by Grace James
“No! Wait!” I grabbed the curtain, stopping her from moving it. “You’ve said it now, I can’t just forget it. Me and Connor are in a fight, that doesn’t mean that I should just cut my losses and break up with him!”
Mel was feisty enough that a throw down in the middle of a store wouldn’t deter her from what she had to say. I should really have borne that in mind before I pushed the issue – but I was too upset and mixed up to know better by that point.
Mel’s nostrils flared as she straightened to her full height (she still had to look up at me). “The guy disappeared all night to who knows where with who knows who and you’re not going to break up with him? To me, that’s enough to kick his ass to the curb even without all the messed up shit he’s pulled in the past!”
“You don’t know anything about him. There are reasons he is the way he is!”
“Lots of people have rough childhoods, Amy. They don’t all go around punishing the people they’re supposed to love because they got dealt a shitty hand!”
64
I need to press pause here because there’s something I need to explain, namely that Connor and I had never said that we were in love with each other.
I mean, I thought I loved him and I hoped that he loved me too… but we had never actually said the words. If I’m totally honest, I had been waiting for him to say it first – and he never did, so I never did.
But I was still pretty sure that I did love him, even if the words had never crossed my lips.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that if you really are in love with someone there’s no ‘thought’ or ‘pretty sure’ about it. You just know that you love them, deep in your soul.
But I didn’t know that at the time, so I didn’t correct Mel when she mentioned ‘love’.
Annnnd back to the fight –
65
“He’s not punishing me!” I yelled. “I just expect too much of him sometimes –”
“Are you listening to yourself?!” Mel shouted back. “Can you hear how dumb you sound?!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” I was clutching the curtain so tight that my hand was going numb. “You don’t know what he’s like when it’s just us!”
“I don’t need to know! I see enough of the crap that he puts you through when you’re not alone to make everything else irrelevant. Anyone who makes you constantly miserable isn’t worth the time! You need to wake up and see him for what he really is.”
“And what is he? Some kind of monster? I’m not constantly miserable! Relationships aren’t always easy, sometimes they’re hard but you don’t just walk away when it’s tough, you stick around and make it work.”
Mel glanced over my shoulder, towards the entrance to the fitting room. I followed her gaze and saw that we had an audience. Two of the shop assistants were staring at us – all they were missing was popcorn.
She lowered her voice and stepped towards me. “Some things, some people, aren’t worth fighting for. Just because he looks like a Calvin Klein model, doesn’t mean that you should be together.”
“That’s not why I’m with him,” I said, my voice shaking with anger and hurt.
“Maybe not the whole reason, no, but you convinced yourself that he was this amazing guy before you even got to know him properly and you’re still kidding yourself. I’m not saying he’s a bad person, just that he’s bad for you.”
I couldn’t even answer her. I turned away and fled back into my fitting room, dragging the dress off and changing back into my clothes as quickly as I could. I heard ruffling noises from Mel’s cubicle and knew that she was doing the same. As soon as I was dressed, I burst from the fitting room, abandoning the clothes that I had taken in there, and high tailed it out of the store. I kept my head down as I walked swiftly away, shrinking under the stares of the shop assistants and other customers.
66
I don’t know how long I walked for but the sun was high in the sky when I stormed out of the mall and, when I finally found some clarity, the sun was starting to dip below the horizon.
Every time I thought about Mel’s words my teeth clenched and my breathing quickened. I felt the urge to run, to punch, to vent my anger in some physical way; there was so much anxiety rushing through me that I needed an outlet. So I just kept walking.
I was so furious at her for what she had said about Connor – about us. My mind worked in an endless loop, a cycle of anxiety and guilt that I couldn’t bring to a halt.
It went something like this:
How DARE she say that Connor makes me miserable! She has no idea what she’s talking about – he’s made me so happy.
But...not recently. Recently he HAS made me miserable.
But it’s not his fault, he’s so busy with the band, with work...and then there is always drama with his family...so okay, LATELY it’s been different, but every couple goes through a rough patch every now and then.
No, those are just excuses. If he really cared about me, he would make time for me – he wouldn’t keep blowing me off to hang with his friends...and he wouldn’t leave me alone all night to wonder where he was.
God, just the thought of that makes me so angry I could scream!
Am I just a complete idiot?
According to Mel, yes, I probably am...but Blake doesn’t think so. He didn’t want me to feel stupid. I can barely believe that of him, there was a time when he seemed to LIVE to make me feel stupid.
Not now though.
Something changed...
Because it fucking kills me when you cry.
God, why do those words make my stomach clench? I can’t believe he said them. And the way he held me, the way he locked me against his chest, the way he smelt! What would it have felt like to kiss him? To have him crush my body against his?
No! Dammit, I CAN’T think of him that way!
That’s NOT who I am. I won’t be that girl.
