I hurt the girl I want to spend the rest of my life loving. I’m the worst kind of person.
“How did you hit her?”
“I think you can figure that much out.”
“You’re right, I can, but I want to hear it from you. Tell me what you did, Kayden. Get it out before you drown in it.”
“She stepped in the way and I hit her. It wasn’t just a random hit either. I put everything I had behind my fist. All the anger, jealousy and rage that had been building, it was there. It was enough to knock her out, make her fall. She hit her head on the pavement and—”
“I got the rest.”
“Now you see why I can’t be there. She deserves to be with people who love her, not someone who continues to break her.”
I can feel the rise and fall of her chest as she sighs and I finally lift and break away from her embrace. I want to know why she’s sighing.
“You were right, Mom. There isn’t anyone that needs or wants a Walker. We’re defective and deserve to be alone.”
“My poor, misguided boy.” She whispers as another sigh escapes. “Another thing that’s my fault. Making you believe something that’s not even close to true.”
What? Since when? Can’t she see that she was right?
“No, you were right.”
“Kayden, there is nothing right about what I said to you back then. I think the only thing I did tell you before I took off that was even close to the truth was that Isabelle was going to need a boy like you.”
“No, you’re wrong. I’m the one that needed a girl like her.”
“You needed each other.”
Damnit. I know she’s not trying to do it, but with what she just said she’s reminding me of Belle and the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago. Needing her, I thought it was only for me but she made sure I knew the truth.
We needed each other.
I can’t do this. I can’t let thoughts of her flood my head. I’m still not right and she deserves better than that.
“I know you won’t believe this, but Kayden; she needs you now more than ever. She doesn’t need the guy I walked in and met today. She needs the one that’s here with me now. She needs you. My sweet boy. My light.”
“I can’t give her that. I want that guy to exist, but I don’t think he ever will. I’m no better than Dean.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Dean made the choice to do the things he did with you. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with my leaving, but he could have gotten off that track at any point. He chose not to. From what Grace has told me, you chose to do the right thing. Be a better person for Belle, but also for yourself. You are not your brother, Kayden. You’re better and it’s time for you to prove it.”
Actions speak louder than words ever could, Kayden. If you’re sorry, prove it.
Belle. My life preserver. The one that reached out to me before I could drown and saved my life. The person that taught me what real love and acceptance is. The girl I promised to love forever. It’s not my mom’s words I hear now. It’s hers.
My mom’s right. I can sit here all day drinking with Jim, Jack and Jose, proving to myself and the rest of the world how alike me and Dean really are, or I can go back to that day in my car and do what the girl I love told me to do. I can prove myself to be more.
“Mom.”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Do you think you can drive me to the hospital?”
“Finally.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“The reason this is happening. Why I’m here. I came because there’s somewhere that you need to be and whether you hated me or not, I was going to get you there.”
“You came here to bring me to her?”
“It’s where you belong. If you haven’t already been hit over the head with enough already, I think it’s where you’ve always belonged.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Grace may have been the one to take you in that day, watching over you until your brother brought you back home, but she’s not the one you stayed with when you were there.”
“Still don’t get it.”
“You stayed with Belle. It’s always been her, Kayden. When you’re with her, you’re safe and you’re home. You’re complete and even a person that spent the last ten years away can see it. So yes, I can take you to her.”
She’s right. Isabelle is home to me. She always has been, but hearing the way my mom describes it, it’s even more powerful than it was when I realized it months ago. I might not be worthy of everything she’s done for and given to me, but if it takes the rest of my life, I’m gonna make this up to her.
“Let’s get you home.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Grace
There are times in your life where you’re forced to make a choice. A decision in the moment that will impact the lives of others, though in what manner is not clear until much later.
I was given a choice ten years ago when Daphne Walker knocked on my door. I could help her out, take in her children in order to keep them safe from their father, or I could turn them away. Focusing instead on my own child and the road I had been placed on when I was chosen to be her mother.
The decision was an easy one to make. Daphne and Kayden had come to mean so much to me and even to Isabelle. My little girl adored her time with Kayden almost as much as I did watching the two of them, so bringing them into my home was the most natural thing in the world.
Belle thrived during those few days alone with Kayden and even though things have taken such a tragic turn with his brother, I do believe that Dean did as well. Kayden remained the same, though I did see momentary cracks in him after his brother explained that their mother was gone.
As he grew and his home situation became better known, I wrestled with another choice. Telling him the truth. I also owed the truth to my daughter. Kayden had turned on her at that point, their visits ending right around the time he turned ten and even though years passed, I knew she still felt the loss of the little boy she had come to adore.
Kayden deserved the truth then, even if I thought at the time he couldn’t handle it based on his age. Dean knew and where it seemed easy for him to tell his brother about their mother leaving, it wasn’t as easy for him to admit the real reason why. The secret never came out and as the years passed and our connection to the family across the street became even more strained, so did the urge to bring the truth to light.
