by Lisa Swallow
I last saw Lucy at the weekend, and she’s back to her stable self. She’s reconnected with a couple of old friends, and I think this helps. I pray she stays on her meds because Dad forgets to check on her. When she’s well, he thinks it’s permanent. My attempts to teach him about her illness land on deaf ears; some days I doubt he believes she’s really sick. With Lucy well, Christmas should be calm at least.
“She’s good. Looking forward to Christmas. We’ve a few relatives round and about; it’s the only time of year we ever get together.”
“Sounds fun.”
“Oh yeah, after a few beers, I can cope with the screaming kids.”
Ness shakes her head. “My parents have big parties and invite half the village.”
“Your house must be big.”
“I guess.” She chews a nail. She avoids discussion about how opposite our worlds are, and I don’t like that, as if I’m not good enough. “I’m working extra shifts to be able to take the time off, basically until 22nd.”
“Ah, right. I’m leaving the weekend before.”
Disappointment crosses her face, and in a twisted way, this makes me happy because it means she’s going to miss me as much as I miss her. “Best we make the most of our time together then.”
“Best we do.”
Later, as Ness curves her body around mine, in the peace and afterglow of an afternoon wrapped around each other, it strikes me I’ll miss her for more than the sex. We’ve spent the last few weeks exploring each other’s bodies until the act becomes a part of us. Suddenly sex isn’t just for losing myself in my own pleasure, but losing myself in her. Ness places her lips on my damp chest and I stroke her tangled hair. A cold fear floods through me as words form in my mind I don’t want to hear. I love her.
“I love being here with you,” she whispers. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here.”
If only that were true. “Same.”
Fear strangles the emotions and I attempt to switch off, to shut down; but Ness’s heart beats next to mine, in a rhythm mine shares now. I love her, but she can’t know. Not yet.
25
FEBRUARY
NESS
I bite away a smile as I catch Evan’s glazed expression, and flick his nose. “Hey!”
Evan blinks and looks up from where he rests against the wall outside the shop in the brightly lit centre. “Oh. Right. You done? Can we go now?”
“No, that dress was no good.”
Evan’s expression couldn’t be worse if I told him the apocalypse was dawning. “Still? How many of the bloody things have you tried on?”
“A few. I bought some shoes though, I’m halfway there.” I point at the bag by his feet.
With a humph, Evan picks up the bag. The shopping centre bustles despite the mid-week visit, and we’ve trawled from shop to shop for over two hours. The shoes were easy—black and high—but I can’t find the dress I want.
“Can we eat?” he complains. “Bad enough you’re subjecting me to the first circle of Hell, but you’re starving me too.”
“If you invite me to the English department formal evening, you have to help me choose a dress. That was the deal.”
“I thought you were kidding. Surely Abby’s better at this girlie shit.”
I place a kiss beneath his ear and whisper, “I’m checking out some lingerie to match too; you can help me choose.”
He grabs my backside and pulls me closer. “Don’t start me thinking about that kind of thing.”
I smack Evan’s in return, take his hand, and lead him further into Hell. “Come on, poetry boy.”
He mutters something under his breath, and I squeeze his hand. “This is how much I want to spend time with you. I hope you realise that,” he says. “When you said you wanted to take me somewhere special because you hadn’t seen me all week, this isn’t what I had in mind.”
“I’ll make it up to you, promise.”
“You bet you will!” He smacks my backside, and I smack his back with a laugh.
Our time apart over Christmas reinforced how hard and fast I’m falling for Evan, and how much he thought about me. Is he falling too? We texted constantly, even though we were only apart a week. Evan would give me a rundown on the chaotic festivities happening around him, with a humorous bent on the situations, and I did the same. I’d wake up to a good morning text, and every evening he’d send me a text at 11 p.m. Even without Evan there, I started and ended my days with him. Lucy was mentioned once, and I was relieved when Evan told me she’s going okay.
