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Without speaking, Sam pulled me into his arms. I dropped the shoe and clutched blindly at him, gripping his T-shirt – my hands like claws as I started to sob against his chest, my body heaving.
“I know,” he choked out, his strong arms tightening around me. “I know. ”
After a long time, Sam helped me up and got us both back to the truck.
“What was he even doing?” I whispered hoarsely, staring at the remains of the camp. The smoke had all dispersed now and the dust had settled, as if the ruins had lain undisturbed for centuries.
In the driver’s seat, Sam scraped a hand over his jaw. I could sense he was trying to keep control. “Aw, hell, I don’t know. ” His voice broke. “From what you said, something to do with using the earth’s energy field. ”
I was still holding Alex’s shoe, my nails gouging into the leather. “Yes, but what? I wouldn’t have thought that was even possible!”
“I guess it wasn’t,” Sam said flatly.
I stared at the shattered buildings. When I spoke again, my voice was thin. “We can’t just…leave him here. ”
Sam rubbed his forehead, looking forty-three instead of twenty-three. “There may not – be much left,” he said dully. “Anyway, it’d take us weeks to sift through all that. Unless…”
I shook my head woodenly. There was nothing left of Alex’s essence to latch onto.
Sam took a breath. “You know, this is…not really a bad place for him to be. He loved it here, growing up. He told me. And I think his father and brother are buried nearby. ”
Any moment I’d wake up and find Alex in bed next to me, pulling me into his arms – his warm lips nuzzling at my neck. I shut my eyes hard. “Yeah, they are,” I said finally.
Inside, I was screaming – wordless, anguished screams, over and over. Alex was only nineteen. We were supposed to have a whole long life together. It wasn’t supposed to be that, instead, he’d felt forced to take some insane risk that he’d lied to me about.
Suddenly, I was shaking. What had it been? What had Alex thought was this important? Without thinking, I grounded myself and reached out for the earth’s energy field. The chaotic power roared over me as I tried to grasp hold. My angel was huddled deep inside me, stunned with grief; I felt her struggle feebly as the ethereal storm battered at us.
“Willow?” said Sam.
The force was whistling past, yanking at my aura – threatening to rip it away. Alex, what was it? Please, I’ve got to know!
“Willow!” Sam was shaking me. “Get out of it!”
With a gasp, my connection with the energy field broke. When I opened my eyes again, my cheeks were freshly damp. “I don’t know what he was doing,” I whispered brokenly. “I don’t know how to – to fix it. ”
Sam was glaring at me, his eyes still red. “Christ, if that wasn’t a damn-fool thing to do! You think we want to lose you, too?”
I didn’t answer. Whatever Alex’s father’s plan had been, it was gone.
So was Alex.
I saw again the angels, invading our world and becoming unlinked. Alex, putting on a brave face, despite thinking it was his fault. None of this would have happened otherwise – he’d still be alive now.
The thoughts hammered relentlessly at my skull. “I’m going to Denver,” I said.
Sam turned his head and stared at me. “What for?” he asked after a pause, sounding wary.
“Because I have to find Raziel. ”
“Willow, please start making some sense pretty damn quick, ’cause you’re freaking me out. ”
My knuckles were white against Alex’s shoe. “This is all Raziel’s fault. He’s the one who unlinked the angels, the one who destroyed the Council and caused the earthquakes. Sam, don’t you see? It’s all him – everything bad that happens is him. ”
“Yeah, that’s probably true,” Sam said harshly. “So what are you gonna do? March into his Eden and demand an apology?”
“No. I’m going to make sure he never does it again. ”
Sam straightened and pulled the keys out of his jeans pocket. “You’re in shock,” he said shortly. “I’m gettin’ you home. ”
All at once my voice was ringing through the cab. “What home? I am serious, Sam – I cannot just go back and do nothing! Alex is dead! Dead, don’t you get it?”
“Yes, I get it!” he bellowed back. “What you don’t get is that it would be goddamn suicide!”
“I am going to Denver,” I said. “You can come, or not – I don’t care. ”
Sam gripped my arms hard. “Listen to me,” he growled. “If you want to go runnin’ off to Denver, fine; I can’t stop you. But you would be putting the entire team in danger, and probably killing yourself in the bargain. Do you think that’s what Alex would want? Do you think he’s watching from somewhere right now, sayin’, Yeah, go get him, Willow!”
Something snapped in me. “I don’t care what he’d want!” I screamed. “I can’t just do nothing!”
The truck was suffocating me. Somehow I got the door open and collapsed out onto the desert ground. I wrapped my arms over my head as I struggled to breathe, and felt some small part of my mind try to detach itself from this pain – from the low, keening noise I was making; the way I was rocking in place, fingernails clutching my scalp, lungs clenched tight.
Alex.
Sam came and kneeled beside me. I felt his rough hand rest on my head. “I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do,” he said. “Just what Alex said – keep on recruiting and training people. That’s the only hope humanity’s got now. We need you, Willow. You can run off and get yourself killed, but it won’t accomplish a goddamn thing. ”
Eventually I managed to sit up, trembling. Sam gripped my hand, his blue eyes intense. “Alex loved you,” he said in a low voice. “He never thought you were a quitter. ”
I couldn’t speak. All I wanted was to confront my father – blow his halo into nothing and hope he felt just a fraction of the pain that Alex had felt, that I was feeling.
But I knew Sam was right. And as I gazed at the ruins where Alex lay, something inside me hardened. I would fight the angels until the day I died, if that’s what it took.
“I’m not a quitter,” I said finally.
Sam put his arm around me; I leaned against his broad chest. He held me silently for a few moments, then kissed my head. “Come on, angel chick,” he whispered. “There’s nothing more we can do here. ”
We got back into the truck, and Sam started the engine. I felt as if I were made of glass – one wrong move, and I’d break. As Sam glanced back at the wreckage, his face was set in stone.
“Goodbye, bud,” he murmured. “Hope to hell it was worth it. ”
I couldn’t say goodbye to Alex. Not now, not ever. But I turned and watched the shattered remains of the camp grow smaller in the rear window, along with the sun sparkling off Alex’s truck.
I watched until long after they’d vanished, and the only things still visible were the low mountains on the horizon, etched against the sky.
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