by Lund, S. E.
I shook my head. "I don’t know, Drake. I'm just not feeling this."
"What do you mean?" His eyes narrowed.
"This," I said pointing between us. "Submission. It's just not there. This feels too much like a traditional relationship. You know. Boyfriend / girlfriend."
"You seemed to enjoy yourself this morning."
"Yeah, but it was just ordinary sex. You rub my clit the right way and I'll come. I could do that with any man. There was nothing kinky about it." I raised my eyebrows. "Maybe we're just not working out. Now that we're alone, it's just not really," I said, searching for the word. "Exciting. Lara told me that sometimes, a Dom and sub just aren't compatible. You must really feel it. I just don't feel like we're the right match. I want to feel, I don't know… really possessed. I don't. It’s like, I can't even call you Sir and feel it. I mean, Nigel's a Sir. He's an actual Knight and I don’t even call him 'Sir'."
I watched him, his face changing in front of me. He didn’t say anything. He just looked in my eyes, blinking rapidly. His breathing increased a bit, but he said absolutely nothing.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I just don't feel it with you. You're really sweet, Drake. Maybe Lara has someone else who I won’t have any history with. Someone really anonymous. I might be able to feel it more with a stranger. You know how this works. What do you think?"
He said nothing, just looked in my eyes, his gaze moving over my face but his skin blanched.
Finally, he spoke, his voice controlled, low. Very calm. "I think you might be onto something."
I nodded. "I knew you'd understand. You've been doing this for a long time and have lots of experience. I already talked to my parents. I think I'll go back tomorrow morning, try to salvage a couple of days of my vacation."
"And this has nothing to do with the person trying to keep you from being with me?"
"No," I said and frowned. "Of course not. Like you said, we could just keep this agreement under wraps."
"Why did you sign the contract?"
"I have to admit I was a bit shocked by your contract, but I thought, you know, maybe I needed to just sign the damned thing and take a risk, give it a shot. But once I did, it was like all the thrill was gone. So maybe I expected more than I should have. You know, it was just straight sex after all."
I stood and went to my drink on the table. I took a long sip. He kept sitting there, his arms out on the back of the couch, watching me.
His face was pale under his tan, his mouth thin.
"Well, then," he said and stood, his body stiff. "I guess I'll go to the bar after all and meet my colleagues. Have a good trip home."
He left, taking his bag and shaving kit with him, closing the door behind him without another word.
I sat down on the floor and covered my mouth with my hands.
Later, after I sat with a cold washcloth over my eyes to bring down the redness from weeping, I met my dad and Elaine in the restaurant. I had to eat something and I had to show a brave face to the world so that they believed me when I insisted I wasn't upset. As I went by the bar, I glanced in and saw a group of people sitting around a table, recognizing the woman Drake had said was his co-author. I checked the table out quickly, but Drake wasn’t there. I walked by the front doors to the other side of the hotel where the restaurant was located and as I passed, I glanced out to the beach, which was about twenty feet away. Drake was standing there alone, watching the sunset, his hands in his pockets.
I hurried into the restaurant, my stomach nauseated, biting back tears. I didn’t know how I'd be able to eat. I sat with my parents and they were both pleased to see me, looks of concern still on their faces.
"Sweetheart, are you sure you're all right? You look a little pale. Your eyes are red. Were you crying?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. It's my allergies. I'm just a bit disappointed, that's all. You know how it is when you have high hopes for a relationship and it doesn't work out."
"We've all been there before Kate," Elaine said, smiling at me, her expression sympathetic.
"Drake came by just a few minutes ago," my father said. "Asked if you were OK. You told him you were going back tomorrow?"
"Yeah, " I said, trying to sound nonchalant. "He agreed."
"He seemed really upset, Katherine." My father just shook his head. "Guess I was really wrong about you two. Maybe I should hang up my matchmaking hat."
"Oh, don't do that Daddy. I'll meet the right man some day." I forced a smile that I didn’t feel and picked up my menu.
I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep, my mind going over everything again and again. Should I just go to him and tell him the truth? What would he do? I had the sense he'd ignore it and push on, arguing that we'd just be really careful. But Dawn was not going to let up either. I knew she'd watch me like a hawk. If she'd been determined enough to hire a PI to track down info on Drake, she'd have someone follow me. She was really moralistic at times, and we'd clashed in the past over issues, but we'd always found a way through the disagreements because of the sheer length of time we'd been friends.
Back in Manhattan, nothing changed. I arrived in my apartment late that night and crept right into bed. I slept in most of the next day, unable to get out of the bed except to go to the bathroom. I felt as if I'd been hit by a truck, my body aching, my stomach sick. I just closed the drapes in my bedroom in some ridiculous attempt to block out the world. I had one more day off before I had to go to work.
I told myself that it was for the best. I didn't want Drake to be disgraced because of me. I couldn't live with myself if my selfishness led to harm of his career or reputation. He was an important neurosurgeon. He did really great things for people. If he was disgraced because of me, because of Dawn's moralistic crusade, I could never live it down, and there would be nothing I could do to fix things.
This was just the way it had to be.
