by Angel Lawson
I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and have a small, unsettling flash back of watching Hawk kiss my feet. “Guess you changed me out of my dress?”
“I figured I’d already seen what was under it in the car. I just wanted you to be comfortable.” He swallows. “For the record, I slept on the couch.”
I nod, feeling a little bit better. It’s not that I don’t have thoughts about sleeping with Hawk. I just want to be awake for it.
“Thank you for taking care of me.”
He walks over and holds my eye. Finally. His thumb grazes my chin. “Always.”
I always knew…
The phrase drifts through my mind.
“You said something like that...”
“What?” Hawk asks, drawing me back to the present.
“Nothing. It’s just all the jumbled-up stuff in my head. Whatever that pill was, it just made me loopy.” I frown. “Why didn’t it bother you so much?”
He shrugs. “I think it’s the difference in our weights. I don’t know.”
“Well thank goodness one of us had our senses last night.”
He hands me a bag of clothing one of the guys got from Rochelle and leaves me alone to change. I feel weird but not bad. Just discombobulated like I missed something important. I can’t determine if it had to do with Hawk or something else. I pull off the shirt that smells like Hawk and tug on my own T-shirt and shorts.
There may be someone else I can ask.
21
Eden
I find Rochelle in our suite, sitting on the couch with a text book in her lap. I’m semi-surprised to see her studying, but I know exams are coming up.
“There you are,” she says with a sly grin. “I see you got the clothes I gave to Gray.”
I tug at the shorts. “Thanks. I was in a bind.”
She laughs. “I saw you last night at the party. You and Hawk looked pretty close. I’m not surprised you didn’t come home.”
I plop in the chair across from her.
“Nothing happened,” I say. “Well, at least I don’t think so.”
“You took a dose of Happy, right? Too much and it’ll knock you out.”
“Happy?” I ask.
“The pill. Tyson said everyone had to take it.” She frowns. “I mean, I was a little surprised to see you there since I know that’s not your scene, but then again, you and Trip have been pretty close lately. Of course, there was a point I thought I’d made the whole thing up.”
“Why’s that?”
“I could have sworn I saw you with a different hairstyle and amazing glittery makeup.” She laughs. “It was way over the top for you. When I asked Tyson about it, he said you were already gone.”
“Tyson, Trip’s older brother? It was his party.” Things slowly click into place.
I remember Rochelle talking to a group of guys. I wonder if Tyson was one of them. Rochelle’s always invited to parties for one reason and I doubt last night was any different.
“I’m not going to lie. I’ve taken my fair share of recreational drugs, but Happy is the best. Makes me feel warm and tingly.” She gives me a sly look. “Horny.”
That, I do remember. The way Hawk’s hands felt me on that porch. The way I wanted more. How much did he feel? What happened later?
“I think I took too much,” I say. “My memory is shot. I just remember hanging out with Hawk on the back porch. After that is a blank.”
“You and Hawk passed through the kitchen and went back to the bedrooms.”
“We did?” I search my memory and again get the strangest sensation of being kissed, head to toe. “He said we didn’t sleep together.”
“He’s a good guy. It’s probably true.” She cocks an eyebrow. “He looks like he’d be big. You’d probably still feel it today.”
Lord.
I swallow and ask a question I’m not sure I want an answer to, “What about you? Hook up with anyone?”
Her eyes drop to the book. “Tyson.”
“Oh, are you together with him?”
She flips the book closed. “I’ve told you, Eden, things are complicated. I…I owe a debt and just because Luke left doesn’t mean it’s paid.”
My heart cracks. “Ro—that can’t be right. We need to sto—”
She holds up her hand. “I want to be your friend, Eden, but this is my life. My choice. I got myself into this mess, and I’ll get myself out.” She smiles weakly. “It’s not all bad. The Cohen brothers? They’ve both got huge—”
“Nope. No. Don’t want to hear it.” My stomach turns. “I’m not judging you, understand that. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“The self-defense class is helping and just having you here—as a friend. I think you’re the only person in my life that doesn’t want something from me, that isn’t manipulating me in some way.” She walks over and bends to give me a hug. It’s genuine and surprising. It also makes me feel like crap. Rochelle has no idea that we’re here to infiltrate the school and bring down the illegal behavior—something she’s uniquely involved with, willingly or not.
She releases me, and I say, “I need to tell you something.”
“Sure.”
“I’m, I’m not here for the reason you think I am,” I blurt.
Her forehead creases. “What do you mean?”
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t sell out the guys. Dorian.
“I’m poor. Like dirt poor. I’m here on a scholarship. My mother is an addict. My father is dead. My sister is missing. My whole life is a disaster and somehow,” I take a deep breath, “somehow I managed to get accepted to Sparrowood as this kind of last-ditch chance to turn my life around.”
She stares blankly at me for a minute and I think she’s going to just turn and walk away. She doesn’t, instead sitting next to me and taking my hand. “Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. There’s something about you that never quite fit. The lack of clothing or understanding how this place works. Sometimes you seem so in over your head and other times you seem wiser than anyone else here.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
She smiles and squeezes my hand. “You didn’t have to, but thank you for telling me, anyway. I won’t let anyone know.”
