by Aja Cole
“And coming from someone whose parents weren’t so good at the whole, love and support your child thing…it goes a really long way, more than buying them all the right things or putting them in all of the right activities. I had a lot of opportunities and I never wanted for anything…except for it to feel like my parents wanted to be around me.” Yvette smiles sadly, before she perks up again, “For that reason, that’s what I make sure to give my daughter the most…my attention and my time, because those are memories that she’ll have forever.”
Relief flutters through me, along with waves of gratitude.
“Thank you, both of you. I wouldn’t want any other team with me.”
“You’re my fa—”
All of our heads swing towards the door at the light knock. Yvette goes to the door, slipping outside to speak with whoever knocked.
“You ready to check on her heartbeat? Then we’ll talk about a few more things and get you out of here, alright?”
“Sounds good.” I lift my shirt and lean back against the padded seat, just as Yvette pops her head back in.
“Hey, uh, there’s a Jackson asking for you, Nomi? Is he allowed back?”
My head snaps up and I stare at her with wide eyes, that little burrow of hope wiggling it’s stupid way back in. “Yes! Yeah! He is, you can bring him, yeah.” I stumble over the words, clearing my throat. A few moments later, he fills the doorway, hovering there like he’s nervous to step foot in the room.
“Go on, Mr. None of us bite.” Yvette nudges him forward, shooting me a silly, wide-eyed look and wiggling her eyebrows when she’s behind him. I have to press my lips together to stop from laughing when she fans her hand at her face.
“Hey Nomi, sorry I didn’t tell you yes or no. We have morning practice and I didn’t want to say yes if I wasn’t gonna make it at all. Am I too late?” He rubs a hand over the back of his neck, not looking at all like the big, confident guy that I met weeks ago. He looks uncertain and a little out of a place. Yvette rolls another seat to him, and he perches on it gingerly, right next to me.
“No, it’s okay. We’re about to listen to her heartbeat so you’re just in time.”
“Oh okay, good, good.” He rests his elbows on his knees, meeting my eyes. “How are you?”
Evelyn clears her throat with a small smile, and I remember that I’ve never mentioned him to either of them. “I’m fine, and uh, that is Yvette over there, and this is Dr. Kasey, or Evelyn. They’ve been with me every step of the way. Y’all, this is Jackson, her father.”
“Very nice to meet you, Jackson. I hope this isn’t unprofessional, but my husband and I are huge hockey fans and he’s going to be absolutely tickled when I eventually tell him that I met you. And not to worry, I won’t say anything about where I met you.” She rushes to add, glancing between us. “But let’s go ahead and finish up, hm?”
She puts a small amount of clear jelly on my stomach, then places the doppler, moving it around to figure out where the little bit is hiding today.
“That doesn’t hurt her or anything, right? It’s safe?” Jackson asks.
“Perfectly safe, it’s just checking her heartbeat with sound waves.”
“Oh okay, good.” He looks at me suddenly, “Not tryna say you’d do anything unsafe, I just don’t know how this stuff goes, really.”
“It’s fine, Jackson. I know.” I pull at his right hand that’s pulling at threads on his jacket, linking it with mine. He relaxes a little, but still doesn’t lose the small furrow at his temple. “I’m happy you’re here.” I tell him quietly, squeezing lightly.
He squeezes back, “I’m terrified.”
“Me too.”
A fast thud fills the room and Jackson freezes, much like I did the first time I heard her.
“Strong, good rhythm.” Evelyn says. “Everything is on track.”
Jackson blows out an unsteady breath, resting his forehead on our hands.
Poor guy, this must seem absolutely bonkers to him. I bet it’s all the terror and nervousness and uncertainty that I felt when I first found out.
Nearer to the window, Yvette puts a hand over her heart, making a face. I shake my head at her antics as Evelyn wipes off the gel and puts away the doppler.
“Jackson?”
“I’m good, I just…need a second.” He says, not lifting his head.
“We’re gonna step out for a bit, and we’ll come back in a few minutes to talk about delivery, yeah?” Evelyn says, giving me a discreet thumbs up before she leaves. Yvette follows, with her own encouragement before the door closes behind them and Jackson and I are alone.
It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve seen him, in person, that is.
I’ve done plenty googling by now to sate my need to know all the things that I should’ve asked about before. I’ve seen his goalie pictures, calendar pictures, his ex-wife, them together.
It all pales in comparison to him being here right now.
“You okay?”
He rests his chin on our hands, looking up at me.
“It’s just…hard to wrap my head around. New.”
“It’s my first time, too, so I understand.”
“I want to be here, for the rest of these, if that’s okay? I don’t want to smother you or anything, but I…I’d like to be here for the rest of it.”
My heart jumps into my throat.
“So, does that mean…” I trail off, not even really wanting to say the words.
“I’m in this for good, Nomi. I want to do this, with you. For her.”
He hovers his hand over my stomach, like he’s asking for permission. I take it and cover it with my own, both on my stomach. I ignore that he hasn’t said anything about an us, not as more than parents anyway.
