by Pepper Pace
After a frustrated sigh, Troy quickly dialed his parent’s number. Mom answered.
“Hey Mom.”
“Troy! Let me get your dad on the phone.” He could hear her move the phone away from her ear as she hurried through the house for Dad. He could hear her instructing him to pick up the other extension, then the both of them were on a line.
“I’ve been worried about you son! Are you okay?”
“Yes. Got to talk to a doctor and got some meds for the headache.”
“Oh…you had an attack.”
“Yes, but it wasn’t a long one…I don’t think. That medicine was pretty strong. It pretty much knocked me out. I’ll be going to a group session later today. Did any of the doctors call you?”
His Mom answered. “They called twice. The second time they were looking for Juicy.”
“Did she try to call?”
“No.”
There was a long pause. “Okay…Well, will you do me a huge favor and call her for me? Tell her I’ll try to call myself but I can’t make long distance calls from the facility. Have her call for me either here or there.”
“I’ll call her as soon as we hang up.” Mom said.
“Will you call us back when you can?” Dad asked.
“I will.”
“Alright, son. We love you.” Hearing those words caused the worry lines to smooth from his brow.
“I love you both.” He hung up and noted that both of the people in the room swung their eyes back to the TV as if they had not been totally listening to every word he’d said. He recalled what Jace had said, about their being eyes all around. Maybe they weren’t patients. They weren’t wearing name tags, but that didn’t mean that they weren’t undercover.
Troy left the room quickly, his mouth felt dry; cotton mouth. Probably a side effect of what Dr. Barren had just given him or what he’d been given yesterday. He decided to go up to the cafeteria for something to drink. He was thinking of ways to sneak into one of the private offices to use the phone when he saw Jace and a heavily made up goth girl sitting at a table playing cards.
“Troy!” Jace waved at him excitedly. “That’s my roommate.” He directed to the girl. She eyed him with appreciation. She didn’t seem much older than seventeen or eighteen herself and he began to wonder if the entire nation wasn’t filled with mentally disturbed children.
He headed to their table with a cup of water from the cooler and then pulled out a chair and sat, not planning to stay long. He wasn’t feeling very social. “Hey Jace.”
“He is cute.” The girl said while staring at him and Troy glanced at Jace who was blushing furiously.
“Uh…did you decide on whether you’re going to group or one on one counseling?” He asked quickly.
The girl nudged the blushing boy. “Introductions?” Instead of waiting for him to do the honors she reached over and offered her hand to Troy. She was as pale as Jace. He shook her hand quickly.
“I’m Magnus.”
“Magnus…” Troy said, as if testing the word in his mouth. “Nice to meet you. I’m Troy.” His eyes moved to Jace again. “I think that I will go to group.”
Magnus continued to watch him as she bit her short nails. The black paint on them was scraped almost completely off.
“How old are you?” She interrupted.
“Twenty-five.”
“Are you a suicide attempt, too?”
“No.” His eyes flitted from one to the other of them and he noted that Jace had pulled the sleeves down over his wrists again.
“This is my third attempt.” She spoke with a strange mixture of pride and defiance.
Oh wow…were they so white because they’d lost blood? “Oh.” He said, a little uncomfortable. “Okay.” His eyes suddenly drooped and he sighed. The world turned sideways…
When things came back around, he saw that Jace was calling him, and then a moment later he could hear him. The young man was waving his hands in front of his face and Troy followed the motion with his eyes before he looked directly at Jace.
He took a moment to get everything straight in his head before speaking. “Sorry…I kinda black out when I get stressed.” He cleared his throat self consciously and stood. “I’m going to go lay down.”
“Well they’ll be serving lunch in a few minutes. Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” Jace said, giving him a hopeful look.
“No, I’m not very hungry.” He nodded to Magnus who was watching him as if he’d just bled from his palms.
“Okay. I guess I’ll see you in group. If you want I’ll come get you.” Troy walked out the door and waved absently behind him.
He headed to the elevators and Rebecca called out to him; the nurse that had led them to the cafeteria earlier today. “Hey Troy. How’s it going?” He stopped and gave her a tired smile.
“Pretty good.
“Are you going to counseling after lunch?”
“I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll lay down and pass on lunch, but yeah, I’ll be in group.”