“Trip knows. He knew me from back home.”
Her eyes narrow. “Is he holding it over you? Is that why you’re hanging out with him?”
“No,” I say. It’s not a lie. “He knew my sister and even though I know he’s shady as hell, it feels good to be around someone that knew her, and that knows the truth about who I really am.”
“Now there’s two of us.”
I feel better sharing something, even if it’s not everything. Rochelle, despite her past, doesn’t deserve to be treated like dirt. Maybe one day I can convince her of that, too.
The following week there’s no time for parties or illicit behavior. Each of our teachers announces the exam schedule, hands out study guides, and a general sense of nerves rolls over the student population.
“Is it really a big deal?” Gray asks over dinner. “Like, will any of these students not get into the college of their choice if they flunk a test?”
“Our parents can buy a lot of things,” Rochelle says, not even pretending her father wouldn’t do something like that, “but buying off colleges, while not impossible, is fairly unusual.”
“My father paid for a new wing on the library at Tech to get my brother in," Trip says, picking at his dinner. “I’m pretty sure he’s given up hope on me.”
The word hope lingers on his tongue and I swear he winks at me.
“Why do you want to go to college. You’re already running a lucrative business,” Theo asks.
“Selling contraband to prep school students has a cap. I’ve got my eye on something bigger.” He rubs his hands together. “I’m already testing the water in some of the colleges around here, but when I graduate I want to be poised to matriculate for maximum benefit.”
“We
ll, if I’m going to pass Lit, I probably need to head back to the room and study,” I say, grabbing my tray.
“I can take care of that for you if you need,” Trip says, looking around the table. “Any of you. Perk of being in business.”
“No thanks,” I say, for all of us. “We don’t have rich daddies. If I’m going to college, it’s on my own merit.”
“Look at you and all your convictions,” Trip says, tugging at the hem of my skirt. I try not to react but it’s hard when his fingers graze the back of my thigh.
Hawk stands, almost knocking over the whole bench, announcing, “I’ll walk you up.”
We’ve barely left the dining hall when he says, “I swear to God, if he touches you one more time.”
“It’s part of the deal, Hawk. You were there when we decided it.” I roll my eyes.
“That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“Since when are you Mr. Territorial?”
His jaw clenches so tight it could snap.
“He’s getting braver and I don’t like it.”
I can’t deny that. Ever since the party, Trip has taken more and more liberties, physically, when he’s around me. It’s nothing major, just little touches. Holding my hand, stroking my hair, slipping his arm around my waist. Things that the guys do, too. We’d agreed to this. To make him one of us, and doing that means were not just business associates, K-Boys, or even friends. It means one more thing: they share. Me.
“It’s fine,” I tell him. “I’m pretty sure he’s occupied with a dozen other girls, anyway.”
He doesn’t look convinced.
Neither does Gray the next afternoon when we meet up for a study group in the library. Trip offers to go with me to the reference room.
“It’s fine,” I say quietly, reaching for my notebook. I feel the hard glare of Gray’s eyes on my back.
The reference room is in a closed, separate room, sterile and dry. We have to have a pass, which we have from our teacher, to get inside and none of the materials can leave.
The room is filled with books, paintings, and other artwork the Holmes collected over the years.
I head to the shelf with books going back to the Civil War.
“I don’t think your boyfriends like me,” Trip says, leaning against the table. This is how he usually “helps.” Gossiping and flirting while I do all the work.
“You know they’ve never been good with outsiders.”
“They’re good with you.”
I ignore him, finding the right book. I walk over to the table while flipping through the delicate pages. It’s a series of journals written by a young Confederate soldier. He’s the focus of our project.
“It says here that he joined up when he was fourteen—faking his age. Two days after he joined he saw his first battle, up in Tennessee.” The light trail of fingertips on my neck draws me from the book. I look up and stare into Trip’s blue eyes. He’s inches away.
“Do you want to find the other book?” I ask, trying to distract him. “We need two historical references.”
His hand is still on my neck. “You remind me so much of her, you know.”
Her. There’s no question who he means. My heart leaps into my throat but I do everything I can to stay calm.
“H-how so?”
He tilts his head and studies me. “You have the same eyes and smile. Oh, and your voice. Sometimes I hear you speak and I think it’s her.”
I want to ask more, but I’m paralyzed. Finally, I say. “I miss her.”
His eyes hold mine. Steady. Clear. I think he may tell me something—anything, but he reaches out, thumb grazing over my bottom lip. “I think it’s something about your lips. They’re similar. Do you know how much I think about your mouth? It’s an embarrassing amount of time.”
“Um.” I take a step back, but his other hand latches securely to my hip.
“God, your lips. So plump and thick. Every night, it’s the same fantasy. The same sweat-inducing dream. I wake up hard, think about you on your knees. Your mouth. Hot. Wet. Wrapped around my—”
I shove the book at him, cramming it against his neck. He barks a cough, choking from the air being knocked out of him. A move I learned from Dorian.
