It was pretty late by the time everyone started to trickle out of the house. Emma wanted to stay behind and help clean up, but there wasn't much to clean except a few plates. I told her to go home and I would take care of it.
She hesitated, looking between me and Merrick before she relented. "Thank you for taking such good care of my boy, Grace. I knew you were someone special. Just stick with him, okay?"
I found the request extremely odd, especially for someone like Emma Thatcher. Knowing it had something to do with what I overheard that morning, I let it go.
"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Emma," I confessed, then absently added, "Not unless Merrick wants me to."
She glanced over my shoulder and I followed her gaze. Merrick was standing behind me when I spoke and he didn't look too happy about what he heard.
"What makes you think that would ever happen?" he grumbled.
Emma smiled sweetly, but her voice was saturated with sarcasm, clearly scolding her son when she said, "I just can't imagine what would make her think that, Merrick. Sounds like you two need to clear some things up."
That made his mouth snap shut and I couldn't have loved the woman more.
We said our goodbyes, then it was just me and Merrick. I was nervous. I didn't know when it would happen, but I knew something would.
I started scrubbing the dishes and humming to myself, trying to maintain the contentment of the night. A minute later, Merrick's arms came around my waist, startling me.
"You're stealthy."
"Of course I am. I'm like a cat."
I smiled, loving the feel of his arms around me. He kissed my neck, sending tingles down my spine. His hands moved to my hips and he pressed his hardness against me.
The plate in my hand went tumbling into the sink and I closed my eyes. I never thought it was even possible to feel like this. Loving someone so much and feeling such passion for them that it makes everything else fade.
Merrick continued to kiss my neck, licking and nipping while turning me into a heaping pile of mush.
"I need you, Grace. I need to feel you, be inside of you."
He pressed against me again, making me moan and press back.
"Fuck, I can't wait."
He spun me around, crushing his lips to mine and spreading his fingers over my ass. He dug in and lifted me to wrap around his hips. Stepping to the side, he roughly dropped me onto the counter. My fingers found the waistband of his jeans just beneath that hard stomach. I curled my fingers inside while his hands roamed my body, kneading in those places that drove me wild.
I couldn't get enough of him, not when everything about him exuded strength. His chest, his stomach, that V at his hips. The scars that covered his left side did nothing but make me want him more. When his hands covered my breasts, I didn't hold back the whimper, wanting more but not sure how to get it.
"You need me, too, Grace?" he said, gruffly. "I'll take care of you. I promise."
His hands dropped to my thighs, sliding inward until he touched my center, massaging me until my hips thrust wildly against his hand. I fumbled with the button on his jeans and suddenly I was on my feet again, unsteady and panting. He made quick work of my shirt and pants, then lifted me back to the counter, removing my panties in the process. His hand came back to where I needed it most and when his fingers found my center, I cried out. "Merrick, please."
He pushed a finger inside of me, setting my skin on fire while he dropped his lips to my chest.
"So wet for me."
Seconds later, he was positioning himself and surging forward.
It was like finally coming home. This connection was like nothing else in the world. Of that, I was completely sure.
"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" Merrick rumbled in my ear. He drew me closer to the edge of the counter, sinking deeper. When he was fully seated inside me, he stopped. "Tell me you know," he whispered.
I knew. I knew he loved me. I felt it every day. Those days without him, however, made me doubt.
"Merrick."
He dropped his face to my neck. "You have to know, Grace. I can't do this without you, so you have to make sure you know."
I closed my eyes, a sigh leaving my lips when he pushed forward. His tongue slid over my skin and it didn't matter what I knew, I wouldn't have been able to tell him anyway.
"Do I need to show you again?" he demanded.
He started to retreat. My eyes popped open in a panic while my legs tightened around him, refusing to let him leave my body. He was too strong. Suddenly, he stepped back from the counter and took me with him. The second my feet hit the floor, he spun me away from him.
A hand pressed at the center of my back, pushing my chest down to the counter while his other hand pulled my hips back. I lost my breath, heat claiming my cheeks when that hand sank between my legs. Back and forth, he touched me with a purpose.
"Oh, God."
"I enjoy showing you, baby, but I need you to really understand."
Understand what?
I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. Not when his talented fingers kept me on the edge. Without warning, he pulled his hand away.
"No."
"I can't wait," Merrick confessed, then slammed into me from behind.
"Yes!" I shouted.
He took me hard against the counter, supporting me with a hand cupped over my breast, controlling every movement.
It didn't take long at all. He'd barely gotten started when I threw my head back and cried out his name. His answering gasp told me he was right behind me. "Grace."
He spread himself over my back, kissing my neck tenderly while we both caught our breath.
"I love you," he breathed. "Don't forget that."
***
We eventually ended up in bed, me sprawled out over Merrick's chest while he quietly caressed my skin. It didn't take long before he slid down the bed and circled his arms around my waist. I closed my eyes as he tucked his face against my neck, giving me a quick kiss before settling in.
