‘Really?’ Beau asks.
‘Yeah, I’ll let you two watch Point Break on your own.’
Zeppelin gives me a hug. ‘See you soon, yeah?’
Beau raises his eyebrows with a pleased nod.
‘I’d love that,’ I tell him. I watch the two of them walk off in the opposite direction, Beau with his arm around Zeppelin’s shoulders and Zeppelin with his arm around Beau’s waist, gesturing wildly with his other hand.
I message Lindell. I met his kid. He’s amazing.
I love it. I love you, he replies and it makes me smile.
Another message appears. Nons, is this really just a fling?
Fuck.
30
‘You look happy,’ Beau says when he greets me outside his studio. He kisses my cheek and takes my hand as we start walking.
‘I am happy,’ I say.
‘Good.’ He tells me about his day, and I tell him about mine and then we don’t talk for a while, content holding hands and walking, but then he stops suddenly, standing directly in front of me.
‘Noni, I have a question to ask you.’
My heart pumps with the suddenness of the energy shift. ‘Okay,’ I say with trepidation. I try to read his face, to see how worried I should be.
‘I think you should move in with me until you leave. You’re there all the time anyway and you could save money, and I mean, it’s a suitcase.’ He pauses and I suddenly become very conscious of my eyelashes and the speed at which they’re blinking. ‘Don’t you think that makes sense? I mean, you head back in a month, yeah?
He’s asking me to move in with him. For a month. I go home in a month. I’m meant to go back to work in a month.
‘I just—’ I start, not really knowing how I’m going to finish the sentence.
‘I feel like you might need a boundary chat, Noni?’
I am startled by this but I try not to let it read on my face. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘A feeling.’ He puts his arm around my shoulder and we keep walking. ‘I like you. A lot.’
‘I like you. A lot,’ I tell him.
‘And I like spending time with you. This fling is excellent, yeah? You are excellent.’
A fling. It’s a fling. Of course it’s a fling. Why does it sting, him saying that, though? Don’t be ridiculous, Noni.
‘Yeah, I feel exactly the same way.’
‘You do? Great. I thought you would.’ He squeezes my hand with his, to punctuate his enthusiasm. ‘Because, there’s no future beyond you getting on that plane, is there?’ He looks at me. What do I say? I pause for too long so he keeps talking. ‘I mean, you’re going home. And this is my home. So we know what’s gonna happen. So, it’s easy, yeah, Nons? Easy and brilliant.’
Easy and brilliant. No future. This isn’t my home. He doesn’t want a future. Got it.
‘So move in with me. It makes sense.’
It does make sense, financially. Emotionally, it makes sense too, because all I want to do is be with Beau. But logically? It doesn’t make any sense at all because the closer we get to me leaving, and the bigger my feelings feel about him, the harder it’s going to be to get on a plane and fly away from this little life I’ve built for myself here.
‘Will you?’ he asks.
I take a deep breath. ‘Yes.’
‘Fucking hell, Nons. What did you say?’ Lindell says on the phone as I flick the shower on.
‘I said yes, and then we went to my place, called Pam and told her I was leaving a bit early, packed up my stuff, and brought it around here. And now I’m here. I’ve moved in.’
‘Just like that?’
‘Just like that.’
‘Why are you whispering?’ Lindell asks.
‘Because I’m hiding in the bathroom.’ I open the door slightly to make sure Beau isn’t in earshot, but he’s in the kitchen making dinner. ‘Is this crazy?’
‘No. Yes. I don’t know. Does it feel right?’
‘Yes,’ I tell him. It does feel right.
‘Then that’s your answer.’ Lindell yawns and I wonder if he’s still in bed. It’s early in the morning for him.
‘But it also feels incredibly reckless in the grand scheme of future Noni’s feelings.’
‘Babe, let future Noni deal with her feelings, okay? Not you. Not your job right now.’
‘Okay. How are you? I miss you. How are the kids? What’s happening in your life?’
Lindell takes a deep breath. ‘Well, Graham’s been headhunted and he thinks he’s gonna take the new gig.’
