"Untie me, you sick fuck," I cursed at him, making my voice rigid. "I thought you were a good man, Mr. Knight. But you're just as greedy as the rest. Salivating over a pussy that's way out of your league."
That got to him. Me humiliating him got to him so bad because I was forcing him to face his demons here just like he was forcing me to face mine.
The look on his face as he raised himself on his knees and glared at me managed to instill further traces of doubt in me. No. No, I trusted this man. He was Jude. He wasn't actually going to hurt me.
"Safe word," was all he said as a reminder before he stabbed his fingers inside my pussy and made me cry out, my eyes filling with tears because he was so rough and crude.
It was three fingers at first and I gasped when he inserted a fourth one. I panicked for a minute wondering if he was going to go a step further and fist me or something but all he did was reach out and curl the fingers of his other hand around my throat, pressing slightly while he continued to finger me down there.
"So juicy," he commented and then carried those fingers to his mouth and sucked on them.
The battle going on inside my chest between my heart and my ribcage was a new thing for me. I'd never been this excited about anything in my life. How unpredictable he was. How immoral. How...like me.
"I don't hear you saying no to me anymore," he spoke up after several seconds. "What's the matter? Decided you would love some dick after all?"
I actually would love some. Some of what he had going for him down there. It was bulging and ready and my traitorous cunt was here for it.
"Don't you dare put that thing in me, you fucking pervert!" I cried and kicked out at him.
Jude winced, released my throat and caught my ankles before shooting me another glare.
"I'm going to be right back," he told me and I watched in anticipation as he got out of bed and stalked over to the cupboard in the far corner of the cabin.
My eyes grew wide when he extracted a coil of rope from it and then went to the kitchen at the back to retrieve a knife. Again, it felt like my heart was going to leap out of my throat because he looked so damned determined and dangerous.
I swallowed as the knife blade glinted while he cut the rope and used the pieces to tie my ankles to each corner of the foot of the bed. I might even have let out a whimper and he probably caught it because he looked up from his task and frowned at me.
The knife was a trigger as well but I didn’t tell him so, willing him not to break the role. We were too far into this thing now and I wanted to see how it played out. I didn't need him to be a concerned boyfriend right now.
"My god, Jude. Have you learned nothing from me?" I taunted boldly as he stood there holding the knife in his hand, his task of securely tying me up now complete. "Do you remember the number of times I made you sleep with me when you kept saying no? I got you drunk and seduced you. I even touched you in your sleep once. I took whatever I wanted from you. And you can't even bring yourself to exact revenge once? God, you're such a wimp."
My words had the desired effect on him and he angrily shoved down his pants, moving to place the knife away.
"No." I stopped him with fire in my eyes and shook my head. "Bring the knife with you."
Jude appeared stressed. I knew he was remembering everything I had told him about my night was Joshua. He was aware this might be triggering for me. Who knew? I might even snap and plunge that blade in him in the heat of anger because I had never really dealt with my trauma. Never seen a therapist. Never confronted my problems. I'd only run away and taken shelter in this man's love. But inside, I was the same fucked up Wynter Cassidy.
He climbed back on the bed without a word and when he reached the apex of my thighs, he gave me one last questioning look.
I lifted my chin determinedly. "Put it here."
My lover’s eyes weren't quite focused, as though this tortured him as much as it did me. If he backed out, I was never going to forgive him. I wasn't this weak bitch. I wasn't. It has been over a year since that night when my entire life changed. I wasn't going to run away from it anymore.
"Do it you pussy," I snapped at him. "You know there's no other way I'm letting you take me unless you hold that knife to my throat."
"Stop calling me a pussy," he snapped back and my breath caught in my throat when he placed the sharp, shiny blade against my neck.
I went completely still. I fucking froze. Flashes of Joshua Andrews making me feel helpless and thinking he could treat me like some cheap whore slammed into me and I gritted my teeth, trying to keep my breathing as normal as possible.
"That the best you got?" I made myself whisper and his expression went wild.
Seconds later, I felt the head of his cock nudging at my entrance but I was so tense, he couldn't plunge through like he usually did. Tense because the situation had taken some of my arousal out of the equation. All I could feel was the knife at my throat and the fact that I was now completely helpless.
"Use your safe word, Wynter," Jude reminded me yet again, still not entering me.
I closed my eyes briefly and wanted to say it. I really wanted to. I wanted him to stop. And yet, that sick, stubborn part of me which loved to push limits kept me from admitting defeat.
"There's no way your little cock is going to be enough to make me feel good," I said to him and smirked, crushing down my fear.
Jude was the one who closed his eyes this time before he whispered, "God help me." And then he pushed inside me. My eyes teared up at the discomfort but I took it without a word. I saw only two outcomes out of this. Either I would realize just how brave I could be or how broken I still was. I needed to know.
"That feels good," he breathed in pleasure and looked down at me with lust-filled eyes. "Doesn't that feel good, baby? Better than your boyfriend's." His chest was slick with sweat now and he grunted once, probably drowning in the sensations but he kept the knife steady.
