“No!”
I push the back door almost off its hinges and begin to run back up to Pater’s room. Eloy is behind me. I can hear his feet slapping the floor as he desperately tries to keep up with my frantic pace.
And just as I make it to the top landing, I can hear Vaughn let out a pained scream.
I’m too late.
Chapter Seven
I damn near end up barreling through the door, and I would have been successful had Pater not left it open. Instead of entering heroically, I end up stumbling over the surprise of a door slightly ajar and almost fall on my face.
“Are you okay?” I ask Vaughn once I regain my balance.
He glances quickly at Pater and nods. Eloy enters the room behind me and walks toward his brother. They embrace each other as he begins to quietly weep into his arms.
“You’re a man now, kid. Finally got some hair on your balls! How does it feel?” Pater asks him with a wide, shit-eating grin on his face.
I shoot him a dirty look which he chooses to ignore as he sits down on the window ledge. It wouldn’t take much to rid us of this plague. I could run at him and shove him out the window and he would break his neck when he hit the pavement below, but would he die? Would it be enough to kill him?
“Oh, you’ve got that look on your face again, Joce. Thinking of a way to kill me, huh?” he asks with a chuckle as his grin widens, and he crosses his arms over his chest.
Pater has always said that he can read our minds, that he knows what’s in our deepest thoughts, and that there are no secrets we can keep from him. Every time I’ve thought of ending this so far, he’s proven his word on that.
“No,” I reply, letting out a long suffering sigh.
“No...” his voice trails off and he raises an eyebrow. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes so that he doesn’t end up smacking them out of my head.
“No Pater,” I amend through gritted teeth.
“You’re so pretty when you’re behaving,” he remarks in a much softer tone. The way the words slide from his tongue, knowing the venom that he usually spews, doesn’t move a goddamn thing inside of me. To be honest, I think it’s meant to be a compliment, but coming from him it has about the same effect as salt in an open wound.
“Come here, baby girl,” he says, holding a hand out toward me.
I don’t move right away. In fact, I’m hesitant because I don’t know if he plans on throwing me out of the window, like I did him.
“I’m not gonna hurt you, Jocelyn. Come here,” he says again, his tone hardening slightly. I shoot a quick glance at Vaughn and Eloy before I make my way toward him.
I take his hand and allow him to intertwine his fingers with mine as he looks into my eyes. There’s almost a soft calmness to them, like he wants me to learn to trust him. Like he hasn’t spent the entire time here trying to destroy the three of us. Like he’s worth so much more than just being feared.
“Hi,” he whispers softly. I’m afraid for the boys and myself, because I’ve never seen this almost human side of Pater before. He seems more like a man now than someone consumed with being a completely jaded and sick motherfucker.
But what honestly worries me the most is that the way he holds my gaze and gently strokes the top of my hands with his thumbs is causing my body to relax. My guard is going down and I find myself feeling safe for the first time since I’ve been here.
“Hi,” I reply, almost shyly.
Look away, Joce.
I turn my eyes down from his gaze and let out a small, shuddery sigh. I don’t like this feeling, not when there’s so much he needs to be held accountable for. And definitely not when I still have children to protect from his insane Messiah complex.
“I wanna talk to you privately after we’re done here,” he says, pulling me against him and nuzzling my ear with his lips. The stubble makes me shiver slightly and I nod. I feel the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe he’ll let us all go without punishment, but I know better.
He chuckles as he spins my body around, almost in a pirouette, then moves over to sit me next to him on the window.
“Eloy,” he begins in his fatherly tone, “Where were you off to just now?”
“I just wanted to see how fast he could run,” I interject, wringing my hands.
“Let him answer for himself,” Pater says sternly, giving me a side-long glance. I bite my lip and nod, watching the grin return to his face as he looks back at Eloy expectantly.
“I’ve never really been outside by myself,” he replies quietly as he wipes away the last of his tears. “I just wanted to look around.”
“And you encouraged that, huh? Damn,” Pater asks, shaking his head slightly as he looks at me, the grin slowly starting to fade. “I expected better from you.”
I’ve disappointed him and it cuts me deeply that he’s suggested as much. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be his fucking slave, and I don’t want the boys to be harmed, but to know that I’ve disappointed him completely decimates the little bit of hope I have left.
“Alright, well,” he says, as he gets to his feet, “I’m not going to do anything to you tonight, boy. You can go back down to your room and you can fucking stay there until I decide I want to see your face again.”
Eloy lets out a sound of relief that resembles something like another strangled sob, and Pater sighs loudly.
“Stop fucking crying already!” he shouts at Eloy as he quickly makes his escape from the room.
“He’s just a child,” I say quietly.
“Jocelyn, I’m trying really hard right now, so shut your fucking mouth,” Pater barks at me. “You - get out. I’ll come talk to you later about something. You get to bear the brunt of the bullshit these two tried to pull,” he says to Vaughn as he nods toward the door.
I can see the color drain from the older boy’s face, but he nods and leaves, giving me one last glance over his shoulder on the way out.
