His hand is on my lower back, and I’m trying not to read into it. I’m trying to tell myself that tonight means nothing, but it isn’t true. Tonight changes everything for me. Despite the way it’s ending, a huge part of me wishes the hours we spent together meant the same thing to Maddox. I’m torn in a way that makes me feel dizzy.
He opens the cab door for me, and I let myself swoon a little. When my subconscious tries to remind me of what I saw in the bathroom, I ignore it.
I peer up at him and his fingers reach out to touch mine. It’s tentative, like a first kiss. A graze, a touch, hesitant and then more sure until we’re holding hands and I’m still flourishing and perishing.
We’re right back where it all started, and it’s as hot as it was the first time. Fantasy Maddox was perfect. But real-life Maddox is erasing him from my thoughts. I am no longer fascinated with the idea of what Maddox could do. I am deeply invested in what he will do. The man who made dreams a reality and took an uneventful Friday night and made it the best night ever.
The carousel that is my life stops…and Maddox climbs aboard.
I can see his smile from the corner of my eye as we ride along, and each time we pass under a streetlight, it confirms that sweet crooked stretch of pleasure.
We reach my apartment, and it would be so easy to climb out and keep his hand in mine. I sit back, not ready to get out yet, and run my free hand through my hair with a sigh. Then I look at him.
“Well, aren’t you fucking gorgeous,” he says breathlessly, and I know I’m the daisy blooming before him and maybe he’s thinking that I’m somebody.
But I’m somebody to me. I always have been. If I let him upstairs, I’ll only be somebody for a few hours and it would be so fun. It would be…truly amazing, but I’m content with what we’ve experienced. It’s safe and I can’t afford to be careless with my heart. For once, we are in sync and I grab onto his hand. Only, I can’t quite hold on.
“Thank you,” I whisper, both for the compliment and for the company. Mostly for the company because, even though those words are everything I’ve wanted to hear, I’m not sure if he’s telling me for the right reasons.
He leans in. I let him. Then I slide out of the cab, my hand instantly missing the warmth of his. He finally held on and I was the one to let go.
I hand the driver enough cash to cover both of our fares, and then I turn to enter my warm apartment building. This warmth isn’t as personal, but I know it won’t leave me after it’s gotten what it wants. Maybe Maddox won’t be that way with me, but I can’t risk finding out because once I let my heart free, it won’t be easy to put it back inside its cage.
As soon as I get inside my apartment, Holly walks out of his room in his underwear, scratching his chest.
“Have fun?”
I lean my head against the wall, slipping my heels from my feet.
“Too much,” I say with a smile before walking toward my room.
He grins.
“Doesn’t seem like a bad thing.”
I open my mouth to tell him about the best night ever followed by the condom I found in the bathroom and the maybe imagined almost kiss when there’s a knock at the door. Holly is standing right beside it, so he opens it and Maddox looks a little dumbfounded at the sight of nearly naked Hollis.
“I—uh…sorry. I assumed you were alone.” He shoots me a confused look. “I just, uh…you forgot this.” He holds out the flash drive with our song…my song on it. Holly grabs it and tosses it to me and by the time I make it to the door, Maddox is already walking away.
I poke my head out and see him push the button for the elevator. It enters my mind that maybe I should go after him and explain that Holly is my roommate and best friend and nothing more.
But, why? Just like he owes me nothing, I owe him nothing. I step back and close the door. The flash drive is digging in my palm, I’m holding it so hard. I want to chuck it but I know it holds something magical, so I take off my coat on my way to my room and toss the flash drive on my nightstand.
I shower and get ready for bed, but I can’t stop thinking about that stupid piece of plastic. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I turn on my stomach and try to quiet my mind but when it seems obvious that isn’t going to work, I turn on my lamp and grab my laptop. The flash drive is mocking me from its place on my nightstand, and I snatch it up like what’s on it is the reason I can’t sleep.
