by Amy Clipston
Ian bit back a groan. He couldn’t lie to Harvey, especially if the truth was written all over his face.
“It’s fine.” Harvey rubbed his beard. “In fact, I think it’s marvelous. I’ve always thought you and Eva would make a gut couple.”
“Really?” Ian hated the thread of desperation in his voice.
Harvey nodded. “Years ago, I had hoped she would marry you so you two could take over the farm. Now that she’s back . . . Well, it might be God’s plan for you to finally be together.”
“It’s a wunderbaar idea, but I think she’s leaving.” Ian folded up the ladder and laid it on its side. “I don’t think it’s in God’s plan for us to be together.”
“Do you love her?”
Ian nodded without hesitation. “I always have.”
“Have you told her how you feel?”
“I told her I’ve always cared about her, and she went quiet.”
“So you didn’t say you love her?”
“No, I didn’t use the word love.”
“Maybe if you told her you love her, and that you want her to stay, she’ll stay.”
“I don’t know.” Ian rubbed the back of his head. “I don’t think she feels the same way since she turned me down when I asked her to date me years ago.”
“She hasn’t left yet.” Harvey began picking up tools. “Maybe she’s waiting for you to declare your love and ask her to stay.”
Harvey’s words rolled through Ian’s mind as he carried the ladder to the barn. As much as he wanted Harvey to be right, he’d seen the shock—and possibly fear—in her eyes when he told her he’d always cared for her.
As he leaned the ladder against the barn wall, hope and possibility lit in his chest. Perhaps it was time for him to tell her exactly how he felt. And maybe, just maybe, Harvey was right. Maybe she would decide to stay.
“How was your week?” Miriam Faye asked Eva as she sat down beside her in church.
“It was gut.” Eva nodded. “Ian built a swing set for Junior, and he and mei dat finished putting it together yesterday. Junior loves it so much. I had to make him get off it last night.” She ran her finger over the hymnal as she contemplated Ian. “I can’t get over how fantastic Ian is with Junior. Since we’ve been here, he’s taught Ian how to play catch, how to fish, and how to take care of the animals on the farm. He’s just a natural with him.”
Miriam Faye leaned in closer. “You care about him.”
Eva’s cheeks felt as if they might burst into flame as she remembered how she’d hugged him a few days ago.
“What is it?” Miriam Faye whispered with a thread of excitement in her voice.
Eva glanced around and then lowered her voice. “I accidentally hugged him on Wednesday.”
Miriam Faye grinned. “How do you accidentally hug someone?”
“Shh!” Eva kept her voice low as she explained how she was so overwhelmed with appreciation when Ian showed her the swing set pieces that she hugged him. “I’m so confused. I can’t believe I felt comfortable enough to do that. I haven’t felt that way about a man other than Simeon. It scared me to let myself go like that. And I just feel so guilty.”
“What do you mean?” Miriam Faye’s smile faded.
“I have no right to feel that way about any man. I disrespected Simeon’s memory and his family by hugging Ian. How could I do that to him?”
“Ach, Eva.” Miriam Faye touched her arm. “You didn’t disrespect Simeon’s memory. You have a right to move on with your life. Ian is such a gut man, and he obviously cares for you and Junior. I never understood why you turned him down when he asked you to date him, even if your mamm was pushing you.”
“Really?”
“Ya.” Miriam Faye looked across the barn to where Ian spoke to Will. “Just look at him. He’s handsome, thoughtful, and kind. The kind of man Simeon would want for you. Why wouldn’t you jump at the chance to have a husband like him?”
At that moment, the song leader began to sing the opening hymn, and Eva was thankful the attention was taken away from her. Miriam Faye was wrong to say Eva should allow herself to date and fall in love with Ian. She had to find a way to put a cover over her heart.
But deep in her soul, she knew it was already too late.
CHAPTER 9
Ian’s thoughts raced as he rolled over in bed. For the past two hours he’d waited for sleep to come for him, but his thoughts had kept his mind buzzing with images of Eva and Junior.