My cowardice took over with my parents. I didn’t tell them about my planned trip. An unspoken truce over my decision earlier in the year led to a happier atmosphere than the weeks before I left for Leeds in September. I didn’t want to rock the boat with another bolt from the blue for them; I’ll tell my parents once I have firm dates.
Back in Leeds, I took up with Evan where we left off. The last few weeks have wrapped us together, and the grey city brightens with him in my world. We don’t see each other every day, don’t need to. I wouldn’t want to. The breathing distance between us is perfect. Our relationship has a balance compared to the all-consuming relationships I see around me. Still, I’m aware we hold onto the attitude new couples have; that the world could never understand how we feel, and nothing can touch us. This brings a new dimension to my thinking. Do I still leave in the summer? I can’t stop planning, not yet. Who knows what will happen? This is early days.
The dress I eventually choose is the first I tried on; deep blue, figure hugging and calf length. We double back to buy it, and Evan rubs his head as I pay.
“If you were going to buy this one, why the hell did we spend the best part of three hours in every shop you could find looking for another?”
The shop assistant and I swap a knowing smile, and she nods at Evan before smiling back at me. “Three hours? You’ve got a keeper there.”
Evan clutches the other bags filled with my purchases. “Thank you. Tell her how lucky she is.”
“Oh, I can see how lucky she is.” The young girl raises a brow at me and a smug warmth fills my chest. Oh yeah, not many guys measure up to Evan in a lot of ways.
Evan’s pace picks up after we grab smoothies from the food court, and I struggle to keep up as he steps through the glass doors leading to the exit. I laugh as he turns his head to the sky outside, and makes loud comments about his freedom, and then I shove him in the back, in the direction of the car.
In the car, Evan buckles his belt and reclines the seat, eyes closed. “Finally.”
“Such a drama queen,” I say as sit in the driver’s seat.
He opens an eye and gives me a lazy smile. “I’m just resting because you said you were going to make this worth my while. I need my energy.”
I lean across the space between us and curl a hand around Evan’s head. “You’re a special guy, Evan.”
He grins and rests his forehead on mine. “Yeah, I know. You’re lucky to have me, I’m told.” I shake my head and turn the key in the ignition. “And I’m lucky to have you in my life,” he adds.
* * *
EVAN
I stand in the shadows near the wall, and Ness approaches from the dance floor, where she’s laughed and joked with Abby and Penny as they danced beneath the strobing lights. My beautiful girl is relaxed and happy, even though she began the night stressed over how many people she wouldn’t know at the department function tonight. Initially, Ness refused my invite, and I persuaded Reece to invite Abby. One thing that helps Ness relax in a situation is having Abby with her. Ness hides a vulnerability I never saw until we grew closer, a lack of confidence hidden behind her stiff exterior. I fell into the trap of thinking her haughty attitude was superiority when all along it’s a defence mechanism.
And I know all about those.
Recently, I’ve sat back and considered how few friends she has due to her choices. Ness never mentions work colleagues, seemingly happy in her own company. I guess that will
help her when she travels. Ness hasn’t mentioned her planned backpacking adventures recently. I don’t ask, in the hope she’s changed her mind. Maybe she has. Before Christmas, Ness spoke about her plans a lot. The last few weeks, not at all. Life with Ness is happiness and peace I haven’t experienced for a long time, if ever. Why? No bloody idea, but that’s how we are. I don’t want to lose what we have, but what’s the point in worrying? Today is all that matters now the past is further away.
Ness trips on her black heels as she approaches, and I catch her in a move worthy of any hero. She giggles as she grips my arms through the crisp grey shirt, looking up at me with shining, green eyes.
“Thank you,” Ness says and rakes her fingers through my scruff.
“For?” I wrap an arm around her waist.
“Inviting me. I’m having fun.”
“So I see.”
She squeezes my cheeks and kisses my scrunched up lips. “Dance with me again.”
“Why? Because you need holding upright?”
