by Marie Sexton
I still wasn’t sure it made much sense to me, but so what? We’d been together just over a month. Not long at all for a guy to go from insisting he was straight to where we were now. We had all the time in the world to make him more comfortable. And in the meantime, he preferred bottom to top? I’d have to be an idiot to object to that.
“Jared, are you okay?” he asked.
I smiled up at him and repeated his own words back to him. “I’m somewhere way beyond ‘okay.’”
“Good.” He kissed me then, and it was slow and deep and passionate, and his hands wandering down my body in a very familiar way. He was growing hard again against my leg.
I laughed. “Already? I’m not sure I’m capable.”
“Sometimes,” he whispered jokingly into my ear, “you just don’t know when to shut up.”
He rolled back on top of me, lining us up the way he liked to do, and reached down to wrap his hands around both of us. He was fully erect again, and I was getting there. He kissed me, his strokes slow and deliberate. I wrapped one arm around him, put my other hand on top of his as it moved on us, closed my eyes, and gave up to the sensation of what he was doing. Fucking him had been incredible, but this was something else entirely. Sexually, maybe it was less, but emotionally, it meant more. I knew he was telling me something. It was in the slowness of his movements, the way he gripped me tight against him, the gentleness of his tongue running over my lips, the way he whispered my name.
It amazed me that I could make him this way.
Nothing else mattered. Not his parents. Not having to spend a week apart. Not even Barbie and Ken.
Chapter 28
TWO DAYS before Christmas, Lizzy and I were working in the shop. Brian was working on selling it, but until then, it was still ours. I hadn’t seen Matt for four days. My house felt terribly empty, but knowing it was temporary made it bearable. I’d been spending a lot of time at Brian and Lizzy’s and had even done one night of babysitting with little James.
Lizzy was counting out change and talking about her favorite topic, my hair.
“Jarhead, you can’t teach like that. What will the kids think?”
“That I’m hip.”
“You are not hip. You’re scruffy. Not the same thing.”
“I thought girls liked scruffy guys.”
“Oh?” She grinned at me playfully. “Are you trying to attract girls now? Is there something you’re not telling me?” I tried to throw a pencil at her but missed by a mile.
Matt walked in at that moment. He was in uniform, but what struck me most was how haggard he looked.
“Hey, Matt, I’m trying to convince Jared to cut his hair.”
He didn’t even acknowledge her. He came straight to me. “Can we go in back for a minute?”
I was surprised but said, “Sure.”
I followed him into the back room. He sat down on the edge of Lizzy’s desk. He stared wordlessly at the floor. Sitting on the desk, he was shorter than me, and all I could see was the top of his head. I could tell by looking at him that he was wound up tight. His shoulders were tense, his hands white-knuckled on the edge of the desk. He’d asked to be alone with me, but now, he didn’t seem to know what to say.
“How’s it going with your parents?” I asked.
“Fabulous.” His voice was low and tight, full of sarcasm and anger. He didn’t look up and didn’t seem inclined to say anything else. The silence stretched on. It felt like he was getting ready to share bad news with me, and I tried to keep my pulse from racing.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just wanted to see you.”
That made me relax a little, but I knew there was something else going on. “That’s all?”
He nodded, his eyes still glued to the floor.
I moved closer, put my hand on his bicep, but he flinched away. I had the feeling he’d bolt if I made any sudden movements. “Matt, look at me.”
It took him a second, like he had to work up his nerve, but when he glanced up at me, I saw it all in his eyes. He was barely holding himself together. Coming to me hadn’t been a whim. It’d been an act of desperation. He didn’t just want to see me; at that moment, he actually needed me, although he could never have said it. He looked sad and terrified and lost. I could tell he was embarrassed for me to see him this way but desperate for me to help him somehow.
