"Always, although I have managed to come up with ways to handle my nerves. When I first started out, it used to tear me down completely. The fear was insane."
"What did you do to fix it?"
"I thought of the worst moment in my life and just let it sink in me. Wash over me, really. I sat there in this shitty memory from my past and felt the fear from it. And then I began to grapple with it and fight with it. Instead of running from those emotions, I faced them head on and used them to my advantage . I fought my fear and I won. Now when I think of that memory, I feel in control of it. I take the essence of it and apply it to the auditions."
"Wow," I breathe. "That's impressive."
I wish I could do something like that. But anytime I let myself go back to that moment with my pregnant belly and Robbs looming over me, my entire brain shuts down. I don't think I could live in that moment. Going through it once was enough.
"It is terrible at first. But the power you get from it and the ability to put other aspects in control of your life is awesome."
I study Kathy, feeling curious. I realize that even though we live together, the two of us have been so wrapped up in our own lives that I don't even know a lot of what makes Kathy tick. I make myself a promise to find out more once this audition is over.
We pull into the same building as before. I brace myself and follow Kathy inside the first floor. A couple of other girls I recognize from the first audition head toward the elevator. I wonder how many out of the fifty original girls they have called back.
"Jenny!"
I turn around to see Jon over in a corner by the window, waving me over.
"I'll wait for you upstairs," Kathy replies tactfully. Before I can stop her, she darts off toward the elevator.
Knowing I can't avoid Jon anymore, I walk over to him. He has bags under his eyes and looks as if he has dressed in a hurry.
"I have to hurry. My audition is soon."
"I know. But I need to talk to you about what happened."
"Why? I know everything already. Listen, I'm probably going to try to find another agent."
Jon's eyes widen in surprise. "Jenny, please don't be rash."
"I'm not. I just don't feel like having a person represent me who tried to make their ex-girlfriend jealous."
Surprise flickers over his face and Jon suddenly laughs. "Jenny, you think?? Oh my god, I can't believe you think I was trying to make Kathy jealous."
His laughter pisses me off. I bristle and turn to leave.
"Glad you find it funny. Let me know how the audition goes, okay?"
"No, Jenny, I'm sorry, wait!"
But I ignore him and head toward the elevator. My heart pounds in my chest and it isn't because of the upcoming audition. I am shaken by how strongly I felt when I saw him. Yes, Jon laughing as if I am stupid and na?ve has rubbed me the wrong way. But just seeing him again has dragged up my feelings for him. I hate myself for it. He doesn't feel the same. I have Rich. What is wrong with me? Why do I always get hung up on bad men?
The elevator doors open, and I decide I need to try to calm myself and focus. Not because I am going to have a panic attack, like that time at the grocery store that feels like centuries ago, but just because I want to make sure I'm not going to take this bad energy into the audition with me. I turn down a small hallway and head toward the ladies' restroom. At the same time, someone comes out of the men's room. I realize it is Rich.
"Jenny. Hey, the auditions start soon."
"Yeah, just have to use the restroom," I reply, pointing to the door.
"Well, it's great seeing you again. I had a great time last night."
I try not to blush and look over my shoulder. I don't want a bunch of people hearing that I slept with Rich last night and knowing he's partially involved with casting. Rich notices and he laughs.
"Jenny, I wouldn't worry about that. Everyone on the casting team knows they're doing me a solid."
I blink. "What?"
Rich shifts and lowers his voice. "You know, getting you a callback because of our status."
"What?" I repeat, feeling like an idiot.
"You know." He motions between the two of us. "Anyway, I'm sure you'll be great."
"Wait," I say slowly. "Are you saying they didn't want to call me back originally?"
"I just suggested they give you a callback. They were worried about your inexperience, but you take direction great. They could mold you. Anyway, I gotta go. Talk to you later."
Rich moves past me and heads down the hall. I watch him go, all my confidence drained. I did only get the callback because I'm seeing Rich. Another thought strikes me. Would I have even had a chance at all if I didn't get involved with him?
