love you <3
Remember when I said that I would bring a book and you with me if the world was ending? I lied. All I want is you. I love you more, Kay. <3
Grinning like an idiot, feeling my heart swell up inside my chest with the words she texted, I put my phone in sleep mode and slip it into my back pocket before getting off the bed and heading for the door.
“Come on, let’s get this over with.”
Belle
He doesn’t think I know, but the way Kayden spends his time when he’s not at practice or in class, I know all about it and I don’t like it.
I knew him going away was going to be hard and I’m definitely feeling the distance, but it seems like it’s worse for him.
During the time period where he had completely written me off, I still found ways to watch him. Observe and see the way he was and it was nothing like the way he is now. As happy as I am that he’s so committed to us and making sure I’m alright all the time, I hate that he seems to be throwing his own enjoyment away to do it.
He liked to party before. I used to hear him talking about it in the hall with Tim, Dillon and the others. He seemed happy about it at the time, but now after talking to Cadence, who got the information from Dillon, it seems like he’s not having fun at all.
He spends most nights in his room texting, facetiming or calling me and that’s it. So when Eric called and asked me to go to the movies, I had this brilliant idea of texting Dillon and asking him to get Kayden out so they could have some fun for once.
I feel bad not admitting to it when I texted him earlier, but it had to be done. Kayden shouldn’t stop living just because we’re not in the same place. It doesn’t mean he loves me any less or that he’s betraying me in any way. The way he was a couple of years ago isn’t the way he is now and I know it. I just need him to know it too.
He’s coming to the party.
Okay good. Thank you.
Don’t thank me. If Kayden wants to survive being here, especially with these guys, he needs this. So thank you.
Dillon’s words tell me everything I need to know. I was right. He has been shutting himself off from everyone and it needs to stop. It will affect the way things go for him there and that can’t happen. This was supposed to be an easy adjustment with how outgoing he’s always been, not a hard one.
Take care of him please.
Always. Tell Carmen I said hey.
Seeing his final text, I’m reminded of how different everything is from a year ago.
Dillon saying this last fall would have been crazy. Impossible. Never gonna happen in a million years kind of thing, but now, it’s the most natural thing in the world.
It’s more proof of my letter coming to life. Dillon changed, no longer calling us names and he’d even gone so far as to help Eric out when his girlfriend Amelia had issues with Tim. He turned out to be not so different from Kayden after all and the way I saw him when he cornered me and said he missed his best friend, its reality now.
Dillon can say it was a game. That it was all leading up to what happened at homecoming, but I’m not sure I’ll ever believe it. I saw something in him then and I’m glad I was right.
It also helps that he’s dating Cadence. If he ever tried going back to the way he was, she’d stop it. It’s one of the things I like most about her. She may be deaf, but she doesn’t let it stop her. She’s tough and I admire that. I’m even a little jealous of it.
If I’d been like her, maybe the stuff I went through with Amy wouldn’t have happened. But then, I also wouldn’t have Kayden either. So maybe being the way I am isn’t so bad.
I just hope doing all of this does what I want it to and Kayden enjoys himself. Us being apart, doing things separately isn’t supposed to be a bad thing. We’re both working toward what we want to do with our lives in the future. The one we’re going to share together if the way we feel means anything.
Kayden shouldn�
��t shut himself off from that, because if he does, I’m afraid there won’t be much of a future at all. For him or for us.
Chapter Five
Kayden
“Yo Dill! My phone’s dead. Can I use yours?”
True to my words earlier in the night, I left the party not even an hour after I got there. The surprising thing was that Dillon, who normally stays all night actually left with me.
Back in our room, trying to get the stench of old cigarettes and booze off me, I sling my shirt halfway across the room. I’m half tempted to light it on fire just to rid myself of the night. Hearing him mumble off his acceptance as he turns and leaves the room, I reach over and grab it off the desk.
When I left earlier, my battery was already past the halfway point, well on its way to ultimate death, so seeing the black screen the minute I got into the room wasn’t a surprise. Thing is, not even a dead battery is gonna stop me from texting my girl, even knowing that she’s probably still out with Eric and wouldn’t get it until later.
Pulling up the messaging screen, I slide through the contacts until my finger lands on hers. It’s a deal me and Dillon made when we came out here. We’d both keep our girlfriends numbers handy just in case something like what happened tonight occurred. Laying my finger down heavily on the screen, it loads up the message box, but instead of a blank screen the way I’m expecting, there’s actual messages.
What the hell does Dillon have to talk to Belle about?
Scrolling up to the beginning of the message box, it doesn’t take me very long to find out.
He’s coming to the party.
Okay good. Thank you.
Don’t thank me. If Kayden wants to survive being here, especially with these guys, he needs this. So thank you.
Take care of him please.
Always. Tell Carmen I said hey.
Belle, the girl I haven’t been able to get out of my head one second since I landed in Toronto weeks ago, has been talking to Dillon about me. Not just about me either, but about how I’m acting since I got here.
All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) Page 4
