by Grace James
“Fuuuck, man, di’nt realize th’ time,” Blake slurred, clearly he’d been drinking.
“Just get in the van,” Aiden said curtly, shaking his head, climbing into the front with Kane and slamming the door behind him.
I held my breath, realizing that the only place left for Blake to sit was next to me. I was about to get up and go shove Connor awake and tell him to let me share the back row of seats with him, but before I could move, Blake was climbing into the van, pulling the door shut behind him and flopping down on the seat next to me.
As Kane started the van, Blake let his head loll back against the headrest. “Hey, Princess,” he murmured drunkenly.
The shock of him actually speaking to me rendered me speechless.
He rolled his head to the side and looked at me directly for the first time in days. “Said ‘hey, Princess’, y’gonna say ‘hey’ back or just fuckin’ ignore me?”
I could smell the alcohol coming off of him in waves. It occurred to me then that I had never seen him really drunk before. I’d seen him a little hyped or tipsy, but never wasted like this.
“Hey, Blake,” I said quietly.
“She fuckin’ speaks!”
I almost reminded him that he had actually been the one who was ignoring me but I thought better of it.
“You should try get some sleep, man,” Kane said from the front seat.
“Can’t…don’t fuckin’ sleep anymore…” Blake held my gaze as he spoke and, despite his drunken haze, his eyes were intense. “D’you sleep, Princess?”
No, I don’t, I can’t either.
I swallowed thickly. “You should drink some water.” I leant down and pulled a bottle of water from my purse, which was by my feet. “Here, take this.”
He chuckled mirthlessly. “Y’still pretendin’ to care ‘bout me? Why’d’ya do that? Y’don’t fuckin’ care.”
I shot a quick glance at the front of the van and saw Kane looking at us in the rear view mirror, a troubled look in his eyes.
When I looked back at Blake, he was frowning like he was in agony. “Why’d’ya do it Princess?” he whispered.
My heart was pounding, I hated seeing him hurting. I almost reached out and cupped his gorgeous face in my palm –
But then the image of him tangled up with a beautiful groupie flashed through my mind.
It was like a stab in the heart.
I bit down hard on my lip as my eyes filled with tears.
Blake’s eyes drifted to my mouth and then back up to my watery eyes. “Don’t do that,” his voice was raw with emotion. “Don’t you fuckin’ dare, I can’t fuckin’ stand it.”
Not trusting myself to speak, I turned away from him, resting my forehead on the cold glass of the window, forcing myself to breathe slowly, willing myself not to lose it.
All of a sudden, I felt his big hand on me; he splayed it possessively over my stomach before curling his arm around my waist and gripping me tightly. Then I felt a warm pressure on my shoulder and a puff of breath against my upper arm; I knew without looking that he was resting his forehead on my shoulder.
I couldn’t move.
To say I was ‘conflicted’ is like saying the sun is a little bit warm.
The smell of alcohol heightened and pulsed around me, but having him close to me again, even in that state, was quenching a thirst that ran so deep it touched my soul.
But at the same time, in that moment, a part of me hated him.
I knew that wasn’t fair. I had pushed him away after all, not the other way around…but the fact that he could just go off and screw groupies when my heart was still bleeding over him made me want to claw him to shreds.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to move away from him.
I looked out of the van window, seeing the lights of city fly by. Soon, we were on the interstate, falling in with the caravan of tour busses and vans that were all heading in the same direction. As I watched the steady glow of the tail lights and headlights, I felt Blake’s arm around my waist relax, and the pressure of his head on my shoulder increase; his breathing had deepened and I knew that the alcohol had gotten the better of him and he was sleeping.
I don’t think I’ve ever despised myself more than I did at that moment; relishing the feel of him against me while simultaneously hating him for sleeping with other women; all while my boyfriend slept alone a few feet away.
After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. I shifted out from under him and lowered his upper body down as gently as I could, so that his head was resting on my seat. I moved down the row and lifted his legs up so that he was lying on his side across the seats. I placed the bottle of water that I had been holding on the seat next to his stomach, knowing he would need it when he woke up.
Then I sat down on the floor of the van, resting my back against the sliding door.
“Are you okay, Amy?” Kane’s quiet voice drifted from the front of the van.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied softly. I couldn’t look at him as I spoke, I didn’t want to see the judgment that I knew would be on his face – and who could blame him, really?
115
We spent the majority of the next day travelling. We made quick stops for breakfast and lunch, neither of which were particularly enjoyable experiences. At breakfast, Connor, Derren and Blake all looked like the walking dead – and Aiden lectured them about drinking too much and how they couldn’t afford to let it impact their performance. Derren looked sheepish, even Connor looked a little contrite, but Blake looked like he wanted to beat Aiden’s head in – which was pretty much how he looked at everyone for the rest of the day.
By the time we arrived at the venue, the guys barely had time to unload their stuff and set up for sound check. While they were getting ready in their dressing room, I located a rest room and freshened up, changing into a fresh pair of skinny jeans and a loose fitting, satin cami with spaghetti straps – slightly crumpled from being kept in my bag.
