Ghost in His Eyes

by Carrie Aarons

  Carson swallows, and I watch the motion in his throat. “I miss him too, more than I can even express. But maybe … maybe it’s time we start celebrating who he was in our life rather than grieving about that awful night.”

  I can’t help but choke on the sobs clogging my throat. “I don’t know how.”

  He runs his hand up and down my arm. “Because you’ve never tried.”

  Anger simmers up in me again. “You never tried to come back. You never fought for me. I feel like, after Joel was gone, you abandoned me.”

  He drops my hand then, his face pained. “Don’t you remember our last conversation? You told me you’d never be able to look at me again. You told me to get out of North Carolina and never come back.”

  I slap my hands against my legs. “I was in pain, it was the day after my brother died! I didn’t know what I was saying, how I was lashing out. And you never came back! You just left me, alone here without either of you! What was I supposed to do but dissolve into a shell of a person?”

  Carson pulls his wallet out, searching for something. I wipe my cheeks, a flurry of emotions making my body go hot and cold.

  “I never forgot you. Ever.”

  He holds out a picture, one that is crinkled and worn with age. I take it, blinking away the tears in the corners of my eyes. Staring at it, I realize … it’s us. Carson and I, when we were about sixteen, sitting on the hood of his pickup. I remember the day; it was a Saturday in July just before our junior year of high school. It had been bright and sunny, one of those days that was too perfect for words. We’d spent all day in the water, surfing and playing around.

  “That was the best day,” I whisper, remembering him and Joel trying to show off on their boards.

  “I’ve had that in my wallet since the day it was taken. I look at it every time I open it. I never forgot you, Blake. I never stopped thinking about you. But I couldn’t come back here, not until I was ready. One of us had to be ready.”

  My heart twinges with what feels like … hope. Slowly, with each day of him being here, possibilities opened up. What they were, I wasn’t sure of. But he was, and maybe he was right. One of us had to be.

  “Thank you. Thank you for showing me this. It reminds of the person I once was.”

  He smiles and takes both of my hands in his again. “You still can be, you know.”

  18

  Carson

  On October twenty-third, I usually went to a local bar near my place in Boston and drank myself stupid. This year would be different.

  I pulled up to the dock at six a.m., and it was no wonder that there were already some fisherman here stocking up their boats. One who looked familiar waved, and I waved back.

  When Blake invited me the day of our talk, I had been hesitant. This was her tradition, and we were only just on unsteady, friendly ground. Any little thing could break it apart, causing seismic waves of issues between us again. But she’d promised me she wanted me here.

  So here I was, five days later, walking down the dock to a little crabbing boat called The Tides That Bind.

  Our talk. Jeez, it had come out of nowhere. She’d shown up at the office like a mirage and spilled her soul to me like she owed me an explanation. Blake didn’t, and I’d never ask for one, but I’m glad we’d gotten everything out on the table. That we admitted our mistakes, and that she’d showed me some of her logic for why everything had happened the way it did.

  And now … I was going to move us forward. I was going to be the one who took us from the place of loss and bad memories to … a future.

  “Hi there.” I stand over the boat, a small white contraption with two benches, a motor, and some tackle boxes built in.

  Two pairs of eyes glance up at me, one tentatively happy and the other so surprised she almost topples over into the water.

  “Wha … what? What are you doing here?”

  “Well I guess you didn’t tell her I was back.” I direct this to Blake.

  Her Aunt Carolyn smacks her arm, and I can’t help but chuckle.

  “Don’t laugh, Carson Cole. I’ve been hearing for years that if this girl ever laid eyes on you, she’d skin you alive. You be happy that all your manly parts are still in the correct places. And I’d protect those today if I were you.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle; I didn’t realize just how much I’d missed Carolyn until right now. She was Blake’s father, Patrick’s, little sister, and she’d been around for a lot of our childhood. Fun, spunky and honest … she was just the kind of woman to diffuse the tension on this crabbing trip.