I felt him swell inside me even more and knew he was enjoying this far more than he wanted to. That loosened up some of the tension in me. Watching him experience the dark pleasure I told him he wasn't allowed to experience. The forbidden, illicit thrill of it. I knew in that ever-energized mind of his, he really was imagining me belonging to someone else and being forced to take him.
His breaths turned into gasps, his movements quickened. For a moment, I thought he might cut me but Jude finally placed the knife aside and gripped my throat with his bare hand once more, choking me a little. Inwardly, I felt relief flood through me but that quickly turned to apprehension when he began to stab his dick in me like he wouldn't have stopped even if the apocalypse had come upon us.
"Tell me this is better than what you’re used to. Tell me this feels amazing. Admit it," he rasped as his hips pistoned against mine and I moaned loudly, hating that I couldn't touch him.
God, he was hurting me. His hand was squeezing a little too tight and his thrusts were brutal. I tried to back up again but he gripped my hips to hold me in place and fucked me harder.
"Fucking hell, Wynnie," he said throatily, the twisted version of him revealing itself so beautifully, I almost laughed with delight if I hadn’t been in pain.
He didn't even care what I was feeling anymore. He just took from me.
"Stop," I said to him one last time and pulled at my bindings. "I don't want this.”
"Oh yeah?" he retorted breathlessly. "Then why the fuck are you getting so wet? Feel that? Feel how easily my cock is going in now? That's because you do want this, baby."
He wasn't wrong. I really was getting slicker and I couldn’t understand this perversion.
"Please let me go, Jude. Please," I made myself beg, writhing and twisting my body in a way that indicated I wasn't responsive to his fucking.
"Fuck, just a few more seconds, honey," he gritted as his face tightened. "I have to cum inside you. You know I have to, Wyn. You're fucking driving me nuts. Hold the fuck still," he growled at me angrily as I struggled and he re
ached up to squeeze my breasts together roughly with his hand.
I hissed in pain and he laughed again because the breast-squeezing started to make me come really hard.
"No," I whined. "No, no, I can't enjoy this...stop doing this to me. Stop, you asshole."
He grunted at my words and then let out a loud, satisfied groan, stilling all of a sudden while I felt the gush of his semen inside me. That sticky wetness that pooled between my legs made me whine with extreme pleasure.
"You're such a filthy animal, Mr. Knight," I told him in a voice weakened by exertion.
He pulled out of me slowly and then began to untie my bonds, absently rubbing my wrists and ankles as he did so, the frown on his face now worried.
"Please,” he said grimly and then lay down beside me, breathing heavily and wiping the sweat from his face. “Don't ever make me do that again.”
"Why? Afraid you like it too much?" I teased, turning to study his tense profile.
"Wynter, you were scared," he replied, staring blankly at the ceiling. "I saw it. I saw the fear in your eyes. Why didn't you use your safe word? You know what happens when you push me, right? Why did you keep pushing me?" he wanted to know.
Letting out a sigh, I shifted so that my head was on his chest and I could play with the smattering of hair on it. The guy's heart was thundering inside and I smiled upon discovering that.
"That actually wasn't so bad," I murmured even though my vagina was throbbing like hell. “Jude. I don't think you've ever pounded me so hard since we got together."
His fingers went into my hair and massaged my scalp, the gesture both comforting and indulging. Man, I loved him so much.
"Thank you for not treating me like I’m weak. For not backing out. This felt like the ultimate test of trust between us and I'm glad we passed," I told him as the night outside grew calmer, along with my heartbeats.
"I love you, Wyn," he told me in a husky voice.
I smiled and murmured the words back because I never got tired of saying it. My eyelids grew heavy as I watched the flickering flames and I was almost asleep when his next words made me jerk my head back to stare at him.
"I want to kill him."
Uncertain and a little freaked out by his vehemently uttered sentence, I pushed back my hair and raised my eyebrows in question. Jude was the least violent person I knew so hearing him say something like this was incredibly disturbing.
"Um...who-?"
"Joshua Andrews," he said, his gaze fixed on the knife he had discarded earlier. "When you told me about it in that church, it hurt. But when I got to experience how he made you feel, when I watched you trying to recreate your nightmare and not let it destroy you this time, that shit made me want to find him and slit his fucking throat with that same knife he held to you."
I snorted a little and moved away from him because I needed to pee.
"You sound like Liam Neeson in that movie. I will find you and I will kill you."
"I'm not kidding, Wynter."
His voice was stiff and resolute and I paused to study him again, lying there naked and angry, sounding so vicious. What was wrong with him? This wasn't like him.
"Jude, come on. It's in the past now," I placated and jumped out of bed. "We left that life behind remember? We're happy here."
I was almost at the door of the bathroom when he spoke again and made me pause a second time, sending a hint of uneasiness through me.
"Don't you think it's fucking unfair that they all got away with what they did to us and we have to pretend that shit didn't mess with our mental and emotional health at all?"
He sounded so bitter all of a sudden. So harsh. Shit. I had been afraid that the rape play thing was going to be triggering for me but it seemed to have sent him in one of his dark moods instead. He had that 'everyone's out to get me and wants to wrong me' look on his handsome face and it made me sad.