I put my arms around him, and he grabbed on to me like he was drowning and only I could save him. He buried his face in my shoulder, shaking, his breathing ragged, maybe even crying but trying hard not to. At that moment, I hated Joseph more than I ever had before. I hated that he could break Matt, who was usually so strong and confident, in only a few short days. I don’t know how long we stood like that—several minutes at least. I just held him, rubbing his back and shoulders a little, making calming sounds until his breathing was steady again, and he finally relaxed.
“I’m sorry,” he finally whispered.
“Shhh. Don’t be silly. You have nothing to apologize for.” I kissed the top of his head. “What happened?”
“Nothing, really. I’m just losing my fucking mind.” He laughed, but it was harsh and humorless. “I can’t stand it. I can’t stand him.” He took a couple of deep breaths, and then said, in something closer to his normal voice, “I miss you. I hate that we have to be apart right now.”
“Me too. Why don’t you come over tonight? They don’t have to know.”
“I’m on nights this week.”
So he was working nights and spending the days with his parents and probably barely sleeping in between. That explained a lot about his present state of mind.
He pulled back, stood up, and turned away. Even with his back to me, I could see him putting himself back together, wiping his eyes, standing straighter, squaring his shoulders, putting on that carefully controlled, guarded expression. “He’s drinking, Jared. A lot. And he never knows when to keep his mouth shut. This is the worst it’s ever been.”
Just then, Lizzy poked her head around the corner. “Can I come in?” she asked quietly. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get into the safe.”
Matt took a deep breath and then turned around. He was still tense, but he had most of his usual confidence back. To anybody else, he probably looked as calm and in control as ever. But I could still see the anger and sadness in his eyes. “Of course,” he said. “It’s your office.”
She headed for the safe but watched him out of the corner of her eye the whole time. She got what she needed out of the safe and started out but then stopped short in the doorway.
“How bad is it, Matt?”
He shrugged. “Pretty bad.”
She thought about it for a minute, and then said, “Why don’t you all come to dinner on Christmas?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that to you. Not after the way he behaved last time.”
She put a hand on his arm, looking way up into his eyes. “We’re family now. You should be with us on Christmas. And if that means we have to put up with your father, then we will.”
He glanced my way. “He doesn’t know….”
“I figured as much,” she said. “We’ll be careful.”
“Really?” He sounded hopeful.
“Really.”
He smiled and hugged her, much more gently than he ever hugged me. She looked so tiny in his arms. “Thanks, Lizzy.” She started to head back out, but he said, “Oh, Lizzy, one more thing?”
“Yes.”
“Jared can’t cut his hair. I wouldn’t have anything to hang on to. It gives me good leverage.”
I’d never seen Lizzy turn quite so red so fast. I knew I was blushing too. Matt laughed at us both. And hearing his laugh at that moment was worth all the embarrassment in the world.
I WAS in the kitchen with Mom and Lizzy when Matt and his parents arrived on Christmas day. Matt came in immediately and said quietly, “He’s drunk. Lizzy, I hope you don’t end up regretting this.”
; Before she could say anything, Lucy came in. She obviously felt awkward after the debacle of their last visit, but she thanked Lizzy for inviting them, and then Brian brought James in, and the three women were immediately talking about sleeping patterns and nursing habits. Matt, Brian, and I cleared out in a hurry.
We made it most of the way through dinner before the shit hit the proverbial fan.
“I’m surprised there’s no snow,” Lucy said. “I figured we’d have a white Christmas in Colorado.”
Brian laughed. “Snow in December usually melts in a day or two, and getting it on Christmas is rare. Our heaviest snowfall is usually February or March.”
Suddenly, Joseph looked around the table and said, “Don’t you have anything to drink ?”
Lizzy’s smile was all innocence. “What would you like? I have iced tea, Sprite, Dr Pepper, milk—”
“No! I’m talking about a drink.”
“Oh.” She looked genuinely dismayed. “I meant to get some wine to have with dinner, but I got so busy yesterday, and I forgot to go to the liquor store. And of course, they’re closed today.” She looked around guiltily and giggled a little and shrugged, and she really did come across as somebody who just couldn’t quite keep too much in her head at once. “I’m such an airhead, sometimes. Brian’s always teasing me about it.”
