Solution 2: Listen for Evidence of “False Humility”
Because Perfect Melancholies have low self-images, they tend to seek praise in a subtle way that even they don’t recognize in themselves. They say things such as: “I never do anything right; my hair is always a mess; I never know what to wear.” In saying words such as these, they feel they are being humble, but in actuality each utterance is like waving a red flag saying, “I’m insecure.” What Perfect Melancholies are actually doing is asking for a lift in their images and forcing us to give a compliment, which they may then reject.
REMEMBER
Perfect Melancholies have the greatest potential
for success. Don’t be your own worst enemy.
PROBLEM: Perfect Melancholies Procrastinate
Solution 1: Get the “Right Things” Before Starting
Because Perfect Melancholies are perfectionists, they often refrain from starting certain projects because they are afraid they won’t do them right. While Peaceful Phlegmatics procrastinate in hopes they won’t have to do it, Perfect Melancholies hold back because they have to do it perfectly.
When we lived in Connecticut, Fred decided to put in a Perfect Melancholy music system. As a start, he cut a big hole in a living room wall and set a speaker into it. The turntable was hidden in a closet, but the speaker became the focal point of the room and ruined the decor. I tried to get him to put something—anything—over this black hole, but he had to wait until he found the “right thing.” I found a picture I could hang over it, but the gouged plaster showed on the sides—plus Fred wouldn’t let me leave it up since it distorted the sound. Every solution I suggested wasn’t “right.” I put the piano in front of the hole and piled hymn books on top, but that didn’t work. I tried huge bouquets of flowers, but they only drew attention to the black circle behind them. Christmas was the best time of the year because a large, full tree covered the hole, and people were impressed with music coming out through the tinsel. Two years later, when Fred admitted he might never find the right thing, I had a carpenter come in and build a cabinet over the hole. I discussed this with Fred several months before he could say, “I think that’s the right thing.” Perfect Melancholies, don’t tease the rest of us with your brilliant projects until you’ve got the “right things” to carry them through quickly.
Solution 2: Don’t Spend So Much Time Planning
One lady told me her husband did get all the right things before pouring a new patio. Bags of cement sat on the lawn killing the grass, and an old wheelbarrow reclined by the front door for months. Every time she complained he said he couldn’t do the patio until he had a master plan for the whole yard. He is still designing the landscaping, and she has put geraniums in the wheelbarrow.
Arlene asked her husband for some simple bookshelves. He spent three months making sketches. Jackie’s husband built a stand to hold his son’s aquarium. She brought me four pages of actual blueprints he had made before he could begin construction.
If I ask Fred to hang a picture, he has to analyze the wall. Invariably, it’s crooked and this revelation is depressing. He has to measure the height and width of the wall and the dimensions of the picture. He needs the right kind of nails and a small hammer, which is usually missing. I’ve learned that if I want a picture hung quickly, I grab the first nail I can find, and an old shoe, and whack the nail in where I think the picture should go. If it doesn’t look right where I have the picture hung, I pull the nail out and move it over a few inches. After a few quick drives, I get it in the right spot. When we moved the last time, Fred took the pictures down and was distraught that behind every scene was a series of holes that he had to plaster before we could sell the house.
REMEMBER
If Perfect Melancholies didn’t spend so much time
in planning, they wouldn’t force the rest of us
incompetents to go ahead without preparation
and so botch up intricate work!
PROBLEM: Perfect Melancholies Put Unrealistic Demands on Others
Solution 1: Relax Your Standards
Because Perfect Melancholies have high standards they do everything to perfection, but when they impose their standards on others, this trait becomes a weakness.
One Popular Sanguine girl stated at a seminar, “I have never done one thing since we got married that my Perfect Melancholy husband didn’t correct. When I die I’ll have to come back and do it over again, because I’ll never get it right the first time.”
When I held a seminar in Palm Springs, a very elegant Perfect Melancholy lady came up to talk with me. “I’ve never heard of the temperaments before, and I’m wondering if this could explain what’s wrong with my peculiar child.”
She then told about the “normal” standards in her home. She, her husband, and one son were Perfect Melancholies, and they kept everything just right. She placed the magazines on the coffee table in a perfect row, with each one down far enough to expose the name of the one under it. The magazines were exactly two inches from the edge of the table, and they were always the current issues. No one could read a magazine until the next issue came, so they would always look fresh and crisp. One day her “peculiar son” (who was ten) walked into the living room, pushed all the magazines onto the floor, grabbed one, ripped the cover off, crumpled it up, and threw it at her feet. She had been so distraught at this abnormal behavior that she had made an appointment for her son with a child psychiatrist.
As we discussed the problem, I shared with her that while the Perfect Melancholy felt having everything “just so” was normal, this kind of constant pressure was enough to drive a Popular Sanguine child wild. The boy couldn’t take this dollhouse existence any longer. Knowing the temperaments is such a help in dealing with others. The lady had high standards that were great for her and the other two Perfect Melancholies, but put upon a Popular Sanguine they were impossible. As she understood this she said, “I thought he was a mental case.”
