But on Wednesday he caught her at last. She was leaving the biology lab. He waited for her at the door. She couldn’t escape.
He took her by one arm and steered her into a corner. “Hey,” he said. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I know,” she said. “Where’ve you been?”
He half-smiled. “Is everything okay?”
“Sure,” she said, too chicken to be honest. “Of course. What do you mean?” On mean her voice rose to a suspiciously nervous squeak.
“You’ve been kind of distant lately,” Stephen said. “Never home when I call, never around at school… Almost as if you’re avoiding me.”
“I’ve been busy, that’s all,” she said. “So many tests and things…”
“Well, I was just wondering if anything was up,” Stephen said. His calmness, his patience, were heartbreaking.
“Nothing’s up. Really.” If she were going to tell him anything, she wouldn’t do it there, in the school hallway, in the middle of the day. She didn’t want a public scene, and he wouldn’t appreciate it either.
“Listen,” he said. “I don’t know what’s going on. But I’ve got a funny feeling. So I just wanted to tell you that if you don’t want to go to the dance with me anymore, that’s okay. I’ll understand. Just tell me so I’ll know.”
The dance… a complicated issue. Ever since the big kiss, Mads had been waiting for Sean to come back for more. And she was hoping he’d ask her to the dance. But as of now he was going to the dance with Holly. Would he break up with Holly in order to take Mads? Maybe, maybe not. If not, Mads still wanted to go with Stephen. She still wanted a date. But what if Sean asked her? Then she’d have to break it off with Stephen… Her head was spinning. Too many ifs.
I should tell him, she thought. So he can ask someone else to the Hap if he wants.
But standing in front of him, looking at his face, she just couldn’t do it. I’m the biggest chickenhearted loser who ever lived, she thought, her spirit fading.
“Everything is okay,” she told him. “I still want to go to the dance with you. Of course I do.”
“Good,” he said. But she could see in his face that he didn’t quite believe her.
19 Bitter Clarity
* * *
To: linaonme
From: your daily horoscope
HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CANCER: Your life is full of poetry. Really bad poetry.
* * *
Bitter Clarity
I offered you my blood,
My heart, my lungs, my liver,
Everything inside me,
My guts a churning river.
We could have freed our minds
We could go joyfully crazy
Feel our way through the fog
Making it even more hazy.
But you refused.
How can you turn away a soul?
You must be ice inside, or stone,
Or all dried up and used.
You could have had all this:
My world of pain,
My sodden brain,
My days of weeping in the rain.
Instead you chose to keep me sane
And leave a stain.
“It’s beautiful,” Lina said. “So intense.”
“I know,” Ramona said.
“Who wrote it?” Lina asked. Though she knew the answer very well.
“Rex,” Ramona said.
With a little help from me, Lina thought. She almost wished she could confess to Ramona, just to show her that she could write self-indulgent poetry as well as anybody.
Lina sat in the office of the Inchworm, watching Ramona put together the next issue. Ramona sifted through a pile of recently submitted stories and poems. Lina had found “Bitter Clarity” on top of the stack.
She’d convinced Rex to submit a poem and helped him write it. She thought Ramona was jealous enough now to respond.
“It’s about me, isn’t it?” Lina said.
“Are you crazy?” Ramona said. “It’s obviously about me. Did you refuse him? No. Did he offer you his lungs, liver, et cetra? I don’t think so.”
“I thought he liked me. But I guess he never got over you.”
“I told you, no one ever does,” Ramona said.
“Are you going to publish it?” Lina asked.
“I’m deciding,” Ramona said.
“If you publish it, does that mean you love it?” Lina said.
“It means I think it has some kind of merit,” Ramona said. “That’s all.”
“Come on,” Lina said. “You’re not telling the truth. This poem is your taste exactly. Admit you love it.”
“No.”
“Admit it,” Lina said. “Or I’ll—I’ll burn it. No, I’ll flush it down the toilet.”
“I’m sure Rex could just print out another copy,” Ramona said.
“But you’d have to go ask him for it,” Lina said. “Which would be admitting you like it. And you don’t want to do that.”
Ramona said nothing.
“That would shift the whole balance of power between you,” Lina said. “And you don’t want to do that, do you? Because you like to make him suffer.”
“He’s not suffering, is he?” Ramona said. “He likes you now—according to you.”
“Only because you won’t have anything to do with him. Come on, Ramona. Don’t you miss having him to kick around?”
She reread the poem out loud. Ramona’s eyes shone.
“Okay, I admit it,” Ramona said. “This poem made me see him differently. And I do miss torturing him.”
“Then do something about it,” Lina said. “Ask him to the Hap.”
“Forget it. I don’t want to go to the stupid Hap. And anyway, I have my pride.”
“You do, too, want to go,” Lina said. “And what about your pride? How can a real poet, someone who spills her guts onto a page and prints it out for the whole world to see, how can she be put off by false pride? You should be above that. False pride keeps you from your real feelings. And isn’t that what being a poet is all about? Getting past the superficial to the real feelings below?”
“What are you, my therapist? You don’t know anything about being a poet.”
