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He reached for me again. “Wait,” I whispered. I sank back onto my heels and drank him in: the way the lantern’s glow played on the muscles of his chest; the look in his eyes as he gazed back at me.
I slowly reached out and glided my fingers over his smooth torso. I shivered at the familiar warmth. I hadn’t forgotten, not any of it. I traced the letters of his AK tattoo, then leaned over to press my lips against them. I felt drunk on him; I could never get enough.
“Oh god, Willow,” he whispered roughly. I felt his lips on my head, my cheek, his hand under my shirt, caressing over my ribcage, going upwards—
I pulled away, breathing hard. “Stop,” I said.
He paused, his eyes surprised. “Stop?”
I could feel my angel stirring again – that weird sensation of looseness that came when we weren’t in accord. She wasn’t happy about something, but right then I wasn’t too interested in finding out what.
“Yes – stop. ” I picked up Alex’s T-shirt; as I handed it to him, I kissed him lingeringly. “Put that back on,” I whispered. “There’s a cardboard box out in the closet that you need to go check out. ”
When I woke a few hours later, I was curled in Alex’s arms; his breathing was slow and steady. For a few heartbeats, my drowsy brain thought we were back at the base. Do we have a simulation today? I thought, nestling closer to him. Hope we haven’t overslept.
Then I remembered.
I froze, my eyes abruptly wide open. We’d closed the stage curtains and were in total darkness; I had no idea what time it was. I sat up, hugging a blanket tight around myself – so aware of the warm sleeping form next to me. And even though I knew now that this was real…I still had to check.
I brought out my angel, and the stage exploded into ethereal light. Alex lay with one arm up on his pillow. The three weeks of stubble on his jaw was only a shadow; the light from my angel picked out every hair.
Three weeks, I thought, staring at him. Twenty-one days – that was all this had been in Alex’s life.
The emotion that had been tugging at me since he returned came again, stronger than ever. I could feel my angel’s disquiet. I touched my forehead as it started to pound – and that’s when the thought I’d been trying to avoid hit me with sickening clarity.
There had been no reason for me to go through this last year. None. If Alex had just told me the truth…if I’d known there was a chance that he was still alive in the angels’ world…
It wouldn’t have made any difference; you still wouldn’t have known for sure, I told myself dazedly.
It would have made the difference between hope and despair, and I knew it.
I felt dizzy suddenly – all I wanted was to slam this away again as hard as I could. Beside me, Alex stirred. He reached out and rubbed my arm. “Hey,” he murmured. “Everything okay?”
“Fine,” I got out. “Couldn’t sleep. ”
He tugged at me. “Come back, you’re too far away. ”
I felt like a clenched fist. I lay down beside him again; he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my shoulder. I sensed him doing a scan and realizing: “Your angel’s out. ”
“Yes, um…” I closed my eyes hard, willing this to go away. “I just wanted to see you. Make sure you’re real. ”
Alex lifted his energy above his crown chakra and took in my angel. “She’s more beautiful than ever, you know,” he said. “So are you. ” He touched my hair, fingering a blonde strand.
“I like this,” he said. “You were gorgeous as a redhead and a brunette too, but – this is who you are. ”
I cleared my throat. Somehow my voice sounded normal. “That’s…why I did it. I wanted to be me again when I faced Raziel. ”
Alex glanced at the closed curtains. “Speaking of that – any idea what time it is?”
I sent my angel soaring up briefly through the roof: icy air and piercing stars. “Still early,” I said as she returned. “I don’t think we’ve been asleep very long. ”
“Okay, let’s at least try to get another hour. ” Then Alex really looked at me. “Are you sure you’re all right? You seem so tense. ”
Alex, so close that I could feel his body’s warmth even where we weren’t touching – it was everything I’d longed for, so why was I feeling like this? “I’m fine,” I said after a pause. “It must just still be the shock, or something. ”
He sighed. “Yeah. I’m still dealing with that myself. ” Keeping one arm around me, he rolled onto his back, gazing at my angel. “A year,” he murmured. “Jesus, you’re nineteen now. We’re the same age. ”
I fell silent, remembering my nineteenth birthday party. How I’d cried so hard that I’d thrown up. Then my gaze fell on the battered work boots lying nearby; Alex had said he’d scavenged them from a dark town.
The explosion at the camp thundered through me again: my voice screaming Alex’s name, my fingers bleeding as I clawed at shards of concrete, the way I’d cradled his shoe as I sobbed.
All because he hadn’t wanted to see the look on my face.
Alex touched my cheek. “Oh god, babe,” he said softly. “I can’t even imagine what this last year has been like for you. ”
A great, dark wave was cresting inside me. “It…wasn’t much fun,” I said thinly. “I mean, obviously. But I got through it. ”
He raised my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. “I’ll make it up to you, somehow,” he said. “I swear it, Willow. All that matters now is that we’re together again. ”
I’ll make it up to you. I went very still. For a moment I almost felt short of breath. Had he actually just said that? For him to even think it was possible…
He’d put me through hell, and he didn’t even know it.
Alex settled back with his arms around me. I could feel that he thought I just didn’t want to talk about it yet. “So what’s been happening back at the base?” he asked. He smiled slightly. “How did Seb finally come to his senses about Meghan, anyway? Last time I talked to him, he wasn’t even close. ”
And he looked so relaxed that suddenly I hated him.
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice tightly controlled. “I guess maybe it was when the two of us were kissing a few days ago. ”
Alex’s expression drained. He propped himself up on one elbow, staring at me. “You were kissing Seb,” he repeated.
“Yeah, we had to take shelter on the way here. ” Who was this person talking, with her hard, deliberate tone? “It was this really romantic setting – a fireplace, a sheepskin rug – and we just fell into each other’s arms. It was so passionate – we couldn’t get enough of each other. I’ve never––”
Hurt anger had come over Alex’s face. “Fine, I get the picture! You totally wanted Seb. So what happened?”
I longed to tell him that we’d spent a night of wild passion on the sheepskin rug. Instead my voice shook as I snapped: “Nothing! Because Seb sensed I was still in love with you, that I was using him without even meaning to! And I sensed he’s in love with Meghan. ”
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