He’s gasping for air when I say, “Do you even know anything about Hope? Anything at all?” He blinks, rubbing his throat. “I’m not one of your play things, Trip. I’m not a whore you can bribe or manipulate. Your cousin tried, and you can try, but the results will be the same.”
He straightens, cheeks red, voice cracked. “Oh, I know plenty about Hope, sweetheart. More than you can imagine. One thing’s for certain, you’re feistier than her. She was definitely not this hard to break.”
I lunge for him, grabbing him by the neck, pressing my thumbs in the same raw spot. “What did you do to her? Where is she?”
He smiles like a lunatic. “You want to know? Fulfill that dream I just described, then I’ll tell you everything I know.”
I open my mouth to tell him what I think of this deal but the door swings open. The librarian walks in with horror on her face. “What is going on in here?”
“Nothing,” I say, realizing the brittle leather of the book is crumbling in my hand. I shove it at Trip and walk out the door, letting him explain what she’d just walked in on.
He’d drawn a line. Fine and definite.
If I wanted to know the truth about Hope, now I knew what I’d have to do to get it.
22
Eden
Just when I thought I couldn’t handle one more day of classes, roommates, intensifying sexual tension, and avoiding Trip Cohen, Thanksgiving break arrives giving me a reprieve.
Dorian calls us into his office to notify us that we can go home or stay. Theo quickly accepts the offer to stay, admitting the risk of a relapse is too high. It concerns me that he’s still so raw. Not that it’s unexpected. Recovery is a long road, but at times he still seems so fragile.
“Obviously, I’ll stay,” Gray says. “There’s really nowhere for me to go.”
Hawk smirks. “Yeah, I doubt my last foster family would be into me showing up unexpectedly.”
“My mom is still in rehab,” I say. I’m certainly not going to look for her asshole boyfriend. “Looks like we’re stuck.”
“You won’t be the only student s,” Dorian says. “There’s always a handful that don’t go home for various reasons. It’s a good time to prepare for the start of the next semester and to just rest.”
“What about you?” I ask as the boys head out the door. “What are you doing?”
“My mom still lives in Kingston. I’ll head there for a few days.”
“That sounds nice.”
He shrugs. “It’s not without dealing with a little baggage, but she stuck by me. I can’t begrudge that.”
“No,” I say, “you can’t. It must be nice to have a home base like that.”
His eyes soften. “Hopefully your mom will get clean and become that person for you again.”
“Maybe. I don’t like to think about it too much. It’s easier than being disappointed.”
We stand across from one another, my face red from admitting a vulnerability. Dorian is good at his job. Something that, while it unnerves me, I respect.
“Have a good break,” he says. “Keep an eye on the guys, don’t let them get in trouble.”
I laugh. “Like I have any control over them.”
His eyebrow raises. “More than you probably know.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Dorian.” Spontaneously, I reach out and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Slowly he embraces me in his warm, strong arms.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Eden.”
I may be crazy or making it up (wishful thinking?) but I sense his arms tightening around me, holding me close and his nose in my hair. It should be weird that he’s inhaling me, but I’m doing the same with him, taking a long drag of his knee-buckling scent one last time before I’m forced to let go.
&
nbsp; 23
Gray
The school slows to a grinding halt over the break. The halls are quiet. The dining hall service limited. No teachers, no students, no watching our backs.
For the first time in months, I feel like I can rest.
Eden must feel the same way, because when she finally appears in our lounge wearing a sweatshirt and shorts, she looks less exhausted than she has in months. Her hair is twisted in a messy bun, most of the blue faded out by now.
“Hey,” I say, patting the seat next to me. I hold up the video game controller. “You want in?”
“Maybe later,” she says, taking the empty spot between me and Theo. She pulls her knees up to her chest and watches the screen. “You guys been doing this all day?”
“Theo slept ‘til noon,” I say, jamming my thumb into the controller. “I got hungry and went to the dining hall. Hawk went to the gym.”
She looks at Hawk and raises an eyebrow. “I’m impressed.”
Hawk shrugs. “I got into the routine.”
What he’s not admitting is how it calms him down a lot. His temper has been more under control here than I’ve ever seen it. Despite being a hotbed for hormones and illicit behavior, it’s the most structured, productive environment any of us have lived in.
“It’s weird being here without anyone else,” Eden says. “I keep looking for Rochelle to start talking non-stop or Trip to creep up on me.”
The three of us look over.
“Is he bothering you?” Theo asks.
“No,” she says about Trip, but I doubt anyone believes her. I know I don’t.
Something happened at the library the other night. Something she wouldn’t tell me, but she was definitely shaken up when she walked out of the reference room and stormed out.
She’s not the only one holding back on information. Hawk’s description of what went down at the party with him and Eden has been minimal at best, but the two of them have been awkward together ever since. There is one thing though, he swears he saw Hope at that party on his way out. If not her, then her doppelgänger.
