“Is it something serious?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, because I ran out of jokes.” He says, his face deadpan. It’s only when I roll my eyes at him that he breaks and laughs again. “What’s on your mind?”
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing helping Isaac or do you think I’m just making everything worse?”
When we went to the movies a few days ago, I filled him in on everything that happened so far with Bryan and Randy and how Isaac seemed to react. Eric doesn’t know about Isaac being autistic, but with what I’m asking, it won’t be long until I tell him.
“Can’t see you doing anything that would make things worse for him. From what you told me, he already has it pretty bad. As bad as we did anyway.”
“Something happened Wednesday after class.”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“Those guys tried something with me and Isaac got mad. One minute he was squeezing my hand super tight and the next he was hitting one of them. It was scary, Eric. I’m just not sure me trying to help him is actually helping.”
He goes quiet and where I expect him to say something, offer up some kind of advice or tell me again that I’m doing the right thing, he does the complete opposite.
“Does Kayden know?”
“No, but with his practice schedule and our classes, we haven’t really gotten a chance to talk the last few days. A few texts here and there and do you really think I should tell him this in a text message?”
“Probably not. You need to tell him though. What Isaac did, that’s pretty badass. He should know that you’re not completely alone and that you’re protected.”
“He’s gonna want to come home when I tell him.”
“Yeah he is.”
“That can’t happen.”
“Kayden’s like a hurricane when it comes to you, Belle. Maybe it can’t happen and he’s better off in Toronto playing football and working towards his future, but you’re a pretty big part of that future. If telling him this makes him want to come back, you won’t be able to stop him.”
I know this. It was hard enough getting Kayden to agree to go in the first place. Admitting to him that there’s a couple of guys causing trouble for me, it’s going to make him even worse than he was this summer. He will come home and I won’t be able to stop it, no matter how good of an argument I come up with.
“What do I do about Isaac?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Be his friend.”
“Then it looks like you’ve got your answer, but tell Kayden. We’ve spent too long keeping things inside thinking we could just ignore it and it would go away. Don’t do it anymore, even if these guys are harmless.”
He’s right. When Kayden gets home tonight, I’m going to tell him everything, no matter what happens in the end. I just wish that doing it didn’t have to mean things had to change again.
Hasn’t there been enough of that already?
Chapter Eight
Kayden
When I finally pull into the driveway, get out and make my way inside, I’m a man on a mission.
I need something to shut my mind off. I need the one person that no matter what’s going on can look at me and whatever I might have been thinking or feeling at the time fades away into nothingness until all I’m experiencing is her.
The softness of her lips, the tender way she touches me, whether we’re playing around, dancing, talking or even across from each other at the table. The look in her eyes every single time they’re trained on me. The heart stopping way she says my name.
I just need Belle.
She doesn’t disappoint.
No sooner do my feet step into the house than she’s running for me, my arms opening up just wide enough to catch her as she falls into them. Picking her up, wrapping her around me and kissing her, it’s the perfect homecoming.
Dean, the stupid conversation with his lawyer, and the truth that Dillon wanted me to see in the car all fades away and I’m caught up in her. The way her hair smells like peaches and cream, her lips taste like strawberries, and the tiny sound she lets escape the exact second our tongues meet.
This moment right now with her, it’s all I’ll ever need. As easily as it undoes me, it also has the power to put me back together. Isabelle Reagan owns me.
“God, I needed that.” I admit, my voice breathless, completely altered by the affect that just having her near me brings.
She blushes, her cheeks flushing that familiar shade of crimson before leaning in again and putting her lips back on mine. This kiss, it’s different than the first, but no less captivating because of the reaction that brought it on.
I still can’t believe it took me eight years to experience this.
“Welcome home.”
Those words have been playing in my head on a loop since last weekend. The gentle way she says and means them so completely is impossible to ignore. I want to believe she knows and understands what hearing them means to me, but I’m not sure she does. How true they are and not because we’re standing in a house that’s technically ours.
It’s because when she says welcome home to me, it’s her. She’s my home.
“Don’t ever stop saying that to me, Belle. I swear to god.”
The way my voice pleads and she reacts to it with a playful smile, it’s my undoing. This isn’t about a distraction anymore. I’m definitely distracted. Now I just want more.
“Did you cook this time?”
“No.” she whispers and that’s all I need. Moving so quickly I can feel her nails digging into my shoulders, the shock of the movement startling her, I don’t stop until we’re where I need us to be. Her lying on the sofa and me on top of her, capturing her lips with mine again, driven by my need for a deeper connection.
Bringing my arms around her, sliding my hands up under her shirt needing skin to skin contact, I deepen the kiss, Belle meeting me with a hunger of her own until we’re drowning in each other.
This is not the first time we’ve been in a position like this, but it is the first time where I’ve relinquished complete control. I don’t think I can stop the fire that’s burning in me now, the ways I want to experience this beautiful girl who fits so perfectly with me too strong.
