by Chris Taylor
“I’m sorry, Hannah. I’m so, so sorry…”
* * *
Seated beside her niece’s hospital bed, Chanel took Cassie’s hand in hers and squeezed it. The warmth and healthy color of the girl’s skin was reassuring and Chanel swallowed a sigh of relief. The doctors had given her niece a good report. They were confident they’d reversed the effects of the drugs. The alcohol in her system was also diminishing with every passing hour.
Chanel checked the monitor beside Cassie’s bed and was relieved to see her vital signs were back within the normal range. A moment later, the girl stirred and her eyelids fluttered open. She frowned up at Chanel, as if trying to place her.
“Aunty…Chanel? Is that you? Where am I? What are you doing here?”
Chanel shook her head and bit her lip on a surge of emotion. They’d come so close to losing her and her niece had no idea. Drawing in a fortifying breath, Chanel plastered an encouraging smile on her face.
“Cassie, honey, you’re in the hospital. I-I found you at home in your bed. You were unconscious, but you’re fine now.”
A frown marred the perfect, smooth skin of Cassie’s forehead. “Unconscious? Are you sure? I didn’t have that much to drink.”
“Yes, honey. I’m sure. It wasn’t the quantity of alcohol you consumed. Mixing the alcohol with the drugs caused the problem. I’m just glad I found you before it was too late.”
“Too late? As in…I could have died?”
“Yes, you could have. But let’s not think about that. We got you to the hospital in time and they’ve done what needed to be done to save you. I was lucky that I could tell them exactly what you’d taken. I found the bottles and pills in your room.”
Cassie drew in a deep breath and let it out on a sigh. Tears of remorse filled her big blue eyes. “Oh, God! What are my mom and dad going to say? I’m sorry, Aunty Chanel. I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to start on that stuff. It’s just that, there’s been so much crap going on in my life lately, I thought I’d escape it for a while.”
Chanel pulled her chair up closer to the bed. “Is it because of what happened to your mom and dad? Is that what you’re talking about?”
Cassie lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “That’s part of it.”
“Well, I’m not sure if Grandma told you, but your mom and dad are fine. Your mom’s awake and talking. They’ve moved her out of the ICU. Your dad had his operation and all went well with him, too. He’s being released from hospital now. They’re going to be fine. They’ll be home soon and you won’t have anything to worry about.”
Cassie nodded. “That’s good news, Aunty Chanel. That’s really good news.” She looked away, but not before Chanel caught the shimmer of fresh tears in her eyes.
“That’s not all that’s going on, is it?” Chanel hoped her gentle tone would coax something more from her niece.
Cassie shook her head in a jerky motion and swiped at her tears. Chanel reached for her hand and held it tightly.
“Talk to me, honey. What else has got you down? Tell me what’s bothering you. Who knows, maybe I can help?”
Cassie looked up and her eyes flashed with pain. “No one can help. I should know. I’ve had plenty of people try. Mom and Dad spent a fortune on psychologists and counselors and self-help books full of positive acclamations. I lost count of all the people I talked to and all those who tried to help. They can’t help. No one can. I’m going to live with what that man did to me for the rest of my life.”
Chanel recalled the horrific events of a few years ago and suddenly understood. A feeling of uselessness flooded through her veins. What Cassie said was true. She’d probably never forget the trauma she’d been subjected to. Chanel couldn’t imagine the terror the girl must have felt.
“I’m…I’m sorry, Cassie. I wish like hell there was some other way I could help you.”
“Like I said, no one can help me.”
The desolation in Cassie’s voice tore strips right off Chanel’s heart. Fury at the man who had caused it burned through her. It was just as well James Gibbons was still locked up in jail. The way Chanel felt in that moment, she could tear him limb from limb.
She prided herself on being a non-violent person, but the way she felt about child predators negated all that. They were the lowest form of life and she’d gladly vote to see them executed. No good could come from a society that believed in keeping them alive. It was a shame the politicians and civil rights activists didn’t see it that way, but that’s the way it was.
