Maisy shook her head fervently. She didn’t want to be sent away.
“Come away from the window.” Sean ordered. “Sit on the bed.”
Maisy hesitated for a split second before complying and doing as he had asked. He knelt down on the floor in front of her and took her hands. He traced the scars than ran up her wrist. Maisy looked away from him. She tried to go to the place in her head where she felt safe. Where she could block everything out but he wouldn’t let her. He dug his nails into the newly formed skin tissue, bringing her back into the room.
“These are healing well.” Sean reached to her bedside drawer and opened the top one. He pulled out a pair of kitchen scissors. Maisy started shaking violently.
“No… No… No… No…” It was more a whispered stutter than a repeating of the word. She stumbled to get it out.
“Sshh… good girl. You’re my good girl, aren’t you Maze?”
He stroked her hair to calm her. To Maisy it was more of a warning. She nodded intently at him once more. She just wanted to please him.
“Then you know what I want you to do.”
Maisy looked at Sean through bleary eyes and then looked down at the scissors he was holding. She slowly moved her hand and took them out of his. She opened them up to the widest they would go and then with one of the points she stuck it into her wrist.
She watched the blood pour out around the blade. It surprised her every time, what a dark colour it was. She always expected it to be bright red, but it’s not. It’s almost black at first, until the oxygen gets to it, and then it becomes a deep red.
“Not too deep.” Sean warned. “We don’t want to cause any damage love, do we?”
Maisy closed her eyes but Sean shook her until she opened them. “And again… let the badness out. You know it’s the only way.”
Maisy sunk the blade into her arms again and again making small criss-cross incisions. She didn’t stop until he took the scissors from her. He then pulled out a first aid box from the drawer and opened it up, taking out the bandages he begun to dress her wounds.
“I don’t know why you do this to yourself Maisy. I really don’t.” He said, as he wrapped the clean white fabric around her sliced up wrist.
“It’s not normal behaviour you know, maybe mum is right. Maybe you do need to go to a hospital. I mean…
cutting yourself for attention…”
Maisy never spoke a word the whole time he attended to her. When he was finished, he pulled back the duvet and helped her into bed. He gave a sleeping pill and a glass of water and helped her to take it. Laying her down, he kissed her gently on the top of her head and tucked her in.
Although, Sean possessed a general lack of empathy and was austerely incapable of understanding the emotional states of other people, he did accept, purely in a detached and intellectual sense, they existed. All the same, people were little more than objects for his personal gratification.
There was no discrimination, the callousness extended to everybody, family and strangers alike.
He neglected other people’s needs and desires and casually inflicted cruelty as and when he chose. Regular, ordinary people, experience distress when they observe another human in pain, but the callous psychopath, like Sean, feels nothing. It was why he was capable of dramatic performances of cruelty, because he was not restrained and controlled by the horrifying reaction to his prey’s suffering.
“No more dramas, Eh Maze. Let’s stop being selfish.”
He unlocked the door and opened it, then he turned towards her and said “And how about you start taking a bit of an interest in your daughter downstairs. She really is a beauty.
Would be such an awful waste, if she fell into the wrong hands.”
* * *
While Sean was driving back to his house, he reflectedon the last couple of days. He thought about Rachel, who was still currently in his house. He had left her sleeping while he had been to see Kenny.
That was a meeting he had not expected to unravel the way it did. He had thought Kenny had found Rachel so they could be together. He had no idea that Kenny felt resentment towards her.
Rachel was his purity. The only one who made him question his behaviour. The one that made him feel emotions which he thought he was incapable of.
Sean had rested in the belief that his behaviour was innate. He was convinced that his destiny and everything that it contained was pre-ordained. It was why he found it so easy to conform to the stereotype he had become.
Only when he was around Rachel did he feel some form of humanity about his past actions.
She made him question whether there was an alternative version of himself. One that she seemed to see, that she believed in, that she loved. If Rachel could see this version of him, then maybe the appalling form could be stopped, eliminated. She had seen it in him nine years ago and still saw it now. Was there hope for him?
Kenny was so wrong, Sean thought. He no longer abused Maisy out of some sexual or power thrill, it was to make sure she did not tell anyone what had happened and what he had done to her.
For the first time in his entire life he felt, to some extent, a little worried. He knew that Rachel would not accept what he had done and this bothered him.
It bothered him more than he cared to admit, which told him that what he was doing to Maisy and what he had done to people all his life was wrong. It was a new feeling to Sean and he didn’t like it.
Many psychopaths are superficially charming. They have a great ability to show displays of emotion and manipulate others. Fred West, a prolific psychopath, was described by his neighbours and friends as charming, amiable, charismatic, convincing and persuasive. He murdered ten women and buried them under his patio.
Sean had the ability to display all of those attributes but never genuinely meant any of it. They served a purpose that was all.
Sean however was glib, he possessed an offhand fluency of speech that was often insincere and superficial, he had few social inhibitions, was extroverted, dominant and confident.