I’m fucking addicted. A complete goner. Lost to the rest of the world.
Breaking away long enough to catch some air, she exhales and my name escapes in the most beautiful sounding breathless melody which my body responds to, screaming to put my lips back on her. Ignoring it completely, I lean my head into hers instead, settling for the level of closeness it brings. The closeness that has to be enough right now.
As badly as I want to be with her in every single way, it’s not going to happen on a sofa on some random weekend I can make it down from school. It’s going to mean more than that.
It’s going to mean everything.
“Belle, I need to move.” I say, my voice shaking under the intensity of the look I see her in her eyes. The freaking fire blazing there that’s only for me.
“Why?”
Damnit. The sad way she’s asks, it makes my chest ache. Her eyes are lowering now too. No way. I can’t let her think I’m stopping this because I don’t want her.
“Belle,” I start, my voice still shaking despite how clear everything I want to say is in my head. “I need to move because if I don’t, it’s going to go a lot farther than I think we’re ready for.”
“I’m ready, Kayden.”
Fuck. Me.
“Not here. Not like this. I want it to be special. Epically freaking perfect. But just because I want it to mean more for us, doesn’t mean I don’t want you, because baby, I want you so damn bad it physically hurts.”
Please let this work. Let this erase the doubt she has about her effect on me.
“You want me?”
Pressing my lips to hers, pulling her bottom lip with my teeth, sucking on it so strongly, I know I’m going to leave a mark, I get my p
oint across in the only other way I know how.
I’ve never wanted to be with a girl so badly in my entire freaking life.
There was always something stopping me before and I had no idea at the time what that was, but I know now. It was her. It was always meant to be Belle. No one else could ever compare. I would wait another eight years to be with this girl if that’s what it took to prove to her she’s the only one for me.
“Yes, Belle. I don’t want anybody but you.”
“I want you too, Kayden.”
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat until the blood rushing from my head to my crotch stops.
“Ugh, this is too hard.”
“What’s hard, Kay?”
“Resisting.”
“So don’t resist?”
Breathe Kayden.
Who am I kidding? If she keeps saying things like that, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to breathe right again. She’ll have stolen the breath right from my body.
Speaking is becoming too difficult but I know that if I press my lips to hers right now, she’s going to get her wish and I won’t resist and the idea I have, the one where I make our first time as perfect as it can possibly be will be blown to shit.
“You don’t—know what you’re saying. What it’s doing to me.” I manage to stammer out, the words hitching in my throat, almost as if they don’t want to be spoken. My reaction, it’s from the part of my body that right now doesn’t get a say.
“Tell me.”
Can I do that? Should I? I know she’s not like most girls and everything we’re sharing together she’s experiencing for the first time, but is she ready to hear exactly what being this way with her is doing to me?
“Are you sure you want to know?”
“I took Sex Ed, Kayden. I get the basic idea.” She laughs softly and it eases the constriction in my chest. Maybe I can get through this after all. As long as we’re talking, I can focus on something other than the other places I want her lips to be.
Shit, Kayden. Focus.
“It’s not the physical stuff, Belle. It’s everything else.”
“Like what?”
“Like the way my pulse races looking at your lips. The way it’s taking every bit of restraint and focus I have not to completely bury myself in you right now. Breathe you in, experience you completely. Belle, you’re unravelling me.”
She sucks in a breath and I see a wave of understanding flash through her eyes.
“It’s not just me?”
Oh dear god. I can’t take this anymore.
“No, it’s not just you. Never just you. I really need to move.”
Hating myself the minute I push off her, feeling the disconnection and the knot it brings to the surface inside me, I swallow the lump in my throat and force it down.
I’m doing the right thing. I need to remember that. She’s gonna be glad I did it this way when we finally are together.
She shifts on the sofa, throwing her legs over, ones I notice are bare most of the way up with the shorts she’s wearing, until she’s completely sitting up. Her hand stretches out until her fingers are wrapping around mine, pulling me closer to her.
When I’m close enough for my hands to be able to touch her again, stroke her face, run my fingers through her hair, she lifts my hand and places it over her heart. That’s when I feel it. Her reaction to me. The very real thing I just explained taking place inside her just as easily as it did with me.
“That’s what you do to me, Kay, but for the first time in a long time, I’m not worried about what my heart beating that fast is gonna mean because I know the cause of it. It’s you. It’s me wanting you.”
“Belle…”
I’m coming unglued. Separating from her was supposed to stop this. It was supposed to tame it, even if it was only momentarily. It wasn’t supposed to make it worse. Her words, they’re like shots straight to my heart. Her reaction, I’m a selfish bastard because I want more of it.
“I don’t want to resist it, Kay.”
In a move so unlike her that I don’t see it coming, she leans back on the sofa, pulling me with her, using strength I wasn’t even aware she had until we’re connected again.
