by Marie Sexton
“I love your logic.”
“I thought you would.” I could tell he was smiling even though I couldn’t see his face.
“So the Chief’s wrong? You don’t have to make a choice?”
He turned toward me, nudged me onto my side so that he was tight against my back, and wrapped himself around me like a blanket.
“I’ve already made it, Jared. He thinks I have to choose just one, either you or my career, but I don’t. I choose both.” He kissed the back of my neck. “I’m not giving you up for anything. But I’m not quitting my job either.”
“Is that really possible?”
“Trust me.”
Chapter 23
AFTER THAT, Matt made no effort to hide our relationship. He still had his apartment, but more and more of his things found their way to my house, and he spent every night in my bed. I certainly had no complaints about that, but for reasons I couldn’t adequately explain, I was suddenly the one who wanted to avoid being seen together in public. When we weren’t lovers and I knew people might think we were, it hadn’t mattered. But now that it was true, I was suddenly embarrassed. I was sure everybody was staring or whispering about us. I knew it was childish and completely illogical, but I couldn’t stop worrying about it. And it wasn’t hard to convince him to stay home with me those first few days.
The biggest point of contention, however, quickly became his coworkers.
“Jared, I just need you to meet them,” Matt said on more than one occasion.
“Why would I want to meet them? I know what they think of me.”
“I know it’ll be awkward at first, but it’ll help in the long run.”
“No.” I couldn’t believe he expected me to subject myself to their derision.
That exchange began to take on the repetition of a broken record.
Of course we went to Lizzy and Brian’s for Thanksgiving dinner. The minute Matt walked in the door, Lizzy flew at him and threw her arms around him with a squeal.
“Oh, Matt, it’s so good to see you!”
“You too, Lizzy.”
“I told Jared you’d pull your head out of your ass eventually!”
He turned bright red but said, “Right, as usual.”
She beamed at him.
Brian brought James in and started to hand him to Matt. Matt’s reaction was the same as mine had been.
“I can’t hold him. What if I drop him?”
“You won’t.”
James looked tiny in Matt’s big hands. Matt sat on the couch, holding him for a while. He unwrapped him and checked all of his fingers and toes. He brushed his fingers over James’s cheek and smiled when James turned his head toward them, his tiny lips making suckling sounds.
“He’s so tiny.”
“Yep.” Lizzy rubbed her hand on the top of Matt’s head. “Are you going to help Jared watch him on our date night?”
“You bet.”
“Then I hereby name you an honorary uncle. Uncle Matt.”
He gave her his dazzling smile. “I like the sound of that.”
THE DAY of my meeting with the high school committee arrived. I made an effort to look a little more respectable than usual. I spent a ridiculously long time trying to get all of my curls back into a ponytail and wore the one pair of slacks I owned with a button-down shirt and tie.
“Wow,” Matt said when I came out of the bedroom. “You’re really pulling out all the stops. Are you nervous?”
“Very.”
“It’ll be fine. I’ll have a beer open for you when you get back.”
I felt like I was going off to war, and I was armed for battle. I’d thought it over and decided I was going to fight them. I took a copy of my teacher’s certificate with me, and the supportive letters I’d received from some of the parents. If they wanted me to tutor their kids, why did the school have to get involved at all?
Walking into the high school was strange. I hadn’t been there since I was a student fifteen years earlier, but it seemed like nothing had changed. The mural on the wall was the same; the strange speckled linoleum was the same. Even the weird smell was the same. I felt sure I could walk up to my old locker and open it up and my books would still be sitting there waiting for me. It brought back all those feelings from my high school years of trying to hide who I was. It didn’t help my confidence any.
The “committee” consisted of four people. Mr. Stevens, the band director, was one of them. Alice Rochester started to make introductions. It seemed we were already all on a first-name basis.
“This is Ann, our math teacher.” Alice indicated a small blonde woman, younger than me, who probably had every one of her male students wrapped around her finger. “And Roger, our science teacher.” About my age, but short and pudgy. “And I think you know Bill, our band instructor.” Of course he was wearing a bow tie. I shook hands all around and then sat in the chair they had left for me.
“Jared,” Alice began, “we’ve been hearing a lot about you lately. Several of our students have been talking, and we’ve had a few calls from parents too.”
“Look, if this is about the tutoring, I have notes from the parents, and I have my teaching certificate—”
“You brought it with you? Oh good! I meant to ask. So, I take it you know why you’re here?”
“I assume it’s because somebody thinks I can’t tutor a few kids without acting like a damn pedophile and groping a few of them, but I assure you—”
Suddenly there was a lot of fidgeting and throat-clearing and paper-rustling. Everybody stared up at the ceiling, flustered and uncomfortable.
Everybody except Mr. Stevens.
“Jared,” he said kindly, “I’m afraid you have greatly misconstrued the purpose of this meeting.”
“I have?”
“Would I be here if the agenda was simply to persecute you for your sexual orientation?”