‘Why are you whispering?’ I ask.
‘Because he’s in the shower and we’re not talking.’
‘What?’
‘It’ll mean more travel, which means he’ll be away more. He suggested we get a nanny with the extra cash to support me and I called him an asshole and things are at about a two out of ten right now. But, onward.’ He exhales forcefully and I feel a pulse of concern.
‘Shit, darling, I’m sorry.’
‘Nons, what first-world fucking concerns to have, my husband will be earning so much money he can afford to pay someone to take care of our children. I feel irrational being angry about it. But also, I’m fucking furious.’
‘Why, do you think?’
‘I dunno. What about my career? But then what else do I even want with my career? Maybe I’m just bored. Or jealous. Maybe I just miss you,’ he says and my heart hurts wishing that I was there with him, having this conversation in real life, not in hushed tones locked in the bathroom.
‘I miss you,’ I tell him. ‘I think it’s completely rational to feel all of those things. You are a brilliant human who is more than just a parent, and it’s okay to want more, and resent Graham’s success a little, and feel like you’re missing out. Because you are.’
‘Fucking hell.’
‘I mean, you’re always going to be missing out on something, we all are, that’s life, that’s making choices, I guess. We can’t actually have it all.’
‘Yes. I know. And we’ve been sold a fucking ridiculous tale that has led us to believe we can have it all. Fuck Instagram.’
This makes me laugh. ‘Yes. Fuck Instagram.’
‘I love you,’ he says now at full voice. Graham must be in the room.
‘I love you, darling. Tell Graham how you feel. Sort it out, please. You’re my relationship hope.’
‘Great. No pressure.’ He pauses. ‘Graham and I always work it out.’
‘Hi Noni!’ I hear Graham bellow in the background.
‘Enjoy your new house. Hear me, Noni? Enjoy. It.’
‘I hear you.’
Enjoy it.
31
The buzzer on the door to Beau’s flat sounds loudly and startles me. I’m mindlessly watching TV with Shaquille waiting for Beau to get back from work.
‘Hello?’ I say into the intercom.
‘Hey. It’s Zep. I don’t have my key,’ he says.
‘Oh, hi.’ I buzz him in and then wait for him with the front door open. ‘Hey, your dad isn’t—’
‘Yeah, I just messaged him. Told him I was here.’ He walks in and dumps his bag on the floor, flopping on the couch as Shaquille and him lovingly greet each other.
‘You alright?’ I ask. He turns and looks at me, and sighs loudly. ‘Does your mum know you’re here? It’s a school day. Did you catch the train?’
‘Yeah. Yeah. Are you kidding? She’d fucking murder me if I left without telling her. I mean she’s still pissed, but I rang her on the train.’
‘Good.’ I watch as he covers his eyes with his hands, and rests his head on the back of the couch. ‘Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to—’
‘I had sex with my girlfriend.’
‘Okay.’ I pause. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah. Just—it’s a bit—’
Fuck, Noni. This is a foundational moment.
I sit on the very corner of the other side of the couch, so I’m not just standing in limbo
like a piece of shocked furniture. He rubs his face with both his hands.
‘It’s a bit full on, yeah?’ he says.
I nod. ‘Yeah.’
‘And there’s this huge party this weekend and everyone knows that we did it and I don’t—’ He stops.
‘You don’t?’ I ask.
‘I don’t want to do it again.’ He looks at me. ‘I mean like, not right now. Eventually, I probably will, just—’ He groans loudly, covering his eyes again.
‘That’s okay. You don’t have to.’
‘Yeah. I know. But—’
‘But high school is a fucking nightmare.’ I laugh, and he laughs a little too, which makes me feel better.
‘Yeah. So I made up this lie about needing to come to Dad’s and I was just gonna stay at home, but then it became a thing so I got on the train and—’
‘Here you are.’
‘Yeah.’