Ness pokes her tongue out, and then steps back. “C’mon, poetry boy.” She pulls my black tie so I’m closer and whispers in my ear. “I want you with me. You look bloody hot.”
I can’t help but laugh at my drunk Ness, her inhibitions loosened. “You’re drunk.”
“And?” She drags her index finger across my mouth. “Or would you rather come back to mine? Or yours.”
Our conversation is tricky, the volume of music interfering. The evening began in a civilised manner; groups of students from the department arriving smartly dressed. Some of us began the evening with a few drinks; most of us are ending the night with a few more.
“I’ll do whatever you want, Vanessa.”
“Vanessa…” She laughs and steadies herself, hand against my chest as she whispers, “Whatever I want? Gonna show me how Evan fits into Vanessa?”
Whoa. Ness is drunker than she looks. Sure, we’re open about sex, because it’s a natural part of us, but Ness isn’t usually as forthright. As I look into Ness’s swimming eyes, at the deliberately coy lip biting, I can’t help the temptation to do what she’s suggesting.
“Now?” I ask.
“Now or later, I don’t care.” She brushes her lips against mine. “I like that you belong to me.”
“Belong to you, huh? So you do just want me for my body?” I stroke Ness’s hair as she rests her head against me.
“Other girls. They’re watching you. Evan Hyde, with his reputation and dressed in a suit, every girl’s fantasy.” She giggles again.
Giggling Ness. Not her, but amusing all the same.
“You in that goddamn sexy dress, Ness. Not groping your ass at every available opportunity is killing me.” I dig my fingers into her round backside. “You’re gorgeous.”
“You, my scruffy Byron, in his suit. You turn me on.” Her hands slide to my ass too.
“I’m not as drunk as you, Ness, but if you don’t stop this, I’m taking you up on your offer.”
“Please do.”
Fuck it. I grab Ness’s face in both hands and kiss her, a bruising, intense kiss as I push my tongue into her mouth. She tastes of wine, and of Ness, my intoxicating girl who overwhelms every sense anytime I touch her. She relaxes in to me, drunkenly kissing me back as she slackens into my arms.
In the past, I would’ve pulled a girl kissing me like this out of the room and into the nearest corner, or looked for an empty room, bathrooms… anywhere. The fact her hand is sliding to the front of my pants and seeking out my hardening cock is not helping the situation. I grip Ness’s hair and push my tongue into her mouth, closing my eyes and soaking up every part of her. She makes a small noise in her throat and we back against the wall, Ness’s hand still holding me.
She tears her mouth away. “Evan. Take me somewhere and fuck me.”
Uh. Jesus. I usually temper the dirty talk unsure if I’ll offend her, although recently she’s indulged in some of her own. What’s a guy to do apart from give Ness what she wants?
26
MARCH
NESS
The park edging the university fills with spring flowers, welcome colour following the stark winter. Recently, our walks along the winding path to the bench we sit on are warmer. I meet Evan some days, and we share lunch on the bench beneath the tall trees. Away from the main road, the city could be far away. The tree buds and spring fills me with a new energy as the scent of the flowers takeover the city fumes.
“Exams soon?” I ask. “Studying hard?”
Evan laughs. “I’m a first year.”
“And?”
He shrugs and bites into the wrap. “I’ll be okay.”
“Mmm.” My bag is open by my feet and Evan reaches in to take out a bottle of water I brought. Something catches his eye.
“A bookshop? Vanessa, have I finally converted you to reading?” He pulls out the plastic bag.
“I do read! Just not as much as you.”
“And what work of literature have you bought?” I don’t miss the change of expression on Evan’s face as he takes the book from inside. “Oh.”
I spent ages in the student bookshop near campus deciding which Lonely Planet travel guide to buy; most of my research is online, but I want a physical book to remind me of my plans. I toyed with Asia, considered North America, and settled on Europe. Makes sense to start nearby.
Evan continues to look at the book, refusing to meet my eyes. “You haven’t mentioned your plans recently. Still planning on leaving in summer?”
