by Karen Deen
“Wow, nothing like tooting your own horn, is there.” Relaxing my arms around her, she pulled back enough to give me a little smile.
“Now, now, you seem to like my impressive horn. Want me to remind you just how much? He has missed you.” I kissed her tenderly on the forehead. Getting carried away with hot sex was not what Zoe needed. She needed to talk.
“Luke, I can’t. We need to talk first.” Wriggling up and sat against the bed head. When I opened my arms for her, she shook her head, surprising me. Before I could say anything, she explained.
“I need to do this. It’s time. I can’t use your strength. I need to use my own.”
Unsure if I should be worried, I braced my heart for what was to come. I had a feeling this would change us and maybe not for the better.
“Okay. The floor’s yours. My strength is always here if you change your mind.”
Zoe
The bravery I had felt earlier was now nowhere to be found. Looking at Luke patiently waiting, my nerves made my stomach roll. I pulled the sheet around me.
“I don’t know where to start.” My palms were sweating so I rubbed them up and down my thighs.
“How about you start by telling me what happened with the girls?”
Like it was that easy. I’d thought about this moment, telling Luke everything, so many times. Just breathe and start, don’t give yourself time to think.
“It wasn’t the girls. It was Andrew and his brother Peter.”
“Wait, what the fuck?” He sat straight.
“You need to listen and let me get through this. Please, Luke, otherwise I’ll struggle and stop.”
“Well, get talking and fast.” His voice was all concern.
I explained about Peter and what he was trying to do at the bar, then about Andrew turning up and further spooking me. Peter was dangerous. He was weird around our drinks and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He had no idea who I was, just like I had no idea about him. Luke was getting angrier by the minute, barely holding himself back.
“It’s okay, I’m not stupid. I know how to handle men like him. I did it for years in bars.” This wasn’t helping to calm him down. If anything, he was getting more worked up.
“You shouldn’t have to handle them, Zoe. Don’t worry, I’ll be handling Peter. That, I can guarantee,” he said gruffly. The protective Luke was here.
“No.” He needed to stop. This was about me.
“I feel very uncomfortable around Andrew, you know that. His brother makes me feel even more on edge. There’s something about both the men, I just can’t explain. It’s not a good thing. I know he is your friend, but he just gives me bad vibes. I don’t trust men, that’s my biggest problem. I work on that issue every day of my life. You are the only man I have ever let down my defences for. The only man I have ever trusted with my heart and soul.” I could see him somewhat relax.
“Luke, I need to tell you my whole story. I don’t think I’ll ever move past it until I do. Dr. Fordosa has talked to me several times about it. She said I would know when the time is right. It’s now, Luke, the time is right now.” My whole body fought against the panic, once more shaking. I needed to use every bit of strength I had. I needed this.
“Zoe, no matter what you are about to say. I need to tell you I l…” Quickly putting my finger to his lips, I silenced him.
“No, please don’t say anything until I’m finished. You need to know it all before you say that.”
“It won’t change how I feel,” he grumbled.
“Maybe not, but it’s what I want.” Pausing, I took a moment to get my head straight, sucking in a big breath. I could do this. I’d faced worse things in my life.
“You know my life growing up was bad. I have told you before, just never the details. It’s just so hard to talk about it. The only person who knows is my doctor. It took a lot for me to finally open up to her about everything. So, this is a huge step for me. This is how much I trust you with my fragile heart and soul.” Tears tried to escape but I held them in. I couldn’t break down, yet.
“From the time I was born, my parents didn’t want me. I was an accident and, to them, a mistake. They made sure I knew that. I paid for that mistake every day of my life. They repeatedly told me no one would ever love me or want me in this world. I was just trash. The only love I would ever find, I’d have to pay for. No one would want to have sex with me. Who tells their child that? That’s just fucked up. Then they worked out as I got a little older, they could use me to their advantage. I never had nice clothes or much food. I was given what was left after they finished eating.” Luke was sitting stiff by this stage. I couldn’t worry about him, I needed to concentrate on me.
“When I started school, they discovered I was useful. At first, I didn’t understand what was going on. As I grew older and wiser, I knew exactly what was happening in the house. They had a few nice, very short, frilly dresses for me, ones that hardly covered my knickers. They kept them in their room. They would bring them out and make me put them on when their male friends were coming to the house. Which was every night, different men. I hated it. I used to cry and tell them no, but I was so scared. They told me if I didn’t do as they said, they would let the men touch me in places I wouldn’t like.” Luke jumped from the bed, paced the room. I understood. It was as hard for him to hear as it is for me to say.
“Just so you know, no one ever touched me. I was lucky that way. Life could have been far worse. What I suffered was all psychological abuse.” I looked down at my white knuckles in my lap, nails digging into skin. Luke stepped toward me.
“I want to hold you, I need to hold you,” he pleaded to me.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “Not until I finish, please, otherwise I’ll break.” Nodding, he paced again.