“I know this,” Lina said. “If you were a real artist, you’d take risks. You wouldn’t be afraid. You can’t always set yourself above everyone else, making sarcastic remarks from on high. Someday you’re going to have to let yourself be vulnerable. You have to take a chance on getting hurt, or you’ll never really know life, or pain, or death, or all that stuff you’re always writing about. Take a chance, Ramona. Ask Rex to the dance.”
“Ugh,” Ramona grumbled. “You should be on Oprah.”
“See? That’s what I’m talking about,” Lina said. “Instead of addressing the issue, you spit out a quick put-down and hope I’ll shut up.”
“Yes, I do hope you’ll shut up,” Ramona said. “I’ll ask Rex to the dance. Just stop lecturing me.”
Lina grinned. Victory is mine! she thought. No more annoying Rex. She knew better than to gloat in front of Ramona, though. Ramona could take it all back in an instant.
20 The Tater Tot Treaty
* * *
To: hollygolitely
From: your daily horoscope
HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CAPRICORN: You have a friend who cares. Or, as you put it, meddles.
* * *
There’s Mads,” Lina said.
Holly had already spotted her. She and Lina sat on a bench in the courtyard, eating lunch.
Mads had stepped from the cafeteria into the courtyard, lunch in hand, looking for a place to sit. As soon as she saw Mads, Holly looked down at her roast beef sandwich.
“Mads!” Lina waved to her, encouraging her to come sit with them.
Why was she doing that? She knew perfectly well that Holly wanted nothing to do with Mads.
Mads knew it, too. Holly glanced up and saw Mads sussing out the situation. Mads stared longingly at t
hem. She looked sad. She waved at Lina. Then she turned around and went back inside the cafeteria.
“Hol-ly,” Lina said, drawing her name out. Holly knew what was coming. If Holly, Lina, and Mads had been sisters, Holly would have been the bossy oldest, Mads the spoiled youngest, and Lina the peace-loving middle child.
“What?” Holly said grumpily.
“Are you really still angry at Mads?” Lina said.
“Yes,” Holly said.
“Be honest,” Lina said. “Were you actually surprised that something happened between them? You knew how Mads felt about him. And Sean’s not exactly a monk when it comes to girls.”
Holly grimaced. Lina was right. When it came to girls, Holly didn’t put anything past Sean. And when she’d asked for Mads’ blessing to go out with Sean, part of her knew that Mads was just saying it was okay. Mads didn’t mean it; she couldn’t. She was trying to be generous, trying to do the right thing for Holly. But she couldn’t help her feelings. And Holly had known what Mads’ feelings were only too well.
So, yes, Mads had betrayed her. But in a way Holly had betrayed Mads first.
What a mess.
“Let me put it this way,” Lina said. “Do you really, really like Sean? I mean, really like him? So much that you’ll never speak to Mads again?”
This was the real heart of the matter. Holly was losing interest in Sean. She could feel his interest in her draining away, too. They weren’t soul mates; she’d never thought they would be. He was sexy, sure, and an interesting challenge for a while. They had a certain chemistry together. But Holly was no match for his relentless self-interest. In Sean’s eyes, nobody could compete with himself.
Lina didn’t need to hear every thought in Holly’s mind. All she needed to know was this: “You’re right. I don’t like him that much anymore.”
“Then why stay angry with Mads?” Lina said. “Make up with her, Holly. She’s so upset.”
“It’s a matter of principle,” Holly said. But her resistance was weakening. The fight with Mads was pointless. Holly could see that now. And she missed Mads.
“I understand what happened,” Holly said. “Sean is an eye-of-the-hurricane person. He comes through every encounter unscathed but leaves a trail of destruction in his wake.”
“Mads is probably sitting alone in the cafeteria, picking at her Tater Tots,” Lina said. “You two could be friends again by the end of lunch period.”
“I do kind of miss the little squirt,” Holly said. She got up and took her sandwich into the lunchroom.
She found Mads sitting alone, just as Lina had predicted. Holly sat down across from her.
“Hi,” Holly said.
“Hi,” Mads said. She pushed her plate toward Holly. “Tater Tot?”
“No thanks,” Holly said. “Listen, Mads—I still don’t like it that you kissed Sean while I was going out with him. You know that was wrong, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Mads said. “I really do. Really really really.”
“Okay. As long as that’s clear,” Holly said. “I’m going to break up with him.”
“You are?”
Holly nodded. “He can be fun, but he’s not the guy for me. He’s too… all over the place. So even though you were totally wrong to let him kiss you”—she gave Mads a fierce look to let her know that nothing like that had better happen ever again—“I care about you more than him. So I forgive you. I want to be friends again.”
Mads beamed. “I’m so glad! I’m so glad! I’m so glad!”
“You said that.”
“It was so horrible when you wouldn’t speak to me,” Mads said. “I felt like somebody was choking me. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t sleep. I felt so guilty. And I missed you so much!”
“I missed you, too,” Holly said. “I hate fighting. And I think we were tearing poor Lina in half.”
“Yeah, she hates being caught in the middle,” Mads said.
The bell rang. Lunch period was over. Mads and Holly gathered their half-eaten lunches and dumped them into the trash.