“He will be if you keep this up,” I replied.
Solution 2: Be Grateful You Understand Your Temperament
The study of the temperaments is of great value to Perfect Melancholies. As they can begin to understand why others behave and react differently, they can start to work on their relationships with family and friends in a positive way.
Many Perfect Melancholies feel there is something wrong with them because they are not lighthearted and jovial as others seem to be. People tell them to cheer up and loosen up, and they withdraw instead. So many Perfect Melancholies have told me what a burden was lifted from their minds when they realized they were not mentally ill, but one of four basic temperaments.
Linda Schreiber wrote from Laguna: It will be difficult to put into words how valuable the section on the temperaments was to me. I find it hard to believe that this is as old as Hippocrates, and yet this is the first time I’ve ever been exposed to it. I am a true Perfect Melancholy and knowing about the temperaments solved so many problems in my own mind. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been really hurt by friends. Now I can easily see that most of my friends are Popular Sanguines. They don’t mean to hurt me, but I’m just too sensitive for their ways. The thing that throws me is that it is so simple now that I can see the total picture. I don’t think that I have any friends or even relatives, that are Perfect Melancholies. My feelings were always so strong compared to everyone else that I was beginning to think I had severe emotional problems! It was just like a weight being lifted to learn that I’m not so different but just one of four basic temperaments!
REMEMBER
Not everything in life can be perfect, so relax.
However! The Word of God reminds us:
Strive for perfection; listen to my appeals; agree with one another; live in peace . . .
2 Corinthians 13:11 GNB
CHAPTER 10
Let’s Tone Down Powerful Choleric
As Popular Sanguines see their weaknesses as trivial, and Perfect Melancholies se
e them as real and hopeless, Powerful Cholerics refuse to believe there is anything about them that could be offensive. Because of their basic premise that they are always right, they naturally can’t see that they could possibly be wrong.
Right from the time they are little children, Powerful Cholerics must win in every situation, and they will find a way not to lose face.
Powerful Choleric Bryan, five years old, appeared ready to go to a birthday party wearing old Reeboks. His mother instructed him to go back to his room and put on his dress-up shoes.
“I hate those shoes,” he said clearly. His Powerful Choleric mother replied, “I don’t care whether you like them or not. Just put them on.”
“I won’t wear the brown shoes,” Bryan stated.
“Then you won’t go to the party!”
Bryan was faced with a problem. He wanted to go, but he didn’t want to wear the brown shoes. His Powerful Choleric nature wouldn’t allow him to give in and yet his mother was driving the car, and he knew from experience that she meant what she said.
He stood momentarily baffled and then came up with a Powerful Choleric solution that allowed him to save face. “I’ll put the brown shoes on, but when I come home from the party, I will throw them in the trash and I will never wear them again!”
Byran felt he had the victory!
Mr. No-Fault
During the break at a marriage seminar one evening, a Powerful Choleric man came charging up the aisle, waving his temperament papers in the air.
“I have all of these strengths and none of the weaknesses,” he shouted. Behind him was a little Peaceful Phlegmatic wife, shaking her head no but not daring to utter a word.
“Furthermore,” he said, “these things aren’t even weaknesses.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, look at this word impatience. I would never get impatient if everybody would do what I told them to when I told them to do it!” He pounded the lectern for Powerful Choleric emphasis, and in words only a Powerful Choleric can say with a straight face, he concluded, “Impatience is not a weakness in me; it is a fault in others.”
Right there is the heart of the Powerful Choleric problem, and the reason they don’t try to improve. They are always able to rationalize why the weakness is not theirs but is a fault in others. If Powerful Choleric can ever be convinced of his abrasive nature, he will be the quickest of all to improve, because he is goal oriented and must prove to himself that he can conquer anything if he sets his mind to it.
PROBLEM: Powerful Cholerics Are Compulsive Workers
Solution 1: Learn to Relax
Powerful Choleric is a great worker and can accomplish more than any other temperament, but on the negative side, he just can’t relax. He goes full steam ahead so long that he can’t quite throw the switch and turn himself off. Since Fred and I are both partially Powerful Choleric, you can imagine the activity we generate. If we sit down, we feel guilty. Life was made for constant achievements and production.
Every house was made to be changed.
Every meal could be better.
Every drawer could be neater.
Every job could be done faster.
The Powerful Choleric in us makes us go, go, go. Don’t ever sit down if there’s something you can stand up and do!
I once was telling a Peaceful Phlegmatic friend how I have to force myself to rest, and the only way I can take a nap is if I consider sleeping as a step to the goal of good health.
“All the time I’m resting,” I explained, “I’m planning what I’m going to do as soon as I get up.”
