by Mayim Bialik
If an egg is fertilized, it can implant in the uterus and begin forming what will in 9 or 10 months become a human baby. The process is amazing, and it is unbelievable that a sperm meeting an egg can lead to a human growing inside of a woman’s body!
Let’s talk about how people have behaved surrounding the idea of sex and how you can prepare for one day deciding how you want to handle sex and all that it entails.
THEN: Historically, people of certain religious and cultural backgrounds—as well as a lot of others not from a particular religious or cultural background—have waited to have sex until they are married. For your grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ generations, that was not unusual at all. The idea that your body is a sacred place may sound weird now, but for a lot of history, being sexually intimate with someone was considered in many communities to be something you didn’t do until marriage. Of course there have always been people who have been sexually active before marriage, but one of the main reasons the act of sex was saved for marriage is the simple fact that women are likely to get pregnant if they have sex! It’s just a biological fact. Until very recently, sex was seen by many as just a way to make babies, which for most cultures was encouraged to be done in the context of marriage so that a woman could be provided for while she cared for her babies. Many religions and cultures made a big deal over seeing sex as “forbidden,” often because of the possibility of getting pregnant outside of marriage. In certain religious traditions, such as Catholicism and some Eastern religions, leaders of the faith take vows of celibacy (not having sex) for part of their lives and sometimes for their entire lives, because sex is seen as a potential distraction.
NOW: There are still many people who believe that sex is something you save for marriage, but for many young people in this country, there has been a real shift in the past 60 years in how we see ourselves and how we behave sexually. There are many reasons for this shift, and one of them is that in 1960, a birth control pill (referred to as “the Pill”) was introduced that could stop women from releasing an egg, thus making it possible for them to control when they got pregnant—or didn’t. The Pill changed the world in ways we are still learning to understand. Since the 1960s and what is sometimes called the “sexual revolution,” the notion of “waiting for marriage” has shifted a lot.
What this looks like is that a lot of young people—many of you reading this book, actually—may be comfortable with things that girls and boys and men and women even 15 years ago would not have been comfortable with. Kissing used to be something many of your parents wondered if they “should” do on a first date, and now I’m sure you know that kissing can happen before you even decide that you are dating! Hooking up is something that sometimes happens even between people with no interest in dating. Having sex is seen by some as not a big deal, and some people think it’s something you should do just because it feels good.
PRECAUTIONARY POINTERS: It would be super awkward for me to just come right out and say, “Don’t hook up with people you barely know!” “Wait until you know someone before you let them kiss you!” “Don’t have sex before you’re in a committed relationship!” I know for a lot of people that’s not going to make sense, and I get that. Here’s the truth: every time you come in physical contact with someone by kissing them, touching them or being sexually intimate with them, you are opening yourself up to the history of who they have been intimate with. Even when we just kiss someone and share body fluids—which is what happens when we kiss!—our bodies have ways they react.
This is something to keep in mind anytime you are sexually intimate with someone, even just by kissing them. I’m not saying that if you kiss someone, you’re going to get sick, but the principle is important to know: being intimate in a sexual way is sharing parts of you that can be affected physically in sometimes very serious ways, because coming in contact with someone’s penis or vagina or having body fluids exchanged through kissing, oral sex and sexual intercourse is a very significant experience for the body. A great example is that if someone kisses a person who has a cold sore and then they kiss you, you may end up with the cold sore. Anytime anyone’s lips and kisses are near any of your mucus membranes (any opening of your body), you can take their germs and the germs they get from other people into your body, and they become a part of you.
A lot of us grow up with notions of sexual intimacy being an emotional experience. But if you look at how a lot of music videos and TV and movies talk about and show sexual situations, it’s sometimes treated like it’s no big deal. Women are sometimes depicted as acting aggressively in sexual situations, and it’s becoming more commonplace for the media to show women as emotionally separated from sexual intimacy. What’s absolutely true is that being sexually intimate has a lot of impact on humans, especially on females. Remember all of the hormones we talked about in the earlier chapters? Those are supercharged when we have sex. Even though being sexual is enjoyable, it does change a relationship when we’re sexual with someone. Young people especially are not necessarily prepared to deal with some of the feelings that can come up when we have sexual relations with someone. Sometimes we may feel guilty, and sometimes we may feel it wasn’t what we expected, and sometimes it can even feel like the other person didn’t treat us the way we wanted to be treated.
It’s important to acknowledge that having sex is a special thing, and it is a very big deal, and that’s not just true for women. Sex is very significant for men and women, and most people you talk to who have a lot of experience in life will tell you that sex is best when it’s emotionally connected, not just when you do it as a purely physical act because it feels like the thing to do at the moment or because you think everyone else is doing it.