“Ok, have a good nap.” Troy continued towards the elevators and when he glanced back around it was in time to see her scribbling something down.
CHAPTER 15
He was tired but didn’t realize that he could sleep so deeply in the middle of the day. Then he felt Jace shaking his bed and his eyes popped open. He rubbed them with his knuckles and yawned.
“What time is it? And why aren’t there clocks in this place?”
“Maybe they don’t want people to know when their seventy-two hours expires.” He reached for his cell phone. “We have about fifteen minutes before group.” Troy sat up and yawned.
“Thanks. I would have slept right through.”
“You sleep a lot.”
“Medicine. Don’t they give you medicine?”
He shrugged. “Anti-depressants. But I’ve been on those for years.” He handed him an apple. “I thought you might be hungry so brought you this.”
“Thanks.” He said gratefully and then took a big bite. He was a little hungry now, but wouldn’t have any trouble waiting until dinner time before eating a full meal. There had been many a time that’d he’d gone days without good food.
“Sorry about Magnus…you know, bringing up stuff about suicide.”
Troy swallowed down the apple pieces. “Don’t worry about it.”
Jace sat on his own bed, crossing his legs Indian style. “It’s just that three attempted suicides is nothing to brag about. Hell if you need three times then you don’t really want to die.”
Troy watched him thoughtfully. “How many times have you tried?”
The boy turned red. “Once.”
“Were you trying to…”
Jace flashed him an unfriendly look. “Get attention?”
“No, but I guess the question amounts to the same thing. But what I was going to say is; were you trying to actually die?”
He seemed to think about that then he came to his feet. “We better get going. They don’t come to get you for counseling. You either go or you don’t.”
The two were silent as they headed for the elevator, Troy allowing the younger boy to lead as he seemed to know the ins and outs. Once inside the elevator Jace turned to him.
“Why are you in here?”
Troy gave him an earnest look. “To get better. Why are you here?” The boy frowned.
There were eight people in group; Magnus, a middle aged woman with nervous eyes, a black guy with tattoos and a look like he wanted to kill someone, a blond haired blue-eyed cheerleader, an overweight woman who kept smiling at everyone, and lastly Troy and Jace.
The black man that Troy had come to know as Kelly, sat prominently in the center of the semi circle arrangement of chairs.
Troy immediately wanted to turn around and walk out. He had not forgotten that he had called this poor man by someone else’s name while he’d been semi-alert. What was surprising is that he had accepted the name without correcting him once.
“Hi Tro
y. Happy to see you.” He called out happily.
“Hey.” Troy murmured. Damn, they were so happy here. It wasn’t that he thought they were fake; they seemed earnest. But it was still annoying or unsettling, or…whatever.
“What’s happening, Jace?
“Hi Harold.” Jace responded amicably.
“Just grab a seat anywhere. We have no seating order.” This was for the benefit of Troy since Jace obviously knew all that needed to be known. Magnus patted one of the two empty seats next to her and Jace moved over to her. Troy followed.
“Did you have a good nap?” Magnus leaned forward in order to see past Jace so that she could speak to him.
“It was good. Thank you.” As an after-thought he added; “Who won at your game of poker?”
Jace responded. “Neither, we didn’t finish.”
“Well we can all play after counseling.” Magnus suggested.
Troy shrugged. “Maybe.” He didn’t like playing card games. It seemed frivolous and pointless. Who had time for that when you were scoping out your next bed and your next meal?
Harold/Kelly brought his big hands together. “Okay, looks like we got everyone that’s going to show up, so we’re going to get started. For the record, I am Dr. Harold Elliott. I have been working with Good Saints Hospital for over twenty years. I’ve grown up in a household with a mentally ill parent, so I believe that I have a unique understanding of the world of mental illness.
“Now some of you have been in group counseling before and it’s very simple. We’re going to cover one very simple rule; we don’t attack. We will have differences of opinions and that’s ok, just respect those differences. Now shall we all introduce ourselves?”
Magnus raised her hand and stood. “I’m Elissa Magnus, but everyone just calls me Magnus…” She looked at Harold. “Should we say why we’re here?”
Harold nodded. “If you would like.”
“Attempted suicide.” She looked around, seemingly unsure of how to continue. Then she flopped back down in her seat and began to chew her already shortened nails.