As soon as Vaughn is gone, Pater walks toward the door and closes it firmly. He lingers there for a moment, his hand on the white wood, and hangs his head. I don’t know what he plans on doing to me, but I have absolutely no problem throwing myself out the window.
“But you won’t, because you won’t leave those boys behind,” he says, straightening himself up and turning to face me. He leans against the door and crosses his arms over his chest, a vacant expression in his eyes.
“How do you do that?” I asked him quietly.
“No questions. Don’t do that. Don’t be a bitch right now, not when I’m trying so hard to be a good man,” he says, shaking his head vehemently.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, for what seems the millionth time in my captivity.
“I’m going to tell you right now that when I’m done with that little shit, you’re going to hate me. More than you already do. And don’t tell me you don’t, because I can see it in your eyes. You’ve been plotting against me for a long time, Jocelyn, but we’ve still got our List of Tasks, don’t we? We have to finish our little game before you decide to get brave enough to make a move against me.”
“I’m not going to,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m not! I wouldn’t!”
“You won’t while they’re still alive. They give you a reason to hold back, but I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want a wife that doesn’t know how to take what she wants. I want you to show me you’re strong enough, that you’re capable of this life. We can always have more kids, but I can’t have another you.”
Pater moves away from the door and walks over to where I’m still sitting. His steps are slow, deliberate, and so fucking enticing.
“Do you really want to die before I’ve had a chance to fill your womb?” he asks in a whisper as he places his hands on my sides. “Don’t you want to know what it’s gonna feel like to grow swollen with my child? Hm? Don’t you want to know what it’s going to feel like when I cut the little bastard out of you?”
“What?” I ask, looking up at him. I couldn’t
have heard him correctly. That’s too sick, even for him.
“The only reason I kept those two around was to see what kind of mother you would be,” he says softly, his lips curling into a smile. “And you’ll be a damn fine one if I do say so myself. We just have to get rid of them, and then we can start over. Just the two of us for a while.”
“Why?” I ask, my voice shaking.
“Because that’s how it’s always been, baby girl. Now when I go visit Vaughn later, I don’t want you to cry or be upset or even think about it. I do want you to take care of another task for me, though. Can you do that for me?”
His breath is hot on my face as he rubs his lips gently against mine, before pulling back and leaning down to look into my face.
“I want you to get rid of Eloy. We don’t need him anymore.”
I let out a shaky breath and choke back my sob. If I do this, it’ll be merciful, I know it will. If I don’t, he’s going to die anyway.
“Yes, Pater,” I agree in a shaky whisper.
Chapter Eight
He looks so peaceful as he sleeps; like a cherub, ignorant of the dangerous plot that’s been laid out behind his back. He doesn’t know that his life is meant to come to an end soon, and I won’t wake him to tell him either.
I gently lay a hand on his leg and his body shivers, but he doesn’t wake up. It’s a natural reaction to being touched in this godforsaken place. You can wince, you can shiver, you can whimper, and you can cry, but you can never say no.
It’s been a couple of hours since I’ve entered the boy’s room, and this is the first time I’ve actually touched him since being here. I’ve only just sat on the edge of his bed, watching his chest rise with each breath he takes in, and lower shakily with each breath he lets out.
To know that I’m here to make sure his breathing comes to an end is more of a psychological pain than anything else, but that’s always been the main point of any game Pater decides to play.
“I’ll either break your mind or I’ll break your spirit, but rest assured that I will fucking break you.”
Those words have never left me. Ever since I ascended, so to speak, to the role of wife and mother, it was a credo he would repeat to me almost daily until I accepted the fact that I would never be able to leave him.
Not on my own terms, at least.
Of course, his warnings have always been sugar coated with assurances that he would never harm me more than I can bear, but what he asks of me now is just too cruel to comprehend.
I hate myself for agreeing to this, but he’ll go much more peacefully at my hands than he would Pater’s.
Leaning forward, I brush his hair out of his face and give him a gentle kiss on his cheek before I reach for one of the pillows on the bed. The one lying next to his head. The one that won’t wake him if I try to pry it out from beneath him. The one I’ll use to steal his last breath.
“Good night, my sweet boy,” I whisper, a tear rolling down my cheek.
With one swift movement, I place the pillow over his head and press down as hard as I can. Since he’s asleep, he’s unaware what’s happening, but it doesn’t take long for his body to react to the lack of oxygen and his will to survive surfaces.
Eloy attempts to fight me off and he’s so valiant in his efforts that I almost stop. But I know this is what Pater wants, and it might spare Vaughn a similar fate, so I get onto the bed and straddle him, pushing down with the weight of my body to hold him in place.
“Please. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Go back to sleep, sweet boy,” I whisper, pushing down harder.
His muffled cries for help are starting to fade, but he’s not resigned to his fate; not yet. He continues to claw at my hands, trying his damnedest to get me to stop.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I manage to choke out as I push down even harder. “Please remember that I love you. Please.”
His body is beginning to relax now and his breaths come in three more heaping gasps before there’s silence. There’s no more fighting, no more hoping that this isn’t really happening to him. And one less son to keep safe.
