by Karen Deen
Reaching the peak of the mountain, I stand, taking in the view. I wish Ally were with me. I think she would really love to sit here and look out over the valley. I can’t believe she’s the first thing I think of while looking out at the view. This time yesterday, I hadn’t even met her and now I can’t get her out of my mind. It’s a sensation I don’t quite know how to handle and it’s not one I’ve ever had before.
The noise of twigs snapping under feet and the sound of breathing startles me, spinning around to see who is behind me has my heartrate racing. I thought I was alone, but obviously not.
Chapter Six
Alesha
“Aunty Lesh, look at me. I can ride Patchy all by myself now. Daddy doesn’t have to hang on to the reins anymore. I learneded all by myself…well, with Daddy’s help,” Sammy is yelling out to me from the middle of the kids’ riding paddock that Zach has set up for them. It’s a small paddock where they are safe on the horses. He bought them as a wedding present when he married their mom. Here, they can learn to ride and get their confidence before heading out to ride on the rest of the farm.
“I can see you, Sammy, and the word is learnt, not learneded.” I chuckle to myself. He has improved a lot with his reading since I have known him, but he is still a long way behind Sophia. “You are getting so clever, Samuel, you will be a better rider than your dad soon.” Zach laughs at me.
“He is already a better rider than his Aunt Alesha, that’s for sure.”
“Wow, thanks big brother. Riding is not my thing, all right? You know I am not very confident at adventurous things.”
Sophia, sitting beside me, reaches over and puts her hand on my arm. “It’s okay, Aunty Lesh, I am not very good at it either. I get scared being up that high. Daddy says I am getting better, but I will never be as good as Sammy.” Her quiet little voice shows how insecure she still is in some ways, although she has come a long way from where she was.
“That’s okay, honey, we can’t all be good at the same things. We’re all different and have different talents. I bet you’re better at dancing than Sammy is.” A smile creeps up her face and she nods. “See, we all have talent at different things. You just keep doing the things you love and feel you’re good at. The other things you want to try, have a go at them and just keep trying. You will get there if you keep practicing.” I reach out and pull her to me to hug her, then, just to get her laughing again, I give her a little tickle in the side which has her wriggling and giggling trying to get away from me.
“Look, here comes Mommy with Thomas. He must be awake now.” Sophia jumps down from the fence and runs towards Emily. She’s never far from her mom and her baby brother. It’s so cute. I’m not sure how helpful she is but it’s all out of love that she wants to be there with them. I turn back to watch Sammy riding, so he doesn’t feel left out, and notice Zach. The look of love and adoration he has in his eyes as he watches his wife and son walk towards him. The son he thought he would never have, a little one that is so precious to them. He doesn’t treat him any different than the twins, but we all know that we are blessed to have Thomas in our family.
“Time to hop off Patchy now, Sammy. We need to give Sophia her turn on Bubbles.” Zach takes the reins to lead Patchy back to the yard where there is the water trough and place for the kids to hop off the horses safely. Sammy starts to protest and a few quiet words from Zach has him stopping before the sentence is even finished. Zach might be a pushover as a dad, but he is also making sure they grow up with manners and learn the right way to do things and treat people. Watching him help Sammy take off the saddle and reins for Patchy, has my ovaries twinging. One day, I hope I will find the man to live my life with and have our own little family.
“Alesha, can you take Thomas while I take Soph over and help to get her saddled up on Bubbles?” Emily asks coming up beside me, lifting Thomas up into my arms where I’m sitting.
“It is a hard job, but I think I can manage it.” She laughs at me as she walks towards the yard with Soph.
“Hey, little man. You look like you had a nice sleep and I think Mommy has just fed you, too. What more could a little boy want to make him happy, hey?” A little grin comes across his tiny face. It’s like he is answering me, but we all know it will just be from wind. I didn’t know much about babies before Thomas was born but I have learnt a lot just from watching and listening. I know when my time eventually comes that I will be the crazy book lady. Reading every book ever written on how to be pregnant, how to have a baby, how to raise a baby and the list will go on. My poor future husband will think I am a lunatic, but I won’t care. I can’t do anything new unless I have researched it until my eyes bleed.
Thomas snuggles into me. I lean down to kiss him on the forehead and run my nose down his cheek. The smell of a baby to most women turns us to mush. You can’t think of anything except how cute they are and how you want to take them home with you. It blocks out the thoughts of two am feeds, changing shitty nappies, and the screaming you just can’t stop because they can’t tell you what’s wrong. All that is forgotten when they’re sleeping peacefully in your arms, snuggling in to your chest.
My peace is broken as Sammy climbs up the fence behind me. “Look at Sophia, Aunty Lesh. She is riding really good, isn’t she?”
“She sure is. Won’t be long and you will be teaching Thomas how to ride Patchy.”
“No, he will have his own horse. Daddy said Patchy is all mine. I’ll be the best teacher, won’t I? That’s what big brothers do. Soph won’t teach him because she can’t ride as good as me.” Sammy, as per usual is talking without taking a breath.