Harvey’s words had haunted him since Saturday, and he couldn’t stop wondering if he should tell Eva how he felt about her. He’d almost told her more than once after church yesterday, but each time he was about to say the words, they were interrupted.
Now, as he stared at the ceiling, he wondered if he had the power to keep Eva here on the farm. If he declared his love for her, would she truly stay and possibly consider building a future with him? Or would his declaration put pressure on Eva and cause her to run away again? His chest tightened with the fear of losing her a second time.
Wide awake, he kicked off his sheet and climbed out of bed. After pulling on a pair of trousers and a short-sleeved blue shirt, Ian slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed a Coleman lantern from his mudroom, and stepped out onto his front porch.
When he looked toward Harvey’s house, he spotted a lantern glowing on the back porch. Curiosity pushed him down the steps and up the path toward the yellow light. His pulse picked up when he saw Eva sitting on the glider, clad in a blue dress and wearing a matching scarf over her hair.
“Ian.” She sat up straight, her eyes sparkling in the golden glow of the light. “What are you doing out here?”
He placed his lantern beside hers. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“I couldn’t either.” After a slight hesitation he could see in her eyes, she scooted over and patted the seat beside her. “Would you like to join me?”
“Ya, I’d love to.” He sank down onto the glider, and when his leg brushed hers, heat skittered up it. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
She shrugged as she stared toward his house. Had thoughts of him caused her insomnia?
“Are you feeling okay?” he said, pressing for a response.
“Ya. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Would you like to tell me about it?”
She shook her head and then looked toward her mother’s garden. “Junior really loves his swing set. It was generous of you to build it for him. Danki.”
“I think you’ve thanked me more than a hundred times now. You don’t have to keep thanking me.”
“May I pay you for the lumber?”
“No.” He rested his elbow on the arm of the glider. “It was a gift. I won’t accept payment.”
“But you don’t draw a very large salary here.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t have any money. I know how to save, and I received some money when my grandparents sold their farm. I’m not destitute.”
Her eyes widened. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that.”
“Stop.” He touched her hand, and she didn’t break the connection. Her skin was warm and soft, and his mouth dried as his pulse galloped. “That swing set is just a fraction of what I would like to do for you and Junior. You’re both very important to me.”
She swallowed.
“You know how I feel about you.” He traced his finger down her cheek, and she shivered. Then he quickly brushed his lips over hers, sending heat roaring through every cell in his body.
Leaning away from him, she gasped. “Ian, I-I can’t.” She popped up from the glider, and he grabbed her hand, holding her in place.
“I can’t do this. It’s not right,” she said.
“Wait.” He stood and released her hand. “Don’t go.”
“It’s late.” She took a step back. “I should go to bed.”
“Just wait. Please.” He held up his hands as if to calm her. “I love you, Eva. I want to be with you.”
“No.” She shook her
head and hugged her arms around her waist. “Please don’t say that.”
“Give me a chance to explain how I feel.” His words came in a rush. “I’ve always loved you. I never stopped caring about you, even after you broke my heart. Start a new life with me. Let me take care of you and Junior.”
“I can’t leave Ronks.”
“Just listen to what I have to say.” He pointed toward his house. “We can start out in the daadihaus. Then I’ll use the money I received from my grandparents to build a bigger haus for us. It will be just like your mamm said. We can start a life together right here.”
“I can’t. My life is in Ronks. I can’t take Junior away from Simeon’s family. Junior is all they have left of their sohn.”
“I understand that.” He stepped toward her. “But you have to learn how to live again. That’s what Simeon would want. That’s what God wants.”
“How could you know that?” Her voice broke as tears sprinkled down her cheeks, shattering his heart with every drop.
“Simeon would want you to be froh. He’d want you to have someone to take care of you and Junior. He’d want Junior to have a dat and siblings.”
She shook her head. “You don’t know what Simeon would want.”