He was not afraid of causing offense, being rejected, or being put down. If these things happened, he would tend to dismiss the charming approach and adopt a role of intimidation, coercion and violence to get his way.
Ultimately he was always going to succeed in his objective, so the means of how it was achieved really wasn’t of great bother to him. It all depended on what his current mood was.
He was deficient in the ability to be aware of what life actually means, the ordinary and universal emotion or purpose that gives rise to the various personal and social goals and responsibilities that normal people have.
Sean never spent much time weighing up his actions or their consequences, often due to his seeking of immediate satisfaction for his desires. This resulted in short lived relationships, changing plans and committing crimes, all apparently on a whim. He was very reactive to perceived insults and responded aggressively.
There are lots of different personalities. Some are of a sunny disposition, whereas others adopt a more negative vibe and there are various different mediums in between.
Ultimately, personality is made up of aspiration, authority, supremacy and control. The level of how much or how little of each of these a personality contains is variable between people.
Sean possessed high quantities of each. He aspired to be important; to be a somebody. He wielded authority, supremacy and control, as his own personal weapons against humanity. The degree to which these owned him, he decided, explained his abnormal and immoral behaviour.
He saw himself in the third person a lot and it helped him to justify the things that happened. Sean believed it all just happened. He wasn’t responsible for anything, he just dealt with what life dished out to him.
People are pushed by desire and pulled by conscience.
However, Sean was deficient in the latter. He was only pushed by desire and did not have the equilibrium between the two. Desire comes from the part of the personality that
contains the basic animal and primitive impulses which demand immediate satisfaction.
They are unconscious aspects; dark, inaccessible parts of the mind. It’s the Mr. Hyde revolting from the reserved Dr.
Jekyll; that little devil that sits on your shoulder, whispering enticement and prompting you to be driven by a pleasure seeking libido.
Despite it being an unconscious process, this part of his personality Sean knew only too well. He justified it by questioning where we would be without desire. Does it not push you through life; leading you to seek the things you need to survive. Without it people would die.
It is frenzied, occupied with only incensed pleasure and stimulation. It is filled with energy, originating from instincts, but it has no formation, only a motivation to bring about the attainment of the instinctual need. It is present from birth, driven by the pleasure principle, which strives for immediate gratification of all desires, wants, and needs.
If these needs are not satisfied immediately, the result is a state of anxiety and tension. This was the part of him that Kenny referred to back in the shop. The part Rachel had never seen and must never see. He had to make sure of that.
How though, he wasn’t sure of. His delusional mind told him, he couldn’t fight the instinctive forces that resided in his head; they were too firmly fixed. But maybe he didn’t need to. Maybe the goodness she saw in him could fight them for him.
To balance the strong willed desires that exist in everyone, the sense of reality acts as an opposing force. Sean was capable of exhibiting his own awareness of reality but he willingly chose not to, unless he was only around her.
What is supposed to act as an adjudicator, between the demands of a person’s desire and reality, in his mind, just didn’t. The opposing force negotiates the desire’s power, modifying it in order to achieve the gratification despite the limits of reality; like an umpire at a tennis match.
It regulates people’s actions and behaviours, in terms of what society believes to be appropriate, ensuring the impulses of the desires can be expressed in a manner acceptable in the real world. It does this through guilt.
If you do something immoral or break the law, guilt sets in. Sean had no interest in conducting his behaviour within society’s guidelines. It held no benefit for him; apart from keeping him out of prison and that is where Kenny had always stepped in. He had cleared up any mess that may have exposed Sean and as far as he was concerned; Kenny always would.
This part of a personality is the part regular people usually show to the world but with Sean, inhibiting it, rather than letting it do its job, was more valuable for him; until he met Rachel again that is. She brought out this side of him. The adjudicating principle was allowed to work, to some extent, but ultimately the desire element prevailed no matter what.
Lastly, there is conscience. This regulates the consciousness’ ability to control the desire parts of the personality. Usually, a person’s conscience arises from their parents and, as they grow up, they internalise the standards that are taught to them; those same standards that make a person feel guilty when they tell a lie or cheat.
Sean’s parents were not saints but in their eyes they believed they had taught their children the difference between right and wrong, good and bad.
Ultimately, this had made no impact on Sean’s personality or behaviour. Sean knew the difference between right and wrong but had always dismissed it as applying to him. But does everyone have a conscience?
There are certain people, who have gained infamous notoriety because they committed such horrible acts of violence that we sometimes wonder if they were void of conscience. How can serial killers such as Ted Bundy or Fred West commit such horrible crimes?
Do they lack the basic capacity to feel guilt, so nothing really prevents them from acting out their violent fantasies?
He remembered Kenny saying to him once that evil men do what good men only dream of. This had always stuck in Sean’s mind; believing that everybody harboured violent, sadistic and brutal desires; it was just that he was brave enough to indulge in them.