"Baby," I said softly, making him look at me. I gave him a sweet smile. "We can't win all the time. We can't fight them all. As long as we have each other though, the days will be good and the nights on fire. Let it go."
He didn't respond so I ducked in the bathroom, experiencing a weird feeling in my chest. We'd had months and months of peace and I had to go and screw it all up because I was so screwed up inside thanks to my past. I hadn’t let it go but I had to say those words for him. The last thing I wanted was for Jude to lose the peace he had finally found and begin to spiral again.
Jude
2.
The wood pile was receiving the brunt of my anger and frustration the next morning. In the small clearing behind our cabin, I grunted and struck logs with my hatchet and imagined it to be Joshua Andrews’ skull.
God, what was happening to me? Last night, the bondage, the dark, shameful desires we indulged in, the demons that came to the surface, it wasn't supposed to rattle me so bad. It was just bedroom play, right? She was always good at her roles whenever we fucked. I was the one who had a hard time detaching.
But that fear in her grey eyes....
That hadn't been fake.
Wynnie was still bearing the scars of her past and I'd reopened those wounds for a few minutes. But they had been enough to make me realize that she wasn't completely fine.
And neither was I.
Hell, I wanted to kill the man. I really wanted to kill him. I should have done it a long time ago instead of acting like a...
What had she called me?
A fucking pussy.
That wasn't a total lie. I'd always been a pussy when it came to confrontation. She was the only one who managed to get me to step out of my comfort zone but even that didn't last too long. Did she really feel that way about me deep down?
That I wasn't alpha enough? Not man enough to do what needed to be done? Instead I had spoken of law and justice. What would other protective lovers do? They'd find those motherfuckers who hurt their girl so much and then beat them up. Make them regret ever laying their filthy hands where they didn't belong.
What had I done? Worried about myself. My image. My fucking career and public relations. The legal system. Then I'd wanted to kill myself and had needed her to save me so I could come and hide out here.
I hacked harder at the wood as the doubts crept in. Yeah, we were happy. And not just happy. Blissful. This place, the serenity and naturalness had been like a healing balm for both our tortured souls, especially mine. There was always something new to do, some new place to explore. We took strolls together and hiked and fucked against trees or in valleys in complete and utter abandonment. We camped out on the days it wasn't cold. We took baths in the river up ahead where Wynnie was at this very moment, fishing.
Yup, she'd taught herself how to fish and hunt and we had that vegetable garden going for me too. She was always finding stuff to fix around the cabin or remodeling it when she wasn't spending her time being the sexiest little vixen that ever existed.
We took turns cooking for each other and laughed when it didn't turn out good because trying out new recipes was our thing. We also had this huge tub embedded in a raised wooden platform in our bathroom where we spent many evenings, fucking or reading or just soaking during lazy conversations. There were always enough supplies thanks to Brent and once, Wynnie and I had snuck out to the closest town as well to stock up on groceries, feeling all infamous and smug the whole time because we got away with it.
The perfect outlaw couple. We had the best life two lovers could ever dream of and I knew that. But the damage that had been inflicted on her and on me, the way we hadn't truly dealt with any of it because neither of us had been strong enough...that plagued me now.
This wasn't okay. Sure I still made money and sold books. My current fans loved my notoriety and I found myself enjoying every admirable sentiment they expressed.
But deep down, I felt like a fraud. True notoriety didn't come with hiding away and acting like a wimp. It had been months. I wasn't in the same place I had been back when everything had fallen apart and
I had felt depressed and suicidal.
I was stronger now. Not the guy who winced like a child just because his knuckles couldn't handle a punch. I could rip people apart if I had to. Maybe I should start with that fucktard who made my girl feel like she had to give up on life, who drove her out of her own home and tried to take so much from her.
My hacking grew frantic, louder.
Wynter was going to be back soon. I should probably go inside and make a fire. I loved taking care of her. She was fierce as fuck but needy as well and being needed by her meant everything to me.
I didn't give myself time to think or hesitate when branches crunched under someone's foot behind me. Wynnie was at the river in front of me and Brent would never come unannounced given how cautiously we lived out here. He would never approach without a word either.
The hatchet went flying completely on instinct and the intruder let out a terrified shriek as she put up her hands in defence and cowered.
I froze slightly as the axe found its mark and buried itself in the tree trunk beside Ella.
Ella.
Oh my God.
I breathed raggedly as I watched the woman I had called my best friend for so many years of my adult life lower her arms slowly and pin me with a stunned look. Her face was so pale and her eyes swiveled from me to the hatchet only inches from her shoulder. She gulped and opened her mouth in shock when she met my eyes again.
I didn't know what to say. It had been over a year since I had seen her last. Not since the day I had found out she had been the one who had publicly put me in a position which was guaranteed to lead to my downfall. The one person I had never expected to betray me.
"Jude," she said softly and sadly, appearing thin and fragile in her t-shirt and jeans.
She didn't look too good and for a split second, I felt a little concerned for her until I remembered what she had done and the fact that she had somehow found me. She'd discovered our hideout. Fuck.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked her abruptly, stalking over to her and wrapping my hands around the handle of the hatchet before yanking it out.
Ride Or Die Page 2
