by Karen Deen
I have no idea how much time we lose. I lay there mapping and plotting every single part of her and committing it to my memory. Those visions are what will keep me company at night.
Trying to still my mind, I have resort to taking big, long breaths. A sense of calmness comes over me when I hold her in my arms. I know now what I want and what I need to do. Glancing at my clock radio, it reads 4:00AM. I really need to get a little sleep, but I don’t want to miss one moment of her in my bed.
Finally, my eyelids grow heavy. Fighting hard, I keep them open until I can’t any longer. As I slip away into sleep, I know it will be the end.
Come morning, she will be gone.
Gone from my dream.
Gone from my bed.
Gone from my life once again.
This time, I know I have to let her go.
I love her so much I know I have to let her fly and just hope that one day, she will come back to me. It will hurt like a bastard but deep down, I know that to be able to keep her, I have to first let her go.
Knowing it and being able to do it are two different things.
Zara
Dreaming is the most peaceful place to be. There’s no pressure there. You feel easy and carefree. Everything you want is perfect and laid out just the way you want it.
Life is perfect because you’re creating your own story. The one where you’re happy and living the life you’ve always wanted.
I see my life dancing on stage, my studio and cute students. All being enjoyed from the warm embrace of Grant’s arms. I feel safe because it feels like home. I know I’m greedy in my dreams, but I want it all.
My dream feels so real. I feel the weight of his arm over my shoulder. With his breath on my skin, my body feels warm all over. As I start to break from my dream I hear a faint sleepy moan. My brain quickly kicks into being awake and my eyes fly open. I’m greeted by a wall of abs.
Grant. I’m in his arms.
Glancing around, it all comes back to me. I’m in his bed. The memories from last night play through my mind like a movie on fast forward. The feeling of peace in my body is one I haven’t felt for a while. Grant rescued me from myself last night. He knows me better than I know myself.
Trying not wake him, I slowly ease out of his strong arms. Sitting up ever so gently, I take a moment to look around. Last night had been a whirlwind of emotions that I hadn’t really taken it in.
Grant’s room is what I’d expected. Clean lines and plain coloring. The feature wall behind the headboard is a dark charcoal grey which is typical of Grant’s personality. It’s a strong and dominant feature in the room. The rest of the room is filled with solid timber furniture styled in greys and whites. I wonder briefly who’d played a role in styling the room. Whether he paid someone, his sisters, or if this was all Grant’s doing, I like it and it suits him.
Sitting on his bed with him sleeping soundly behind me, I can’t look away from the magnificent city view as the sun starts to peek its head up to start the day. It’s like I’m in my own little world so high up, where the sunrise is just for me. The longer I sit here, the more I understand why Grant fits so well in this home. This is him, hiding from the world while he takes a breath. Being able to take a moment of just being himself and not having to worry about anyone. To switch off the arrogance and just relax. I’m glad he has this space.
Watching the sun, I know I have to leave. I have a flight to catch and an audition to take. Turning to see Grant sleeping so soundly and peaceful, my heart sinks. This could the last time I see him. I take every single part of him and close my eyes to commit to memory. This is what will get me through the nights of loneliness that lie ahead for me.
Once again, I can’t believe I’m running away from a bed with the man I know is the love of my life, sprawled out and naked. I must be insane. I also know I have to be honest with him. Time to lay out my words for him. He deserves that much.
Remembering Grant ripped my clothes last night, I tiptoe quietly into his walk-in closet in search for some sweatpants and a sweater I can wear until I make it home. Smiling to myself, I see the majority of his hanging space is of suit after suit. Just variations of color. Well, to be honest, it’s all variations of black. Oh, my hot CEO. You certainly know how to wear a suit that takes my breath away.
Finding a pair of sweat pants and sweater, I slip them on. Being so small, his clothes swim on me. But at least they will get me out of trouble. I stand with the sweater over my nose for a brief moment, inhaling the scent that makes my body tingle. I have a feeling these are going to become a very important part of my wardrobe. The ones that make me feel safe and loved.
After taking one last look at the man who makes my heart and body sing, I turn and walk away, this time with purpose and direction. I know what I’m doing, and where I’m going and I’m finally at peace with it.
Putting the pen down next to my letter, I feel right about what I’ve said. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever written but Grant deserves more than to just wake up alone to an empty bed and no explanation.
Hearing the front door click behind me as I enter the hall, I know it’s time to move forward. Putting my hand on the door, I stand for a moment. Saying my last words, I know he’ll never hear. And then, I turn and walk away.
Grant
Even though I’m dreaming, I know what I feel is real. The warmth of Zara in my arms, her smell that envelopes me feels like home. I fight it throughout the night, but it still feels like the first time I’ve really slept in weeks.
My peace is short-lived.
I feel the slightest movement in my arms and I know this is the beginning of the great escape. I remain still, but her movements are slow. Gradually, her warmth leaves me. I know she won’t return. She’s running again. I want to reach out and grab her and tell her not to go. But she needs to do it this way. Today is too important to her for me to change that.