How do I tell him I avoid the subject because every time we’ve spoken about it in the past, Evan changes the subject?
“I didn’t think you were interested.”
He hands me the book. “Of course, I’m interested.” His eyes arrest me; the happiness in them from meeting me earlier has left. “Just wasn’t sure.”
“Sure about what?”
“Nothing. All good.” He delves into my bag for the water, and silently drinks for a minute.
“Evan?”
“You decided if you’re coming out on Friday?” he says eventually.
“I’m working, remember?”
“Oh. Yeah. Guess I’m on my own then.” His comment is loaded as he stares across the park and I place a hand on his leg. Evan doesn’t move.
This is the reaction I’ve worried about. “We should talk about this.”
“I said, it’s all good. Planned anywhere yet?”
“Kind of.”
“I’d go to Italy. I went to France once, didn’t like it much. Want to go to Prague one day too.” He takes the book back from me and flicks through the pages. “One day.”
One day. We switch to chatting about his time in France, a disastrous camping holiday with friends from school and as he tells me the story, Evan relaxes again. I listen, but his words are drowned out by thoughts of my own. We need to talk about this further. Our relationship is about to hit the four month mark, heading towards serious, but that’s no guarantee. I dated my last boyfriend for a year and that ended. I can’t let what I have with Evan change my mind, not when he still holds a part of himself back. If he holds back, Evan can’t commit. So, neither can I.
27
APRIL
EVAN
Ness changes everything. And I don’t want her to go.
Every time we’re in her room, I catch sight of the laptop and the taunting screensaver. She’s changed the display recently, so pictures from around the world scroll across her screen. Some days, I can’t ignore the fact she’s leaving soon and get snippy. Ness doesn’t understand why, and I can’t tell her how much I need her in my life. She’s escaped from controlling forces once; god knows I’ve been there. I have no right to interfere with her dreams. When she tries to talk to me about her plans, I increasingly change the subject. Ness isn’t stupid; she’ll figure everything out soon.
Lucy’s grip no longer suffocates me. I keep my word to her and still return to Lancaster every weekend, and Lucy keeps hers. She now se
es a new psychiatrist and follows a new regime of medication. I don’t fool myself that this is over, fixed, but this is the longest she’s been stable in a very long time. Christmas was our happiest in years, even if I spent most of the time wishing Ness were with me, filled with paranoia over who she was with. She’s talked about home before, mentioned old friends, including guys. I regret not telling her how I feel, but am relieved at the same time.
By New Year, and no desire to touch Tiffany, who pretty much offered herself on a plate to me, the truth is undeniable. Ness has burrowed into my heart, into the place I don’t want anybody to go. And I hate it.
After Christmas, Lucy enrolled in college, following her dream to study photography. Channelling her creativity helps and her life moves on.
I failed most of my first semester exams. This wasn’t a surprise, the crisis and visits home ate away my time. Then, in between, I filled my life with Ness more than I really should have. So, I’m reluctantly repeating the courses, feeling as if my own life hasn’t changed much. Ness insists my life has moved on huge amounts, but I can’t help resenting hers.
* * *
Ness’s birthday. Ness, being Ness, doesn’t want a fuss. Abby plans a wild night out and sometimes I think Abby doesn’t understand Ness at all. Ness avoids the student lifestyle still. The times I manage to persuade her to go with me to parties are rare. I guess this stops us from living in each other’s pockets completely, but I wish she’d involve herself with my friends more. I don’t dare tell her they think she’s a snob.
Ness manages to put off Abby’s grand plans, and I book a nice place to eat for just the two of us. We go to a lot of curry houses, sharing our love of Indian food, so I saved for a classier meal at a restaurant in one of the leafier, upmarket suburbs.
Ness dresses up for the evening and I picked out the best of the shirts I had, which isn’t saying much. When she appears in her green dress, skimming her knees and cut just a little too low for my peace of mind, I apologise for my poor attempt to look half-decent.