At the same time, although sex is very important, you shouldn’t be afraid of it. Although many religious traditions have very strong opinions about sex for good reasons, and although many parents take the idea of their children’s sexual activity very seriously—as they should—sex is not evil. It can be a beautiful way to connect with someone, and I can tell you from personal experience that the most meaningful, awesome sex comes from being in a solid, healthy relationship that involves a lot of trust, a lot of communication about everyone’s needs and a lot of tenderness and fun.
HOW TO BE SMART ABOUT IT: I’m going to come right out and tell you that your body is awesome. Your body is made to feel good, and it’s made to be a part of starting a family if you want to do that someday. You deserve to feel good. You get to decide who touches you where and when, and no one should ever make you feel bad for not wanting to be sexual (or for wanting to be sexual either). The same is true for any partner you might have. Just as you don’t want anyone to make you do something you don’t want to do, you should never—never—pressure anyone into doing things they aren’t ready to do.
Consent
Many images we see in the media and songs we hear talk about the subtle and not-so-subtle ways men can get women to do what they want sexually. In addition, a lot of messages we get tell us that it’s a woman’s job to please men; it’s not. There is a notion in many circles of society, including the world of pornography, that hints—or directly states—that women want sex even when they say they don’t. This is not healthy and it’s not something to imitate. “No” means “no.” Period. It can be very difficult, when your hormones are in full force and when you have an erection, to control your desires, but it is your responsibility to listen if someone says no. If someone pushes you away, remove yourself from the situation. It’s not a game. And if someone thinks teasing you by pushing you away is an invitation for intimacy, it’s okay to say, “Be clear: is this a yes or a no?” One of the reasons many adults encourage young people to wait to be intimate is that when you are young and learning how to control your body and your brain, your judgment is not as sharp as it will be when you mature. Being confronted with a situation where someone says no after they said yes can be very difficult for many y
oung men. Alcohol and drugs can confuse decision-making, especially for underage drinkers, so it is wise to avoid drinking if you want to cultivate a responsible and safe environment as you start to get to know someone.
Every girl and every woman and every partner you may ever have has the right to control their body. And you have the right to control yours, too. No matter what, there is no situation in which anyone has the right to think they can touch or kiss or have sex with someone who doesn’t want to or who seems unsure. The notion of consent has nothing to do with the clothes someone wears, the way they flirt with you or even agreeing to be treated to dinner. Sex must be agreed on by both people involved, and if your partner changes their mind regarding how far they want to go at any point during a date, that has to be respected. Forcing someone to engage in any sexual act when they say no or cannot give consent is against the law, and you could spend the rest of your life in jail and ruin someone’s life by forcing them to have sex when they don’t want to.
If you do decide to be sexually active, know that condoms should be used anytime fluid can enter someone’s body from your genitals. Condoms prevent both of you from getting diseases that come from other people’s body fluids and can stay with you and affect your life forever. Boys and men can get diseases from girls and women; it doesn’t just work the other way around. It’s important to understand the ways to prevent sexually transmitted diseases even if you are the guy in the relationship. You can talk to your family doctor, parents or another trusted adult about it. There are some diseases you can get from having sexual relations that never go away. They can affect your ability to have babies later in life. It’s scary. And being careful about who you have sex with is very important. Like I said before, people you meet online and know very little about are not safe people just because they say they are. Making smart choices now can have an effect on the rest of your life.
Pregnancy
No one wants to think that they might get someone pregnant if they decide to have sex in high school or middle school, but here’s the bottom line. I’m going to be very clear about this: having sex is what makes a girl get pregnant. Condoms are very effective against pregnancy if they are used correctly. There are other ways to prevent pregnancy, and there are advantages and disadvantages to all of them. There are people who think if you just have sex for a little time, then you won’t get pregnant—they’re wrong; that’s not safe. If you don’t want to get someone pregnant, the best choice is to not put your penis into her vagina. Semen comes out of the penis and carries cells that, when they meet with an egg cell, make a baby. Period.
Contraception
Because of the way male and female bodies work, contraception typically consists of finding ways to stop an egg from meeting sperm, and most methods require action by the female partner, although new methods are being researched which would require men to share more of the responsibility of birth control. As I stated above, the only way to make sure you don’t get someone pregnant is pretty clear, but here are the most common types of contraception—and don’t skip this section because you are a guy; contraception and preventing diseases that come from being sexually active are everyone’s responsibility, not just the woman’s. Keep in mind that contraception has to be used correctly in order for it to work as well as it can, and no contraception is 100 percent guaranteed to not let a girl get pregnant. Also know that some sperm can also be released before ejaculation, so the “withdrawal/pull-out” method is not a reliable form of contraception.
Here are a few types that people often use:
Condoms. A condom fits over the penis to catch sperm so they don’t get into the vagina. When used correctly, condoms are a very reliable form of birth control. Most condoms are made of latex, and you usually need to use a lubricant with a condom so that the latex doesn’t feel uncomfortable for your partner. Condoms protect from sexually transmitted diseases by creating a barrier between two bodies; this is something that only condoms provide.