Hearing her in my walk-in wardrobe, I sneak a peek. It’s a vision I’ll never forget. Zara naked. Although her body is beyond beautiful, this image will forever haunt me.
I’m torn when she leaves my bedroom. Still feeling her presence here, I want to go to her for one last earth-shattering kiss, an embrace that will say everything I can’t. I have to stay true to my decision. So instead, I lay there just waiting. Finally, I hear the click of the door. My heart sinks, and then it takes over. I jump from my bed, striding fully-naked to the door. I can’t do this. What the hell made me think I could?
Just as I reach the door, I hear a soft noise on the other side. I stand dead still. Waiting. Is she on the other side changing her mind?
Stop being a bastard. You know you can’t open the door. For her sake, you need to let her go.
It’s all getting too much. I lean my forehead against the door only to hear the faintest voice through it.
“Wait for me,” it says and then moments later, it’s gone. Am I still dreaming? It’s hard to tell but I will hold on to those three words.
“As long as it takes, baby. Even if that’s forever.”
Not knowing how long I remain standing there, I finally lift my head and walk back to the bedroom. I need a moment. To everyone, I’m strong. But here in my home, I can let that guard down.
Passing my table, I catch sight of something. Deep down I know it’s a ‘Dear John’ letter. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to read it. My hand hovers over the paper. Contemplating my actions, I make my decision. Fuck it. I need to run. I can’t take this. I am not ready to break.
Throwing my runners on, I’m up and out of there. I need to breathe. This is the only way I know how. My feet hit the pavement on auto pilot. Trying to clear my head, the only thing I can see is her face. Over and over, I repeat my mantra as I put one foot in front of the other.
You are doing this for Zara.
She needs you to do this.
If you really love her, you will let her go.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Grant
> Today is going to be a long day.
For me and my staff.
I’m in the mood to rip heads off if people annoy me. The vision of the letter on my table burns inside me. I still haven’t touched it. Work is what I need today.
My secretary takes one look at me and goes straight for the coffee. She’s worked with me long enough to know some days we just don’t speak unless it’s necessary. Today is one of them. Do your job and I’ll be civil to you. Well, try to be at least.
I throw myself into work, assessing plans, answering emails, and responding to stupid fucking questions from contractors at the Branch Street project. My cell has been going stupid all morning.
“Mr. Stevenson, the contracts for the council are ready in Alesha’s office. She asked me to have you go and sign them.”
“Louisa, I told you unless the world is falling apart, I do not want to be disturbed today.”
“But, your sister, sir?”
“I don’t give a damn. I will see to it when I am good and ready. And I don’t want to see you through that door again today.”
Bowing her head, she exits my office. I can’t be sure, but I think I hear her mumble asshole as she leaves. I couldn’t care less. She needs to listen when I speak.
I threatened to sack two contractors this morning for being useless at their jobs. I have standards and if they can’t meet them, they need to just get off my site. I don’t give a shit if they’re having supply issues. Not my problem. Sort it out and finish my job. That’s all I care about. Don’t stuff me around.
I’ve been trying to get in contact with Luke for two hours when I eventually ring Lilly to find out if they know where the hell he is. My pissed-off level manifests when I recall his request for leave yesterday. I love him, but for fuck’s sake, I need him here. Just as I’m about to lose my cool, there’s a soft tap at the door.
“Busy!” I boom.
The door opens slightly, and I mutter under my breath about no one taking any fucking notice of me.
“Even for me?” Emily smiles as she pokes her head into my office.
“Sorry, Emily,” I try to tone it down. “Just not in the mood for idiots today.”
“Well, I hope I don’t fit that category?”
“God, no. What are doing here? Did Zach call in to pick something up?”
“No, no. I’m here on my own. I came to see you.”
“Why?” I ask a little too abruptly. I’m just not in the mood to talk to anyone. Not even Emily.
“That’s why.” She looks at me with those eyes that tell me she isn’t leaving.
My look of confusion has her closing the door, walking towards the desk and taking a seat.
“Grant, I know what today is. I know how you’re hurting. I also know you won’t ask anyone for help. Ever. Lastly, I also know that besides Zara, I’m the only one you trust.” Her voice is soft and sweet. Like her daughter, she knows exactly how to get me, in a way no one else does.
I run my hands up my face and through my hair with a heavy sigh. Hesitating, to let the brave act down.
“Fuck, Emily. I never thought being in love could hurt so much. I never even got the chance to feel the good part before I got to the painful part.”
“Have you spoken to her recently?”
I hesitated, but this is Emily.
“Last night, I took her home with me to my place, to look after her.”
She giggles. “Oh, I bet you looked after her.”
“She was a mess. It tore my heart out. I fed her and made her relax until she fell sleep.”
Emily has that stupid grin still on her face.
“Yes, Em, we slept together. Best and worst night of my life,” I growl.
Now the serious face returns. “How was she when she left this morning?”
“She snuck out. I knew she would and I let her. She left a note thinking I was still asleep, but I was awake for every darn second. I could hear her breathing, smell her scent and sense every movement. Killed me.”