Eyes filling with tears, I slam my way into the restroom.
Chapter Thirteen
For the first time since I moved to Hollywood, I want to go back home. I don't want to stay here anymore. Despair clings to me as I sit in the stall, staring at the door. Confusion reigns inside of me. Part of me wants to blow off the audition completely. Another part of me wants to go in there and nail it. Show them that even if Rich did have hand in getting me a second audition, I deserve that spot.
I can't shake the thought that Rich has gotten me the callback because I slept with him. Kathy has told me multiple times that Hollywood is all about who you know and your connections. But I don't want to be known as the girl who has slept around for a spot on a fucking soap opera.
I close my eyes, feeling the familiar surge of anxiety rise in me. The whole thing with Jon still has me rattled. Seeing him today has made me so upset. And then after running into Rich and seeing how casually he tells me that the callback is due to him makes my heart ache.
My phone vibrates in my purse and I slip it out. There is a text from Kathy asking where I am. I bite my bottom lip. I should just do the audition. I put my phone away. Get it over with. I have practiced all weekend. It seems a shame to waste it because of what Rich has said. Then I'll decide if I am moving away afterward.
Taking a shuddering breath and trying to keep my emotions in check, I stand up. I am still going to try my best in this audition. I head out into the hallway and to the waiting room. There are about fifteen other hopefuls waiting, including the woman who looked on the verge of tears the first audition.
Kathy waves me over and I sit down. "Hey, you okay? They already called the first woman in."
"I'm fine," I lie and force a smile. "Just had to calm my nerves."
Kathy relaxes, obviously believing my story, which makes me feel a little better. If I can act well enough to fool Kathy, maybe I'm not as raw and terrible as I think I am. She doesn't ask about Jon, luckily, and instead goes back to reviewing her lines.
This time I am called before her. I give her hand a squeeze and head into the audition room. The same people are there from last time. Amanda gives me a small smile. Rich looks at me as though he doesn't know who I am. What a professional. I try to control my irritation. I am not sure yet if I even have a right to be mad at Rich, who probably just thinks he is helping me out. Think about it after the audition.
I try to block everyone else out. I throw myself into the first scene. The rest of the audition is a blur. I focus only on myself and what emotions I can put into the scene.
When I finish, Mr. Grant scribbles something down on a piece of paper and then looks up at me. "Thank you. That will be all for now."
Everyone has blank faces, including Rich. I leave the room, heading back toward the elevator. My heart is pounding. I have no idea how I did on the audition but I know that I have tried my very best. I have taken my swirling emotions and focused them. I did all I could do, especially given the circumstances. I step into the lobby to wait for Kathy.
***
Finally getting back into the apartment, I let out a sigh. I suddenly feel exhausted. Waiting for Kathy took another hour. I am running on high emotions and want to nap. She looks tired, too.
"How long does it usually t
ake to find out?" I ask her.
"Anywhere from three days to weeks. Not sure. All we can do is wait. I'm sure you did great though."
I fiddle with the skirt I am wearing as I sit down on the couch. "Kathy, can I ask you a question? It isn't about Jon and you," I add quickly when I see her face.
She relaxes a little and sits down. "Sure."
"It's about Rich. I know Jon and Rich had a falling out. But depending on who you ask, you hear different things. I wasn't sure who to listen to."
"I have to admit I didn't interact with Rich a lot. Jon was representing me right around the time Rich was leaving. So I can't really offer much of an unbiased opinion. Just what Jon told me about how he thought Rich took advantage of some of the clients or would have sex with them in exchange for parts."
"Do people really? I mean, do they do that on purpose? Have sex with someone for a part?"
Kathy leans back on the couch. "Oh, yeah. Anything to get ahead in this city," She looks at me. "Why, did Rich tell you he'd get you the soap opera part if you slept with him?"
I shake my head. "No. I guess I'm just a little wary about everything in this town. I'm thinking about maybe moving back home."
Her eyes widen in surprise. "What? Jenny, you can't! You're already doing so well!"
