In order to keep out of trouble (and yet not give up your personality), you must get Powerful Choleric to discuss what family responsibilities he wishes, and what ones you are to control. Fred and I disagreed on such a simple thing as where to hang the kitchen tools. I felt I was in charge of the kitchen, and I wanted them where they looked pretty. Fred wanted them where they were practical. As we discussed this minor problem, I realized that he makes breakfast for me every morning, and if I didn’t let him put the spatula where he could reach it, he might quit turning eggs.
Now that I travel so much, we have had to change some of the areas of responsibility that we had formerly arranged. Fred now does all the marketing and keeps the cabinets and refrigerator stocked, so when I come home there will be food available. Powerful Cholerics usually want the most practical plan, and they are not afraid of work, but if the duties are not clear there will be a conflict.
Realize They Are Not Compassionate
Since Powerful Choleric deals in reality and practicality, he is not apt to have compassion for the sick or weak, love for the unlovely, or time for hospital visitations. Powerful Cholerics tend to look the other way when there are emotional needs to be filled. They aren’t mean or cruel; they just don’t have a heart for those hurting. While Powerful Choleric should aim to improve his feelings for people, you will deal better with him if you don’t expect miracles.
One Powerful Choleric pastor told me he makes it clear to his people that if they get sick he will make one hospital visit. “After that you are on your own.”
Know They Are Always Right
Right from early childhood Powerful Cholerics know they are right. Our Powerful Choleric grandchild Bryan was playing a game with Fred. Bryan was about three at the time and was not playing by the rules. Fred, being Perfect Melancholy, thought that even little children should play by the rules, and he pointed out “Bryan you are wrong.”
Bryan countered instantly, “I am not wrong. I am wight.” Amazingly enough the Powerful Choleric individual is the most apt to make correct judgments instinctively. So if you are unsure of which way to turn, follow the powerful personality.
Be grateful you have a leader who’s “always right”!
The Peaceful Phlegmatic Personality
Realize They Need Direct Motivation
It is extremely difficult for the Powerful Choleric parent to understand a Peaceful Phlegmatic child. Because Powerful Choleric is so motivated and sees everything in the steps to a goal, he cannot comprehend that a child can have a low-level motivation, and yet not be stupid. He equates intelligence with thinking like he does, and may dampen the spirits of a Peaceful Phlegmatic, turning him into a loser.
A famous surgeon told me about his “withdrawn, lazy son with no personality.” As we discussed the problem, I could see how this man’s overbearing, conceited nature would cause any child to withdraw and appear lazy. He said, “I try to motivate the boy. Every time I see him sitting down, I say, ‘Get up, you bum, and get to work.’”
You can imagine how much this command inspires the son!
Peaceful Phlegmatics are the most enjoyable, easygoing people there are, but they need positive motivation. They need parents or mates who encourage them and help them set goals. When we understand the Peaceful Phlegmatic temperament, we know they need direct motivation, and whether it’s with a child, a mate, or a coworker, we can uplift, encourage, and lead, instead of looking down, judging, and wiping out their incentive.
Help Them Set Goals and Make Rewards
When I was in grammar school, our teachers gave us gold stars when we did our work well. I loved to see those stars up there, and I worked hard to receive a row of these rewards.
As we grow up we still like some type of reinforcement, and Peaceful Phlegmatic positively needs help in setting goals and rewards to make the effort worthwhile. The Peaceful Phlegmatic child will work far better if he has a chart of duties to check off. The Peaceful Phlegmatic wife will be a better housekeeper if the family notices what she’s done, and the Peaceful Phlegmatic husband may clean the garage if he’s promised apple pie for dessert.
Peaceful Phlegmatics are able to set goals, but their nature keeps them from wanting to—if they can avoid thinking that far ahead. As you learn to live with Peaceful Phlegmatics, you will realize how much they will accomplish if you have first taken the time to help them set goals and have explained the value of attainment.
A light at the end of the tunnel makes the long, dark crawl worthwhile.
Don’t Expect Enthusiasm
Popular Sanguines and Powerful Cholerics want others to respond with enthusiasm to whatever they mention, and when Peaceful Phlegmatics don’t appear interested, the others get hurt or upset. Once we all understand that the Peaceful Phlegmatic nature is not excitable, we can more easily accept the fact that those with that temperament don’t jump for joy over new ideas.
One of the greatest assets in learning about temperaments is the pressure it removes from our expectations of others. Peaceful Phlegmatic Joe started one morning by saying, “Oh, I can tell this is going to be another rotten day.” Powerful Choleric Carolyn answered, “I think you should count on it then. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.”
Realize That Putting Things Off Is Their Form of Quiet Control
Since Peaceful Phlegmatics usually feel overwhelmed by their Powerful Choleric mates, they use procrastination as their tool of defense.
