by L M Lovett
My mouth is watering. I want to hide out in this shelter of a kitchen with my sweet tía forever.
I know I won’t be able to explain myself until I have some sustenance, so I eagerly dig into her mole negro. My Tía Rosalía’s mole is the stuff of legends and her recipe is religiously guarded. Even my mamá couldn’t pry the recipes out of her. Her recipes are the culmination of centuries of our Oaxacan heritage and a lifetime of learning in the kitchen.
I start eating. The familiar taste of chocolate, cumin, cloves, and cinnamon explodes in my mouth and I am transported to my childhood.
The smoky sweetness of the dish steadies me and gives me courage. “I am so sorry,” my voice quivering, “I was so mad that she was gone. And I couldn’t stand it, being around everyone. Everyone else was alive. Why wasn’t she? And so I stopped responding and stopped coming around.”
“Mija,” my tía says. “Mija –”
“How can you forgive me? I want…I want to be a part of this family again. I want to stop hiding in the shadows. I want to make it up to you.”
“Mija,” she says firmly. “I don’t need an apology. All that matters you are here now. You are sorry that you slipped away. I’m sorry that we let you. I can’t bear to think of you all alone in the world. You must have been so lonely.”
“Yes,” tears now streaming down my face. “I’ve been so lonely until recently.”
“What changed, mi cariño?”
“I met someone. I met someone and for the first time since mamá’s passing I wanted to let someone in.”
“A handsome man,” she guesses, her eyes gleaming with curiosity. In addition to being an extraordinary chef, my tía has been a dauntless matchmaker for as long as I can remember. The desire to confess to her is overwhelming. So many broken hearts were aired out and mended around her kitchen table.
“Yes. Very handsome,” I say with an abrupt laugh through my tears.
“So, I’m sure he wants to be with you. Maribel, you were always the sweetest little girl. Sweet and so smart! Always helping your family. Always helping your mama. ¿Cuál es el problema?”
“Something bad happened and I’m worried that I’ve made his life harder. And I’m so scared to be in a relationship. Now the whole world knows about us.”
“Not the whole world, chica. I’m so glad to hear that you found someone. What do you want to do?”
“I…” I trail off. Now that I’m away from David, all I can think of how much I miss him. With a wave of shame, I realize how worried he must be. And with that, I know. I understand that just like I know he would be worried, that he will be looking for me.
Because even if I can’t fully trust in my ability to love, I can trust in his. Together, we can build something beautiful together.
I don’t have all of the answers. I don’t know how this scandal will affect us or him or the future of his company. I remember the confident way he made a plan to manage the crisis. I remember his calm surety in some many other occasions. Yes, I can trust him.
Being here makes it clear that I’ve been governed by a fear of abandonment for so long. And that this fear, more than anything else, is why I ran today. Not because of what actually happened. Just like how I shut out my family. I shut them out not because of what actually was but because I couldn’t stand another loss in my life. So I tried to control everything. And instead I withered and lost sight of myself.
My tía looks at me expectantly.
“I’ve been too much in my head about things. I’ve been so scared that I will lose him and feel abandoned again that I lost sight of what is. Which is that he is a loving man. And that I love him.”
Her gaze sharpens with glee. I know I am speaking directly to her matchmaker heart.
“Mija, relationships are work. But you already shut the door on love for so long. So please, I beg you, give this a chance. I know if your mamá was here that’s what she would want for you too.”
I take this all in – the warmth of my tía’s love, the scents of my childhood permeating the kitchen. If I close my eyes, I can see the ghosts of my younger self running around, sniffing rose blossoms, and trying to sneak food out of the kitchen. This girl knew that she was unconditionally loved. And I realize that I can see my mamá too, her gaze warm and firm, always pushing me to do my best by others and help my community.
The hairs on my arms stand up.
“Here, mija, you feel it too. Your mamá, she’s here,” Tía Rosalía says as her entire face lights up.
The tears leak out of my eyes, but this time, I’m not mourning my mamá’s passing but the power and presence of her bright life.
When it’s time to leave, my Tía Rosalía badgers me until I am weighed down by a heavy container of mole negro.
“If he won’t listen to words, he will listen to this,” she says confidently.
I laugh freely and rest in another one of her warm hugs. “I will be back soon,” I promise with every fiber of my being. “Can I borrow your phone?” I’m not ready to talk to David just yet, but I need to let him know I’m okay. So I shoot off a quick text and on a whim ask him to meet me somewhere close by.
It’s time for me to be brave. It’s time for me to rise in love. It’s time for me to be the daughter Valentina Flores raised me to be.
Nineteen
David
I’m angry that this scandal has been thrust upon us. I’m furious that the press has dragged Maribel’s good name into this.
Luckily, my crisis team has sprung into action. They’ve issued out the necessary legal threats and promise the complete disappearance of every photo and article referencing yesterday and Maribel. I have people dealing with this at the office managing worries about devaluation. I won’t have Maribel’s name dragged in the dirt.