“When are you going to talk to Sean?” Mads asked.
“I guess I’ll try to catch him before swim practice,” Holly said. “Wish me luck.”
“Good luck,” Mads said. “But if you dump Sean, who will you go to the dance with?”
“I don’t know,” Holly said.
Sean took the breakup surprisingly well. Maybe it wasn’t so surprising. Holly told him she didn’t want to see him anymore and she didn’t want to go to the dance with him. He looked startled, as if someone had just slapped him. But not too hard. Lightly. He quickly recovered, then looked relieved.
“I’m sorry, Sean,” Holly said. “But you know, you really shouldn’t have kissed my best friend.”
“She told you about that, huh?” Sean said. “I was hoping that wouldn’t get back to you.”
“Well, it did,” Holly said. “You might want to think about your track record a little bit. Getting dumped by two girls in a row—you’re on a losing streak.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t look good, does it?” Sean said. “What am I doing wrong?”
Holly shrugged. “Maybe we girls are starting to catch on to your game.”
“Jeez, I hope not,” Sean said. “I’ve got to go to practice now. Take care of yourself. I’ll see you around. And if you change your mind… you know where to find me.”
“Okay,” Holly said.
He went to swim practice. She watched him walk away. Watching him walk—no one could take that from her. When she thought about it, really, his walk was the best part about him. One of the best parts.
“You don’t need a date,” Lina said. “You can go to the Hap with us.”
Holly, Lina, and Mads went to Vineland after school that day to celebrate their détente. Also to work on the Dating Game—they’d been so busy with all the drama, they were behind on posting Missed Connections ads.
They were getting good feedback on it—several couples who met through Missed Connections were going to the Hap together.
“It might feel weird without a date,” Holly said. “I don’t want to be the fifth wheel.”
“You wouldn’t be,” Mads said. “The girls always dance together, anyway, while the boys just stand around staring at their feet.”
“I guess… .” Holly said, but she didn’t feel very enthusiastic about it. She thought she might just skip the dance this year.
“Holly, did you see this?” Lina asked. “It just came in.” She turned her laptop so Holly could read the screen. A Missed Connections ad. “Someone is looking for you.”
Mads craned her neck to see. “Ooh, who is it?”
I want to go to the Hap with the most unattainable girl in school. And that means you, Holly Anderson. Will you do me the honor? I’m good-looking, a sex god, a great dresser and excellent dancer. Reply to me, Locker #534.
“Locker number five-three-four,” Holly said. “But that’s—”
She looked across the room and saw Sebastiano watching her, laptop open on the table in front of him. He gave her a flirtatious wave.
Holly’s locker number was 533. Sebastiano’s was right next door.
“I’ll be back in a second.” Holly crossed the room and sat down at Sebastiano’s table.
“Don’t make me a four-time loser,” he said. “All the other unattainable girls said no.”
“I’m aware of that,” Holly said. “But for all you know, I’m going to the Hap with Sean.”
“I’m well plugged into the grapevine,” Sebastiano said. “So I Happen to know that you’re dateless. Since that’s a situation that couldn’t possibly last long, I thought I’d grab my chance while the window of opportunity was still open a crack.”
Holly smiled. He was asking as a friend, of course. She understood that.
“We’ll be the coolest couple there,” Sebastiano said. “Even cooler than Sean and whoever he scrounges up, assuming he bothers. And we’ll be the best-dressed. Especially if you let
me advise you on your outfit. You’ll look hot!”
“How can I pass up the chance to be dressed by Monsieur Sebastiano?” Holly said.
“Is that a yes?” Sebastiano asked.
Should she? Should she go for the buddy date? It wouldn’t be romantic, but it would be fun. And no butterflies or complications to worry about.
“Yes,” she said.
“You’ve made me the happiest guy in school,” Sebastiano said. The sweet thing was, he meant it.
21 Head Case
* * *
To: mad4u
From: your daily horoscope
HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: VIRGO: Things are looking up. Or, rather, you should be, because pianos are dropping out of the sky today.
* * *
In spite of the peace, Mads felt guilty. She’d forced Holly into another breakup, right before a big dance. Sure, Holly was happy to go to the dance with Sebastiano, but it wasn’t the same as having a real date—a real date with the cutest boy in the whole school. If it hadn’t been for Mads and the kiss, Holly would have gone to the Hap with Sean. She might have dumped him later, but she’d always have a special memory of that night.
On the other hand… now that Holly had broken up with Sean, he was free to ask another girl to the Hap. And Mads was primed to be that girl. The way she figured it, she was first in line. He’d just kissed her, after all! And she knew he liked her; she could feel it. So when would he ask her? What was taking him so long? Every night she lay in bed, wondering When? When? When? She couldn’t sleep. Her nerves were buzzing.
She’d have to do something about Stephen, of course, once Sean asked her. But until then, she decided to wait. Something told her to be careful and play her cards close to her chest.
To speed things along, she tried to put herself in Sean’s path. After school she sat on a bench between the main school building and the swim center, waiting for Sean to pass. The first day she tried this, he didn’t walk by. She’d missed him. The next day she went a few minutes earlier. It worked. He was walking right toward her. Now.
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