The song is only partly at fault for my insomnia. I lean over the edge of the bed to get my headphones from my purse. I’m still sifting around when I see something that makes my fingers still.
A flash drive, similar to the one I’m about to plug into my laptop. I grab it and sit up, holding the two drives side by side. Sure enough, they’re identical.
Did Maddox mistakenly give me his copy, or was he looking for a reason to come up?
While I boot up my laptop, save the song to my media library, and transfer it to my iPod, I’m thinking about it. I spend the early morning with my earbuds in my ear and the song on repeat. I look at my iPod as it plays. The song’s title mocks me, bringing me back to that moment when Maddox threatened to ask me what my secret was.
You. That was my secret.
“You.” That was the title of our song.
Chapter 10
Saturday afternoon is terrible to me. It comes barreling in like an unwanted guest, reminding me of last night’s adventures, and while in retrospect it was better than I could’ve hoped, it ended on an awkward note. One that left me not wanting to attend Asa’s release party tonight. But Holly bursts through the door as if he knows I’ve just come back to life.
“I hope you’re not thinking about bailing tonight.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, my face stuffed in my pillow so the words come out muffled.
“Let’s pretend you’re talking to someone who knows you well. You woke up and remembered last night, which I’m still a little clueless on, and you’re dreading Asa’s party because of it. But—this is a huge point here—you brought that album to life. Asa demanded to work with you. You not going is you not being acknowledged for all of your hard work.”
I pick my head up and try not to throw something at him.
“He invited me for drinks, we went to a gay club, had cake at a diner, and then I wrote my first song ever, recorded it with him in his tiny but beautiful apartment, but I found a used condom in his bathroom, and then he kinda tried to kiss me.”
Holly’s mouth hangs open.
“When I told you to bust out of your shell, I meant baby steps. Used condoms and duets? Were you roofied last night?”
“Ha ha,” I say into my pillow.
“He tried to kiss you, eh?” I hear the smirk in his voice.
I shake my head, my pillow moving with my face.
“He leaned in. I left.”
Somehow Holly hears what I said.
“Help me understand why you wouldn’t let the guy you’ve been lusting over kiss you.”
I sit up and throw my pillow at him when he points at my hair and laughs. It’s clear sleep time is over.
“Because of the used condom! Because of the women. I don’t want to be them, Holly.” I hug my knees. “I guess I want more than just a few hours.”
“So you assumed that if he kissed you, he’d just want in your pants and that’s it?”
I don’t say anything.
“Again…I wonder if you’re protecting yourself or if you want to be alone forever.”
I don’t answer because I wouldn’t know how to begin responding to that.
“What are you wearing tonight?” he asks, saving me from figuring out what to say next.
“I was thinking of going shopping. Wanna come?”
He shakes his head and holds up his hands.
“Count me out. You know I hate shopping.”
“Probably the only gay man in all of New York to say that.”
“Nah,” he says as he leaves. “They just don’t have the nerve
to tell the rest of the world.”
I flop back on the bed. I’m not ready to face Maddox. I’m foolish enough to hope he doesn’t show, but I know he takes his job seriously so I’d be surprised if I didn’t see him. I get up and inspect my closet for the perfectly professional dress to wear.
It’s time to get a hold of the rest of my life after the best night of my life.
I’m fashionably late to Asa’s shindig. Not only was traffic insane but I took extra care with my appearance tonight. The white pencil dress I found in my closet is simple, but I feel like a powerful woman in it. My hair is in a messy fishtail braid and my heels are extra high. I check my coat and enter the main floor alone.
The music is loud as I make my way toward the VIP section, and the people all dance like they’re waiting for the end of the night. It isn’t the same as the club the night before, but I still get that sense of animal magnetism being in charge. I’m probably the only one going home alone. I’ll probably be the only one to leave early. I search the place for Holly, and sure enough, he’s at the bar with a man who oddly resembles Daniel Radcliffe.