“What did the note say?”
As much as I love Emily, this is touching a raw nerve. I stand and pace to the window. I hesitate before giving her an answer.
In a low tone, I mutter, “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven’t read it. I know it’s going to hurt too much. Fuck!! I am such an idiot. Why can’t I just walk away. See…this is why I never get attached. Why is the universe punishing me by letting me find her and then sending her away?”
“We don’t know she will get accepted into the company yet,” Emily whispers.
“Yeah, right. Have you seen her dance? Emily, she’s amazing.” The vision of the first night I stood watching her in the studio starts playing through my head. She’s born to dance. That’s her calling. That is where she needs to be. On stage, sharing her gift.
“Grant, you need to read that note. You have no idea what it actually says. If Zara took the time to write it, then the words are important to her and she desperately needs to tell you. She deserves to be heard. No matter how hard it is, you should respect her enough to let her be heard.”
“I just don’t want to hear that she doesn’t want me. Knowing it, and hearing it are two different things.” My head drops to look at the floor. I don’t want Emily to see how much this is tearing me apart.
“I’m going to say this the nicest possible way, because I love you like a brother. Man the fuck up, Grant!”
I nearly choke. I am not sure I’ve ever heard Emily swear. For her to say that to me, makes me take notice. On the inside, I’m also trying not to laugh. It did sound pretty funny.
“You show the world how tough you are. Now, show yourself. Whatever that letter does or doesn’t say won’t change the fact that Zara got on a plane to New York this morning and you are here, hurting. No words are going to make you feel any worse than you are already feeling.”
“Why, for such a little woman, are you so full of such wisdom? I’ll think about it. Thank you for caring.” I stand beside her and pull her up for a hug. Zach’s so lucky to have found Emily. What they share is a special, unbreakable bond. You only have to watch the way they look at each other.
I want my Emily.
I want Zara to be my Emily.
I want Zara.
“I can’t stay long. I’ve left Zach with the kids at the park. By now Sammy’s probably climbing trees, and Sophia will be standing under him telling him to get down because it’s too dangerous. Zach always tries to work out how he can catch Sammy if he falls, while protecting Soph from any man within a hundred-mile radius, all the while bouncing Thomas up and down in his arms to stop him from crying. Actually, I wish I could be there to film that.” We both start to laugh out loud at the vision she paints.
“He will definitely need rescuing and soon. You better get out of here.” I grab her hand. “Thanks, Emily. It really means a lot that you thought of me today. You’re a very special person, you know.” I grow a little embarrassed at my sappiness. “Now get out of here and go rescue my brother. Or better still, go and rescue my little princess from all those boys.”
She hugs me again before turning and heading out. Just as she’s about to close the door she stops and looks at me over her shoulder.
“Follow your heart, Grant. It will never lead you astray even if you think it will. Trust it. I did and look what it got me.” With a cute smile, she turns and is gone.
I sit down in my chair and lean my head back while staring out the window at the view. I try to focus again so I can get back to work. It’s proving difficult. All I can think of is Zara.
Where is she now? Has the audition finished? How did she do? Was she thinking of me?
If I sit here much longer, I’m going to go insane. Either that, or my bad mood will start raging again and my staff will be running for cover in all directions. If only Luke was here today, I would’ve been out of here by now.
I still don’t really understand where he’s gone o
r what was so urgent he just had to leave knowing Zach is still away. I’ll be drilling him when he returns. He frustrates the hell out of me most days. I just can’t seem to get him to take responsibility. He’s too busy mucking around and making a joke of everything. He needs to stop acting eighteen and grow up. He needs to step up while Zach is away instead of stepping out.
I bet he wouldn’t think of disappearing if Dad was still here. He would have clipped him around the back of the head and told him to get his ass to work and stop being ridiculous.
My office phone starts ringing, while a text message chimes on my cell. Emails are climbing the screen in front of me. I seriously don’t need this shit today. Just once, I would love to be like Luke and just walk away. Take time for myself.
That’s just not me.
I’m CEO of this business and head of the family.
It’s what I do. And it’s what I am good at.
It’s the only thing I know how to do and who to be.
Zara
Last night, Grant gave me the greatest gift. He will never understand how much I need him. The desperate need to be able to relax and sleep, he was able to give me. Running through my warm up, I feel how loose I am. My flexibility is back to normal. I feel free of all the weight that I’ve been carrying. Weight of my dreams, weight of Grant, and the weight of trying to just be me.
Still, in the back of my mind, I worry about him. I wonder what he felt when reading my letter. I thought maybe I would’ve heard from him but perhaps it’s better I don’t. Knowing him, he’s making sure my head is concentrating on what I need to achieve today. I need to finally block him out for the next few hours and do what I came for. This is it. No going back now.
I need to remember the dream. I’ve strived for this for so long. No matter what else happens, I need to walk away today, knowing I’ve given it my best shot. I can’t leave anything to doubt. For all the hurt Grant and I have been through, I need to make sure it was worth something.