As if able to read her thoughts, Cassie rolled over in the bed and turned to face the wall. Chanel felt her rejection like an arrow through the heart. Her niece had been waiting for an answer, some hope that she could cling to, reassurance that she was wrong—that she would get over the shocking events of her childhood, that one day, things would be better.
But Chanel didn’t have the words and couldn’t give the reassurances. She clenched her jaw in frustration and her heart ached. She wished her sister, Josie, were here. Josie was a child psychologist. She had a PhD. She’d know what to say to help Cassie, to bring a smile back to her face.
But Josie wasn’t here yet, and Cassie was crying out for help. Chanel had to do something, say something that would bring her niece even a modicum of hope.
“I understand the ghosts of your past and how they might still be tormenting you, but honey, drinking and using drugs aren’t going to make them go away. Okay, the therapy didn’t work out so well, but it doesn’t mean we give up. It just means we have to work harder at finding a solution that will help you heal.”
Cassie ignored her for long moments and Chanel began to despair. She couldn’t force the girl to talk or to concede that it was worth trying something else. Then Cassie moved and Chanel eased out her breath. A moment later, her niece’s shoulders shook on a heartrending sob.
“I’m sorry, Aunty Chanel. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. No, that’s not right. I knew exactly what I was thinking. I wanted a way to escape the pain, blur the memories that just won’t go away. It started out with just the alcohol, but when Mom got shot and then Dad got sick…
“A boy from school offered me some pills. He said I’d float on a cloud so high, nothing would feel bad ever again. I wanted so much to believe him. I tried it and he was right. What he didn’t tell me was that the feeling wouldn’t last long enough and things would go back right to what they were.”
“Honey, I don’t need to tell you how dangerous it is taking speed. You don’t have a clue who’s made it and what they’ve put in it. I hear horror stories from the police about ecstasy tablets that are filled with paint thinners, acetate, rat poisoning and a heap of other toxic chemicals. Combine that with alcohol and there’s a real possibility you’ll wind up dead. It could have happened this morning if I hadn’t stopped by.”
Chanel stared hard at her niece and tried to make her understand. “Is that what you want, Cassie? To swallow a handful of pills and never wake up? Because it can happen. It does happen. More often than you think.”
The girl was sobbing loudly now and Chanel’s heart clenched with pain. The tough love lecture might have been warranted, but it hurt her to do it just the same.
“S-sometimes I do, Aunty Chanel. Sometimes that’s exactly what I want.”
Chanel cried out in shock and dragged Cassie into her arms. Her niece’s sobs grew desperate and hot tears ran down Chanel’s cheeks. Her beautiful niece had lost all hope and was hurting way down deep inside. Despite all the years of therapy, she still had moments that were of darkest black.
The knowledge was polarizing and so very sad. Somehow, somewhere every one of them had failed the young girl in her arms. They loved her, they wanted to help her, they’d found people she could talk to, but it hadn’t solved the problem.
They had to try harder, find better therapists, never give up until they knew for sure it was done—that Cassie, their beautiful niece, daughter and granddaughter was in a truly happy place. C
hanel wasn’t a trained psychologist and she couldn’t know for sure if it were even possible, but she was going to try her utmost to bring peace back into Cassie’s life.
“Please, honey, don’t cry. It’s going to be all right. You’ll see. You’re surrounded by people who love you and we are all going to fight to the death for your happiness. Aunty Josie will be here soon and she’ll do everything she can to help you through this. We all will.”
Cassie lifted her tear-stained face, her eyes red and puffy. “Do you really mean it?”
“You’d better believe it.”
* * *
Lily was still a patient in the hospital when Brady Sutton was laid to rest. The media had been on a feeding frenzy from the moment the news broke. They’d called her phone incessantly and had even tried to steal into her room. She was more than grateful for the vigilant hospital staff and their keen-eyed security.