I know I will need go to the office today. I need to show a calm, commanding face to the world. There’s so much to do - we need a new strategy for the privacy breach, I need to put out a statement, and I need to charm and de-escalate the Board.
But first I need to make sure Maribel is all right. I won’t ever make that mistake ahead, of putting someone else - and my ego - over her well-being.
At first I assume she’s still in the bathroom. When I can’t find her, I think to go to my greenhouse next. I know she loves it there. But instead I look around the room, my gut telling me something is wrong before my mind does. Her jacket isn’t here. I storm to the closet. Her beat up sneakers are gone.
No, no, no, no, no. I move to call her when I realize that I still have her phone. With a growl of rage, I throw her phone across the room.
Focus. She couldn’t have been gone for longer than ten minutes. Once again, my instinct to comfort Maribel first was suppressed. I messed up.
I rake my hands through my hair. I want to storm off immediately. I want to get every single person I employ on the streets looking for her. I can’t bear to think of her out there in the world in distress.
For a moment, I give into doubt. I know I will always do everything in my power to protect her. But having a life with me comes with risk. Even though I cultivate a low profile, I will always be in the public eye. And our differences – our age gap, even the difference in our race – will draw scrutiny.
Suddenly, I stand in front of an enormous dark hole. The weight of years of striving to be better, to be the best, has kept me imprisoned in a cold and unfeeling mask. There’s still a part of me that wants to retreat. There’s still a part of me that believes that ending this now is for the best. That it would be easier to stay closed off to connection, warmth, love, and commitment.
To distract myself from the pain, I start looking through Maribel’s texts. I realize she doesn’t seem to have anyone she texts regularly and I wonder why I didn’t know that. There are just the recent texts with links to articles about our relationship.
I’m about to close her phone when I look through her photos. I study her most recent photo of me when I was cooking breakfast. It feels like a lif
etime ago. In the photo, my face looks completely different. Instead of looking stern and imposing, I look warm and open.
I imagine Maribel’s face – her expressive eyes, her sweet smile, her full lips, and the exact shade of her skin. And I know that there is no turning back. I could let her go. But I won’t. I won’t let something this precious slip through my fingers.
Even when our romance makes her vulnerable to sadness, worry, or stress, it’s still worth it. Because…I love her.
That love overwhelms me for a moment. Then, I stop fighting it.
It’s time for me to get the girl.
With a flash of insight, I think I know where she is heading. I don’t question it. I’ve had these moments of gut knowing before in business. But this just feels right.
In a matter of moments, I’m driving through the streets. I try to drive slowly, just in case she is on foot. I resist the urge to stop people to ask if they’ve seen her.
Eventually, I make it to Land’s End. The familiar roar of the waves steadies me. I frantically start to look for her. I start by the ruins of the Sutro Baths, then begin jogging down the trail, looking for her familiar silhouette. When I finally make to the labyrinth with no sight of her, I’m feeling hopeless. For a moment, I travel back in time to when we were here for the first time. I would give anything to have her by my side right now.
I’m already jogging back to the trailhead trying to make a list of places she could be, when I feel my phone buzz. It’s her.
Her: David, I am sorry I ran off. Can you meet me at the Conservatory of Flowers? We need to talk. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.
Me: Yes. I will be there. Please, wait for me.
I start running faster than I’ve run in years and then I’m zooming off to Golden Gate Park in my car. I’m so relieved that I know where she is there is no room for me to think about what she wants.
I hurriedly make my way to the entrance of the Conservatory, tossing a wad of cash at the attendant instead of stopping for a ticket.
The rich scent of earth and flowers is a familiar anchor. I pass through ponds with water lilies, rooms filled with potted plants, rooms teeming with tropical plants. Everywhere I look is lush and there is no sight of her.
I finally by the orchids when I see a shiny ponytail.
I still.
She’s here.
Her eyes are closed and I would give anything to know what she is thinking. She is sitting on a bench surrounding by orchids and I have never seen anything more lovely. She is a vision.
I move towards her cautiously and sit down beside her. She doesn’t open her eyes but I can see she senses my presence with a sharp inhale of breath.
“David.”
There is a question here.
I know it’s my time to let myself crack open.
“Maribel, I apologize for what happened. I can explain to you later about how I am going to take of the situation, but for now I want to confess to you. I’ve never thought of myself as a loving man. I thought being successful meant that I was complete. And even when I first noticed you, I only wanted to possess you. And I still do – it’s just more complicated.”
She opens her eyes slowly. Her eyes are dazzling. “David, I need to explain some things too. I need to apologize first. I should have never left you the way I did.”
I cautiously thread my fingers around hers. I finally let myself start to relax when she holds my hand back.
She turns towards me. “Ever since my mom died, I’ve been scared of being abandoned. I buried my rage and fury that I lost her and instead cut everything off. My only goal was to graduate college, and once I did, I lost the purpose that once animated me. So I’ve just been drifting along and not letting myself to live fully.”