“I know you deserve to be froh.” He reached for her, and she stepped away from his touch. “You shouldn’t spend the rest of your life alone.”
“I’m not alone. I have my family back in Ronks.”
Disappointment simmered in his gut. “You have family here. And you have me. You should be here. This is your home.” He pointed to the floor. “There’s no place like home.”
“No, I can’t stay here, and I can’t be with you.”
In a flash, she raced into the house, closing and locking the door behind her.
Anguish tightened his muscles as he raised his fist to knock on the door. Then he let his hand drop to his side. He couldn’t force Eva to love him, nor could he make her stay.
Had Harvey been wrong? Was this a lost cause? He wanted to believe he and Eva belonged together, but he had to accept she longed to go back to Ronks.
With his heart breaking, he turned off her lantern, picked up his, and started down the path toward his house. Despondency bogged his steps as he made his way.
As he entered his house and walked to his bedroom, he opened his heart to God and whispered a prayer. “Please, God. Help me find a way to convince Eva to stay. Let me take care of her and Junior. Let me love her and make her froh.”
He stripped down to his boxers and undershirt and climbed into bed. He closed his eyes, and a hollowness filled his gut. Maybe it wasn’t God’s plan for them to be together. Maybe he had to accept an ugly truth—it was time to give up on Eva and let her go.
Tears clouded Eva’s vision as she hurried up the stairs to her room. Her thoughts spun as confusion, love, affection, fear, and guilt all warred inside of her. She loved Ian, but she was terrified to allow herself to love a man other than Simeon. She longed to build a life with Ian, but she couldn’t bring herself to consider taking Junior away from Simeon’s family when he was their last link to their son.
Against her better judgment, she had allowed herself to stay in New Wilmington too long, and she’d become too attached to Ian. It was time to leave. She had to get away from him before she agreed to stay and marry him. She didn’t belong here, and she needed to get back home to Ronks.
Pulling her duffel bag out of the closet, Eva began to fill it with the clothes and books she’d brought with her. After she packed it all, she pulled the bus schedule from the drawer in her nightstand and studied it. A bus was scheduled to leave tomorrow morning for Lancaster County. She would call Ted first thing in the morning and ask him to take her to the station. She just had to let Marilyn know she was coming.
She hurried down the stairs and to the back door. Peeking out, she scanned the porch, making sure Ian had gone home instead of waiting to see if she would come back outside. She couldn’t face him and tell him she planned to leave.
You’re a coward, Eva.
Ignoring her inner voice, she crept out onto the porch and found the lantern where she’d left it. Flipping it on, she hurried down the porch steps and to the phone shanty. She dialed her mother-in-law’s number and then waited for voice mail to pick up.
After the beep, she began to speak. “Mamm, this is Eva. I’m coming home tomorrow. I’ve had a gut stay here, but it’s time to leave. I miss all of you so much, and I think Junior misses you too.” She wrapped the phone cord around her fingers as she shared the time she would arrive. “Would you please arrange for a driver to meet me at the bus station? Danki.” She held her breath as renewed guilt swamped her. “It’s too difficult to be here surrounded by memories. I have to tell you the truth, and I hope you will forgive me.”
Her voice sounded foreign to her ears as guilt colored her tone. “You’re going to be disappointed in me, but I’ve fallen in love with an old freind. His name is Ian, and he works for my parents. I’ve known him since I was a teenager. It’s tearing me to pieces to be with him. Ian has taught Junior how to play catch and fish. He even built Junior a schee swing set. But I know it’s wrong to feel this way about him.” She paused and sniffed as tears raced down her cheeks.
“Ian asked me to stay and marry him. He wants to build a haus for Junior and me, but I can’t even think of taking Junior away from you. That’s why I need to come home. I have to leave before I tell Ian yes. Please forgive me. I started packing tonight, and I’ll finish in the morning. Junior and I will see you tomorrow. Gut nacht.”