The piranhas of the media all wanted the same thing: a sound bite for their news bulletin. She didn’t know what they expected of her, but she’d be damned if she’d give them anything. The knowledge of Brady’s death, and the fact he’d been bullied by his mates right under her nose, left a hole deep down inside her and it didn’t matter that he’d been the one who had nearly taken her life.
He was a child, a boy of eleven. What did he know of the world? She still hadn’t gotten all the details as to why it had happened, but the Brady she’d known for years hadn’t been an evil child.
And Hannah. Poor, Hannah. How was she to cope with the loss of her only child? While Lily could still recall how she’d felt when her stepbrother had kidnapped Cassie, she hadn’t had to deal with the realization her baby was never coming back. It was too much to ask of any mother and she prayed desperately that God would be there to comfort Hannah in these darkest of hours.
Tom and Cassie and Joe had attended the funeral and all three had been quiet and grim when they visited her later in the hospital. Lily was especially pleased to see her daughter up and about. She hadn’t wanted Cassie to go to the funeral, but the girl had insisted, saying she wanted to show Ms Sutton her support. It was what Lily would have done had she been able and Lily had been proud that her daughter had found the courage to attend. There hadn’t been an opportunity for Lily to have the heart to heart discussion with Cassie that was long overdue, but as soon as she was home again, she’d make sure it happened.
A nurse pushed open the door to Lily’s room and ducked her head inside. “Lily, you have a visitor. She says her name’s Hannah Sutton. I just wanted to check to see if it was okay before I send her in.”
Lily’s heart skipped a beat and then took off at a run. It had been three days since the funeral. Along with Tom and the kids attending the service, she’d arranged to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to Hannah’s house, but she hadn’t spoken to her since the morning she’d found out about the tragedy.
Now, she didn’t know if she was ready to face her friend, here in the hospital bed, with nowhere to hide. She didn’t know what to say to a woman who’d lost everything. Aware the nurse was waiting for her answer, Lily bit her lip and nodded.
“Please, send her in.”
A short while later, Hannah walked slowly into the room. Bent over like an old woman, her hair was scraped back into a messy ponytail and her face was devoid of makeup. She seemed to have aged two decades since Lily had last seen her. Her dark-colored jacket and matching skirt hung off her frame and only added to the somber mood.
“Lily, thank you for seeing me.”
The husky voice, rough with emotion barely sounded like the voice of her friend. Lily held a hand up to her mouth and tried not to show her shock.
“Hannah, I didn’t expect you to come and visit. It’s the last thing you should be concerned about. After all that’s happened…”
Hannah made a sound in the back of her throat that could have been a gasp or a sob. “I wasn’t sure if you’d see me. After what my son did to you, I’m probably the last person you want to see.”
Lily gasped in shock, unable to believe for an instant Hannah would think she’d feel that way. She said as much, her voice rising to keep up with her disbelief.
“How could you think such a thing? We’ve been friends for years! What happened wasn’t your fault. It had nothing to do with you.”
“But it did. That’s where you’re wrong. It had everything to do with me. If I’d listened to my son when he told me—no, begged me to do something about Ian Little and the other boys who were giving him grief, he’d have never gotten to the point where he thought the only solution was for him to sort it out with a gun. So, you see. It was all my fault.”
Hannah’s breath came fast and tears poured down her cheeks. Lily cried out against her friend’s pain and for everything both of them had lost. At least Lily still had her life intact and that of her family’s. Hannah’s life would never be the same again.
Struggling to sit up in the hospital bed, Lily reached out for her friend. With a cry, Hannah closed the distance between them and together they clung to one another and sobbed. It was a long time later when Hannah pulled away and searched in her handbag for a tissue. After she’d wiped at her tears and blown her nose, she looked at Lily again.
“I’ve put in my resignation. I-I can’t go back there again.”