A wail escapes from deep within me. It’s loud and desperate, and so heartbreaking that when I collapse against Eloy’s lifeless body, I know it will take the strongest of men to pull me off him.
The door opens a moment later and I can hear the heavy footsteps of Pater as he walks toward the bed.
“Come on. Off,” he says quietly as he grips my arms and pries the pillow from my hands. His small act of kindness is to leave it balanced on Eloy’s face so that I don’t have to see what I’ve done to him.
“Alright, stop crying,” he says, as he uses all his strength to pull me off the boy. He struggles a bit and I can attribute that to a mother’s love for her son. For not wanting to be parted from him. Even though it was my own hands that extinguished his life, I felt I needed to still keep him safe from Pater.
“Joce. A little help here. Come on,” he grunts as he gives me one hard, final yank and rips me away from the shell of Eloy.
He envelopes me in his arms and gently places a hand on the back of my head, holding me closely against his body. He’s rocking slowly in an attempt to soothe the pain he’s put me through, but nothing will ever be enough to wash this horrendous misdeed from my hands.
I’ve earned my place in Hell for this and I will gladly burn for as long as I need to purge myself of this sin.
Pater pulls me off the bed and walks us toward the door. He has to use his foot to push it all the way open because he knows that if he lets me go, I’ll attempt to take my life in any way I can.
“Vaughn!” he calls out.
I begin to cry, a brand new cascade of heartache washing over me, as I try to take some comfort in knowing that my oldest child is still alive.
“Yes Pater?” his voice calls out vacantly as he approaches us.
“Take care of that,” he says to him.
I dig my hands into his chest, crumpling his shirt between my fingers. A silent plea to spare Vaughn from having to see his own brother dead, but it will fall on deaf ears. It always does.
“E...Eloy?” Vaughn asks uncertainly, stepping into the room.
“He can’t h...hear you,” Pater mocks. “Now clean this shit up. I’ve gotta take care of your mother. Meet us downstairs when you’re done. And if you try to run,” Pater breaks off with a chuckle, “well. I’m sure you know the price now.”
I pull away from his chest and look at Vaughn through eyes hazed with tears, attempting to catch his glance, but he refuses to look at me.
I don’t blame him.
I’m supposed to be the one keeping them safe, and now he knows I’m just as dangerous as the man keeping us here as his prisoners. And that makes us all as equally responsible for the torments that will unfold next.
Chapter Nine
I’ve fallen into a world of half sleep. A place where Eloy is still alive, but the hand of Pater still keeps me awake as he gently strokes the side of my face, reminding me that the world I’m trying to surrender to is nothing more than a lie.
My head is resting comfortably on Pater’s lap and I can hear him whistling softly. It’s just another ploy to keep me awake, but I don’t want to dream. I honestly don’t want to be in a place where the life I’ve just taken stares at me with damning eyes, asking me why I betrayed him.
It’s a bit of a conundrum, really. To be in the realm of sleep where I can hold Eloy safely in my arms is more of a punishment than anything the man that helped give him life could ever dream of.
Keeping me as awake long as he possibly can helps me hold on to the thin shred of sanity I have left, but I don’t know how much more I can take of these endless games. These Tasks, as he calls them; only two have been accomplished, and I can tell there’s still so much more that needs to be done.
“Took you long enough,” he says quietly.
I don’t attempt to sit up to look at Vaughn. The whole point of him coming into the room
and seeing me in the distress I had left myself in was part of Pater’s plan. He’ll never trust me again, and I can’t fault him for that.
I’d take my own fucking life if it weren’t for Vaughn.
“Sit down,” Pater said to him, still gently stroking my hair. “I’ve got a little job for you.”
“No,” I say softly. It takes every last ounce of energy I have to push myself off Pater’s lap and sit up, but when I look into his eyes, I know that any anger I incur over what I say will be worth it. “No more games. No more tasks. No more jobs. Please, just let this be the end.”
“That’s not how this works and you know it, Joce. It’s what you signed up for and until I say it’s over, we keep going,” he says, shaking his head at me. He turns his gaze back toward Vaughn as he scratches his chin. The gaze isn’t returned; if anything, Vaughn looks like he’s already given up and would happily collapse and die if it were allowed.
“Pater,” I plead, putting a hand on his thigh. “Just me. This can all end right now with just me. I surrender to you. Let the boy go.”
A grin starts to slide over his lips. I used the words he’s been trying to get out of me for so long, and I hope that by giving myself over completely to his fucking whim that it might spare the only child we have left.
“Oh yeah?” he asks, leaning back against the cough. “And all I have to do is let the boy go?”
“Yes,” I say quietly.
I hope that if he agrees to this, one day Vaughn will look back on me as the mother that tried to protect him for as long as I could. Not as the mother who murdered his brother and became no better than the man he fears so much.
“I’ll think about it,” he says brightly, getting to his feet. “Come on, kid. Time to put you to work.”
“Wait!”
I quickly get to my feet and Pater lets out a sigh before pushing me back down.
“Stay,” he commands, holding up one finger. “I’m not gonna hurt him, so I need you to just calm down and stay fucking put. I’ll be back.”
Inferno Page 4