"Things just feel messy. I don't know if this life is for me after all."
Kathy reaches for my hand. "Jenny, I know you went through a lot of pain and torment before you moved out here. You've been doing so well since you got here, truly. If you're upset about Jon, then switch agents. I'll help. But you have talent. It seems like such a shame to leave right now when you seem so focused on things."
She has a point as much as I don't want to admit it. Ever since moving to Hollywood, I haven't been able to think about my previous pain. Seeing a child doesn't bring a panic attack like it did before. Besides some nightmares about Robbs, I have been completely focused on what life is handing out to me.
Kathy goes on, "If you don't want to keep going after acting, then don't. We'll find another job for you. At least think about it."
"I'll think about it," I concede.
Kathy smiles. "Great. I'm so glad. Maybe we'll go do something soon, just the two of us, to relax, okay? We deserve it."
"That sounds nice," I say and I mean it.
After we finish talking, I find myself curling up in bed. My head is ready to burst with so many thoughts. All I want is to sleep for a while.
***
After my nap, I find myself going over my bank account. If I keep slumming it like I am doing and focus on paying the basics, such as rent, I still can only go one more month without any sort of income. If I don't get this role, I will definitely need to get a job on the side.
My phone suddenly goes off. It's Rich. I bite my bottom lip, debate answering it or ignoring it. Finally, I decide to answer. I can't see Rich anymore. I am getting involved with him way too quickly. I don't want to be part of his "girls", getting auditions because of what I do with him.
Rich wants to see me, so I agree to meet him at a coffee shop close by. Kathy is curled up in bed, sleeping off what she calls her "audition hangover". I dress quickly and pull my hair up in a loose ponytail, throwing only a little makeup on. Is this a break-up? I am not sure what to think of it as. I just know I need to get everything back in control.
***
Rich is looking around the coffee shop distastefully when I step inside. It is very small and rundown. Probably not what he is used to in Beverly Hills. As I watch him look at the menu with a frown, I try to think of what I like so much about him. Everything I come up with seems to be linked to superficial things - his looks, his house, his air success. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and go over to him.
"There you are. Have you been here before? They don't even have soy milk," Rich says in a put-off tone, looking back at the menu.
"Yeah, they just sell regular coffee," I reply dryly.
We each order a coffee and sit down at one of the small tables in the back. The place is decorated with things that look like they came from a storage unit. Trip-hop plays over the speakers, giving the entire caf? a sort of dream vibe to it. I find myself enjoying it, even though Rich is hating every second.
"I'm glad you answered my call. I wanted to talk to you about the audition," Rich says as he dumps a sugar packet into his coffee.
"Me, too, actually."
Rich leans forward as if he is going to tell me a secret. "It's between you and Kathy."
I freeze. "What?"
"Yeah, they really loved the passion you brought to the audition. But your friend is polished and really on top of things. They liked that she had experience as well." He shrugs.
"Kathy deserves it," I say automatically.
"Do you really believe that? Listen, they are leaning toward Kathy. But I'd be more prone to helping you out if you, you know?"
I stare at him. "What?"
"If you'd like to come over and spend the night." He raises his eyebrows.
"Are you asking me to sleep with you for the part?" I reply, barely able to keep my voice to a whisper.
"What? Don't tell me you thought the other times were because we had slept together." He waves his hand. "No, I merely helped you out with getting a callback because we were hanging out."
"And what, this is a formal notice?" I reply icily.
"What's the big deal? I thought we had an understanding."
"How the hell did we have an understanding?"
Rich looks surprised. "I showed you around the city. I could tell you wanted to fuck. That's fine, I like throwing girls a bone every now and then." He grins. "But I mean? I just wanted to show you that we were friends with the callback. That wasn't because we slept together."
"But to get the part I have to sleep with you? That's what you're telling me?"
"I just mean I can scratch your back if you scratch mine."