When I emerged from the rest room and started to head backstage for Sons of Sinners’ performance, I heard someone calling my name. I turned to see Hollie jogging towards me, blond ponytail bouncing behind her.
I offered her a smile. “Hey, are you coming in to watch?”
She licked her lips, a quick nervous action. “No – I – uh – I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute.”
“Oh, okay, sure.” I looked at her expectantly, but she didn’t start talking, instead she just looked at me like a deer in headlamps. “Um…what did you want to talk about?”
She wrung her hands together. “I just want you to know that…” she broke off and shook her head before blowing out a long breath. “No – okay, look, when I was in high school I dated a guy on the football team. We dated for about six months before I found out that he was also sleeping with about three other people.” She shot a panicky look at me. “The worst thing about it was that some of my friends knew about it. They could have told me what an asshole he was, but they just let me carry on dating him, knowing what he was doing behind my back. When I finally found out what was happening, I just hated that my friends kept it from me. It was the most humiliating thing about the whole situation, you know?”
I nodded, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears; I was pretty sure I knew what was coming next.
“I promised myself, that I would never do that to another person…and that’s why I have to tell you this.” Her breathing had quickened. “Connor and I slept together a couple of nights before you joined the tour – I didn’t know he had a girlfriend, I swear, I’m not like that, I’m not some groupie who follows guys around. I thought – I thought that maybe he liked me. He was so charming and funny, talking about taking me on an ‘adventure’.” She air quoted the word.
My stomach lurched. I had always thought that going on an ‘adventure’ was our thing. Turns out it was just Connor’s line.
Hollie’s hands were shaking as she finished up with “I’m just so sorry, if I had known about you I never would ha
ve done it.”
I stared at her in silence, feeling numb. I knew that I should probably be feeling angry and upset by then, but I just felt kind of…stupid, like I was the biggest idiot on the planet.
“Amy? Are you okay?” Hollie asked quietly.
I shook my head ‘no’ but I said “Yeah.”
“Uh – can I…do anything?”
I couldn’t stand the pity in her voice. “I need to go,” I said, looking into her earnest face, wishing I could hate her, but knowing it wasn’t her fault. “I just – I need to think.” I didn’t wait for her to reply before I started to hurry through the venue, towards the exit.
116
When I got outside, tears of humiliation sprang to my eyes. I sat down on a low stone wall that separated the parking lot from the walkway around the arena and buried my head in my hands. I sat there for a long time, thinking back over all the times that Connor had gotten angry at me for suggesting that he had flirted with other girls or been unfaithful to me. Over the months, there had been several examples. I’ve already mentioned a couple of the more major instances, but there were more. Of course, the one that stuck out the most in my mind was the time that I stayed at his apartment all night, waiting for him to come home to me, only to later find out that he had stayed the night at his ex-girlfriend Carley’s house.
But he had told me that nothing had happened.
And I had chosen to believe him.
I had always managed to talk myself out of thinking that he had cheated on me. I always ended up telling myself, No, he wouldn’t do that.
Even after we broke up, I had told myself that.
Turned out, he absolutely would do that.
At least according to Hollie…
Right then, I knew that I needed to hear the truth – from Connor. And I wasn’t going to back down until I got it.
I stalked back to the arena like a woman on a mission. I must have looked pretty badass (or demented) because the few people I passed gave me a wide berth.
When I got to the entrance, I flashed my pass and the security team let me right inside. More fool them. I walked through the maze of hallways until I reached Sons of Sinners’ dressing room. I could tell they were in there by the sound of voices on the other side of the door. I paused for a moment and listened; it sounded like they were joking around and I heard a couple of female voices in the mix.
Groupies, I assumed.
THAT was the moment that my humiliation started to bubble over into anger.
I threw open the door and marched inside. The door banged against the wall, loudly announcing my presence, and everyone in the room turned to look at me. Derren and Aiden were standing off to one side, studying something on Aiden’s iPad; Kane and Blake were lounging on a couch with two girls sandwiched between them; Connor was sitting on another couch to my right, with his phone in his hand. For a beat, they all stared at me in silence, then Connor spoke. “I was just about to call you. Where’ve you been? You missed our set.”
“I’ve been with Hollie,” I said, my voice clipped as I watched him closely for his reaction. His eyes widened a little, but he didn’t say anything. “What? Aren’t you going to ask what we talked about?” I challenged.
He stood up, putting his hands out, palms facing me. “Amy, you shouldn’t believe what –”
“Are you SERIOUSLY going to deny this?!” I yelled, making everyone in the room jump.
“Amy, listen –”
“She told me what happened, Connor! She told me that you asked her to go on an ‘adventure’ with her! That’s how I know it’s true, so don’t you dare lie to me!” My tears were falling freely; tears of fury and mortification.
“Jesus, calm down –”
I started advancing on him, my hands balled into fists at my side. “JUST ADMIT IT!” I screamed. “Just ADMIT what you did, you fucking coward!”
“ALRIGHT!” he roared, his face distorting in to an ugly grimace. “I fucked her! She actually wanted it, unlike YOU!”