It didn't make it any easier to bear. I wanted him – so much. It was so good with him, even just the vanilla sex. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if he really had his 'Dom hat' on with me. I remembered how much those letters he wrote to his subs affected me.
I went to my history and found the website and logged in so I could read another letter.
To my new sub:
Don't be afraid, little one. You're safe with me. You can just relax in my embrace and know that I will protect you. I will learn you inside and out – what you like, what you dislike, what you need and what you don't need. Then, I will give you everything you desire.
I will approach you like a wild animal in need of being tamed to hand. I will tame you. You feel out of control now, but one day, I will come to you as you wait for me in position, your blindfold on. I will whisper your name, my mouth next to your ear, my breath warm on your naked skin, my hands caressing you. When I bind your hands with my soft leather restraints, when I tie your feet to the bedposts, you'll be completely controlled and all your anxiety will be gone. You don't have to make any decision from now on when you're with me. I will make them all. Every decision will be about your pleasure for that is my pleasure.
One day, you will purr like a contented kitten as I stroke you, running my fingers over your naked skin, exploring every inch of you with my eyes, my fingers, my tongue, my cock. For the first time, you'll be free of all your fears, all your insecurities and doubts. You know how much I desire you by how hard I am when I'm with you, how much I enjoy every inch of your body, your scent, your touch, your every response, your every gasp, your every moan of pleasure.
Once we cross the threshold into our special world where just we two exist, you can leave all your fears behind. You turn over your will to me, and when you do, you will feel as much desire as you are able, as much lust as you can possibly feel. I want it all.
I can handle you.
Why did that affect me so deeply? Drake had that effect on me. I felt as if he knew what was going on in my mind, what I needed, how to touch me, what to say. He felt so certain and confident, his b
ody warm and firm. Strong.
But he accepted what I said. He believed me. He let me go. Did he really think I was bored? Did he really think I was interested in meeting someone else?
If he did, then he didn't really know me as well as I thought because inside I was dying.
I barely ate anything, my stomach sick, my head aching. By Sunday night, I felt entirely hopeless. Drake didn't even fight for me. He just let me go.
I must not have meant much to him after all.
I realized that despite his so attentive treatment of me when we had been together, he really did see me as a project to study and plan and carry out, nothing more. If he had felt anything for me beyond just a new project, he wouldn't have let me leave.
As each hour passed without him even sending me an email or text, a phone call, agonizingly slowly, that sunk in even more deeply. I had been so delusional to think he was more than just a Dom to me. That I was more than just a new sub to train.
I hadn't taken a shower or brushed my teeth for two days. I took a sleeping pill and went to bed Sunday night before the sun even set.
On Monday I couldn't face work. I couldn't face getting up and having a shower. I just dragged myself out of bed and sent my boss an email saying I was sick and needed a day off. That I'd be in on Tuesday. But in truth, I felt like Tuesday would feel just the same as Monday.
On Monday afternoon, my father called. I woke up and checked my caller ID. I had to answer. I didn't want him worried.
"Hey, sweetheart. How are you? We expected to hear from you."
I swallowed, licking my dry lips. "I must have caught something. I'm home sick. Been sick all weekend."
"What's the matter? A cold? Is there a flu going around?"
"Must be. I stayed home today, but I'll see how I am tomorrow and go to work if I feel better."
"Are you sure everything's all right? Do you need me to get anything for you?"
"No, really. I'm fine. Thanks, Daddy."
"Take care, doll."
I hung up, and just lay back in bed, covering my face from the light.
The next morning I called in sick again and slept in. Around eleven, the phone rang again. I checked the caller ID and it was Lara.
"Kate," she said, her voice sounding concerned. "I had to fess up to Drake that I talked to you about all this. He's coming over to speak to you as soon as he's done with surgery this morning. Please, keep in mind what I said and don't listen to him. He's being irrational. Just get out of your apartment, don't be there. If you do run into him, be hard and say you've come to your senses. I know you're upset about this. Drake told me he talked to your father about you, and your dad said you were sick and that he thought you were upset that things didn't work out. I couldn't lie to him. Please, do the right thing."
"Lara…" I said, shaking my head. "I miss him so much."
She exhaled loudly. "You are both crazy. Don't say I didn't warn you but seriously Kate, if you care about Drake you won't encourage him. Do you understand?"
"I know you're right," I said, exhaling in exasperation. "I'll make sure I'm out of the apartment when he comes by."
"Thank you. His reputation is worth more than one sub. Kate, I've seen too many powerful men fall over a simple affair. It's not worth it. Think of the guilt you'll feel if anything happens to him because you encouraged him."
"I won't be here when he comes by, Lara. Don't worry."
I hung up and went to the shower. If I had to go out, I had to at least clean myself up enough that I didn't look like an escaped mental patient. I quickly dressed and dried my hair and gathered up my bag. It was 11:45 and I expected that Drake would be done his surgery soon. I had to leave.
I went across the street once more to the deli and took my place in the window seat, ordering a cup of tea and toast with jam, the first thing I'd eaten beyond Cheerios and milk for three days.