Paul confessed to me that he was a procrastinator. “I wait until the last minute and then rush it through.” His Powerful Choleric wife Jean quickly countered, “You’re right about waiting until the last minute, but you’ve never rushed through anything in your life!” Right there before my eyes they discussed heatedly the basement full of lumber waiting to be made into walls, the pool cover that had never been taken out of the shipping carton, and the shrubs that had died in the garage without ever seeing the light of day. As Jean was approaching the rage level, Paul calmly taunted, “Don’t nag or you’ll never get any of it done.”
Force Them to Make Decisions
Peaceful Phlegmatics are capable of making decisions, but they often take the path of least resistance by letting others choose what to do and where to do it. Since they tend to avoid anything that would lead to controversy, they prefer not to rock the boat. In a social relationship, this middle-of-the-road approach is inoffensive—in fact it’s often welcome. In a living situation, however, it is important that Peaceful Phlegmatic make at least some of the decisions.
In dealing with little children, don’t accept a steady diet of “I don’t care,” but force them into looking at both sides of an issue, and then making a decision, even if they don’t care. Explain how important it will be later in life for them to be able to evaluate clearly and make decisions.
In a husband-wife situation, Peaceful Phlegmatic must be forced to at least enter into family discussions and help solve issues. If you are a strongly opinionated person, you must give Peaceful Phlegmatic areas to control and keep your hands off. Often the reason Peaceful Phlegmatics won’t decide is that they know the other person will do it his way anyway. To foster decisiveness, you must give the other person the reins and then live with the consequences. To do this is very difficult for Powerful Choleric, because he can see what’s going wrong instantly and will want to jump in and correct the situation. After he salvages the remains a few times, the mate will give up and withdraw from any family leadership.
Don’t Heap All the Blame on Them
Because Peaceful Phlegmatics are so quiet and accept the status quo, they are easy targets for those bolder temperaments who want to dump their guilt on someone else. I’ve often observed situations where Powerful Choleric made a hasty decision, the results were disastrous, and he heaped the blame on the available Peaceful Phlegmatic. Check yourself in this area, and see if you make the fault fall on others.
One Peaceful Phlegmatic lady told me her husband made her choose which type of dog
the family should have, and then every time the dog made a mistake the blame was placed on her.
Even though Peaceful Phlegmatics may accept what’s put upon them, this tactic lowers their self-esteem, causes them to withdraw from relationships with you, and leads them away from any future responsibilities.
If you use the Peaceful Phlegmatic for a wastebasket today, you may have a basket case on your hands tomorrow.
Encourage Them to Accept Responsibilities
Popular Sanguines have to stay away from accepting too many presidencies because they overextend themselves, and Powerful Cholerics have to keep from running everything they get their hands on. Peaceful Phlegmatics, however, avoid being in charge of anything, even though they have administrative ability and get along well with everyone. Because of their gifts of conciliatory leadership, they should be encouraged to accept responsibilities. They make excellent executives, and yet they tend to turn down promotions because they have been made to feel inadequate by others. They don’t want to be left “holding the bag.”
Don’t accept their first no, but continue to show them the confidence you have in their abilities to lead. What better chairman, president, or king could you have than one who is easy to get along with—one who doesn’t make hasty decisions, and one who can effectively mediate personality problems?
Appreciate their even dispositions.
Want to get along with others? Nothing succeeds like kindness.
Kind words are like honey—enjoyable and healthful.
Proverbs 16:24 TLB
PART FIVE
Personality Power:
A Source of Strength to Achieve Our Potential
CHAPTER 17
Personality Plus Power Produces Positive People!
In the opening of this book, we asked why many self-improvement courses don’t seem to work; why the changes don’t last. The first answer to this problem is that most programs do not take into account the differences in temperaments. They tend to be taught by Powerful Cholerics for Powerful Cholerics. Now that we understand the temperaments, we know how Powerful Cholerics love to lead, and we know how quickly they grasp new purposes and plans and charge forth to show themselves they can make the goal. They are instantly motivated to action as long as they can see some benefits for themselves.
The Powerful Choleric/Perfect Melancholy combination will have the ability to aim for the goal and to chart out specific steps of achievement, but what happens to the other temperaments when presented with the initial material?
Popular Sanguine gets enthused over the possibility of getting his life pulled together. He sees visions of grandeur and sincerely wants to improve, but he never seems to find the time to get started, and when he does, he’s lost the materials.
Perfect Melancholy who leans in the Peaceful Phlegmatic direction will take notes and analyze all that’s offered. He may study the concepts and evaluate the merits. He may pull out some practical part of the program, but to face a major overhaul will be depressing.
Peaceful Phlegmatic, if he sees a few easy steps that might be useful, may head in a positive direction, but chances are the whole scope of the seminar will be overwhelming and just “too much like work.”