I gather every bit of strength, determination, and bravery I have. “Maribel, I love you. I’m not infatuated. I’m not motivated by greed or lust. I love you.” I say it louder now, knowing that I will shout my love from the rooftops if that she what she needs. “And that means that I will be here. I will never abandon you. That means that I commit to learning how to be a better man and partner. And that I won’t ever give up on us.”
Her smile is radiant. It reminds me of every sunset I’ve ever basked in.
“David, I won’t give up on us either. I have a lot to learn and work on. I need to plant down my roots now. Our relationship is the center of the universe for me, but I also need to start welcoming my family back into my life. And I hope that you can be part of that family too.”
My heart is soaring. I’m incandescent with joy. “Anything, my love. I will support you as find work that you love. I will go to any and all family events. I will eat all of the food served, without complaint, no matter how spicy.”
She breaks off in laughter and gestures at a bag I hadn’t noticed. “Well you can start with this. It’s from my aunt. She told me if words don’t work in mending our relationship, her mole would.”
I laugh with her and it feels so damn good. To share a life, to make something beautiful from the sharing, and to be open to the transformation love brings, no matter how uncomfortable.
Maribel brings our foreheads to touch. I could stay like this forever.
I have never felt so tender, vulnerable, and open to love. “I vow that I will always be striving to be better. That I will always be seeking wholeness with you. That our love will grow each day. That I will be here for you, for us, for myself. Through all of it.”
A wave of emotion washes over me. Speaking of vows, I can’t wait to put a gorgeous ring on her finger.
I inhale the scent of her. Every particle of my being belongs to her and her to me. She presses her mouth gently against mine and I feel everything soften. She pulls me close. And whispers in my ear, “I love you too.”
II
Epilogue
Epilogue
One month later
David
My orchid greenhouse has always been my sanctuary. It’s been a place for me to unwind, to put aside the heady weight of being a CEO, and focus on cultivating delicate beauty. I’ve been an exacting master here but there is peace in here.
In a month since I accepted and confessed my love to Maribel, I have found a sweet peace in my bones that I never imagined could be for me. I don’t need a sanctuary anymore. I have her.
Work has been hectic. I’ve been putting out fires constantly. The Board tried to maneuver me into a corner but I came out swinging. I had two big fucks ups as a CEO - the privacy scandal and then my relationship with Maribel. But having things out in the open helped me realize that I would do anything to be with her.
Luckily, there’s been another storm brewing in Silicon Valley - some tech company has been selling minors’ data - so for now the heat was died down.
I would do every part with Maribel all over again. She’s softened me, injected a purpose in my life that had flickered out, and helped me have a better sense of perspective on things.
I still have that relentless drive to succeed. I want to make Maribel proud and provide to her every need. But now it’s about her and the family I hope to create, not just my success at the office.
So while I’m still at the helm of the company, but I’m already exploring options to scale back. Maribel deserves my complete attention.
With Maribel’s love, I’ve started to relax a little away from the domineering mask I used to wear. I still am firm and brusque with staff. But I’ve made more of an effort to interact. I even stopped by the Christmas party. It was out of my comfort zone, sure, but I realized that my employees, some of whom are still terrified of me, are eager to get to know me.
I know that Maribel and Angelique, my PA, keep in touch. I’ve heard them chatting on the phone. I know that Maribel is proud of the changes I made. After learning more about how isolated she and other customer happiness reps felt at the company, I increased their pay to better align with other staff, expanded their offices, and integrated their voices at meetings. Anna wa
s initially resistant to the expnasion but she realized that gives her more people to boss around. I’ve even started developing a pipeline to develop their talent into other areas, like marketing, development, and sales.
I’ve also been more open with my parents than ever before. Saying that my parents are happy to learn about Maribel would be the understatement of the century. Of course, I’ve had to run some interference with my mom’s unrelenting baby talk. I don’t want them to scare Maribel off. But I know that Maribel has been drinking up their attention too, especially from my mom. I know how she craves a family.
Maribel is starting to let herself dream. She started with hushed whispers late at night and is now creating an actionable plan. She wants to create a community center in the Mission, emphasizing the arts and heritage, to support neighborhood kids. We’ve even talked about developing a small business incubator, in part so that the traditional forms of food aren’t just wiped up by gentrification but can hold their own. She’s already been in touch with Marta and they have plans to expand the Oaxacalifornia restaurant through the incubator.
Our love and desire has only deepened. Every day, I wake up grateful for her.
Maribel has given herself fully to me, and me to her.
I’ve learned that our desire is a double edged sword and I can’t help but lose some of myself in the flames too – our greenhouse has become yet another playground.
And even though I don’t need to seclude myself in the greenhouse anymore, it still has many uses.
Like pleasuring my delectable lover.
Today, Maribel is on her knees like the angel she is. She is deep throating my cock like a champ. I relish the feeling of my cock bottoming out in her throat.
We are surrounding by orchids, surrounding us their cold, perfect beauty. Maribel is so flushed and willing and warm.
Today, she’s been a good girl, so I let her stroke and pinch her nipples, knowing that her toying with herself will only make her need me more.