“It will be a long time before Thomas is ready to ride so Sophia might be a really good rider by then. You’ll just have to wait and see. It’ll be nice if you keep helping her and encouraging her to keep trying. Just like she helps you with your reading sometimes.” I can see him trying to take in what I have just told him.
“Okay, I will try to do that. But the big brother always looks after the others, like Uncle Grant does. He is the boss of all of you. He says he looks after you all. I am going to do that too when I’m big.”
Looking determined, he turns back to call out to Sophia what a good job she is doing. All I can think is poor Sophia, Thomas and any other children who come along. If Samuel turns out anything like Grant, then they will think he is as big a pain in the ass as we do with Grant. I love that he wants to look after us, but seriously, we are all adults. Pretty sure we know how to live our own lives by now. Well, maybe, except Lilly, but that is a whole other story.
Sitting here, I start to remember all the times Grant has been there for me. If I am truly honest with myself, he has always protected me and made me feel safe. I shouldn’t complain as there are plenty of people out there who aren’t as lucky as me to have a family that look out for each other. He tries to act all tough but deep down has a big heart and loves us all deeply, which is where the protective nature comes from.
“Sammy, just remember when you’re bigger that you need to be kind when you are trying to look after them. Don’t be too bossy, because they might not like that. Okay?” He nods his head even though I know he doesn’t really understand what I mean. One day it will sink in when his siblings are yelling at him to back off and stay out of their lives. I can’t wait for that day.
After watching the kids riding, we head down to the river for a picnic lunch. Emily has packed a basket full of goodies. I don’t know how she does it. She is a super mom in my eyes. Laying down on the blanket under the shade of the trees with her, listening to the laughter coming from the side of the riverbank. Zach has taken the kids down to teach them how to skim rocks on the water. He has Thomas in the pouch on his chest, which gives Emily a little time to relax and just breathe without someone needing her.
“Have I told you today how wonderful your brother is?” She giggles as she lays back on the blanket next to me.
“I hope you are just talking about how great a father he is, becau
se anything more than that is too much information for a sister to handle. Listening to Lilly most days is enough to make my ears bleed.” Emily is now laughing so much she is grabbing her stomach.
“Alesha, don’t make me laugh so hard after I have just had a baby, otherwise I will pee myself. Something you won’t understand until after you have popped out a couple of those large Stevenson melon heads. They wreck you for life. Let me assure you.” Now that is something I don’t want to hear. I can already feel my legs squeezing together at the thought of it.
“Are you trying to say we have big heads in this family? Maybe the boys, but not me. I’m a delicate flower. Daddy’s little princess, I was called when I was born. But then came Lilly, who became everyone’s princess.” With that we both burst out laughing. I love Emily, she’s the best sister-in-law I could ask for. So down to earth and motherly. She is so easy to talk to. I have Lilly, but she gets carried away so easily, sometimes it’s just nice to have Emily to talk to now as well.
We both settle down and lay silently enjoying our surroundings. Xavier is creeping back into my head through the silence. I sigh a little at the frustration of not knowing how to keep him out, or if I even want to.
“What’s wrong, Alesha, that was a big sigh from someone who never has any worries in her life?” I think of making up some story or just telling her that it’s work but the way she is looking at me I know she will see through that.
“To be honest, I don’t even know. The best way to describe the situation is confusion.” I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Emily rolls onto her side so she’s looking at me with eyes full of motherly compassion.
“I’m here if you need to talk. I’m a good listener.”
“Please don’t say anything to Zach, or anyone else for that matter.” I know I don’t need to say it to her. I trust her to just listen and help me work out what the hell is going on in my head.
“Of course not. This is girl talk. No boys allowed. Plus, Lilly, we both know she always takes everything to the next level way before we’re ready to go there. Although, I can never thank her enough for the push I needed to tell Zach how I really felt. Even if I was totally freaked out at the time.”
“She can be like a steamroller when she gets an idea in her head. Problem is, she already has a bit of an idea what’s going on here, but I have pleaded to her to stay out of it. How long that lasts remains to be seen.” We both grin at that thought as we know it won’t be for long.
“So, can I take a guess that this is about a guy?”
“Ugh, how did you guess? You know I’m hopeless with men, unless it’s in a work environment.” I run a hand through my hair and sweep it over my shoulder to my front. It’s almost like I want to hide behind it. I decide it’s time to just say it, so I can maybe get some advice on what to do.
“Last night at the bar we met Zara’s friends, Natalie and Xavier. Do you remember?” Her nodding prompts me to keep talking.
I continue on and catch Emily up to speed on the details of our night out. She listens intently only getting a little side-tracked when I mentioned Luke and Zoe finally getting together. I don’t blame her because that was certainly a highlight for us all. After getting to the end and feeling like part of the weight on my shoulders had been lifted, I sigh while looking at her still trying to process everything I told her.
“So how do you feel when you are around him?” she asks.
“There is some sort of connection between us that I don’t know how to describe. He was flirting with me, turning every word he said into a sexy innuendo. I have no experience with that. I don’t know how to cope with it. Lordy, it turned me on, though. Made parts of me stand up and take notice of him. He did his best to try to make me laugh and relax so that we were talking a little by the end of the session. Which was amazing.” I check to make sure that Zach is still by the river and can’t hear a word I’m saying.