  Apparently, Blake and Carolyn did this every year on Joel’s birthday … which was also Blake’s birthday. It figured that Blake celebrated her deceased twin on her own birthday. Sadness pinged through my chest thinking about how lonely she’s been over the years. Hopefully, I could change that.

  “You’ve been in Boston too long, who knows if you still know how to crab.” Blake is setting up the lines and the bait that we’ll drop into the ocean.

  I step into the boat, setting down the cooler I brought with me. “Oh don’t you ladies worry, I’m still an Outer Banks boy at heart. We’ll see who catches the most crabs.”

  It feels good flirting a little, bantering after all of the fiery words and unspoken thoughts Blake and I had been sharing lately. I can’t believe she blamed herself for the accident, even to this day. The way that Joel died, the way we’d tried to save him … it had all been horrible. I’d had nightmares for years about diving into that bloody, tin tasting water and pulling my best friend out. But I’d finally resolved it within myself that my guilt was unfounded. And now I had to help her do that.

  Once we were all settled, Blake started the motor and the boat slowly sped out into the water. The waves gently clapped against the sides, fish inspecting at the surface. I hadn’t been out on the water in ages, and it felt freeing to be unanchored.

  “So you took over the company?” Carolyn leans over to me, peeking in my cooler and pulling herself out a beer. I take out two more and hand one to Blake.

  She looks so pretty today, with her hair tied up in a red bandana, the blond waves floating in the wind. Every time she turned those blue eyes on me, it was like we were sharing a secret conversation.

  I turn my attention back to Carolyn. “I did … am, slowly but surely. It’s a lot to take on, but it’s fun. I’ve been watching my dad for a lot of years, so hopefully I can live up to what he created.”

  Carolyn nods. “I’m sure you will, you always were the best with animals. I remember you as a kid, running around, spouting facts about the horses.”

  Blake just listens on, and when we reach a spot she’s deemed good, she stops the motor and just stares out at the water. She reaches for Carolyn’s hand, and bows her head. This is clearly an every year prayer, a ritual, and something that I’m not a part of. I look off, trying to respect their privacy.

  After a minute, I feel a warm hand slide into mine, the grip small and hesitant. My eyes shoot down, and I’m a little stunned to see Blake’s fingers lacing through mine.

  “We have a moment of silence first, when we come out here. Honor Joel, say hi. His ashes were spread here.” She explains this to me as chills run through my body.

  I didn’t know any of this. I wasn’t at his funeral, didn’t get a say where his final resting would be. But this … it was absolutely perfect. Joel would have loved to freely float through the water for all of time.

  Bowing my head, my hand connected to hers, I say hi to my old friend. I tell him about the years that have passed, how I’m back now. I tell him that I hope he’s okay with me being here with Blake, if he’d approve of me still loving her.

  Loving her was the fuel in my veins that had driven me the last ten years. I’d never stopped loving her, not for a minute, not for a day.

  “All right, buddy, it’s good to see you. Now let’s crab!” Carolyn breaks our silence, and I’m glad she’s here.

  If it were just Blake and I, w
e would have to wade through the awkwardness of acting a certain way. Honestly, we barely knew each other now. After ten years, we were strangers. Carolyn was helping bridge that gap by offering funny anecdotes and asking questions.

  The morning sun on the water warmed us up, and the crab traps sat in the ocean. We pulled them up every time we got a little bite, collecting the sea animals in our little baskets. I opened my cooler to them, handing out beers every time someone finished. Carolyn told me about her kids, and Blake gushed over her niece and nephew. They talked about trips past, and the time the motor had stalled out a few years ago and they were left stranded until another boat came along. Around noon, I pulled out the sandwiches I’d made on thick Italian rolls.

  “Thanks for providing the food, Carson,” Blake said as she bit into it.

  I nodded, not wanting to overly-acknowledge that she’d just paid me a compliment.