We sit silently for a moment. ‘This is going to sound like the most obvious and adult thing to say, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever,’ I tell him, trying to read if he’ll let me go on. He stares expectantly, so I keep going. ‘You have complete autonomy over your body and your choices,’ I ramble. ‘And I know that there is like an astronomical amount of pressure on you right now, because being a teenager is just about the worst thing ever. You know, besides war and genocide and melting ice caps and that weird fashion moment we’re having right now where people other than speed dealers are wearing bum bags across their chests.’ Zeppelin laughs so loudly he starts coughing. ‘But you need to choose what’s right for you. That’s part of all of this. That’s what sex is—choices. Choosing what you want and what feels right. Does that make sense?’ My own advice hits me hard in my own chest.
‘Yeah. Just—’ He folds his knees under his body and looks at me. ‘She’s like…my girlfriend, Amy. She’s been freaking out and I don’t know what to say. And she’s just like, I can’t wait for the party, and I’m like, yeah. And I know I’m making it weird. And it’s all changed between us now. Before it was cool but now it’s not.’
‘I bet.’
‘And now she is properly freaking out. Totally. And so she just keeps trying to talk about it and then I freak out and don’t say anything and—’
‘You’re in this vicious freak-out cycle.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Have you told her what you’re thinking, or how you’re feeling?’ I say.
‘No way.’ He looks at me like I’ve just asked him to shit on the table.
‘Okay. Have you asked her how she’s feeling?’
‘Nup.’
‘Well, she’s probably coming up with a million reasons in her head as to why it’s all changed, yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And I am willing to put money on the fact that she thinks it’s all her fault.’
‘Fuck. I didn’t think of that. I don’t want her to think that.’ He lies back into the couch and groans in frustration. He looks like Beau. ‘What do I do?’
‘You gotta talk to her.’
‘But she’s just gonna think that I’m—’
‘I know that’s how it feels, but what she thinks about you is actually none of your business,’ I tell him.
He looks confused. ‘What?’
‘It’s got nothing to do with you. That’s her choice. All you can do is give her the correct information. Be honest with her. And then she gets to choose what she thinks.’
‘What if she hates me?’
‘Then that’s gonna suck,’ I say and he scoffs and I smile. ‘But wouldn’t you rather she know, than having to keep coming to Scotland every time you two are gonna be alone together? I mean I know your dad will fucking love this plan but—’
He laughs. ‘Yeah. Ugh. It’s really shit.’
‘You know what the worst bit is?’
‘What?’
‘It doesn’t get any easier.’
‘Why would you say that?’ He throws a cushion at me. ‘Why would you smash the unrealistic expectations of a sixteen-year-old like that?’
‘It’s best you know now. I don’t want you to get your hopes up.’
‘Heaven forbid.’ His phone starts buzzing. ‘It’s Dad.’ He answers. ‘Hey. Yeah. Yeah I’m at your place. Yeah she’s here. We’re just talking. Yeah. We’re fine. Okay.’ He hangs up and looks at me. ‘He’s leaving now.’
‘Okay,’ I say.
‘Can you not tell him about…’ He trails off.
‘You should tell him.’
‘He’ll just be—’
‘He’ll be great. He’ll say weird dad things, because that’s his job, and you’ll feel weird and he’ll feel weird, but I think he’ll have good advice. He was sixteen once. And he’s had sex,’ I say, throwing the cushion back at him.
‘That’s disgusting, Noni.’
‘Just the once. Just for your sake. You should be grateful,’ I say.
He laughs. ‘So what do I do? Just message her?’
‘Maybe this is an in-person thing. I know you young people don’t know how to do that, but this is an actual conversation.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Do you like her?’
‘Yeah. A lot. I just freaked out about the sex bit. I just think we rushed it, you know? But I don’t want to break up with her.’
‘Well, maybe just send her a nice message. Tell her that you’re thinking about her. That she’s pretty, or something else that you like about her that isn’t her looks. And then wait till it’s the two of you and tell her what you’re thinking.’
‘You make it sound easy.’
‘It is easy. In theory. Talking in theory is always easy. But it’s the hardest thing ever. We’re scared of looking like we’re dumb. Or that people won’t like us. But your opinion and your feelings, they’re important. You shouldn’t ignore them. It’s just practice.’