"I could stay here forever, you know that? Right here," he sighed, nuzzling my neck.
I reached over and combed my fingers through his thick hair, feeling the vibration from that delighted hum against my skin. "It would get awfully boring, wouldn't it?"
He shook his head, pulling me impossibly closer. "No. It's safe here. No decisions to be made, no stress or worry. Just safe."
His breath tickled my skin, sending a shiver over my body. He burrowed in deeper. I wanted to stop time. Just stay right in that moment and forget the rest. He was right. It was safe.
But my curiosity wouldn't let it go. "Will you talk to me now, Merrick? I know something's going on."
He sighed and kissed the sensitive spot where my neck and shoulder meet. When he pulled back, I slid down to eye level with him. Those bright blue eyes took my breath away. Even broken, they were one of the most striking things about him.
"I'm sorry, Grace. I was confused and scared, I didn't want to bring that on you," he began. "Everything happened all at once and it just overwhelmed me. There were things I needed to take care of before I made a decision and one of them was seeing Ryan."
"I understand, Merrick. I was worried about you, though."
"I know, baby. But you've got to realize that worrying about me won't make things easier for either one of us."
"You're right," I whispered, chagrined. I was disappointed in myself for not trusting him enough. He loved me.
"Doesn't mean I shouldn't have talked to you, though, and I'm sorry for that," he reassured.
"Does that mean you're going to finally tell me?"
He rolled onto his back, bringing me with him. His hold around me was tighter than normal, almost like he was scared I might run away. That didn't help my already frayed nerves.
"Your dad had some surprising news for me."
"Are you okay? Is it bad?"
He chuckled, kissing the top of my head. "Not bad, just unexpected." He drew in a
long breath, tickling the top of my head when he blew it out. "He said there's a chance I might be able to see again."
"What?" I exclaimed, pushing myself to sit up so I could see his face. I wasn't expecting that at all. "Really? How?"
He raised his hand to my face, fumbling for a second until he was cupping my jaw. "My left eye is hopeless. I already know that, but he said a more complex cataract surgery on the right eye is a possibility. And the odds are pretty good."
"Merrick. That's incredible!" I said, a beaming smile on my face, ignoring the niggling feeling of nervousness at the thought of him actually seeing me.
"Yeah, it is," he replied, a little dejected and maybe even a little frightened. "What do I have to lose, right?"
My smile faded as I got a good look at his expression. There was something wrong. "What is it?"
"I don't know. I can't figure out why the decision is so difficult. I mean, I should have said yes right away."
"You didn't?"
He shook his head slowly. "I needed to think."
Completely reasonable when I thought about it. How does one suddenly make a decision like that when the chances had been so impossible before? Then again, this was Merrick. Since the very beginning, he felt so much anger about not having his sight. I never would have guessed he wouldn't immediately say yes to the surgery.
"I don't understand."
"The odds are good, Grace, but they aren't certain. What happens if it doesn't work?"
I sat there, just blinking. Confused. "Is that what you're really afraid of?"
He lifted his shoulder in a half shrug.
"Is that why you didn't tell me?"
His hand dropped away from mine and rubbed down his face. "I didn't want you to have hope when it isn't a for sure thing, but I couldn't keep it from you forever. I just didn't know how to say it or if you would even understand why I can't decide."
"Is it worth the chance for you? The possibility that you might see again."
He shrugged. "I just don't want anything to change."
My heart started to race, all those insecurities I locked away breaking out. "What would change?"
He didn't answer for a long moment, his expression blank. His eyes normally made an attempt to point toward me, always trying to find me in that darkness he said was always there.
But for the first time in a long time, he actually moved them away from me.
"Merrick, what would change?" I demanded, my chest tightening with emotion. That empty pit in my stomach was growing every second that past without an answer.
"Me. You. I don't know. Everything."
I sat up all the way, hugging my legs to my chest as I scanned his expression, searching for the actual answer. Then it hit me.
"Do you honestly think it matters to me whether you are blind or not?"
He frowned, lines forming between his brow and his eyes coming back to where I was sitting. "Doesn't it?"
"No, it doesn't."
After that whole episode in the kitchen – reminding me that he loved me, that he wanted me – he actually had the nerve to forget how I felt.
"Merrick. I'm with you because I love you."
"What if things change? What if I have to fight through all the shit I've overcome these past few months?"
"Then I'll be here. Yeah, it'll be hard, but that's what this is all about. I wouldn't leave just because things got tough."
"But what if, Grace?"
Why was he arguing with me about it? Didn't he know I loved him? That I would stand by him no matter what? Unless ... unless it wasn't me he was talking about.
Suddenly, the whole idea of what happened in that kitchen made me nauseous.
"Are you saying ... Merrick, are you suggesting that things might change for you?"
"No," he emphasized, then paused, his brow furrowed with uncertainty. "I don't know."
It was a direct blow to the chest. I thought he was different. I thought he wouldn't let anything come between us, not after everything we'd fought through together. All the shit I went through with Jason came swiftly crashing back into my mind. Clanging around every memory until the only option was to believe that it was happening again.