Of course, that wasn’t true at all. Nobody would ever accuse Lizzy of being an airhead, least of all Brian. I also knew that there was plenty of alcohol in the house.
“You mean you don’t even have any beer?”
“We finished it off on Sunday watching the game,” I told him. Also a lie.
“Well, with the way those Cowboys are playing this season, I can understand that.” Of course, the Cowboys game hadn’t even been shown that week in Colorado, but we didn’t say anything.
I was glad football had come up—such a nice, safe topic. “Can you believe the Raiders fired their head coach again already?” I asked the table in general.
I could tell Matt was wound up too tight to respond, but this was the one topic I could count on Brian for. He laughed. “Hey, as long as their general manager keeps being an idiot, the Raiders keep sucking. He’s actually my hero.”
But Joseph ignored us and moved on to his favorite subject.
“Matt, I still can’t figure out why you’re not dating anyone. When we were here last summer, we couldn’t go anywhere without some young girl giving you her number. You should be playing the field.”
“Dad, can we please not discuss this again?”
“Why not? You’re never going to find the right girl if you don’t date a few.”
“Joseph, I’m sure you heard that Matt’s girlfriend, Cherie, was killed a few weeks ago,” Lizzy said, smooth as ever, and Matt looked at her gratefully. “It was very traumatic. I know her death was hard on him.”
“Horseshit! We never even heard about the girl.” As if they talked every day. As if Matt would have shared it with his dad even if he had cared for her. “What about that looker we saw yesterday at the pizza place?”
Matt’s jaw clenched, his hands gripping each other tight on the table in front of him. “Dad. Enough.”
“What? It’s a simple question?”
“It’s a simple question. One you’ve already asked me a dozen times. The answer is the same. I’m not interested.” His voice had that low, controlled tone, which I knew meant he was furious. Joseph either didn’t notice or didn’t care. I suspected the latter.
“How can you not be interested? If not her, what about that redhead? Your mother wants grandkids, and you’re not getting any younger. Are you ever going to stop being so damn selfish and do your duty?”
“Lucy,” Mom jumped in suddenly, “didn’t you tell me last time you were here that you were planning a trip to Florida?”
“Uh….” Lucy seemed flustered, fidgeting with the scarf around her neck. I think she could sense disaster in the air but couldn’t quite figure out which way to dodge. “Yes, that’s right. We went to Orlando—”
“I want to know.” Joseph’s voice was much louder now. “I want to know how can you go around with this, this—” He was gesturing at me and obviously couldn’t think of a word bad enough. “This pansy, like it doesn’t matter! It’s no wonder none of the girls want to date you.”
“Joseph, that’s enough,” Lucy said quietly, but he didn’t listen.
“Have you thought about that? Have you thought about what people are going to say about you?”
Lizzy stood up now. “Mr. Richards, I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I want to know why my son is still hanging around with a fucking faggot. Don’t you care what people will say?”
“Joseph.” My mother stood up, and her voice was sharp enough to cut glass. “That is my son you are talking about, and—”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass!”
Mom turned around and slammed her way through the swinging door into the living room hard enough to rattle the pictures on the wall. Joseph stood, swaying a little on his feet. Matt hadn’t moved an inch. His hands were clenched in front of him, and he stared straight ahead, which put his gaze somewhere over his mother’s head. Lucy had her hands over her face. Brian had the classic deer-in-the-headlights look. Lizzy was still standing with her hands on her hips, glaring at Joseph with murder in her eyes.
Joseph wasn’t finished. “You should be ashamed to be seen with him. Don’t you know what that could do to your career? Are you so fucking stupid that you can’t figure out what people will say?”
“I know what people say, Dad.” His voice wasn’t as quiet now. He didn’t sound angry anymore at all. Just resigned.
“So you know that they’re going to assume you’re a faggot too?”
“Yes, Dad, I know that.”
“They’re going to assume you’re his boyfriend.”
“I know that too.”