“Basically, my mother was a prostitute, my father either used to watch or be involved, I have no idea. Plus, they sold drugs to the people who turned up. I was their ‘fluffer’. They used me to get the men all worked up before they went into the bedroom with my mother. They would say things like, ‘Look at our little girl, wouldn’t you like to have her? So sweet and innocent.’ I cried until I got old enough, then I just became dead inside. If I did what they wanted, they would give me food and occasionally a little money. I kept every penny and hid it next door in old Mrs. Dawson’s house. She was our sweet neighbor. She gave me food and looked after me. She knew something wasn’t right, but I wouldn’t tell her when she asked, I was too ashamed. So, she just did what she could and looked out for me. She didn’t have much either, and no family, so we just had each other.” Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought of her. She was the only one who ever saw me and cared.
Luke’s hands fisted at his sides, chest heaving. He was really angry and worked up. I understood the anger because I felt it, too. I also carried the hurt.
“Then, when I got older, they also had me delivering parcels to houses, swapping them for other parcels which I discovered were money. I was delivering drugs. Fourteen years old and I was a drug courier. Who the hell does that to their child? How can you do that to your own flesh and blood?” Looking up to Luke, he was hanging on by a thread.
“When I was seventeen, Mrs. Dawson got sick. She knew she was dying. She told me one day where my box of money was hidden and that I needed to take it that night and run away. It was time. Time for her to part from this life and time for me to start a new one. I sat and sobbed in her arms. We planned, and that night after Mom and Dad left to go out after their little session at home, I grabbed a bag and took everything I could carry. I snuck next door and picked up the box on the table, which had a letter on top and a parcel of food she’d left me. I went into her room to say goodbye, but she was gone. She’d passed away in her sleep. I kissed her and said a little prayer, hoping someone would keep her soul safe. I walked out the back door, caught the first bus that pulled into the station, and never looked back. I didn’t even know where I was headed. When I opened the box and the letter Mrs.
Dawson had left, I sat on the bus and quietly sobbed. She’d put in some of the little money she had been putting aside for me. She was truly my fairy godmother. There was enough for me to eat and find somewhere to stay until I got my first serving job.”
I was breaking and Luke couldn’t take it any longer. He wrapped me in his arms, rocking me trying to soothe me while I sobbed. He too was crying.
“Why didn’t they love me? All I ever wanted was a mom and dad who loved me, like everyone else had.”
“I know, baby, I know. They were the trash, not you. They didn’t deserve to be your parents. Not for one second.”
Although I was completely shattered, my inner strength was building. Finally telling Luke was making me want to say more. I needed to get it all out.
“As fucked up as it sounds, that’s why I went to bars and picked up men. I was proving them wrong. Proving men would have sex with me without paying for it. Proving I was in control. Truth be known, I was so far out of control I was on a big downhill slide.”
“It makes sense, Zoe, I don’t care what you did. You fought to survive. That’s the main thing. You didn’t let them win.”
“Luke.” I now needed to look into his eyes. I needed to show him what he meant to me. “That night with you, you saved me. You made me feel. I didn’t know what the feeling was and it scared the hell out of me. You felt so different. You didn’t treat me like the rest of them did. Although I was just a one-night stand you still showed me respect and you cared. I didn’t go out after that night. I just couldn’t. I found Dr. Fordosa, then started trying to heal myself. I wanted to live a normal life and find love. Normal, everyday love.” Luke wasn’t holding back. He was crying for me. I wiped the tears from his face, and mine.
“It’s finally happened, Luke. I found love. I found it in you. I love you, Luke.” Before I could say another word, he was on me. Kissing me with such passion, our lips devouring each other, tongues exploring. Hands moved, grasping at each other’s body. I just wanted to crawl into his lap and get as close to his heart as I could. Luke had other ideas. Stopping abruptly, he pushed me onto my back, placing his hands on either side of my face, leaning on his elbows.
“My beautiful, Zoe. I love you with all that I am. Never doubt that. We are one soul, never to be apart.” With that, his cock filled me in one thrust. We didn’t move. Instead, we just laid there, joined, feeling everything. I was his and he was mine. That was all that mattered.
He moved his hips, slowly, my body responding and rising to meet his thrusts. “Let me show you what making love is, kitten. No man has ever made love to you. I will be the only one. The first and the last. I’m never letting you go. This is love, Zoe. You are loved.”
I cried the whole time until we both reached that incredible high and climaxed together. Laying on Luke’s chest, I closed my eyes and fell into the most peaceful sleep.
Finally, I was home.
Luke was my home.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Luke
I couldn’t sleep.
She was here. She was mine.
I should have been overjoyed and feeling like I could touch the moon. Instead, I just wanted to punch something or someone. I knew whatever Zoe had been holding back from me all this time must have been bad. I wasn’t prepared for it tonight, though. My beautiful girl. She lived through absolute hell as a child. Yet, look at the woman she had become. Kind, caring, amazing. All a credit to herself and not the scum who gave her life. I couldn’t call them parents because they didn’t deserve that title.
Looking down at her sleeping so peacefully on my chest, my heart swelled. She would never hurt like that again. I’d make sure of it. She was mine and nothing or nobody could ever change that. We still had so much more to talk about in the morning. I needed to know what was causing the panic attacks now. She mentioned the first time she had one with me that it was the first time in years. So why was she having them now? What had triggered them off?