All the effort to tell myself otherwise no longer mattered.
How quickly it happens. The hurt from the past rising up to take control. It wasn't because I was weak, just human.
"I see," I said, deadpan.
"Grace, that came out wrong. I'm not saying anything will change for me, I just don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't want you to get hurt because I–"
"Stop. Please. I don't want to hear anymore," I interjected.
"Grace–"
"No, I get it."
"No, you don't." He started to sit up, reaching for me, but I was already off the bed. "Where the hell are you going?"
I shoved my legs into my pants and yanked my shirt over my head. "I need to go."
"What? Why? Come back here and let's talk about this. You misunderstood."
"Maybe, but I still need a minute to think."
He was scooting to the edge of the bed, his muscles flexing like they always did, distracting me from my eminent escape.
I turned and hurried to the door.
"Grace, stop! Please."
I didn't. I made it out into the hall and almost fell over from the dizziness swarming my head. I leaned against the wall and took a few deep breaths. His steps followed me and I glanced back to see him reach for the door frame. He wasn't paying attention to his steps so he couldn't find it and he ended up catching his foot on the edge.
I wanted to cry. This was just cruel. Leaving like this. But if I didn't leave now, I'd end up right back in a place I didn't want to be.
I continued down the hall only to stop when he shouted. "Damn it, Grace, will you just listen to me? I can't chase you, but I'll fucking try."
I turned to face him. He stood in his doorway, clad only in his underwear, that glorious chest heaving and the worry on his face clouding his features. When he didn't hear me move, he stepped forward.
I took a step back and that super hearing of his caught it and made him freeze.
"Baby, don't do this."
I sucked in a breath, holding back the damn tears that were begging to fall. "I'm sorry, Merrick. You needed a few days to think and you got them. It's my turn."
"Why won't you listen to me?"
"Because I already know what's going to happen!" I screamed.
"Really? You think I'm anything like that fucker?"
I refused to answer that because I knew he wasn't, but it didn't change the fear I had that he would be. Eventually.
"Maybe that's what the problem actually is, then. Maybe it's you with all the issues. Not me," he snapped.
Another blow to the chest.
"You're right, Merrick. It is me. So, maybe you should just let me go before you get stuck with a head case."
He flinched, as if I had physically slapped him across the face. Then his expression twisted, pained and full of regret."This isn't over, Grace. Not by a long shot."
I wanted to believe him, but after the hurtful things we had just said to each other, I couldn't. People changed all the time. They changed their minds, their beliefs, and they were unpredictable. Life was unpredictable. That's what made it so difficult to survive without a scratch on the surface. Or even deeper.
I spun away, steadying myself when the lightheadedness took over. The enormity of what just happened didn't actually hit me until I'd made it to Keara's, twenty minutes later.
That's when the tears rushed out and my chest cracked open.
My best friend opened the door to find me on my knees, gasping for air that just wouldn't come.
"Grace!"
Her arms came around me as I buried my face in her shoulder, immediately soaking her shirt with unending tears.
"Oh, God. Please tell me you're okay, sweetie."
I shook my head and let out another sob.
; "Merrick called me," she whispered.
That just made it worse, because that's when I knew ...
I was the one that had changed in a matter of seconds.
Chapter Twenty
Merrick
I had somehow fucked up and there was no way for me to fix things. Not when Grace refused to answer any of my calls. I spent three days trying to reach her, but no one could help me. Or they just wouldn't.
I couldn't control anything anymore. I was miserable and desperate one minute, then moody and abrasive the next. By day three, the numbness had taken over. Then, without warning, regret and shame.
I replayed our conversation, over and over again. To anyone listening in, it was clear that Grace had misunderstood me and she was too upset to give me a chance to explain. But I didn't blame her.
When she asked if I was worried that things would change for me, I immediately said no. Then, something came over me and I really couldn't be sure. I don't know. It came out of my mouth so damn fast, I had no chance of stopping it.
I didn't know if things would change for me, but those things had nothing to do with Grace. It was me I was worried about. Whether or not I would regress back to the pitiful excuse I was before. I was scared that everything I had worked for, would just disappear in a heartbeat.
And suddenly, being in the dark this whole time, didn't seem so bad.
What I should have said ... it doesn't matter anymore because she wouldn't let me say it.
I got angry again, careless. I drank anything I could get my hands on, then when I couldn't even hold myself up, I promised myself I'd fix it.
Grace stayed away. The only person that had seen her was Mom and she didn't think she would be able to help without making it worse.
No, I needed to do this myself. I needed to show her how sorry I was for even thinking that she was the problem. It was a moment of insecurity and impulsiveness, and I didn't mean it.
But it was too late.
Her father called me on day four and asked if I had made my decision. He didn't bring Grace up and when I tried to, he knocked it down.
"These things have a way of working themselves out, son. Plus, we're men. We're allowed a free pass now and then, you'll see."
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