I blinked in shock and looked away, noticing that the other guys were now standing close by, their body language tense, like they were ready to jump in. Blake’s expression was grim, and I saw the muscles in his jaw tick as he glowered at Connor. There was no sign of Aiden or the girls who had been in the room when I walked in. I wondered dimly if Aiden had already ushered them out.
I forced myself to look back at Connor, making my eyes meet his dead on. “What about Carley?” I asked, my voice low and cold. “Did you sleep with her too? That night you didn’t come home?”
He was quiet for so long I thought he wasn’t going to answer; finally, he ground out a “Yes,” through gritted teeth.
I felt a tickle on my jaw and lifted my hand to wipe away the tears that were suspended there. “Any others?”
He didn’t answer, but he at least had the decency to look ashamed.
“Why did you even ask me to come on tour with you?” I asked, my voice laced with bitterness. “Why did you ask me to get back together with you? You clearly think so little of me.”
He snorted scornfully. “Because I wanted you to come with me. You’re the one who started bitching and moaning again –”
“Bullshit! You’d already cheated on me by then!”
He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I just thought it would be different! Jesus, I thought it was what I wanted…”
“So what you said in the hospital was all just – what? You feeling nostalgic?”
“I was coming down, Amy! I was freaking out and I said some stupid shit.” He shrugged and shook his head as if to say What did you expect?
I closed my eyes and rubbed my hands over my damp face. The dark comedy of the situation struck me with full force and I barked a humorless laugh that was half sob. “To think I actually felt guilty,” I murmured. “I tortured myself over what I did and the whole time you were sleeping around behind my back.” I shook my head in disgust – at him, at myself, at the whole situation.
Connor’s face darkened. “What do you mean?”
I realized the implications of what I had just let slip. I stared at him with wide eyes, unable to speak as heat flooded my cheeks.
He tilted his head to the side as he regarded me, like a lion about to devour a mouse. “What. Do. You. Mean?”
I felt a hand touch my shoulder lightly. “Amy, maybe you should come outside with me,” Kane said softly, and when I turned my head to look at him, I could see the concern written across his face.
But I was sick of carrying secrets around with me; I was just so goddamn tired of all the lies. I knew that I had to come clean with Connor. Even with everything he had just admitted, I couldn’t stand the guilt any longer.
I shook my head at Kane and looked back at Connor. “I slept with someone else after we broke up,” I said to him, my voice only wavering a little. “When you asked me to get back together, I broke it off with him.”
“Who was it?” he snarled.
“It doesn’t matter who it was. The point is, I was with someone else but I gave them up for you, I gave up everything for you!” My voice was loud and shrill and I didn’t even try to temper it, I just let him have it, I released all the venom I had stored up. “Because I was terrified of what you would do if I didn’t, because you said you needed me! I ripped my HEART out for you and it meant nothing to you!”
Connor’s mouth set in a hard line and the scowl on his face was pure loathing. I guess he didn’t like the shoe being on the other foot. I met his eyes defiantly for a moment, before they were pulled in another direction.
Like magnets connecting, my gaze locked with Blake’s. His brows were drawn down low over his blue eyes but his mouth was parted, like he’d just had the wind knocked out of him.
As I stared at him, I saw the exact moment that he realized that I’d lied to him.
I managed to snap my eyes back to Connor, but it was too late. I could practically see the dots connecting in his head. He looked back and fort
h between me and Blake, his eyes hardening.
“Oh, shit,” Derren breathed. He’d clearly got it too.
“My cousin?” Connor snarled, disgust coating his words. “My fucking cousin?”
I didn’t have time to answer before he started swinging. Blake managed to intercept the punch aimed at his face and grab Connor’s hand, using the grip he then had on him to pull him forward and barrel his fist into Connor’s stomach. I heard Connor’s pained grunt, but he launched himself at Blake regardless, trying to take him down. Then Kane was there, huge arms bulging as he tried to shove them apart. He ended up grappling with them both, managing to hook one of his legs around Blake’s and send him down backwards, but Blake had no intention of letting go of Connor, and they all crashed to the floor in a mass of fury. It was like watching a wrestling match, only there was no referee, just Derren desperately trying to pull Connor off of the top of the pile, but to no avail. They were in full on barroom-brawl-mode when Aiden came back into the room.
“Jesus Christ,” he hissed, before darting back out again and shouting down the hallway for security.
Moments later, three burly men entered the room and started to pull the guys apart. My hands were over my mouth, and I’m sure my eyes were bugging out, when Aiden positioned himself in front of me. His expression was cold and clinical.
“Get out of here,” he said, his voice clipped. “Wait in the hallway. Do not come back in here unless I tell you to.”
I cut my gaze back to the guys, who were still being dragged apart. I could see blood on Blake’s lips and one of Connor’s eyes looked like it was puffing up.
“Now, Amy,” Aiden said. “Or I will have you forcibly removed.”
I nodded and backed away on shaky legs, finally turning away when I reached the door.
It slammed behind me.
117
I stood in the hallway, staring at the closed door for what seemed like an eternity before it occurred to me that I was still being an idiot.
What the hell was I waiting for?