‘Okay.’ He thinks for a moment and then he stands up. ‘I’m done.’
‘You cooked, mate? Too much vulnerability?’
‘Yup.’
‘Good. Go and slam your bedroom door or something. Call me a bitch. I don’t know, how do we right the balance between us now?’
He walks towards his bedroom. ‘Your students are lucky, Noni. I don’t have any teachers like you.’
‘Thanks,’ I say, feeling it right in my heart. ‘Talk to your dad.’ He groans loudly and slams the door. I laugh.
He quickly opens it again. ‘That was so much louder than I thought it would be.’
‘You nailed it and then you ruined it again.’ We both laugh and he shuts the door quietly. I lean my head back on the couch and close my eyes. The front door opens and a very puffed Beau comes in.
‘Is he okay?’
‘Yeah.’
‘He in his room?’ I nod. ‘Did he tell you what’s up?’
‘Yes.’
He sits on the couch next me, his face furrowed and worried. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I told him I wouldn’t tell you. But, he’s okay. He just needs to chat to you about it.’
‘Okay.’ Beau looks at Zeppelin’s closed door.
‘But be cool.’
‘Be cool? What’s he done?’ he whispers.
‘A girl.’
‘A girl?’ he whispers, his face all startled eyebrows.
‘Stop it.’ I push him. ‘Just go and talk to him. I’m not saying anything else.’ I cover my mouth.
‘Has he had sex? Fuck. What do I say?’ Beau looks terrified.
‘Just don’t be weird,’ I say as Beau rubs his face with both his hands exactly as Zeppelin had done. ‘He’s a really cool kid.’
‘Noni, I’m freaking out.’
‘I know, you should see your face.’
‘Stop. This is full on.’
I laugh. He leans in and kisses me then pulls back and stays just inches away from my face, looking at me. I put my hand up to his forehead. ‘That one.’
‘What?’
&n
bsp; ‘I want to know what that one was. That thought,’ I say.
He bites his lip. ‘Just—’ He stops himself and instead kisses me slowly. I grab his cheeks with both my hands and kiss him back. He pulls away, sitting on the opposite side of the couch.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I can’t talk to my kid about sex with a giant semi.’
‘Giant? That’s very generous.’
Beau laughs loudly. The bedroom door opens and Zep comes out. Beau grabs a cushion and places it over his lap.
‘You orright?’ Beau asks.
‘Yeah. Did you tell him?’ Zep asks and I shake my head.
‘Tell me what?’ Beau feigns ignorance.
Zeppelin looks at me. ‘I messaged her.’
‘Good.’
‘She said she thought I hated her.’
‘Yeah.’
‘So, you were right,’ he says.
Beau looks at me and I nod. ‘Wanna go out? You and me?’ Beau asks him and Zep nods. He removes the cushion and stands up and I stare at his crotch.
‘Pervert,’ he mouths, grabbing his coat and keys.
‘Thank you,’ Zep mouths as he walks towards the door. I’m glad I’ve been able to help him speak honestly about his feelings.
Maybe it’s time to take your own advice, Noni.
32
‘Don’t forget I can’t work this weekend,’ I tell Lil as we stand staring at a maze of black and white prints scattered all over the floorboards of her studio.
‘Shit. Yes. I remember. Why, again?’ she says without looking up. She’s looking critically at the photographs, her thin blonde hair tied up in a too-high ponytail with a metallic blue scrunchie, a look that somehow she pulls off.
‘We’re going to London.’
She looks at me. ‘What for again?’
‘He won’t tell me.’
‘Ooh. Romantic.’ She smiles with both her mouth and her shoulders.
‘I guess,’ I say. I’m unsure of what to expect from our weekend away.
‘Come to London with me this weekend,’ he’d said earlier in the week, wrapping both his arms around my waist as we stood waiting for battered cod. Our new cohabitation plan was in full swing, and going well. Maybe it’s the impermanence of the situation that has taken the pressure off, but it’s like we can’t bear not to be together. Even when we’re in the same house.
It's Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake Page 23