That is on me. Holding back the way I did, I made the wrong choice. Daphne may have made me promise that I would take the reason for her leaving to the grave, but that was no excuse.
I failed them both. Isabelle and Kayden.
With Belle lying in front on me now, white bandages wrapped around her head, it’s bringing that failure to light. I am beginning to question every step I’ve taken since that fateful day.
If I had only been honest with Kayden from the start, would we be standing here now? Would he have gravitated toward my daughter the way he did over the last year, or would the truth have kept him away indefinitely? Would it have changed the path that all of us found ourselves on all those years ago, resulting in a completely different way of life now, or was it always meant to be the way that it is?
Daphne being back, her going to him in order to bring him back where he belongs, I know it’s going to bring everything around again. It’s time to face our decisions head on and make them right, even if I’m starting to believe they were wrong. Kayden is going to have questions for me and it’s my hope that I get the chance to answer them.
The same way he has wanted to do right by my little girl since the moment he walked back into our lives a year ago, I want to do with him now. The past and present are about to collide and it’s up to all of us to make sure that we don’t leave a disaster in its wake.
Contrary to what he believes, I do not blame him for what happened. The situation they found themselves in was just a tragic accident. A misunderstanding g
one wrong. Kayden’s insecurities, the parts of himself that he has never had to face rose to the surface until his mind distorted it so badly, it put him in a situation he couldn’t get out of.
Even if he had meant to react the way he did, he could not have predicted that Belle would jump in the middle. It’s something that I know about her, but that Kayden wouldn’t have known unless they had been in a situation like this before and as much as they’ve gone through together over the last year, I don’t believe he’s met that part of my little girl.
Belle makes no secret about wanting to do right by others like her. She is often times more concerned with them then she is herself and it’s one of the many things I love about her. Her heart is unmatched and even knowing her all his life, Kayden has yet to experience the full gravity of it. Not being able to predict it and having this happen, it’s a horrible situation, but not one I can place blame in.
Watching Belle breathing, knowing that she’s still here with us even if she’s not awake in the moment, my heart hurts. Not only for her but for the lost little boy that showed up on my doorstep that day ten years ago. The one that seeing her laying here a couple of days ago, ran away because he believes himself to be bad. Wrong. Defective. The reason she’s in pain.
He’s letting his mind overrule reality and even though Belle is my prime concern, I still hope that Daphne can get him here so I can show him that I don’t blame him for any of this and that he’s not what he believes himself to be.
Kayden is so much more. To the beautiful girl lying across from me, he’s everything and he always will be.
He’s not just a boy my daughter fell in love with. He’s my son, and I want him back where he belongs, even if he believes otherwise.
Turning in the chair as I feel the air from the now opened door, expecting to see another nurse or more importantly, the doctor, my heart stills and a peace like I’ve never experienced before washes over me as I take in who’s standing beside me.
My prayer was answered.
Kayden’s come home.
Kayden
I haven’t been here in two days and I can count a total of six times just walking down the hall alone where I wanted to turn around and go back the way I came.
Every step I take that brings me closer to the room where I’m going to see Belle, my throat constricts a little more, until breathing through my mouth is absolutely impossible and I’m left with doing it through my nose.
It had taken the entire car ride to stop the shaking from everything that happened with my mom. I thought I had been through the worst of it until I finally stood in front of the door and it came back again.
My heart is beating wild. I’m barely keeping it together in the breathing department and I’m pretty sure at any given moment I’m gonna fall on my ass from the way my body is reacting to what’s about to happen next.
Pushing on the door once I’ve turned the handle down, I put one foot in front of the other until I can feel it sliding closed behind me. I can feel eyes on me, but I don’t dare look at them.
I can’t look and see the anger and disappoint that’s waiting for me. I just need to look at Belle, even if seeing her this way threatens to break me.
“Oh God.”
Two words, but they’re all I’ve got. I’m face to face with the damage I caused and it’s too much. I never should have come here. Being confronted with the horror story my life has become is torturous.
“It’s not as bad as it looks.”
Finally breaking the connection I have with the pretty girl in the bed, I turn my head toward the sound of the voice and the anger I’m expecting to see is non-existent. There’s no pity or hatred of any kind. It’s looking at Grace now that I see what I wanted to see from Belle when I got here.
Love and understanding.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, feeling the tears burning at the corner of my eyes and trying to force them away before what happened in my house repeats, I break eye contact.
It’s another thing that’s too much. I deserve so much less than what she’s giving me.
“How—is she?”
“About the same.”
She says that like I should know what she means. The sick thing is, I should but because I ran, I lost the right to know anything.