  When I’d showed her the picture in my wallet a week ago, it was to show her that I’d never stopped caring about her. That she was the only girl I’d ever love. I don’t know if she got that message, because she sure wasn’t letting on that she did. Maybe she didn’t feel that way about me anymore. She hadn’t shown any signs that she still did. If I even had a shot, I had to wade carefully into this.

  “So what do you do with them after?” I nod to the crabs we’ve caught.

  Carolyn talks through a mouthful. “Well, we always make crab bisque. And usually with the leftovers, Blake will make this awesome Cajun crab and mayo salad spread.”

  I pat my stomach. “That sounds delicious, I hope I can try both of those.”

  Blake nods. “I think that can be arranged.”

  The boat falls silent for a minute, and I feel like I need to address something.

  “Joel would have loved this. I know you’ve been doing it for years, but … this is really nice. I remember how he used to lay out on his surfboard in the middle of the sea, seeing how far out it would take him. He once told me that in another life, he was a merman. I kind of believed him. Anyway, he would have loved this. And thank you for inviting me to come. It means a lot.”

  They both stare at me, Blake’s eyes a little misty. I wonder, for a second, if she’ll ever look at me again the way she used to. With such adoration, love. A mirror of how my own eyes held her. God, we’d been kids but we had been so in love.

  “Thanks for making an old lady tear up, jeez, Cole.” Carolyn hits me jokingly, and the funny moment breaks up the sad nostalgia.

  After we finish eating, we make quick work of breaking down our set up and heading back towards the dock. I help the ladies out of the boat and we load the crabs into coolers that they prepared before we left. The whole process is seamless, and I admire Blake as she works independently, getting almost everything done by herself.

  She was a vastly different woman than the girl I’d left ten years ago. Sure, she’d always had a mind of her own. But now she was almost … a force to be reckoned with. Blake put out a vibe that she could do things on her own, and damn you if you tried to get in the way or question that.

  But I wanted to be the one who did things for her. “Blake, can I take you home?”

  She looked awkwardly at her aunt. “Well … Aunt Carolyn is staying with me.”

  Carolyn jumps in, shushing her. “Nonsense, I wanted to get in some shopping anyways. You take her home, I’ll take her car.”

  She practically runs away from us, leaving us standing in the parking lot alone.

  “Come on, my car is this way.”

  I help her load the crabs and supplies into my trunk, and then lead her around to the passenger side. “Let me get your door.”

  Opening it, I usher her in as she gives me a strange look. This may be weird, considering this definitely wasn’t a date. But then something else strikes me. Maybe she’s been seeing another man. Has she had other … men since I’ve been away? I could never be mad about that. But still, jealousy rolls through my gut like a riptide.

  The drive to her house is a short one, and we make small talk about the island, any local news I’ve heard in the past few days. Once we arrive in front of her house, I cut the engine and get out to carry everything inside. It feels so different, entering this house now, than it did just a few short weeks ago. Although there still may be some unresolved issues we need to work through, the anger, hurt and grief don’t feel to be between us anymore. The weight that was drowning us alive has been lifted.

  “Do you want … some tea, or I don’t know, a beer?” She shuffles her feet, and I want so badly to back her up against a wall again and put my lips on hers.

  My girl, this woman. She looks so unsure, like a deer caught in headlights.

  But like I promised myself, I won’t push her. Today was a big step for us, and I’m not going to ruin it by overstaying my welcome.

  “I should get going, long day at work tomorrow.” I notice the sigh of relief that blusters through her.

  But I will take one more risk today. Walking towards her, I prepare to touch her skin and do only that. It’s hard for me to fight the urge to wrap myself around her. To explore the woman she’s become.

  “Thank you for inviting me.” I move her body into mine, enveloping her in a hug.