“Emerson!” I hear someone yell, and I turn to find the owner of the voice. Asa. She’s dressed to kill, and I don’t bother comparing my plain dress to her elaborate one. This is her event and her album. She’s front and center and I’m behind the scenes where I feel comfortable. I certainly don’t feel comfortable in these expensive heels, but I have to look like I belong here. I straighten and smile because too many lights are flashing for me to feel comfortable letting my resting bitch face take control.
“Congratulations,” I say as we do that fake cheek kissing thing that people love to do.
“We both know this album would be nowhere near its current state if you weren’t around to lend your ear.” I tug at my lobe at the mention of it. The diamond there is appropriate, but I wish for the silver music note studs I almost put on instead.
“It was nothing,” I manage to tell her before she shakes her head.
“Your father told me you’re a big fan of mine.” She holds both of my hands.
I nod, holding my smile.
“I am.”
I am…going to kill Dustin Kingsley.
“Well, I’m a fan of yours.” She hugs me and I’m too stunned to do anything but exist in her arms for the stretch of time until she lets go. When she does, her eyes zero in on someone behind me. I turn and find myself face to face with Maddox.
Did you use the flash drive as an excuse to come upstairs? I want to ask him but I don’t. Instead, I look down at the floor and then back at Asa.
“I’ve seen you somewhere before. What’s your name?” Asa asks him.
While I’m personally okay with not looking like Asa, I still have enough pride to get away from her before Maddox can see the glaring difference between the two of us.
“Excuse me,” I say, and I walk toward the bar, hoping Holly has had his fill of The Boy Who Lived. Before I make it to him, I hear my father.
“There’s my girl!” He’s wearing a suit, and though I’m a few inches taller than him in my heels, he stands regally.
I smile and hug him tight. I don’t realize how much I’ve been missing him until I’m holding him. It’s strange that I saw more of him when I didn’t work for him full-time.
“Hey, dad.” My clutch is tucked under my arm and he turns me with a whistle.
“You are stunning,” he says before pulling me in for another hug.
“You’re biased.”
“He’s right,” Maddox says, coming up beside him, and I’m feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole at the sight of him. Maddox and I aren’t going to ever fit or hold onto each other, no matter how many times the moment is right. Still, I smile and thank him. I look around and rock a little on my heels to the music.
“Let me get you a drink,” my father offers and I shake my head. I wasn’t hungover this morning, but I’m definitely not in the mood to drink again. Standing in such close proximity to Maddox in his suit and bowtie is getting me loopy enough. His brown eyes sparkle with a secret smile, and I want to run away from him.
Did you use the flash drive as a reason to come upstairs? Still I don’t ask aloud, though it’s on the tip of my tongue. I swallow the question down.
“I won’t be staying long,” I tell them and Maddox frowns. “I just wanted to make sure I showed my face and gave Asa my support, especially since we worked so closely on this project.”
“Everything all right?” Maddox asks.
My father asks, “What’s going on?”
“I expect this from Maddox but from you, dad? You know parties aren’t my thing.”
I rub my finger over my lobe and Maddox watches my movement. Because he notices, I drop my hand quickly.
“That’s true,” my father agrees, disgruntled. “I don’t know how she’s going to manage the company if she doesn’t go out and enjoy herself more.” He’s talking to Maddox, but Maddox isn’t looking at him.
“I’m sure she can be persuaded,” Maddox says, and my face flushes.
Those eyes are determined to stare me out of my panties.
“Well, it’s a little stuffy in here. I’m gonna get some air,” I tell them before excusing myself and walking away. As I pass a man with a tray of pre-poured champagne, I grab a flute and down it. Maybe that’ll help keep the question down. I drop off the glass on a table near the door.
I take the elevator to the top floor and get out my keys. The Kingsley building is so different when it’s empty and dark. I unlock the door to the rooftop and step outside, sure to prop a loose brick in the door so it doesn’t close.