“What does that mean?”
“The impact to her head wasn’t fatal, but it knocked her unconscious. She hasn’t woken yet, but the doctors are optimistic. There is no long term damage. The injury looks more severe than it actually is.”
“Then why isn’t she awake?”
“This is the way her body is choosing to heal. At least that’s what the doctor tells me.”
“Will she ever wake up?”
“Yes, Kayden, she will.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“You’ve met Isabelle. Now ask me again why I’m so sure.”
It’s the strangest thing, but there’s a rumble in my throat. A sound I haven’t heard in three days. I’m laughing and it’s not a quiet little chuckle. It’s a full on laugh and as the guilt rises, knowing I’m laughing while Isabelle is hurting, it also feels amazing.
I needed to laugh, the same way I’ve been needing to remember how to breathe since everything happened.
Isabelle is stronger than she looks. She’s gone up against bullies, violence and ignorance and still managed to keep fighting. She’s the strongest person I know and if anyone can come back from this, it’s her.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. R.”
“What did we say about that?”
“Grace. I’m sorry.” I say catching myself but repeating the same words, the only ones I’ve got left to say.
“I know you are. She knows you are. It was an accident, Kayden. I’m just glad you’re here. I didn’t want her to wake up without you.”
“Really?”
Her eyes widen in surprise. For whatever reason, she didn’t see it coming though I can’t figure out why. I would have figured after what I put her daughter through she would hate my guts.
“Kayden Walker! I can’t believe you would think otherwise. Belle isn’t the only one in this room that loves you unconditionally. You might not be mine biologically, but make no mistake, you are my son and there’s nowhere else I want you to be then right here with me.” She motions toward the bed and smiles. “With her.”
This is too much. I don’t know what to say. I’ve got questions about everything my mom told me and her part in it, but calling me her son, it’s the same way I’ve felt about her for the past year. She’s as much my family as Belle is. I can’t imagine going through this life without her.
“I know it’s asking a lot, but do you think I can have a few minutes alone with her?”
“You know what? I think that can be arranged.” She says with a smile, sliding out of the chair and motioning toward it. “I’ll be downstairs getting coffee if you need me. Take as much time as you want.”
Giving her my lame attempt at a smile, I nod in acceptance of what she’s said before turning to the bed and focusing all of my attention on the one person that deserves it.
It’s time for me to talk to Belle, but more than that, for me to do something that I don’t think she’s had done since we were kids.
In my drunken stupor last night, I was flooded with memories. Things that we’ve gone through together as kids. Some of them are ones I was familiar with, but there was one memory that stands out more than all the others and it’s what I need to bring to life now.
I can’t just talk to her because she wouldn’t believe me even if she was awake. I’ve got to show her and this is the only way I know how.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I scroll through until I find what I’m looking for and I place it on the bed beside her. When the time is right, it’s gonna be there and ready for me. Until then, it’s time for me to say everything that I’ve been too scared to say.
When I got with Belle last fall, I realized something about the way we were t
ogether. She said she loved me and it was muffled, but I heard her loud and clear. It’s been that way every single day since. It doesn’t matter where we go from here or we’re together or apart. I’ll always hear her because it’s not my head that’s reacting, it’s my heart.
What I’ve got to say, if it works the way I want it to, she’s going to hear even though she’s not awake because her heart will hear me.
“Belle, I know it has taken way too long, but I’m here now. Your mom said that this is where I need to be and my mom said that you’re where I belong and even though I want to fight it, I can’t. I think they’re right.”
“You told me once that actions needed to speak louder than words. I heard you then, but at the time, it didn’t sink in all the way. It has now. I swear to you it has and I’m gonna prove it.”
“This summer you were talking about a story you wanted to write, about a special girl that changed the world. The thing is, you don’t have to write it because you’re living it. You told me your story so now it’s time for you to tell you mine. I’m going to tell you a story about a special girl that changed the whole world. My whole world.”
Taking a deep breath I ready myself for what comes next.
“Once upon a time, there was a guy that felt out of place. He was lost in translation. Floating from one moment to the next with no real end in sight. He was desperate. He wanted to break free, find purpose but was too scared. He left school one day, walked across a parking lot and everything changed.”
I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I can’t stop. This isn’t something I thought about before I got here, but its right, I can feel it. I’m sitting here telling her this story and I’m lighter. Weightless.
This is exactly what I need to do.
“There was this girl with pale yellow hair and sky blue eyes that had tears running down her face as she stood surrounded by evil. People so disgusted with their lives that they took pleasure in making others miserable, the same way the guy watching did. She was hurt, scared and in need of rescue. She needed one person to stand up and say that what was happening to her was wrong and the minute her eyes locked on his, it was there. His purpose. His one shot at redemption. It was all there in her eyes.”
All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) Page 24