The ice melts and rage overcomes me. Stupid! So stupid to fall for this guy! I stand up, wanting to throw my coffee at him, but he's not worth the effort. I am seeing red. He threw me a bone by fucking me the first time. Gave me the callback because we are "friends". But now if I want the part, I am supposed to sleep with him again?
"And what about the night at your home?" I ask him through clenched teeth.
"Fun between friends. I thought you knew we weren't exclusive."
"I know I was just one of your 'girls'. But I'm not sleeping with you to get a part. You misread everything that happened between us. I slept with you because I liked you. I wasn't expecting you to get a callback for me or do me any favors. And I am not sleeping with you for a role. Go fuck yourself."
I turn sharply on my heel and storm out of the coffee shop. Rich doesn't come after me. I am fuming! I agreed to see Rich to tell him I can't see him anymore. Instead, he tries to get me to fuck him for a soap opera role. My knuckles are turning white from my angry fists. Kathy deserves that role. If it comes down between sleeping with Rich to get it and Kathy getting it, then she needs to get that role.
I have taken care of Rich, even if it was in a way I hated. I am going to lose the soap opera role, which means I am going to need find a job soon and fast. Next, I have to figure out how to handle seeing Jon. He is still my agent. Do I want to keep him as an agent? Will I be able to move on from my feelings with him?
I decide I will give him a call.
***
Jon agrees to meet me at the cheap taco shop across the street from the apartment.
"Traffic is brutal today so I'll come to you to make things easier. I'm about to leave the office anyway," he says on the phone.
I have agreed because I feel that I may have been too rash with him the last time we had spoken. And with Rich being an absolute asshole, how can things get worse today? No, better to clear the air with Jon and see if I need a new agent.
I head over to the small taco shop. I can see Jon already inside, drinking a soda. He looks out the window and w
aves when he sees me. I step inside.
"Hey. I was waiting for you before I ordered anything," Jon says as he stands up, making his way to the counter.
As we order our food, I look at him out of the corner of my eye. Jon is wearing his glasses and just a T-shirt and jeans. I have never seen him look so casual before. He looks incredibly handsome. My chest tightens when I think about how I had been falling for him before everything had gotten so messy.
Once we get our food and sit down in the booth, Jon speaks first.
"I'm glad you called me. I feel like our wires have been crossed since the night we went to the restaurant down the street. I hadn't meant for things to happen like that."
"I could have handled it better myself," I admit. "Not been so hard on you and listened to you. I cut you off in the lobby, too. I shouldn't have."
"I understand why you did though. I know you overheard? Kathy and me talking about our past."
"I lost my cool. Completely. It was lame of me. What you went through with Kathy is your own past. Not mine."
"Right." Jon shifts in his seat. "But the other thing I said? about how I have no feelings for you?," Jon's voice almost trails off as he's gathering his thoughts.
Did I read everything wrong? I think to myself. I mean, I used to think that I could read guys pretty well. But I could have just fucked it all up.
"I just said that because Kathy had been so upset about me moving on from her. I just tried to diffuse the situation, and I handled it terribly. I'm sorry."
I peer up at him, my heart starting to beat quickly. "Does this mean that you're? you're saying you were lying?"
For the first time ever, I see Jon blush. "I was lying. I am interested in you. I have a great time with you. I want to see this how far it goes."
Relief sweeps through me. Jon is interested in me. I haven't misread the signs. I smile at him.
"That's great," I breathe. "I'm happy to hear that."
"You're??"
"Interested? Yes. I still am interested."
Jon smiles and crams his mouth full of a bite from his burrito to try to hide it. When he swallows, he looks thoughtful.
"I probably shouldn't be your agent anymore. Conflict of interest."
"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing."
"We'll see what happens with this soap opera audition and then go from there."
Part of me wants to tell Jon what has happened with Rich. But at the last second, I change my mind. I feel stupid to tell him that I haven't listened to his warnings about Rich and had fallen into his arms not once, but twice. How could I have been blinded by someone like Rich? After what I have gone through with Paul and Robbs, I hoped I would avoid this sort of shit forever.
Star Bright - Book 1 Page 8