I wanted to help her with everything. It was time I spoke to Dr. Fordosa with Zoe if she wanted. She could tell me how I could help Zoe get stronger, plus tips on how to stop things triggering her anxiety.
I didn’t know what it was about Andrew. There was something there with him that seemed to trigger her anxiety. I trusted him. We had been mates for so long. I just wished she could see him the way I did.
I wished I could take this all away for her. I knew I couldn’t but what I could do was ensure whatever it was, stopped hurting her.
Maybe now she would let me tell everyone about us. Surely, if they all knew then it would make her less anxious about her happy life being taken away from her. Fuck, I wanted to be able to hold and kiss her whenever I wanted. To tell the world she was mine and she was loved. Unsure of what tomorrow would bring, we needed to talk and sort out our plans. What I wanted really didn’t count because I would do whatever Zoe needed to help her heal. I wanted her at a place where the past reappeared, and the only thoughts she had were the ones about the present and future. I would star in both those visions.
The sound of her light breathing was so serene, its sweeping touch as light as a feather on my chest. Clearing my head of everything I’d heard, I began drifting to sleep. I didn’t need to dream that night because my dream was here in my arms. Where she belonged.
Zoe
Have you ever had that feeling waking up when you wonder if the experience was a dream or reality? Before I opened my eyes, I smelled Luke. His aftershave was a scent I could never get sick of. It made me want to run my nose along his skin, breathing him in.
Wait.
My eyes flicked open realizing I wasn’t dreaming. Luke was here, in my bed.
Naked.
Sleeping, with his arms wrapped around me and a smile on his face.
Memories of last night came flooding back. The talking, the tears, the fear, the calm. Most of all, the love.
He loved me. After everything I said, he still loved me.
I just wanted to take it all in. So many times, I longed for someone, anyone, to say those words to me. Three simple words. Unfortunately, I heard three words quite often growing up, ‘I hate you’. Three awful words that hurt like someone stabbed a blunt knife through my heart.
One day, I hoped to have my own children. From the moment they were born, they would hear those three precious words from my mouth, until the day I died. The power of love to a child can never be underestimated. Looking back, I knew Mrs. Dawson loved me like a grandchild and I loved her like the only family I had. We just never spoke of it. It was the silent tie that bound us together. I would never forget what she did for me. I wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for her. I hoped she was resting peacefully wherever she was.
Luke and I had slept together many times, but last night was different, like I’d been holding back a piece of myself from Luke. Until I gave him that last piece, I knew deep down, I would never feel whole.
Last night was so hard but so cleansing. Finally, there was nothing between Luke and me. He knew everything. The good, the bad, and all the ugly.
“You are thinking too hard, kitten.” His warm voice rumbled from his half-conscious state. “The noise of the grinding cogs in your head woke me up.” His rumble turned to a slow laugh.
“Good morning, funny man. Thought you were still sleeping. Your eyes were closed, and you haven’t moved since I woke.” My hands wandered over his abs. Washboard abs definitely applied to Luke. Hard, strong, and ripped. Just how I liked them.
“Perfectly drool-worthy.”
“Yes, and they are all yours.”
“Good, well you just remember that when you start flashing them around outside of this room.” In one swift move, Luke pinned me to the bed and straddled me. With arms above my head, I couldn’t move. With his free hand, he searched for my tickle spot. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to hold my breath, thinking of something else, but nothing worked. Within seconds, Luke had me in hysterics, tears pouring
down my face, and almost wetting my pants. I’d tried so hard to find Luke’s weak spot, with no such luck.
“No, Luke. Be nice! I haven’t been to the toilet, yet. You don’t want a wet bed, do you? You know what happens if you touch me there.” His eyes lit up.
“So, what are you going to bribe me with? What will I get if I don’t tickle you?”
“Well, firstly, you get a dry bed.” We both laughed while I tried wriggling free from his strong hold. I gazed up at him. “Secondly, I will trade positions with you. Then we can wait and see what arises.”
“I know exactly what will be rising and so do you. There’s no way I can lay here with you sitting on top of me naked and not be wanting to be inside you. Just like I do right now.” Leaning down, he whispered, “Come to think of it, I want to be inside you all the time. Just like now. Is that what you want, baby? Me, inside that wet pussy of yours?” He went from being the funny Luke, to hot and seductive. I could never say no.
My breath hitched at the mere thought of pleasure. “You make me feel so good. I will always want you.”
“This time, you don’t get the slow, loving sex. I want to fuck you, hard, hearing you screaming my name, over and over. Brace yourself, baby, I’m about to rock your world.” His grin lit up his face. This was a moment I would remember. My memory treasure box in my head was starting to fill up. For years, there were only a few things I would store there. Things that no one could ever take away from me. Since meeting Luke, my box was overflowing with treasured moments. Some sweet, some so damn hot they were X-rated, never for public sharing. This particular morning was going to be one of those moments.
“Take me hard, remind me who I belong to.” That was what I wanted. I couldn’t just know it, I needed to feel it. I knew it was because of my childhood, but I was always going to be needy. Somehow, I couldn’t imagine that being a problem with Luke. If he could, he would’ve already made sure the world knew I was his.