“For her.” I echo, because this little human inside me is what matters, more than anything else.
21
Walking out to our cars after the appointment, I stop myself from asking all the things that I want to know. It’s not fair to lay it on him at once or expect anything, as much as it’s taking serious effort to keep my thoughts to myself.
I’m going to blame it on the hormones, not my bad habit of getting really wrapped up in other people.
“I have a game later, but if you have some time, can we go somewhere and talk?”
“My place isn’t too far away. You can follow me there, and I can show you the nursery, too.”
“Oh, I should start setting one up at my place too, right? Damn, I hadn’t even thought of that.”
“Well, we’ve got a little time.”
Jackson opens my door for me and I slip inside gingerly. “Okay, I’m behind you.”
“Great.” He closes the door and I buckle in, starting the car and waiting until he flashes his lights at me to go ahead.
Opening the door to the nursery, I step inside, Jackson behind me.
“So, this is it…I’ve had some stuff delivered, but I was gonna have my family help put it all together. Still deciding on decoration, and what else I should put in here.”
“Have you picked a name?”
“No, nothing has really stood out to me so I just figure I’ll figure it out…eventually.”
“I was just “Baby Smirnov” for a week before my parents decided, so no rush. I have a few to throw into the ring, if that’s okay? Family names.”
“More than okay. I look forward to hearing them.”
Then there’s silence, and you’d think that being pregnant by someone would make it not feel so awkward, but I guess that’s what happens when there’s still a lot to learn about each other.
When the only connection we have is a tiny human and the lust that got us here.
“So…when do you want to tell your family? That she’s mine?”
“What if we just go with the let them think what they want route?”
He gives me a bemused look, and I groan.
“Don’t look at me like that, I just don’t like too many questions.”
&nbs
p; “And you think there won’t be questions when I’m around more? There at the hospital?”
“Maybe they’ll just think we happen to be dating.”
“But we’re not dating, we’re co-parenting.”
“Look at you with new vocabulary, and a boundary.” I raise an eyebrow, knowing we probably can’t avoid talking about it any longer. Maybe it’ll make this awkwardness go away if we get on the same page sooner rather than later.
“You want to get into that now?” He leans back against the wall, crossing those large arms, hazel eyes shuttering.
I lower myself onto the beanbag chair across from him, stretching my legs out in front of me and settling in. “No time like the present, and it sounds like you have thoughts. Be honest with me.”
“Honestly…I’m struggling. I’m having a daughter, okay. But I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that I don’t think you were ever going to tell me or even give me a chance. It’s…fucking with me, because I didn’t expect that from you.”
“You have to understand. You told me yourself that you don't want children, Chris told me you didn’t because apparently, everyones knows. My brother and sister are adopted. I’ve volunteered enough, talked to them enough, saw what happened when Chris wanted to find his birth parents. They wanted nothing to do with him, wouldn’t even speak to him. It gutted him, even having the parents that we do. All he wanted to know was where he came from, and I was just…the thought of you not being able to be in her life, of not wanting to, scared the shit out of me. I decided to keep her, and I was going to live with that decision.”
“And what were you going to tell her, if she ever asked?”
“That I didn’t know who you were. I’d rather her think that I’d had bad judgement than the alternative, knowing who you are and knowing that you didn’t want her.”
He runs a hand over his mouth, pacing a few feet away before he comes back to stand in front of me. “Yeah, I never imagined being a dad. But you didn’t get pregnant on your own. You thought I wouldn’t man up and do the right thing?”
“I don’t want you to do the right thing. I’ve seen how things go left. What, you step up and do the right thing, but your heart’s not in it. You start seeing someone, start forgetting your weekends, think it’s okay to just throw some money our way to make up for breaking promises? But it would be okay, because you’d be doing the right thing. No, if you’re going to be in my kid’s life, then it’s because you want to be; not out of obligation or pride.”
He looks at me like he can’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. “I’m not that kind of guy. I can’t believe you think that.”
“Well I guess I don’t really know, do I? Because we’re practically strangers. All I know is that I thought I was making the best decision I could at the time.” My voice hitches, trembling. “Maybe I was wrong, but I was just working with the information I had. I’m sorry if you feel like you can’t trust me now, but I can’t change the past.”
Jackson turns away, bracing his hands against the wall and dropping his head. He doesn’t say anything, and I look away, because he’s clearly trying to tamp down whatever I’ve brought up for him, and that makes me feel shitty.
“You know, once it sunk in, I just kept thinking…if I had to get anyone pregnant unexpectedly, I’m glad it was you. Just from the little bit that I’ve known you. So, to hear you say that you were so unsure about me that you were never gonna tell me about my kid…it hurts, Nomi.” He still doesn’t face me, and I think I hear a sniff, but I don’t dare go to him, because I’m not sure he’d welcome it. “I think it might hurt more than when I realized my marriage was really over.”
“I’m sorry, Jackson.” I whisper, because what else can I say? “I really am.”