“So now Lilly has signed us up for more training sessions, which means I’m going to see plenty of him. Literally. I mean his arms and body in gym gear is hotter than should be allowed. Every woman in the gym was eyeing him the whole time they are there. There is no way he is going to be interested in me. I’m nothing compared to them. Hence, my dilemma! I have this weird attraction to him, but I can tell he’s bad news. Not my type. Too confident for me, and he’s a ladies’ man! There’s no way I am getting involved with a player. He even owns that by calling himself the pussy whisperer.” I slap my forehead in frustration to the position I’m in.
“Wow, now that is a really confident man to own that title. I’m surprised by it because the brief few minutes I spent with him last night I never would have picked it. He seemed lovely and was a real gentleman. I also can’t imagine, if that was the case, that a man like that would bother chasing you. Anyone can see you are quiet and shy and not what a ‘pussy whisperer’ would chase after.” She is giggling by this stage. “You do realize how ridiculous that name sounds, right? I mean, any woman who found that out would surely run the other way. Of course, that is if it’s true, or maybe it is just a stupid made-up name that has stuck. Rather than defend it, he has decided to just own it.”
“Now you see my problem. I can’t even talk to a man without stumbling over my words. How am I even going to keep up with someone like Xavier?” My heart is aching a little. Part of it wants to try to get to know him better, the other part is yelling at me to run for the hills, far, far away from him.
“Take a big breath, Lesh, and relax. You are overthinking this. Why don’t you just sit back and try to get to know him first through your training sessions. Maybe he might help you overcome your fear of talking to men. Take it slowly and just think of him as a friend. If he is any kind of gentleman, he will not push you further than you want to go. That will be the best way to see if the name fits the man or if it’s all just an urban myth.” Everything she says makes sense, however, I’m uncertain if I can put it into practice.
“Easier said than done. You do know I am the queen of overthinking things. That’s how my brain works. At times it is an asset, but in times like this, it can cripple me before I even get started.”
“The way I see it, you’ve met a guy that you like. He is being nice to you and flirting a little with you. That makes you feel good and a little off-balance. These are all good things, Lesh. Now the next move is up to you. You can run scared like you usually do, or you can just try to be friends with him and see where this goes. There is no pressure and you can walk away at any time. Simple, really.”
Simple, for Emily and Lilly who told me the same thing. Make friends with Xavier and see where it goes. If I could make friends that easily with guys, then I wouldn’t be feeling so crazy right now. There’s got to come a time when I finally grow up and try to do this. A woman of twenty-five needs to be able to talk to men. Otherwise, I’ll never find a husband or have the family I dream about. I have no idea where this will go with Xavier, but I will treat him as my training partner for more than the exercise. He can train me how to get to know a man. Then the next time I meet someone I like, maybe I will handle it so much better.
“Em, how did you feel when you first met Zach? Did you feel funny?”
“I’m not sure I’m the best person to ask, if you are going to compare. If I’m honest, I fell for Zach that first day he walked into my apartment. Did I feel funny? I’m not sure that is the word I would use but I certainly felt something. Just remember, I was having a shitty day, and I wasn’t sure how to take what I was feeling. I didn’t know if I just saw him as a knight in shining armour for helping me or the ridiculously hot guy that made me tingle even when I was feeling crap.” Her eyes wander to where Zach is crouching behind Sophia, with his arm holding hers, trying to get the rock skimming for her.
“I think the best I can do for you, is to tell you to follow your gut instincts. They very rarely steer you wrong. I had a stranger in my house that day. I had to make the decision if I could t
rust him around my kids. I didn’t even know one thing about him, but my gut told me it would be okay, and we were safe. What is your gut telling you, Alesha? That’s what you’ve got to work out.” Wriggling closer to me, Emily puts her arms around me and draws me into a hug. “Take it slow, you will know if he is the one soon enough. Trust yourself.” Emily’s calmness is rubbing off on me. For the first time since last night, I feel like I can breathe a little.
“Mommy!” the twins yell, breaking the silence as they run up from the river.
“One day at a time. Just remember, I’m always here if you need me.” Those were the last words we got out before both the kids were jumping on top of us and talking non-stop about the rocks.
I want this, more and more every day; a family, a husband, but more importantly, a man who loves me for all my awkward dorky glory.
Chapter Seven
Xavier
The branches on the bushes at the edge of the trail are moving, being pushed aside by the hiker. Slowly, the mystery person steps out from the leafy screen.
“Dana, what are you doing up here?” She is the last person I am expecting to see. Dana is a client of mine from the gym I’ve been training for the past few years. She doesn’t really need it, but she insists on continuing her sessions. She doesn’t want Natalie to be there for the training, just a one-on-one with me. She’s clingy, and one of those women who you know is looking for more than just the gym session. I have played along with her constant flirting and given her what she wants during the session. In the last month, however, we have gone from just the normal banter and batting of eye lashes, to not-so-subtle touching me as she talks. That has then progressed to the brushing of her breasts against me as she walks past. She could not be any more direct if she tried.