“That’s funny,” she said. “All the time you’re down, you’re wishing you were up. With me it’s just the opposite. All the time I’m up, I’m wishing I were lying down.”
We both laughed as we realized the extreme differences in the Powerful Choleric who loves to work and the Peaceful Phlegmatic who loves to rest.
Last year Fred and I decided we badly needed a rest. My brother Ron suggested an island in the Bahamas that is so remote we would be forced to relax. We flew off to this paradise where we planned to do nothing but rest.
We missed breakfast the first day. (By the time we got down the staff had left!) After breakfast on the second day, we went out to investigate the long, slim island. We were right in the center, and we found there were only two things to do: walk to the right or walk to the left. By lunchtime we’d done both.
After lunch Fred and I went to our room and sat on the edge of the twin beds. Fred took out a clipboard and legal pad and said, “I think it’s about time we got this vacation organized. We’d better go to breakfast early before the staff quits. We’ll take our time and get into our bathing suits at 9:30 A.M. We’ll then walk to the left. Since we have to get a tan we’ll lie on the beach until 11:00 A.M., when we’ll come back to the room to dress for lunch.”
I nodded along as Fred wrote down our schedule accounting for every minute, up to a 3:00 P.M. walk to the right.
At this point I realized what we were doing. The Powerful Cholerics in need of a rest were planning out each day, so that we wouldn’t waste our vacation. Even though we knew why we had chosen a quiet place, it was so contrary to our natures to relax that we were planning how to make the most of our time!
Powerful Cholerics must realize they are heart-attack candidates, and they must learn to relax. I force myself to rest, and I discipline myself to go to bed at a decent hour when I’m traveling. Although parties may go on, I say good night and retire.
Powerful Choleric will never be lazy, but he must realize he doesn’t have to work all the time.
Solution 2: Read When I Relax I Feel Guilty
It is hard for Powerful Cholerics to take it easy. Tim Hansel has written a book custom-tailored for Powerful Cholerics, When I Relax I Feel Guilty (David C. Cook). He says, “Leisure has always been difficult for me to incorporate into my life. I have rarely been accused of working too little. My problem has been just the opposite. I figured if it were good to work ten hours it would be even better to work fourteen.”
Then he challenges other workaholics. “Is it possible that your days are hurrying by so fast that you don’t fully taste them anymore? Are play and rest foreign words in your living vocabulary? When was the last time you flew a kite, went for a bike ride, or made something with your hands? When was the last time you caught yourself enjoying life so deeply that you couldn’t quite get the smile off your face? Chances are, it’s been too long.”
Tim spoke to Fred and me. He showed us we didn’t have to organize our vacations or push our children. We could relax and not feel guilty. As Fred and I have laid this weakness out in the open, we have begun to have fun together. I’ve stopped pushing him to do yard work each weekend, and I no longer feel it’s a sin if my house isn’t in museum condition at all times.
Powerful Cholerics have to learn to relax. Try it—you might like it!
Solution 3: Take the Pressure off Others
Powerful Choleric’s amazing capacity for work is at once an asset and a liability. From a business point of view, the love for progress and achievement makes Powerful Choleric the king of the road. Whether male or female, Powerful Choleric is raring to go and running for the goal. Powerful Choleric can accomplish more in a shorter time than any other temperament. The average Popular Sanguine needs some of the Powerful Choleric drive to get anything done, and Perfect Melancholy needs the Powerful Choleric compulsion to get him from the analysis to the actual work. Peaceful Phlegmatic, who would rather watch than work, has to push himself to set goals that are inherent in Powerful Choleric. This drive for achievement comes prepackaged in Powerful Choleric and other temperaments wilt before his hot pursuit of the prize.
Powerful Choleric’s single-mindedness of purpose, allowing nothing to stand in his way, is what makes him accomplish far more than other temperaments, but this drive can be wearing on others.
Dorothy Shula says of husband, Don, coach of the Miami Dolphins,
“I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.”
I would rather work than do anything else. Recently on a trip to Phoenix, Marita and I had a blowout on her car and had to bump along to a gas station. I had been working on the outlines and notes for my Speakers’ Training Seminar all the way over and was deep in my work. When we got to the garage, I got out of the car with all the folders in my arms and laid them out in numerical order on the hood of the car while the back was being jacked up. All of a sudden, I saw what I was doing. I was so involved in my organization that I couldn’t stop working, and here I was in a strange garage spreading manila folders all over the car while mechanics worked around me. I couldn’t take a rest; I had a compulsion to work.
Powerful Cholerics have to realize that even though we have work, our compulsion for accomplishment puts a terrible pressure on those around us. They are made to feel that if they aren’t driving every minute, they’re second-class citizens. Dorothy Shula must feel something less than a Dolphin. I put pressure on those around me. Powerful Cholerics must work at not becoming workaholics so people can enjoy being with them and not have to run away to keep from having a nervous breakdown.
Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself Page 11
