by David Thorne
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 9.41am
To: Craig Buchanan
Subject: Re: Annual report files
Nice. He told me he was taking his dog to the vet.
Thank you for the files. And the heads up.
David
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 9.46am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Vet
Morning Walter,
I hope everything went well at the vet’s office yesterday.
How’s Charlie doing?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 9.58am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Vet
He’s ok thanks for asking. just got to take dog antibiotics for a few weeks. The vet said it was probably just a virus.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.05am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Vet
Walter,
Are you confident with the diagnosis? Someone told me recently that their dog was taking antibiotics for a virus but it turned out to be Prevaricate Pseudologia. I think you catch it from ticks.
Did they test Charlie for that?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.12am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Vet
I think so. they did lots of tests and said it was just a virus.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.21am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Walter,
It probably wouldn’t hurt to make sure. Even a minor case of Prevaricate Pseudologia can get out of hand before you know it. One moment you’re happily digging holes under fences, perhaps to get to greener grass, and the next, covered in tick bites and growling at hobos under a bridge when they try to take your blanket.
Which vet did you take Charlie to?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Just the vet near our place.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.30am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Walter,
What’s the name of it?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.39am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Its just called the veterinary clinic. why? the one on port road near the supermarket.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.46am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Walter,
I’m quite familiar with that vet’s office; it’s where we take Banksy and Laika.
Was it Doctor Wang or Doctor Richard who saw Charlie? Doctor Wang is young and new to the practice so it’s possible she may not have the experience to recognise the tell-tale signs of Prevaricate Pseudologia.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 10.58am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
doctor Richard.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.06am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Walter,
You should be fine with the antibiotics then, Doctor Richard knows what he’s doing. His stature in the field of veterinary medicine is inversely proportionate to that of his height. Was it odd having a vet who is a dwarf?
David.
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
no because I’m not predjajuiced.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.29am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
Walter,
I wasn’t inferring you were - it’s just that Doctor Richard’s dimensions, and his attire, can come as a bit of a surprise if you’re not expecting a three-foot tall cross-dressing vet - or three-foot-six if he’s in high heels.
Was he wearing high heels, Walter?
David.
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.34am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Vet
how would I know he was on the other side of the bench that they put the animals on. whats your point?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.47am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: ally?
Walter,
I wasn’t making one. The efficiency of a point depends entirely on it not being one the recipient wishes to avoid. I was simply enquiring out of concern for Charlie’s welfare as there’s been a lot of Prevaricate Pseudologia going about recently.
I get on well with Doctor Richard so I might give him a call and ask if Charlie was tested for it. If not, would you like me to book a follow-up appointment to get it done?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.51am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: ally?
dont have to do that. ill juts antibiotics and if he doesnt get better than I’ll take him back. Thanks though.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 11.54am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: ally?
Walter,
It’s not a problem at all. Leave it with me.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: ally?
not that its any of your biusness but just so you know i didnt actually go to the vet yesterday. I just said that becasue I was embarrased to say that I hat to go to the doctor for a rash on my groin and Id prefer you didnt say anything to anyone.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.09pm
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: vised story
Walter,
I’m disappointed you felt the need to lie to me but equally impressed by your ‘smoke and mirror’ deception. You’re like the Uri Geller of absenteeism. No, I wont mention your groin rash to anyone. I hope it wasn’t anything serious.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: vised story
no just from riding my bike. a friction rash. Ive had it before.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.25pm
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: vised story
Walter,
Did they test for Prevaricate Pseudologia?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: vised story
no because Im not a dog. its just a rash. they gave me otment to put on it.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.40pm
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: vised story
Walter,
What doctor’s office did you go to?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Tuesday 14 March 2017 12.47pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: vised story
none of your busines.
Bushpig
“It’s getting warm outside,” the Lowe’s cashier declared. She scanned a spray can of Flex Seal and put it in a plastic bag, “It will be summer before we know it.”
For some reason, I decided the word indubitably was an appropriate response but, as I said it, my brain had a mini-stroke and it came out as “Indo bibly bibly.”
The cashier stared at me strangely and I decided my only recourse was to pretend I speak another language so I added, “Bibly albib oobibly.”
Remembering a few words from French lessons at school, I also threw in “la pomme” which I think means ‘the apple’.
For those not familiar with Flex Seal, it’s basically a can of liquid rubber that you spray on things to seal them. In the advertisement, a chubby guy named Phil drills holes in the bottom of a boat, seals the holes with the product, and then goes for a ride. What they don’t tell you in the advertisement is that the product is highly flammable. It probably states it on the can somewhere but who reads labels? I once chased a bee around the house for twenty minutes with a can of Pam cooking spray because the can is the same shape and color as Raid. Our floorboards were slippery for a week or so - the stairs were the worst, especially if you were wearing socks.