I WON’T do that to Connor...
...and Blake would never do that to Connor either. Blake’s always taken care of him, since they were kids, he would never betray him like that. And even if he would, he would never go there with ME anyway – I’ve seen the girls he goes for and I am NOTHING like them, I’m at least three cup sizes smaller for one thing…
But that’s not how he makes me feel, he makes me feel like I’m all he sees…
How does he do that?
WHY does he do that?
He probably can’t help it. He’s a womanizer, a man-whore, he’s so used to turning on the charm with women that it’s become his default setting.
But it doesn’t feel like that, it never USED to be like that...
Because it fucking kills me when you cry.
Dammit!
Does Connor care whether I cry? If he did, he wouldn’t do half the things he does...but he’s made me so happy too...
And then the whole cycle would begin again; an exhausting, confusing jumble of thoughts that I couldn’t seem to sort through.
I finally came to a stop outside a shabby apartment block: Connor’s place.
My feet had led me there while my mind was occupied.
I stood for a moment and looked up at his window. I knew I had to talk to him; I needed answers. I took a deep breath and stepped forward, pressing the buzzer for his apartment.
67
He buzzed me in and, when I got to the top of the stairs, the door to his apartment was already open and he was leaning against the doorframe, waiting for me, tapping the tops of his thighs in a rapid and intricate beat.
When I reached him, he offered me a glum smile. “Forgive me?” He asked.
“For what?” I asked, feigning innocent confusion.
“You know what.”
“But do you?”
He sighed. “Jesus, I’m apologizing here. I didn’t mean to upset you. I never do.”
But you always manage to anyway...and that was NOT an apology.
“You said in your text that you would exp
lain. So, are you going to?”
He nodded towards the inside of the apartment. “Come in? I don’t want to do this here.”
“Okay.”
As I walked past him into the apartment, I noticed that he had unpacked his stuff and the empty boxes were stacked by the front door. He even had drapes over the large window. Refusing to be impressed, I folded my arms across my chest and turned back to him.
He closed the door and walked towards me. “I should’ve called you. I went to a house party with the guys after Filthy’s.” He shrugged. “I drank a lot and crashed there, we all did.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s all there is to it, like I said, I should have let you know.”
“You asked me to stay here, Connor. Why ask me to stay if you weren’t going to come back?”
A look of irritation crossed his face. “I didn’t know that I wasn’t coming back, it’s not like I did it on purpose.”
“Whose party was it?”
“Why does that matter?”
“You don’t want to tell me?”
“Fuck’s sake, Amy, it’s not important who’s party it was!”
“Then tell me!”
He let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. “Fine – but you’ll freak out over nothing, as usual.”
“Connor! Whose party was it?!”
“Alright, Jesus.” He looked away. “It was Carley’s party.”
I was so shocked that it took me a second to answer. “Carley as in your ex-girlfriend Carley who you couldn’t wait to get away from the night we met? That Carley?!”
He looked back at me, meeting my gaze unflinchingly. “Yeah – you happy now? Now you have something you can really yell at me about. It wasn’t my idea, alright? Matt’s dating her friend, Jess, and she’s the one who invited us.”
“And you just had to go with them, right?” I said snidely.
“Here it comes, this is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“But you could have told me! One little text –”
“And what? You’d have just been fine with it?!”
“At least I wouldn’t have wound up feeling like you just abandoned me!”
Connor snorted scornfully. “Jesus, really? Abandoned you?”
“Where did you sleep?” I demanded.
He blinked and hesitated, only for a fraction of a second, but enough for me to notice. “On the couch.”
I felt like I had a golf ball lodged in my throat. “Alone?”
“Yes alone! Jesus fucking Christ!”
I swallowed and just looked at him. I searched his eyes for the truth. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe him so badly.
He glared back at me.
I broke eye contact and looked at the floor. I realized that I was standing in the same exact spot that I’d been standing when Blake took me in his arms. I was standing right where I’d inhaled his scent and lusted after his kiss.
Guilt flooded me, turning my limbs to lead.
I hadn’t cheated on Connor. I hadn’t acted on my desires for Blake and I told myself that I NEVER would...but they were still there.
How could I punish him when I was lying to him?
Well, I wasn’t technically lying, but omission of the truth is just as bad as lying, right?
I planned to fight the way that I felt for Blake tooth and nail, but that didn’t change the fact that when he’d held me I had wanted him.
The guilt was eating me alive...and I just wanted my and Connor’s fight to be over. I needed us to be okay again, because the alternative scared me too much.
I looked back at him, at his hard yet beautiful face and his eyes, still soulful, even under his glower. I remembered how those eyes had looked at me that first night on the roof of the bowling alley when we’d stayed up all night talking. I remembered the way he’d looked at me after the backyard gig, when I’d seen him drum for the first time. And I remembered the first time we slept together – how special he’d made me feel.