At about 12:20, he drove up and once more double-parked. He went to the door, and just then, a resident exited the building and Drake took the handle and went inside.
Damn… They shouldn't have let him in, but I suspected when they saw his scrubs and lab coat, they let him in, instinctively trusting a physician. After a few moments, he came back out and pulled out his phone and entered something. In a moment, my phone buzzed and I took it out.
Drake Morgan, MD.
I ignored the call. He called back. He sat on the steps and called, over and over. Then he texted me.
Kate, I know everything. I talked to Lara and she http://www.amazon.com/The-Agreement-ebook/dp/B00C2YRAQE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364521513&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Agreement+s.+E.+lundconfessed that she guilted you into saying goodbye to me. I was confused the other day when you claimed not to feel anything for me. I tried not to respond – to respect your wishes. In truth, I was hurt.
Talk to me. Please. I'm not letting you run away just to protect me from something that might never happen. It's up to me what risks I take in my life, not you.
Your father is worried about you. He says you've been sick all weekend. You know what I think? I think you're upset about this. Maybe as upset as I am.
Kate, please… Don't give up on this – on us – without a fight.
I felt incredibly sad to see him sitting on my steps, texting me when I was sitting across the street, watching him. I thought about what Lara said – that it would be on my conscience if I encouraged him. That I would regret my decision to be with him if anything happened to hurt his reputation but his words made my eyes tear up, my throat constrict.
He was upset. I hurt him by what I said.
I scanned the street, checking to see if Dawn was hanging around, but they were pretty empty.
I'm in the deli across the street from you.
He glanced up and my heart did a flip when I felt his gaze come to rest on me, sitting there in the bay window at a tiny table for two. He stood up and made a beeline for me, his expression so intense, his face so dark, it almost scared me.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Drake entered the deli and came right over to my table, pulling up the rickety chair beside me. He sat next to me, his knee wedged in between mine as if he was trying to block my escape, prevent me from leaving. He leaned close to me, taking my hand in his. He kissed my knuckles. His face was pale, his brow furrowed.
"Drake, you can't do this," I said, almost whispering, trying to pull my hand away from him, wiping my eyes. "We have to just end this. Better to do it now before any damage is done."
"It's already been done. I want you. Don't you want me?"
I said nothing, sighing, emotions building in me. Of course I did. "It doesn't matter what we want."
"Tell me that you don't want me."
I exhaled and tried to avoid his eyes.
"Tell me, Kate. If you don't want me, I'll leave right now."
"It's not that I don't want you," I said, staring at the leather strap on his wrist, the story he told me about it making my heart break for him. "I do want you but we can't be together. It's for your own good."
"If you still want me, we'll find a way to work around this, whatever it is. Tell me who knows? What did they say?"
"I can't tell you," I said, leaning back a bit from him, his gaze so intense. I couldn't extract my hand from his. "Look, barely anything has happened between us. We had sex a couple of times. We should just let this drop. I'm sure there are other subs with far fewer … impediments than I have."
"Impediments…" he said, smiling just a bit. "Something happened between us, Kate. I know it's only been a short time, but I don’t want this to end, especially not in this way because of someone else forcing us. If we stop seeing each other, it should be because of how we feel, not someone else's judgment."
I just stared at him. He was so sure of himself.
"This person told me there was a restraining order against you. Your ex-wife…"
He closed his eyes and bowed his head, his hands still grasping mine. Then he glanced back up at me, his blu
e eyes pained.
"That was a long time ago in a different life."
"You can understand why they, and why I, might be concerned… You are into BDSM."
"Not the SM part. Kate, I didn't injure her. I tried to prevent her from leaving our home. That's all. I prevented her from leaving for a while. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to try to work things out. She wasn't listening."
"Why? What happened between you? Why did your marriage fail?"
He sighed and just stared at me as if deciding if it was worth it to tell me.
"Why does any marriage fail?" He shook his head. "Because the couple are no longer in sync. We were no longer in sync. I wanted more control. She didn't want me to have it. I was so ambitious about my career, traveling around the country doing conferences, presenting papers. We grew apart, and when I did finally try to assert more control, she was already gone emotionally."
"You were just starting to recognize your Dom tendencies?"
"Yes, but not very clearly. Look, I may have been a self-centered asshole, but I never hurt her. Never."
"Why were you a self-centered asshole?"
"I spent too much time away. You know…"
"No I don't."
"I was like my father, Kate. I was too busy and neglected her."
I just stared at him.
"Why? Didn't you love her?"
He shrugged, exhaling as if exasperated. "I don't know. Part of me thinks I did still love her. Part of me thinks I had no idea what love was." He looked away as if he did know but didn't want to admit it. Finally, as if drawing on some deep reserve, he looked back up at me. "I neglected her and she fell out of love with me. She said I was a self-centered prick who cared only about myself."
"Do you agree?"
He nodded but didn't say anything for a moment. "I didn't know what it took to make a relationship work. I'd never seen a marriage. Never knew what a woman wanted, what she expected. I can do sex, Kate. I do it really well. Everything else in a relationship? Not so much."