“Belle—what are you doing?”
“Succumbing.”
Hearing the word, knowing what it means even if I’ve never had a reason to use it before, I finally do the one thing that she’s been asking me to do since I got home.
I stop resisting.
Belle
I don’t know what’s gotten into me. All I know is that everything he said he was feeling when we were kissing, combined with the way his hands felt on my body, I don’t want it to end.
Sex is a tricky subject for me. I know about it. I mean it’s hard not to when every movie seems to have scenes of it along with books dedicated to it. Add that to everything I’ve learned about it in school and I think I’ve got the mechanics down better than anyone. That’s not the issue.
It’s tricky because it’s something I never expected to happen for me.
My issues, it makes connecting to people hard, let alone in a way as intimate as this. Until Kayden I didn’t even know how to kiss, let alone go any further. I want to go further though, but only with him.
I might be different in a whole lot of ways, but in this way, I’m the same as every other girl on the planet. I want the same things as them, I know it. I just don’t want to suck at it.
Making out with Kayden, it’s happened a lot over the last year. We seem to get to these heated points where it feels like at any moment we could combust, but we stop before it actually happens. Before it was me putting the brakes on because I knew I wasn’t ready. I was still adapting to what it felt like to be someone’s girlfriend, let alone being Kayden’s. I was definitely not ready for a serious step like that.
We’ve been together almost a year though. I’ve adjusted and I’m ready to progress to the next step. That’s what all of this is about right now. I don’t want him to resist because I want to have this with him. Even if it hurts the way it’s been explained. The pain will only be temporary and I know Kayden will take care of me when it happens.
I didn’t know what to do when he pulled away. My heart sank. I really thought he didn’t want me. That maybe my being inexperienced wasn’t something he wanted to deal with. It’s only after he explained it that I understood and it’s what brought me to the point we’re at now.
His scent, the cologne he wears mixed with sweat, it’s all I can smell. It’s strong but not in a way that causes me distress. It’s intoxicating and intensifies the tingle that appears every time he places his lips to my skin. His small exhales of breath tickle me, which causes my body to shiver and move in ways that are familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time.
These sensations, they’re ones I’ve had in bad situations, but never in a moment like this. I’m experiencing this for the first time and instead of being scared, I just want to give in to it until I’m lost completely.
The way his skin feels when I’m running my fingers over it, it’s a contradiction. Hard and soft at the same time, kind of the same way Kayden has been since I’ve known him. With each touch his body seems to relax even more which just makes me crave even more closeness with him.
As amazing as this all feels, I know it won’t go past a certain point. I want my first time to be the way he wants it to be, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy every second afforded me in the moment.
Kayden’s the one. My one.
His lips find mine again and it burns. A head to toe burn. One that lingers long after the kiss is broken and he’s trailing a line of butterfly kisses from my lips down over my cheeks until he’s resting them on the side of my neck.
“I love you so much, Belle.” He whispers against my skin. “Forever. No one else but you.”
The way we are now, our shirts discarded on the floor, it’s as far as its going tonight and we both know it. We’ve reached the point we needed to, we’re connecte
d more than we were before. It’s enough.
“I love you more, Kay. To infinity—”
“And beyond.”
With one final kiss, he shifts until he’s rising off the sofa. Mirroring him, I sit up and immediately grab for my shirt on the floor.
“I want to stay there with you all night, but I didn’t shower after practice and it’s not gonna be long before it’s noticeable.” He explains and I just smile. The way he needs to fill the silence with words is cute.
For all the changes he’s made, he’s still so unsure of himself when he’s with me. It’s another way it feels like the roles between us have reversed.
“This feels weird.”
“What does?”
“Stopping the way we did, me saying I need a shower, you just smiling about it. It’s weird, right?”
“No?”
“It’s not?”
“No, it’s not. You need to learn the definition of weird.”
He laughs and it warms me. Stopping cold the way we did, separating so quickly, it’s new to me but I don’t think it’s weird. It’s just both of us knowing our limits and trying to stick to them despite our bodies wanting the opposite.
“Belle, you know that if you told me you wanted to wait or go back to the way things were before, I’d do it right?” he stops, his eyes lowering, thinking before rising again. “Like you know that sex doesn’t matter to me, right? It’s not why I’m with you.”
This is where he’s going to lose me. I always thought it was the girl’s job to worry about things like this. Wondering if the guy only wanted them because of the way they looked, smelled or felt. It’s strange seeing it with Kayden.
It’s like he’s sitting on my front lawn again, wanting to tell me he wants to be with me and not having the nerve to get the words out even though he’s one of the most confident guys I know.
“Is that what you think I believe?”
“No, I just wanna make sure you know.”
“I know you’ve got more experience than I do, Kay. It makes me nervous about what comes next because I want to be good enough for you, but I know that you would wait if I wanted to.”
All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) Page 7