He sighed. “If you don’t believe me, then I don’t know what to tell you.”
“I believe you,” I said quietly.
68
I once read an interview in a music magazine with a famous British producer who’d worked with dozens of really successful bands. He talked about something that he dubbed ‘the suspension of disbelief’.
The interviewer had asked him something like, “How much do you rely on Auto Tune in your work?” or something to that effect.
For those who don’t know, Auto Tune is the software that music producers use to make sure that the raw vocals that have been recorded are actually in tune. Basically, they make the singer sound like they’re singing in tune, even if they were way off in the original recording.
The producer guy said that he used Auto Tune a lot, but that he wouldn’t disclose any details or mention any singers personally.
“But there must be some singers out there who won’t allow that, who want their music to sound real and would resent the use of Auto Tune?” The interviewer asked.
The producer had laughed. “There are definitely a lot of musicians out there who would say that, yes. But, really, how are they going to know if I’ve tweaked a few things here and there? That’s what they come to me for, so that I can make them sound that good.
“In reality, no one sings perfectly all the time, no one plays guitar perfectly all the time – but a lot of people think they do. When they listen back to the finished track, they think they sounded that good. They think that I’ve just put everything together for them like a jigsaw… but they don’t think about what else I’ve done. It doesn’t even cross their mind that I’ve brought in a session guitarist to re-record some of the guitar parts because their original recording just wasn’t good enough. And the Auto Tune that I’ve used is so subtle and artfully administered that they don’t realize that they couldn’t hit the high note in the chorus even once.”
“But, how can they NOT recognize that their original recordings have been altered?” I imagined that the interviewer was horrified when he asked that question.
“It’s something I call the ‘suspension of disbelief’ – they want to sound that good, they desperately want to believe that they are that good, and so they suspend their disbelief – maybe not even consciously, most probably, the whole thing is entirely sub conscious, but either way the result is the same, if you really, really want something to be true, the human brain can suspend your disbelief.”
I thought that British producer sounded like a genius.
What I didn’t think about at the time was that the ‘suspension of disbelief’ could apply to other areas of life, too.
And it definitely doesn’t only apply to musicians – anyone can do it.
I definitely did.
69
It was late when I got back home, so I entered the apartment as quietly as I could. I didn’t want to disturb Mel, partly because I didn’t want to wake her but mostly because I didn’t want to talk to her after our fight in the mall.
But she was sitting on the couch watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother. It was the episode about the origin of the Bro Code. If you haven’t seen that episode, it’s the one where Barney is studying the Bro Code in an attempt to uncover an instance where his friend, Ted, broke the code – so that Barney can justify wanting to date Ted’s ex-girlfriend.
It immediately made me think of Blake.
I hated the way that kept happening.
When Mel saw me she held up a box of chocolate doughnuts that had been sitting on the table. “Peace offering,” she said, offering me a small smile.
I sat on the couch next to her. “You really hate him, don’t you?” I asked.
She looked horrified. “No! I don’t, Amy, I promise. We’ve all hung out a million times and I get along fine with him...it’s just that sometimes you two seem to make each other unhappy.”
I bristled at her comment and had to look away.
; “But it’s none of my business,” she continued quickly. “I shouldn’t have said anything. You know how you feel, if you’re happy with him then that’s good enough for me. I don’t want to fight over this.”
“Connor and I made up,” I said flatly.
“Oh, good!” she said enthusiastically, and I couldn’t help feeling like a four year old who was being told that her picture of a green and brown blob really did look like a tree.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I said, before pointing at the doughnuts. “You didn’t even open them yet?”
“See how sorry I am? I left them all for you.”
“Wow, you really are sorry!” I opened the box and took one, settling back on the couch before handing her the box. “Seriously though Mel, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. Can we forget about it?”
“It’s already forgotten,” she said, biting into a chocolate topped doughnut.
I followed suit and took a huge bite of my own. “My God, I love you,” I said as the chocolate sweetness dissolved on my tongue. “Hey...did you buy that green dress after all?”
“No! I practically ran out of that store after the scene we caused!”
I snorted, nearly spitting doughnut everywhere. “Well I think we should go back and claim our abandoned dresses. Sons are playing Galvanize this Friday – perfect opportunity for a new outfit – will you come?”
Galvanize was a new venue that had opened up near to the strip. It had a huge capacity. A few months before, Sons of Sinners probably couldn’t have filled it, but since they had Aiden working with them, they seemed to be unstoppable.
“Are you sure you want me to?” Mel asked.
“Oh, come on! I can shelve the fact that you hate my boyfriend for one night!” I teased.
“I don’t hate him! Shit, I wish I’d never said anything!”
“Kidding, Mel! It’s forgotten. Just come, okay? I just want things to go back to how they used to be.”