Hearing the sounds of the city from all the way up here makes me feel like I’m watching everyone’s stories simultaneously, in a way that makes me distantly connected to all of them.
“It’s nice up here.” I don’t know why I’m not shocked to hear his voice or to know he’s up here with me. I’m up so high that I feel safe from him, like he can’t affect me, but I know that isn’t true. Is he learning that it isn’t true as well?
“You may not have been following me before, but I won’t believe you if you tell me you didn’t follow me up here now,” I tell Maddox. Why is he so determined to unnerve me? Is this a game to him?
“I did follow you up here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” But, why? Of course, of course, I don’t ask.
“I’m fine,” I tell him, rubbing my hands over my bare arms.
“I saw Hollis. He was, uh…getting pretty comfortable with a man downstairs. Is it safe to say the two of you aren’t an item?” His voice sounds closer and I’m already near the edge. There’s nowhere to run, but I roll my eyes because I know he can’t see me.
“I never said we were an item,” I tell him, my back still turned to him.
“But you never told me you weren’t either.” A lie by omission is still a lie. I know it.
“I’m having the hardest time understanding why any of this is your business.” My voice is getting louder, so I bite my bottom lip to keep from continuing. It’s the closest thing I’m going to get to actually asking him why he’s up here and why he came back upstairs last night to bring me his copy of our song. My song, I correct myself.
“Then let me enlighten you: you run away from me whenever I’m near you, you don’t talk to me. We spent last night together and now you’re back to running—”
“Because you make me want to rip my hair out.” Oh, the truth is trickling out, but that slow leak is about to crash around the both of us if Maddox doesn’t shut his mouth.
“Why? I haven’t done anything to you,” he says, his voice sounding exasperated. I’m done with the dishonesty and the withholding and the running and the loneliness.
“You ask me about company policy so you can sleep with my employees and…forgive me if I’m not keen on feeling undesired. I avoid you because I hate seeing you being you. Instead of you being with me.” I slap my hands over my mouth
but it’s too late. The words are out there and the sound of them still play in my head…feeling undesired…instead of you being with me. I can nearly see them wrapped in my exhales, and I wish I could grab them and grind them under my heels.
I can’t look at him. I remove my pumps, ignoring the gritty feel of the surface beneath my feet, and I’m ready to run. I’m ready to never come back like the coward I vowed to never be.
“I’m so sorry,” I sob out. I push him away and when I try to run, he grabs my arm but I keep my head ducked.
“Emerson!”
I can’t look at him. I can’t open my eyes. I’m mortified. He lets my arm go, and after a moment, I open my eyes to see him sitting on an elevated portion of the roof. At some point, he untied his bowtie and he’s breathing the way they do in movies when things get passionate; heavy like something is weighing on his chest. It takes me a moment to realize I’m breathing like that too.
“You left before I had a chance to tell you that I hoped company policy wasn’t strict because…” he lowers his head and the ends of his bowtie dip down as well. Then he’s looking up and his eyes are on mine like he’s been looking for me. “Because I think you’re too beautiful to pretend to be invisible.”
My heels feel heavy in my hand, and I wonder why he’s telling me something that sounds so perfect. Something I couldn’t have even dreamed. I take my thumb and forefinger and I squeeze at the flesh of my arm.
“Did you just pinch yourself ?”
I nod.
He stands.
I pinch myself again.
“Stop pinching yourself, Emerson,” he says quietly as he walks toward me. My heart is beating so fast, it feels like the monster is going to burst free from my chest. And once it’s out….
He’s in front of me. I can smell him and I know I’m not dreaming.
“Don’t take me home,” I whisper as he leans in. His lips are so close. He has me in his arms and I can’t believe how easy this feels. I could meet him the rest of the way and know what it feels like to kiss a dream.
“Why not?” he asks, almost as if he’s asking my lips. I smell the cinnamon on his breath and I forget where we are.
The Sound of Serendipity Page 9