“Oh, Hannah!” Lily protested. “That job means the world to you and you’re so good at it. Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. I’m very sure. I can’t imagine ever wanting to step foot inside a class room again. I failed my son in his hour of need. It’s not something I’ll ever forget. I don’t want there to be a next time when I let somebody down. I can’t take the risk.”
“Give it time. Take an extended leave of absence. I’m sure the administration will understand. You might feel differently a little further down the track. Promise me you won’t make any hasty decisions.”
Hannah merely shook her head. “I’m not going to feel any differently about returning to the schoolyard. I’ve made my decision. I’m not going back.”
Lily’s heart ached for her friend, but there was nothing else she could do.
“I’ve put the house on the market and moved in with my sister. She lives in the western suburbs with her husband and three kids. It’s not ideal and hopefully it won’t be forever. I’ve spoken to Colin. I told him I’ve filed for divorce. I need to bring this whole chapter of my life to an end. I can’t bear to think about it another minute. As soon as the house sells, I’ll move on.”
“Where?” Lily asked, her voice gentle.
Hannah grimaced. “I don’t know yet, but that doesn’t worry me. I need to get out of Sydney, away from the memories. Every time I close my eyes, I see my baby hanging there…” Her voice broke on another heartbreaking sob.
“He’s crying out for me to help him, Lily. When I reach him and try to pull him down, it’s too late. It’s too late…”
Fresh tears flooded Lily’s eyes and she reached for Hannah once again, silently cursing her injuries that kept her confined to the bed. Her friend cried like her heart had broken in two and would never be whole again. Lily cried quietly with her. She’d never felt so helpless.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Chatswood—present day
Lily sank into her favorite leather armchair that stood in its usual position in her comfortable living room and let out a sigh of relief. After four long weeks in a hospital bed, it was heaven to be finally home. The kids had returned to school and Tom’s parents had returned home amidst a flurry of love and gratitude. Tom hovered nearby, an expression of concern on his face as he made sure she had everything she needed.
“Here’s an extra cushion for your back,” he said, pushing one gently in behind her. “And here’s the TV remote and the one for Foxtel. I’m not sure if there’s anything decent to watch, but you might find something. Now, can I get you a cup of coffee, or would you prefer a cool drink? It’s damned hot out there today.”
Lily smile
d and reached out for him. She caught his forearm and tightened her fingers. Hard muscles bunched and flexed in response.
“Tom, I’m fine. Please, stop fussing about me like I’m a child. If I weren’t well enough to come home, the doctors wouldn’t have discharged me. I’m happy here, beyond content, back in my own house. I’ll never underestimate the absolute gloriousness of being home again.” She smiled to soften her words and was pleased when he smiled back.
Bending low, he kissed her gently on her lips. In what seemed like seconds, heat ignited between them and Lily pressed herself as close as she could get. She let out a sound of frustration when her position in the chair limited her in her quest. It had been so long since she’d felt his arms around her and even longer since they’d made love. Tom groaned and tried to pull away. Lily only tightened her hold.
“Babe, I’m not sure that the doctor had this in mind when he discharged you. He gave me explicit instructions to make sure you take it easy.”
“Mm, you’re right. Let’s take this upstairs. That will make it much easier.” She reached up and tugged his soft earlobe into her mouth. Years of togetherness meant that she knew exactly how to drive him wild. The guttural sound he made deep in the back of his throat was heavy with desire.
Releasing his ear, she nibbled her way down the side of his neck. Tom’s next groan was laced with impatience.
“Let’s go upstairs so we can finish this in comfort,” she murmured, persisting with her sensual torment.
With one swift movement, Tom bent and scooped her up in his arms. His mouth met hers in a scorching kiss that sent her heart racing and made her ravenous for more. With her arms draped around his neck, she tortured him with kisses all over his face. Eventually, she fused her mouth to his and didn’t come up for air until he kicked open their bedroom door.