The Pill. A birth control pill is prescribed for women by a doctor, and it needs to be taken every day at about the same time in order for it to work. The Pill is made up of hormones that stop the ovaries from sending eggs into the fallopian tubes. The hormones in the Pill are powerful, and some women feel a bit more moody and emotional than usual when they are on the Pill.
Hormonal patch and hormonal rings. Patches are like Band-Aids that contain the same kinds of hormones that are in the Pill. A patch has to be placed by the woman on her body and removed at set times or it doesn’t work. The hormonal ring is inserted into the vagina and stays there securely. The way the hormones are delivered for both of these methods tends to lead to fewer side effects than the Pill.
Other birth control: IUD, shots, sterilization. These are more invasive and complicated methods of birth control, which are typically not recommended for teenagers. Some women have an intrauterine device (IUD) implanted in their uterus. Another method of birth control for women is hormonal injections, which stop the release of eggs. Finally, when both partners are sure that they don’t ever want to have babies, there are surgical procedures for both men and women that make them not able to do so.
Self-Discovery
We’ve talked a lot about what happens when you touch someone else, but there’s another kind of touching too. When you touch yourself, it’s called masturbation. While some cultures and religions have strong opinions about masturbation not being healthy or good, it is widely accepted that there is nothing wrong with touching yourself; your body was designed with parts that feel good when they are touched, and that’s very important! At different times in your life, you may have more or less interest in masturbating, but pretty much everyone does it, and it’s totally okay to learn about your body in this way. Sometimes, you may have what is called a nocturnal emission, or a “wet dream,” and wake up to realize you have ejaculated. This is also normal, and it’s nothing to worry about. If you have concerns or questions about masturbation or ejaculation, a doctor or school nurse can help. A lot of times, guys share information about their bodies, and that might also help you get your questions answered . . . but keep in mind that some boys like to exaggerate and make things up . . . so if something sounds hard to believe, you might want to run it by an adult you trust!
Late Bloomers
Did anyone read this chapter and think, What is she talking about?! Or, Eeeww! I don’t want to talk about this stuff! Or maybe, I don’t want to think about sex, and I don’t even want to think about going on a date! If so, that’s totally fine! Everyone matures at a different pace, and the way you are is exactly the way you are supposed to be.
I don’t even know if I could have gotten through this chapter when I was your age, because I was a late bloomer. Like, a super late bloomer.
I developed late. I was really short, and I didn’t start my menstrual cycle until late in high school—girls usually start around age 12. I was not interested in dating, and I had my first kiss when I was acting in a TV show when I was 14. I didn’t have my first real boyfriend until I was 17, and I never “casually” dated. I never hooked up with guys at camp or at school; I have had only long-term relationships, and I believe very strongly in having one committed partner at a time.
You might be thinking I have no clue what dating is like or that I have no right to comment on it since I was a clueless teenager. But here’s the thing: I didn’t engage in that stuff because I wasn’t ready, and that’s okay. I was really freaked out when I learned about the diseases you can get from fooling around.
The truth is, being a late bloomer turned out to be a good thing for me. The fact that I was left out of a lot of jokes and conversations because I couldn’t relate didn’t end up affecting me much in the long run. I have never met someone who hooked up with a lot of people who felt it made them better equipped to have a healthy relationship or marriage later in life—it was just a different path to getting there. One path isn’t
necessarily better than the other or a better predictor of your success in relationships or in the bedroom. Keep that in mind when people say things like, “If you want to learn how to be a good kisser, you need a lot of practice,” because that’s simply not true. And that’s also the case for a lot of things people will say, such as, “The only way to be a good lover is to practice a lot.” It’s also not true. Being a good lover and partner is about being in touch with your feelings and your needs, and wanting to be there for someone you care about and have strong feelings for. You get to take your time with how fast or slow that happens.
I know that being a late bloomer saved me from a lot of the drama and heartache that can come from having lots of relationships, but people who experienced a lot of relationships can learn from them, and that’s fine, too. For me, as a very sensitive and vulnerable person, the brief experiences I’ve had with the ups and downs of trying to get people to like me and date me and then feeling let down and rejected if they didn’t was enough to turn me off from pursuing it more. I spent a lot of time in middle school and high school studying, playing and listening to music and writing letters to friends. I liked reading and writing poetry, and while I sometimes felt lonely, looking back, I spent time learning the things I like and things I don’t like, and I wouldn’t change my being a late bloomer for anything. For all of the late bloomers out there who might feel they are missing out on something: it may seem like you are, but trust me, everyone progresses in their own way in their own time, and it’s important to listen to your gut. We all get there eventually, and it is very important for you to honor your intuition and to always go at your own pace.