“They’re going to assume that the two of you are fucking each other.”
His voice was stronger this time. “I don’t care.”
“How can you not care?”
Matt’s hands suddenly unclenched. His head came up, and his shoulders relaxed. He’d made a decision, and I wasn’t sure it was the right one.
I reached out to grab him, to tell him to stop, I even started to say, “Don’t,” but he shook me off. He sat up straight, squared his shoulder, looked right at his dad and said, “Because it’s true.”
“Oh no.” Lucy’s voice was a whisper behind her hands, and she put her head down on the table.
Nobody else moved. Nobody else spoke. The silence seemed to go on forever.
Joseph finally said, his voice low and deadly, “Are you telling me—”
“Yes.” Matt stood up now, back straight and head up. I couldn’t believe how calm and sure he looked, as if, having now set his feet on the path, he had no reason to look back. “I’m telling you that I’m gay. That apartment you saw? The day I took you there was the first time I’d been there in weeks. I live with Jared.” I would like to say that I was holding my head up, as proud as he seemed to be, but the truth is, I was doing my best to stare straight through the dining room table in case there was a hole underneath it I could climb into.
Another deathly silence, and then Joseph said, “You are not my son.”
Matt actually smiled at that, just a bit. “I don’t remember the last time I agreed with you more.” Lucy was really crying now. Nobody moved to comfort her. “Here.” Matt tossed a set of car keys onto the table. “Take your rental car and go home. I’ll be going home—to my home—with Jared.”
Joseph looked like he was about to say something, but he never got the chance.
Suddenly, Mom burst back into the room. “Matt, you need to come. There’s something going on.”
Matt, Mom, and Brian went first. Joseph and Lucy followed. Lizzy was still standing in the same position, hands on hips, staring at the empty place whe
re Joseph had been standing. I was in shock. I felt like the whole world had been turned upside down. I was waiting for somebody to jump out and yell, “Surprise, you’re on candid camera!”
Instead, Lizzy turned to me and said, “Well, that went better than I expected.”
And just like that, I was laughing. She came and pulled me out of my chair. “Come on. Let’s go see what’s going on.”
When we got into the living room, nobody was there. The front door was open, and there were people all over the front lawn. At the curb were several police cars with lights flashing. It was dark outside, and the only light came from the red and blue strobes on top of the cars. Matt stood in the center of the yard, talking to Grant, Tyson, and a third cop I didn’t know.
“What’s going on?” I asked Matt.
“We need to talk.”
“Do you have your weapon?” Grant asked him.
“No.”
“There must be a spare in one of the trunks.” Grant headed off to the cars.
Matt led me over to where Brian, Lizzy, and Mom were standing. Mom had James in her arms. “Somebody broke into my apartment earlier,” Matt explained. “They broke all the windows and trashed the place. The neighbors noticed the broken window and called the police.” He was speaking quickly and quietly. “When they got there and realized it was my place and that I wasn’t there, they went to our house.” He looked at me as he said this. “And they found the same thing there.”
“What?”
“Our neighbor heard a commotion and watched out the window and saw Dan Snyder leaving.”
“Holy shit.”
“When they didn’t find either of us at either place, they got worried and called in everybody.”
“Why didn’t they call you?”
He suddenly looked sheepish. “The battery on my phone is dead, and the charger is at home.” By which I knew he meant at my place, where he hadn’t been all week. I felt my eyebrows go up, and he gave me the pseudo-smile. “I know. I’m an idiot. I’m going to catch hell for it later. Right now, they want me to go and help with the search.” He reached out and grabbed my wrist. “Jared, stay here. Don’t go anywhere until you hear from me.” Then to the rest of them, “In fact, you should all go inside and lock the doors. If he knew to go to Jared’s house, then he might know to come here next.” Lizzy’s hand flew up to her mouth, and Mom clutched James to her like she thought Dan was going to jump out of the bushes and try to snatch him out of her arms. “We’re leaving an officer here to watch the house, just in case.”