“Um….” I felt like an idiot. I looked around at everybody. Alice and Roger were still fidgeting and looking somewhere over my head, but Ann smiled at me. “Jesus. I’m sorry.” Why couldn’t I ever keep my mouth shut? I could have just waited to see what they had to say. Instead, I started raving at them? I took a couple of deep breaths, and when I looked around again, I was relieved that they had started looking at me again. “Boy, this is embarrassing. Listen, how about I just shut up, and we can start over?”
Alice gave me her toothpaste-commercial smile again. “Jared, I had no idea you were expecting to be attacked when you came in here, although it does clarify parts of our conversation the other day.” Just when I thought I couldn’t be more embarrassed. “I should have been clearer. The reason we asked you to come here today is because we’d like to offer you a position at the school.”
And if she had told me that she was going to strip naked and do the hula on top of the building, I wouldn’t have been more surprised. “You mean, like a job?”
“Yes. ‘Like a job.’” Her mouth twisted into a lopsided grin, and I think she almost winked when she said that. “The truth is, Jared, most of our teachers are overloaded right now. They’re teaching more subjects than they can handle, and many of them are teaching subjects they never specialized in. The higher math and science classes especially have been, um, a little bit problematic.”
“What Alice is too nice to say,” Ann cut in, “is that Roger and I don’t know what the hell we’re doing.” Alice started to protest, but Ann cut her off. “It’s true. I never intended to be a math teacher. That’s just how things ended up. I can teach the lower-level classes fine, but the truth is, advanced algebra and calculus are over my head.” She looked over at Roger.
He nodded. “It’s true. I’m a biologist. And I can manage with chemistry. But physics is beyond me.”
“Ann and Roger have been doing their best,” Alice said, “but the fact is it’s a terrible disservice to the students.”
They all nodded, but it was Ann who spoke next. “We don’t have that many students who make it to calculu
s or who want to take physics, but there are a few. So many of them struggle, and I’ve never been able to help them much.” I remembered Ringo saying his teacher didn’t know anything. I hadn’t realized he was right. “But all of a sudden, this year, students started getting As. They started catching me making mistakes.” Her cheeks turned red, and she laughed nervously. “That’s not fun in a class of high school kids, let me tell you. And it wasn’t long before we started hearing all about you.”
“So, you want me to teach?” I knew it was a stupid question, but I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around it. I’d been so sure I was walking into a battle. I still hadn’t quite recovered.
“The position would start in January, at midterm. I’ve put together a package for you with information on benefits and pay. We can’t pay you much. You could make more teaching in Boulder or Fort Collins, but since you already have a home here in Coda, we thought maybe we could convince you.” She handed me a folder filled with papers. “Take some time to think about it and talk it over with your family. Feel free to call me with any other questions in the meantime.”
“The fact that I’m gay isn’t a problem?”
It was Mr. Stevens who answered, and I realized he’d probably been included in this meeting specifically for this reason. “It’s not a problem as far as the school is concerned. Some parents will complain. They always do. But like band, physics, advanced algebra, and calculus are all electives. So parents can decide. If their personal prejudices are more important than the furthering of their children’s education, well, frankly, it’s their problem, not ours. I’m not going to lie to you, Jared. It’s not always easy. Kids can be mean and so can their parents. But it can also be very rewarding.”
“I, uh….” I wasn’t exactly being articulate. “I’m really sorry about earlier. I had no idea. I really don’t know what to say.”
Alice smiled at me again. “Well, we hope you’ll say yes.”
Chapter 24
SOME RATIONAL part of my brain knew I should be thrilled about the job. But the rest of my brain, which seemed to be the bigger part, felt nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t really put my finger on the source of that anxiety. Partly it was the shop and knowing it’d put Brian and Lizzy in a bad spot. Part of it was the knowledge that some parents wouldn’t like it. Part of it was my own memory of the things that had been said about Mr. Stevens by some of my fellow students back when I was in school. Was there more to it than that? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that the very thought of taking the job had me breaking out in a cold sweat.
Matt was overjoyed when I told him. He actually picked me up in a bear hug that had my ribs aching.
“That’s amazing! And you thought they wanted to chew you out. Are you going to call Lizzy?”
The thought of telling Lizzy was nauseating. “Not right now.”
“Can I call her?”
I couldn’t even look at him when I answered. “No.”
His happiness gave way to confusion. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t know yet if I’m going to take the job.”
“What?”
“Which part of that sentence confused you, Matt?” I meant that as a joke, but it came out sounding snarkier than I intended.
“Fine.” And now I’d hurt him and made him angry.
“Let’s just make dinner, okay? We can talk about it later?”
I was still avoiding going out with him. He flinched a little every time I insisted on making dinner at home and his eyes got a little darker, but we never argued about it.
We did, however, argue again about his coworkers and my continued refusal to spend time with them. And that night over dinner, he dropped the Christmas bombshell on me.