“Thank you Magnus. Jace would you go next please?” Jace pulled himself out of his chair. He was thin and nervous which was at odds to the talkative boy that Troy had met.
He cleared his throat. “I’m Jace MaCadue. I uh…” He cleared his throat. “…tried to commit suicide but obviously, it didn’t work.” Someone chuckled. “This is my third time here in Good Saints, but not for suicide.” He sat down quickly.
Troy tried not to show his curiosity. It wasn’t his business as to whether or not he had always been committed against his will. Having been in a few group therapy sessions before, Troy knew that it was best to just get it over with, so he stood up quickly.
“I’m Troy Hyden. I’m here because I’m going to have a baby and I want to…” the black guy snickered and Jace flashed him the evil eye while Troy ignored them both “…be as near to normal as I can be for my child.” He sat down then.
“Thank you Troy.”
The smiling overweight woman was next. She was depressed which had begun freaking out her family. Ahh, Troy figured out that she was on ‘happy’ pills. The black tattooed man was next. His boys said that he was talking crazy; thought he was paranoid schizophrenic, though he proclaimed that he wasn’t. Next was the cheerleader; alcohol and drug abuse. The middle aged woman had accidentally taken a bottle of sleeping pills after her husband had left her for his secretary.
Harold was watching his mysterious clipboard. “So many of you have a common link. Most everyone here has attempted suicide.”
Not me, thought Troy.
“I didn’t.” The black guy said, echoing his thought.
“Me either.” Spoke the cheerleader.
“No.” Harold agreed. “Not everyone has. But I still find it curious that so many have.”
Whatever. Suicide always wins the show in group therapy. They spoke at length about motivation and isolation. And the woman that had been cheated on began to cry when she said that she was so alone and that no one else would want her.
“Maybe your husband will want you back.” The Cheerleader said, and then she blushed when everyone stared at her. “That always happens, right? Well guys have second thoughts and they get it out of their system...” The woman looked hopeful.
Magnus gave a disgusted sigh and Harold’s eyes swung to her.
“Yes Magnus?”
She rolled her eyes. “Why should she want him back? So that he can cheat on her again? If I was her, I’d take him back and then dump him!” Most everyone agreed with that.
“Well…” The black man spoke. “That’s easy to sit here and say that. Yeah, she should cut off his-”
Harold cleared his throat.
“He’s not going to really feel sorry if she dies.” The man continued. “Hell, it might even push him and the other woman closer together. And if he felt guilty about it he might end up hating her for it.”
“So you think the suicide attempt is to get attention?” Harold said.
“Yes.” Was his simple response.
“Anyone else?” Harold asked. Everyone raised their hand except Troy and the woman.
“Troy, you don’t think she did it for attention?”
“I—don’t know…maybe. Maybe she just wanted to make it stop.”
The woman’s eyes got bright and she nodded. “Garry thinks I’m weak. What I did, just makes me look pathetic in his eyes. I didn’t want attention. I wanted to…stop hurting.”
“But you can’t make it stop by doing that.” The black man said vehemently and she shrugged. “So…how’d you do it?” He asked.
“Pills. I didn’t take enough to kill myself though.”
“Was that a cry for help?” The cheerleader asked. “Is that why you didn’t take enough?”
“No. I ran out.”
“Troy,” Harold said. “Why did you understand her feelings?”
“I don’t know if I did that. I just think that it’s human nature to want to live even if you think you want to die.” It was quiet for a moment and then Jace spoke for the first time.
“I don’t agree with that. Sometimes….it’s hard to even think of a reason to live.”
Troy nodded. “I’ve been there, brother.”
Everyone agreed.
Magnus flipped back her dark hair. “I don’t think it makes you pathetic. What’s pathetic is…the things that make you want to do it in the first place.”
Troy sighed. “Suicide is stupid.” He looked at her. “And it does make you pathetic. No one thinks you’re…tragic, except you.” Magnus turned redder by the second. “Jace certainly doesn’t and that lady doesn’t either. He sat up in his seat. “Hell, I’m trying to live.” He rubbed his face sorry that he had even spoken.
“Anyone agree with Troy?” Everyone but Magnus raised their hands.
Magnus’ voice was soft when she spoke. “Sounds like you have a reason to want to live. You have a baby on the way and I suppose a girl friend is attached to that. But if you didn’t have that…”