Freed from Guilt
As I have been teaching the temperaments over the years, I have seen so many people freed from guilt when they realized why they didn’t react in the so-called normal way to motivational material. Popular Sanguine needs to get organized but not feel guilty that he can’t file all of life away in manila folders. Perfect Melancholy needs to loosen up and be more personable but not feel guilty when he doesn’t turn into Bob Hope overnight. Peaceful Phlegmatic should increase his motivation and get moving but not feel guilty when he doesn’t have dynamic surges of desire. Powerful Choleric will accept what’s profitable and throw away the rest with no guilt, but he should realize the temperament differences and not scoff at those who don’t act out his role and follow his lead.
The second reason we don’t achieve lasting results from even inspired instruction is that we don’t have the power within us to conduct supernatural transformations. We need spiritual energy, and yet most of us don’t know where to find it. We may mumble mantras, put statues on our dashboards, donate dollars to the disabled, sew for the heathen, and take trips to the Himalayas, but somehow we don’t feel much different inside.
Find Spiritual Energy
My husband and I, after losing two brain-damaged sons, were searching. We were achieving on the surface but we were hurting underneath. We began looking for answers to life. Fred went to the library and took out books on religion, and we tried to find a desirable denomination. Little did we know at the time that religion and denominations don’t change lives. Gratefully, each one of us, within a year, at different times and in different places, was presented with the claims of Christ as a catalyst to change. “But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name” (John 1:12).
We needed power; we believed in the Lord Jesus; we received Him into our hearts. Romans 12:1 and 2 gave us direction: . . . present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove [know] what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Present Your Bodies
Total being, time, mind, soul, temperament, strengths, and weaknesses. Say, “Here it is Lord; it’s all Yours. Do with me what You will.”
Be Not Conformed to This World
Don’t let my eyes focus only on earthly pleasures. Let me realize how transitory possessions and prestige really are.
Be Ye Transformed by the Renewing of Your Mind
Here is the hope. It is possible for the Spirit of the Lord in my life to make me over, to brighten and refresh my mind. Then (a connector word)—then, after I have presented my whole life to the Lord; moved my aim from the flesh to the Spirit; allowed the Lord to renew my tired mind—then ye may know. . . . What a strong word know. There’s not much in life we can be sure of. Guess or hope, but know? Yes, “Then you will know what is that good, acceptable, perfect will of God.”
“You mean I can know what God wants for my life?”
Yes, you can know God’s perfect will. Fred and I began to study the Bible and the personalities at the same time, and we were amazed at how well they fit together. As we began to study our own personality patterns, instead of trying to shape each other up (as we had tried to do for fifteen years), we found Scripture to encourage us. Nowhere did the Bible say I was responsible for Fred’s behavior, or he was the judge of my actions. Instead we found instructions to examine ourselves, not others.
We began to search our hearts and analyze ourselves, using the tool of the temperaments. As we brought couples into our home and shared what little we knew, we saw changes in ourselves and others.
Our Uniqueness
We learned God did not make us all alike. Each one of us is unique. Paul tells us that we should examine ourselves and find out what gifts God has given us and what weaknesses He wishes us to overcome with our willingness and His power. Paul compares us to a body where Christ is the head and we are the parts:
Under his control all the different parts of the body fit together, and the whole body is held together by every joint with which it is provided. So when each separate part works as it should, the whole body grows and builds itself up through love. (Eph. 4:16 GNB)
God made each one of us different, so we could function in our own role. He made some of us to be feet—to move, to administer, to accomplish, like Powerful Choleric. He made some of us to be minds—to think deeply, to feel, to write, like Perfect Melancholy. He made some of us to be hands—to serve, to smooth, to soothe, like Peaceful Phlegmatic. He made some of us to be mouths—to talk, to teach, to encourage, like Popular Sanguine.
Now hath God set the members, ev
ery one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. (1 Cor. 12:18)
God could have made us all Popular Sanguines. We would have lots of fun but accomplish little.
He could have made us all Perfect Melancholies. We would have been organized and charted but not very cheerful.
He could have made us all Powerful Cholerics. We would have been all set to lead, but impatient that no one would follow.
He could have made us all Peaceful Phlegmatics. We would have had a peaceful world but not much enthusiasm for life.
We need each temperament for the total function of the body. Each part should do its work to unify the action and produce harmonious results.
Parts Are Not Enough
What if we have all these parts available—all doing their own thing—but Christ is not in control? What if Popular Sanguines are talking, Perfect Melancholies are thinking, Powerful Cholerics are doing, and Peaceful Phlegmatics are mediating, but they are operating without any spiritual depth? There will be no unity of purpose. There will be no coordination of results. For the parts to function as they should, we need Christ in our lives.
I learned this principle personally through the experience with my two brain-damaged sons. Each one was beautiful to look at. They had bright-blue eyes, blond hair, turned-up noses, dimpled chins. They had normal arms and legs that moved, but they did not have normal brains. They had all their parts, but there was no master control. They had eyes but they could not see; ears but they could not hear; hands but they could not hold; feet but they could not walk. They looked all right on the outside, but without a brain, nothing worked.
Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself Page 18