He drops his hands, “Me too, Nomi. Look…I’ll call you later.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
After I lock the door behind him, I plop on the couch, rubbing my hands over my stomach. It’s become a habit now, when I’m feeling anxious or stressed or just…need to remind myself what’s waiting at the end of this.
“You think your Daddy’s gonna forgive me, kid?”
I think she’s getting a nap in until there’s little kicks on the lower right side of my belly. She’s been favoring that area lately.
“Yeah, I hope he does too.”
Now…how the hell do I tell my family the whole truth?
22
Jackson shuts off his truck on the curb at my parents house, before anyone else has gotten here.
We haven’t talked anymore about last week, but we decided to tell my family together. Jackson told his parents over video chat since they’re in Canada, but Thanksgiving is soon and I’ll meet them when they come down.
“I told Chris that I needed to talk to him before dinner, so he’ll be here soon.”
I unbuckle my seatbelt, “How do you think he’s gonna take it?”
“I have no idea, but I want him to hear it from me.”
“I still think that we should both tell him. I’m the pregnant one, after all.”
I have to wait for his response because he jogs around the hood to open my door, helping me down, even though I don’t really need help. I tried the independent route when he wanted to help me get in, and he gave me a look that told me resistance is futile.
“Yeah, but we both know I need to talk to him first. Then we can talk to him together.”
“Whatever you say, macho man.”
“That’s my name, baby, don’t wear it out.”
He realizes the slip up at the same time as I do, and other than the testy glance that we give each other, we pretend that it didn’t happen.
My parents open the door before we even set foot on the porch, with their nosy butts.
From the wide grins on my mom and dad’s faces, you’d think that they just opened the door and found a check waiting for them.
“Hey, Jackson.” They chorus like creepy twins and I just barely stop myself from rolling my eyes, fighting laughter at the same time.
“Mom, Daddy.”
“Hey Mr. and Mrs. Drake, nice to see you again.”
“Oh please, if you’re here about what I think you’re here for, call us Nora and Jim.” My mom says sweetly, stepping back so we can get inside.
Jackson helps me take off my coat and hangs both of ours on the rack, while I slip off my low-heeled boots.
“Oh really? What do you two think you know?” I ask, unnerved to see that my mom’s smile still hasn’t dropped. It’s creepy! We look a lot alike, and it’s like looking at an older version of my face, but stuck in happy mode. Slightly tilted brown eyes, wide noses, and full lips. From my Dad, I got my full face, dimples and small ears.
I wonder what mix of Jackson and I will show up in our little girl.
My Dad looks out the window, “Corie’s here.”
I leave Jackson with my parents and head to the bathroom. She’s starting to press on my bladder and these trips are getting more and more frequent. Frankly, it sucks. I drink one glass of water and you’d think I chugged an entire gallon. From everything I’ve read, I got lucky with not dealing with many changes during my first trimester.
I guess things are about to start getting more uncomfortable until this thing is over.
“I turned down a date for this family dinner, so it better be chicken pot-pie from scratch.” Corie breezes in after I finish in the bathroom, sailing right past the living room before backtracking a few steps and taking us all in. “Well…hello everyone.”
Jackson puts up a hand in a wave, “Hey Corie.”
She takes in my spot on the couch, Jackson perched on the arm just behind me and my parents together in their usual loveseat.
My parents.
Jackson.
Me.
“You can’t be serious.”
I force down a laugh. “Depends, what about?”
She bursts into laughter, bending over at the waist bef
ore she looks at us, and guffaws again.
“You never do anything half-way, do you, sis?”
I lean against Jackson, just amused because it is true. “I guess not.”
Jackson’s phone chimes and he gets up, hand lingering on my shoulder before he pulls away. “Chris is about to pull up. I’m gonna meet him outside.”
“Good luck.” We all say, wincing at how ominous it sounds that we all said it together.
“It’s gonna be fine, right? I’m a grown woman, so really, he has no say.”
“Might not have a say, but there’s a code that has to be followed, baby girl.” My daddy says, “I’ve always liked Jackson. Chris wouldn’t have him around if he wasn’t a decent man, so I’m sure he’ll realize that, once he gets over the little sister thing. Frankly,” He glances at my mom, “We’re glad it’s not your ex-husband’s. Wait, there’s no chance it is, right?”
“Nope, not a single percent.” I confirm, and the relief on both their faces is comical.
Corie hops the back of the couch, throwing her arms around me. “Never a dull day with you back around, Cecelia. Getting a niece out of the deal is a sweet bonus. And with a hot dad, no less.”
Lowing my voice, I lean against her shoulder. “He is pretty hot, huh?”
“Like, might push me a bit further along the bi scale hot.”
“Ooh, that’s high praise from you!”
“So…is he just baby daddy, or is more than that?”
I pretend not to see my parents pretending they’re not stretching their ears to hear us.
“Right now, he is the father of my baby. Nothing more.”
“But you want him to be more.”