Also, where I sprayed the walls, the paint absorbed the oil and turned a shade darker. There are eight wiggly lines in the living room and two large spots in the hallway where the bee rested for a moment. A week later, I sprayed a Pyrex oven dish with Raid so it’s obviously too easy to mix up the products. Seb said it was the best frittata he’s ever had and he didn’t die so maybe there’s something in that.
“Will that be all for you today sir?”
“Bibly.”
“Your total is $12.98, do you have a Lowe’s card?”
“Bib.”
“Credit or debit?”
“Bebit.”
“Would you like the receipt in the bag?”
“Bibly.”
“Have a nice day.”
“Bib boo.”
I’m not sure what the point of a cashier asking, “Will that be all for you today?” is. I’m hardly going to take the cordless screwdriver out of my jacket and say, “No, this as well.”
It’s just as pointless asking, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” They ask that at TJ Maxx and nobody goes to TJ Maxx looking for something in particular. You just wander around aimlessly and eventually end up at the checkout with an armful of soaps, candles, a bottle of olive oil with a sprig of rosemary in it, and a ceramic owl.
“Did you find everything you were looking for today?”
“No, do you have two brass shelf brackets shaped like monkeys? I saw them on West Elm but there’s no way I’m paying two hundred dollars.”
Three weeks prior to my visit to Lowe’s to purchase Flex Seal, Holly had been browsing Facebook’s Marketplace in bed and stated, “We should buy a boat.”
“Yes,” I agreed, “Because we both enjoy fishing so much. If we buy a trawler like on Deadliest Catch, we could sell crabs for a living.”
“I’m serious. If we had a boat, we could go to Smith Mountain Lake whenever we want.”
“We already go to Smith Mountain Lake whenever we want. We rent a houseboat every year.”
“Staying on a houseboat for a week isn’t the same as owning our own boat. It’s just a floating caravan. I’m talking about a boat that isn’t embarrassing. One that we can tow tubes behind.”
“We can’t afford a boat.”
“This one on Facebook Marketplace is only six-thousand dollars. That’s a bargain.”
“We don’t have six-thousand dollars.”
“It would pay for itself.”
“How?”
“In fun.”
The 1997 Regal Commodore 242 cabin cruiser showed its age and there was a petrified fish in one of the cabin cupboards but the motor ran and it floated so we negotiated a price and towed the boat home. It was bigger and heavier than I’d anticipated. Going up hills was the worst; at one point we were passed by a jogger. He was one of those old, frail looking joggers with the wide crotch-height shorts that look like they’re in it for distance rather than time. We passed him going down the other side though; we were doing around 170mph as our brakes couldn’t cope with the weight.
“What are we going to name it?”
“The boat? Whatever you want, Holly.”
“I’m going to look up clever boat names online when we have reception. How long before we get out of these mountains?”
“It’s two or three more miles, so about an hour.”
“The name needs to be witty. Like Vitamin Sea.”
“Why would we call it Vitamin Sea?”
“I’m not saying we call it Vitamin Sea, I’m saying it has to be a play on words like that. Vitamin Sea would only make sense if we worked in the dietary supplement industry or if the boat was orange. How much would it cost to paint it?”
“We’re not painting the boat orange, Holly.”
“Fine. We have enough work to do on it before we can take it to the lake anyway. All the cabin upholstery needs to be replaced and it needs to be cleaned from top to bottom. It’s disgusting.”
“It is a bit of a bushpig... actually, that would...”
“We’re not calling it Bushpig.”
“Why n
ot?”
“It’s a derogatory Australian term for an ugly woman.”
“No it isn’t, it’s a derogatory Australian term for a fat, dirty, ugly woman. It’s funny and appropriate.”
“It’s sexist and cruel. And stupid. Come on everyone, let’s go for a ride on Bushpig. All aboard Bushpig!”
“So Bushpig it is then.”
“We’re not calling it Bushpig.”
When we made it home, around 2am, we realized we hadn’t taken the height of the trailer into account and Bushpig was three-feet taller than our garage door. At 33 feet in length, we couldn’t leave it in the driveway as it stuck out onto the road, and we couldn’t park it on the street as we have no on-street parking.
“We could try letting some of the air out of the tires.”
“What good would that do, Holly?”
“I saw a show on HGTV where a couple bought a tiny home that they could tow around and they came to a low bridge and couldn’t fit under it so they let some air out of the tires and were able to fit under easily.”