“The department’s hosting a Christmas party in a couple of weeks, and I really want you to come with me.” He didn’t expect me to agree. I could tell he was already braced for a fight. And with good reason.
I kept my eyes on my plate. “No way.”
“That’s it? ‘No way’? You won’t even consider it?” I could tell he was fighting to keep his voice even. He never yelled—I think he consciously chose to not act like his father—but his voice would get low and dangerous when he was angry.
“I don’t need to consider it to know I’ll be miserable.”
“I’ll be miserable too.”
“Exactly.” I forced myself to smile, hoping he’d stop being angry and agree. “So let’s stay home together.”
“Jared, that’s not the answer. We can’t hide from everyone. We have to make them face it. Eventually it won’t seem like such a big deal to them anymore.”
“Do you really think shoving it in their faces is the solution?”
“Nobody’s shoving anything in anyone’s face. You think I’m going to fuck you on the buffet table or something?” His voice was quiet and tight, like he was carefully controlling every consonant, every syllable a struggle. He was seriously pissed at me now. “I’m not an idiot. All I’m saying is, they have to get used to seeing us together.”
“So I’m supposed to stand there, pretending to have fun, while they point and laugh?”
“Maybe, yes.”
“No. Fucking. Way.”
That was the first night we went to bed angry. I lay on my side of the bed, miserable, listening to him breathing on the other side. I knew he was still awake. I wanted so much to touch him, to bridge that gap. But there was nothing I could say that would fix it short of giving in, which I wasn’t prepared to do.
It went on for days. I knew in the back of my mind this should have been a happy time for us. And at times it was. We watched football and we made love. But most of the rest of our time seemed to be taken up by arguments over those two points of contention: my job offer and his fellow police officers. Round and round we went, and we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere.
It all came to a head one night at Lizzy’s house. She’d invited us over for dinner. We argued for an hour before we got there about whether or not I should tell Lizzy and Brian about the job. Of course, he thought I should. But I didn’t want to cause trouble until I’d made a decision.
We were snapping at each other from the minute we walked in the door. Everybody tried to pretend like they didn’t notice, but I knew they did. Dinner was quiet and awkward.
We were just finishing up when Brian said, “Jared, we need to talk about the shop.” He looked nervous when he said it. Lizzy stared intently at her plate. Matt perked up but didn’t say anything.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Now that Lizzy’s been home with the baby for a few weeks, she’s having second thoughts about coming back to work.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I know it’s been tough for you without her. You’re working long hours. And Ringo can’t help much, except on the weekends.”
“It’s not a problem—”
“Tell them,” Matt said, quietly enough that only I heard him.
I ignored him. “I can handle it.”
“No, you can’t, Jared,” Mom said gently. “You can’t do it by yourself.”
“You’ll want days off and vacations,” Lizzy interjected.
“Ringo will graduate next spring—” I started to say.
“Tell them,” Matt said a little more forcefully. Lizzy’s eyes darted to him, but nobody else seemed to notice.
“Jared,” Brian interrupted, “he’s not going to stay. You know that. He’ll be going off to college. We could hire another high school student to help out, but it still won’t solve the problem.”
“Then what do you suggest?” I asked him.
“Well, we can look at the possibility of letting Ringo go and hiring a full-time employee.”
“We can’t afford that. Especially since a full-time employee would expect benefits.”
Lizzy and Brian exchanged a weighted look. Brian took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s time to think about selling it.”
I shook my head, feeling the weight of Matt’s
stare on me. “I don’t want to do that.”
“But, Jared—”
“Tell them.” This time it was loud enough that they couldn’t ignore him.
I glared at Matt. “No.”
“Tell us what, Jared?” Lizzy asked with a challenge in her blue eyes.
“It’s nothing.” I turned to Matt. “Not now.” We’d been arguing about it for days, and the fact that he’d try to force my hand pissed me off to no end. I’d never been so angry at him.
But he looked just as mad, and I knew he wasn’t about to back down. “It’s not ‘nothing’!” He kept his gaze level on mine and said to the table at large, “Jared has been offered a full-time teaching position at the high school next semester.”
“What?” Brian said.
Mom clapped her hands. “That’s great!”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lizzy asked.
I barely heard any of them. “You incredible fucking bastard! I can’t believe you just did that.”
“Why not? I’ve been trying to get you to tell them for the last week—”
“What?” Lizzy sounded pissed now too.
“You knew I didn’t want to say anything.” My voice was getting louder.
His, on the other hand, got lower, his words clipped short as he grew angrier. “And you don’t think your job offer is relevant to this discussion?”
“You had no right.”
“I had no right? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You had no right because it’s none of your goddamn business!”
Everybody froze. I saw in his steel-gray eyes all of the doors slam shut in a way I hadn’t seen in months. His gaze turned icy, his face guarded and expressionless. He pushed away from the table and stood up as if to leave. “So that’s how it is. I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner.”