After she hung up the phone, Eva rushed back into the house. She changed into her nightgown and then climbed into bed. Burying her face in her pillow, she dissolved into sobs.
“Wake up, Junior.” Eva gently nudged her son as he slept curled up with his thumb in his mouth. “Come on, mei liewe. We have to get to the bus station.”
Junior moaned and rolled onto his side, facing the wall.
Eva cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle a yawn and then began opening dresser drawers and tossing Junior’s clothes into the duffel bag.
Junior sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Where are we going?”
“We have to go home to Ronks.”
“Why?” he whined.
“Because we have to.” Eva’s eyes stung as another yawn overtook her. She’d slept less than two hours. Her tears and conflicting thoughts about leaving kept her up most of the night.
“But I don’t want to go.” Junior’s eyes misted as his lower lip trembled. “I want to stay here with Mammi, Daadi, and Ian.”
“I know, mei liewe, but we have to go.” She took a deep breath as regret nearly choked back her words. “Now, get up. Go wash your face.” She pointed toward the doorway. “You need to eat breakfast, and then we have to go.”
“No.” He shook his head as tears poured down his cheeks. “I don’t want to go.”
“We have to.” She repeated the words with emphasis. “Junior, I need you to—”
“No!” He yelled the word. “I want to stay here!”
Footfalls echoed in the hallway, and Eva braced herself. She wasn’t ready to tell her mother they were leaving. Bitter-tasting guilt swallowed her up as the footsteps came closer.
“I want to stay!” Junior repeated as his shoulders shook. “Don’t make me go!”
“What’s going on?” Mamm appeared in the doorway, her eyes focused on the duffel bag. “What are you doing?”
“We’re leaving.” Eva winced when she saw her mother’s face crumple.
“Why?” Mamm grabbed at her chest as if her heart were breaking. “Did I do something to upset you?”
“No, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just better this way.” Eva reached for Junior. “Get up now. You have to wash your face and then get dressed.” She turned to her mother. “Would you please help him get dressed? I need to call Ted and ask him to take us to the bus station.”
Mamm paused for a moment as
her hazel eyes glistened. “Tell me the truth, Eva. Did I do something to upset you? If so, please forgive me. I can’t lose you again.”
“It’s not you.” Eva’s voice trembled as she touched her mother’s hand. “It’s me. It’s too painful for me to stay here surrounded by the memories of what life used to be. Junior and I belong with the Dienners. I promise I will call you every week, and we’ll come to visit again soon. Please understand I just can’t live here.”
“I’ll try to understand.” Mamm nodded, but her face remained wistful. “I’ll support you this time.”
“Danki.” Eva swiveled back to Junior, who was wiping away more tears. “Please get up.”
Junior climbed out of bed, rushed across the room, and hugged her mother as he sobbed.
“It’s all right, mei liewe.” Mamm lifted him into her arms and hugged him. “Maybe your daadi and I can come visit you. Would you like that?”
Eva wiped away her own tears as she rushed down the stairs, out the front door, and down the path to the phone shanty. When she lifted the receiver to dial Ted’s number, she discovered a voice mail message. After she entered the code, Marilyn’s voice came through the phone.
“Hello, this is Marilyn Dienner. I’m hoping to reach Eva before she leaves,” her mother-in-law began. “Eva, if you’re there, please listen to what I have to say. I played your message more than once this morning, and I have to admit it doesn’t sound like you really want to come back to Ronks. And that’s okay. In fact, I think that’s fantastic. When we spoke last week, I could hear how froh you were. I haven’t heard you sound that froh since, well, since we lost Simeon.”
Eva gasped.
“Eva,” Marilyn continued, “we support you if you want to stay in New Wilmington and build a new life for Junior. We all understand. You deserve happiness, and you’re allowed to move on with your life. We all know how much you and Simeon loved each other. You and Simeon had a gut, strong marriage, and you shared some froh times together. God chose to take Simeon, and we can’t question why. But Simeon is gone now, and you and Junior have to find your way without him.”