As much as he wanted to be the person that Rachel believed she saw, he couldn’t entirely turn his back on what really turned him on. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to do that; fully and whole heartedly. Rachel was trying to make him re-evaluate that.
Kenny had been trying to teach Sean that there were appropriate times when his violent talents were required.
Any other time, for mere amusement, it was inappropriate; for lots of reasons but mainly because you do not want to draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
Rachel was teaching Sean an alternative way of living just by being around her. Kenny should have been pleased and it irritated Sean that he wasn’t. Granted, Sean had already admitted to himself that he may not be able to give up his way of life completely, but he needed approval from this man and that perplexed him a little.
It also aggravated him because Kenny played on it. It was like Kenny almost thought he could push Sean into what he wanted him to do. Just because he knew some things which Sean definitely would not want to be public knowledge.
He didn’t think for one second Kenny would ever grass on him. It wasn’t like that, Kenny wasn’t like that. It was just a look that Kenny could give Sean which made him feel beholden to the man; that he owed him something.
It was true; Sean did owe Kenny a huge gratitude. He knew he would be rotting away in a prison cell for the rest of his life, if it wasn’t for Kenny’s shrewd and innovative thinking and that there would be a time when Sean would have to repay his debt. Sean wasn’t too sure how that particular day would play out. It was something that made him feel uncomfortable and he pushed the thoughts out of his mind.
He just needed to get back to Rachel. Just knowing she was waiting for him in his house sent shivers down his back.
She was his soulmate, she saw what no one else did and he knew, as soon as he saw her again, he was never letting her go. She belonged to him completely. He had let her leave him once before and it had destroyed him.
He now knew that they were intrinsically tied to each other forever and that he must not let anybody or anything ever get in the way of that again. It is why he asked Kenny to find him James, he needed to know where he was, what he was doing. If there was any potential threat of him ever resurfacing to claim his child and in effect Rachel.
Then there was Greg, the other man in her life. Rachel had already promised Sean she was going to finish it with him. That she just needed some time to work out how. He had to accept that for now but he wouldn’t wait for long. The sooner Rachel was finally entirely his, the better everything would be.
Th II
e Chronicles How What Was Came To Be
“Indeed, history is nothing more than a
tableau of crimes and misfortunes.”
Voltaire 1694 -1778
Chapter 6
May 1995
Maureen bustled through to the living room from the hall way, whilst trying to pull a large wax jacket onto her graceless frame.
“SEAN!” She yelled at the top of her voice. Not waiting for a response she yelled again; this time putting emphasis on to her son’s name. “SHORRN!”
She picked up her handbag and car keys that were on the table; patting her daughter’s head who was sitting on the fl oor in front of the TV. She didn’t see the distress in her eyes or the tear that rolled down her cheek.
Walking back through to the hall, she stood at the bottom of the stairs. Yelling again, this time with all her muster, she heard the bedroom door open. Sean popped his head round the door and looked down the stairs.
“I am off too work. I am not sure what y’ dad’s doing, he did mention some overtime. If he decides to come home, tell him his dinner is in the oven. Alice is staying over at Emily’s and won’t be back till the morning. Don’t let Maisy stay up all night long watching tele and Sean watch her will you? Not lock yourself in your room and leaving her too her o
wn devices. I know what you’re like. When I ask you to watch your sisters’ that is what I expect you to do, exactly that, watch them. I’ll be home about eleven… Okay?”
Sean knew she wasn’t really asking for a response. He watched her check herself in the mirror that hung by the front door and then she was gone. He waited for a few seconds, until he heard the engine of her car start and her reverse out of the drive. When he could no longer hear her in the distance he walked down the stairs and into the living room.
Sean closed the door that led to the hall way. He then walked across to the other side of the room and closed the door that led to the kitchen. He checked the patio doors were locked and then pulled the thick heavy curtains across them. Looking around the room he was satisfied.
Maisy was still sitting on the floor in front of the TV.
She had watched everything he had just done, out of the corner of her eye. She bit her bottom lip, as she thought about what was going to come next.
She had been left alone with Sean lots of times and it was always the same. He would lock all the doors and close all the curtains. Then he would expect her to do certain things for him. It was their special game. Nobody loved her like Sean did and this was how she said thank you for that love. He had told her that she wasn’t wanted by mum and dad, for as long as she could remember. She was only ten, yet that idea was firmly fixed in her mind.
He repeatedly reminded her that she was a mistake; that she wasn’t wanted because their parents already had a boy and a girl. It was only him that cared about her and thought she was worthwhile. Maisy believed him. Her mother was always so busy, with housework, or cooking, or rushing off to work and her father was out driving his taxi all day and all night, she hardly ever saw him.
Sean told her she was lucky to have him and she accepted that as true. She didn’t like having to say thank you though; it made Maisy feel uncomfortable. He didn’t hurt her, in fact he was very gentle but his touch made her think he could do so very badly. Something deep inside told her what he did to her wasn’t normal. However, the more he convinced Maisy that he was the only one that loved her, the more she felt she had to repay him.
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