  It’s not a hug though, not for either of us. Blake inhales a sharp breath, and I graze the bare skin of her arms with my fingertips. Up and down, up and down. The embrace is intimate, charged with harnessed sexual energy that I’m trying so hard to rein in. She tucks her head into my chest, and I can’t help but press my lips to the crown of it. Cherry and a flowery scent kiss my nose, and I know I’ll be dreaming about this scent tonight. Blake makes a tiny sound, a grunt of satisfaction or a moan of relief. I don’t want to let go, but I know I have to.

  “I’ll call you this week, okay?” I don’t let go yet.

  She nods into my chest.

  It takes a forklift of energy to unwrap my arms from around her, but I finally do it. If she could take the small step to include me in her birthday, in Joel’s birthday … then I can do this for her.

  I can show her how good we can be, once again.

  19

  Blake

  Everything had been leading to this.

  I looked at myself in the mirror, inspecting my face, memorizing it exactly how it looked in this moment.

  Because mere hours from now, I wouldn't be the same. I would be a woman. I would no longer be a virgin.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I let the idea digest into my nervous stomach. I was about to give my whole self over to Carson. I was about to have sex for the first time.

  Jesus, I was nervous. But also excited. Anticipating what it would feel like, to be swept up in that much love for him. It had happened before, the way we got completely ensnared in each other. We would kiss for hours, or check off some bases that would lead into a whole other realm of touch and sensation.

  I love Carson. I’m in love with him. I trust him completely. But I still have this feeling as I stand looking at myself; the feeling all other girls who are about to do the deed for the first time probably feel. Fragile, innocent. Like in just a few short moments, the girlish wonder and pure naiveté will vanish, leaving me in the adult universe forever.

  Checking my bag, and the time, I tiptoe down the hallway and past the room where my dad sat up watching TV. Who knew where Joel was, probably out partying or getting himself into some sort of mess I’d have to undo soon enough.

  But tonight was mine. Ours. Carson and I had been planning this, how we would meet at our favorite spot. He would bring the condoms, and I would bring the blankets.

  Part of me was expecting that he’d do more. It was our first time after all, and while it only mattered that it was with him, I couldn’t put the girlish fantasies out of my head. I hoped there were candles and roses, music playing and that he researched all of the different techniques to make it hurt less.

  As I left the house, in my typical fashion of the left open basement door, I thou
ght about the pain. It was the thing that kept nagging at my mind, leaving me scared. I was excited about everything else, but the fear of it not feeling good … of me not being good for Carson, well that petrified me. I wanted it to be perfect, like I’d seen in the movies.

  Shit, I was such a girl.

  My heart beats double time with each step I take down our sand road, the blankets in my backpack swishing. It was warm, still September, and I wanted to remember what every breath of air tasted like. Carson and I had talked about it all summer, and I hadn’t been ready. He would get me to a certain point, and I would back off, begging more time. He was always polite, if not bluer than the ocean in the balls. But after school started, and we walked the halls together with all of the other girls looking on as he slung an arm around my shoulder, I knew I was ready. Not just because I was insecure, but because I wanted Carson to be mine in every way possible. And I wanted to be his.

  As I turned the hill towards the Horse Shack, a familiar figure approached from the other side.

  “Hi.” I held him in my gaze, looking as his long, tan body walked confidently toward me.

  Carson Cole was a sight to behold. Lean and tall, with surfer good looks, wavy chocolate hair, and searing eyes to match.

  “I was nervous you wouldn’t come.” He reaches for me, and I go into his arms.

  Tiny waves of warmth and electricity ripple over my skin. “You know, it makes me feel better to know you’re nervous too.”

  He pushes a lock of hair behind my ear. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not sure. You know I’m okay with whatever we choose to do.”

  I gulp, because he’s so perfect. And I know he’s telling the truth. If I told him I didn’t want to have sex until marriage, he would still be here, pushing us to the edge and then backing off.

  “No, I want to. You want to too, right?”

  Carson breathes out, mint fanning my lips as he looks up to the sky. “If I told you how many times I thought about this a day, you’d be embarrassed for me.”