by Karen Deen
He still makes me laugh and his humour is never far from the surface. I wonder if he uses that humour in the gym as a shield to the constant flirting. It worries me to wonder if I will cope with other women still being all over him. What if he gets tempted, or finds a better option? Maybe I’m just the first girl to come along, since he’s had this urge to change his life. Here my mind goes again. Trying to find any reasons why he shouldn’t like me. It’s weird that I’m so insecure. I come from a great family who always love and support everything I do in my life. I have never had anything major happen to make me have so much self-doubt, yet it’s just who I am.
Leaning on the railing and taking in the scenery, I can see a storm starting to roll in, clouds building, and the temperature is dropping a little. In the distance I can hear the rumbles of the thunder. It makes me think of how much I love to watch storms from my apartment. Rolling across the valley, lightning that crackles across the sky lighting up the darkness. Especially in the cold winter, snuggled up by the fireplace, glass of red and a book, safe from mother nature’s fury. Not so much fun, though, when you are stuck out in the storm driving or running trying to get inside. Perhaps here on the top of the building is not exactly safe either.
A storm is sort of like my love life. My apartment is like the little bubble I choose to live my life in. I watch the chaos outside from a distance. At times I feel the electricity that’s building and that there may be something about to happen. Then things fizzle to nothing and life moves on.
Xavier, on the other hand, is like a tornado that is forming inside my bubble and building the gravitational pull to the eye of the storm. He is certainly a whirlwind, and I’m not sure yet if he is just getting ready to let loose and cause mayhem and destruction of everything around him. Or is he the peace that’s in the eye of the storm? The craziness spins around the eye but deep in the centre it is quiet and calm. Is that my Xavier?
I need to find out.
Do I want him to be my Xavier? That is also the big question in my head?
The cracks of thunder are getting louder. I can hear the swirl of the wind coming through the trees toward me. Time to head back inside – it’s not safe to be out here in a storm.
Heading back down in the elevator, I know I’m just substituting the storm outside for the Lilly storm that will be waiting for me inside. Giggling to myself, I walk back to my office. I’m not sure which storm will be louder and more dangerous. I’m getting ready to block my ears for the squeal.
Silence greets me. To say I’m shocked is an understatement. I imagined her hovering over my desk, sitting in my seat waiting for me.
Am I relieved? Absolutely!
It won’t last long but I’ll savor every bit of extra time I’ve got.
Getting stuck into work helps my mind calm. I can start compartmentalising my thoughts and worries while I go through the motions of my work. I’m concentrating so hard I don’t hear movement in my office until he speaks.
“How’s my baby girl today?” I jump a little with my dad’s deep voice. Grabbing at my pounding heart.
“Daddy, you scared me, sorry I didn’t hear you come in.” My heart is starting to slow back to a normal rate.
His chuckle fills my office. He is a larger-than-life man who has this presence about him wherever he is. Not a loud man, but one whose mere presence demands respect, in a beautiful way. Growing up, I loved him like any little girl loves her dad. I could do no wrong in his eyes. As I have grown, my love for him has grown with me. I now appreciate everything he did, and continues to do, for us as a family. What he sacrificed and how hard he worked to give us what we needed. His love for us was never compromised, though. While Mom did most of the day-to-day raising of us kids, Dad was out working hard building up this company. What started out as a one-man show now supports six families effectively, including Mom and Dad even though they’re retired. He may not be working anymore but this company will always be his baby until the day he dies.
“Sorry, sweetheart, you were concentrating, I didn’t want to disturb you, just wanted to say a quick hello while I’m here.” He leans down giving me a kiss on my forehead.
“You never disturb me, Daddy, I am always glad for a visit. Is Mom with you or have you been let out alone today?” I rise from my chair to give him a hug. Nothing ever beats a hug from your dad, well except maybe your mom. Depending on what sort of comfort you’re looking for.
“I snuck out alone. So, if Mom calls, I wasn’t here, you didn’t see me, you know nothing. Okay, kiddo?” The stupid grin tells me Mom knows exactly where he is. The same place he comes to every few days because, although he is retired, it’s always hard to let go. He just visits a lot nowadays.
“Got it. How’s Mom, anyway?”
“Beautiful as always. That woman never changes. Except for getting bossier each day, but don’t tell her I said that. She thinks she is in control, but I just let her believe that. We all know who the boss is.” His cheeky smile and the wink with his greying bushy eyebrows make me melt. That man could not love my mother any more if he tried. They were made for a perfect fit and their relationship is what storybooks are written on.
I dream to have a marriage like theirs. One day when I feel the timing is right, I want to write a book. A romance novel that tells their story. It may never be read by anyone except my mom, though it wouldn’t matter if that were the case. Just being the hopeless romantic I am, my heart wants to record their love for all future generations of our family. It scares me to think that one day they won’t be with us anymore. The circle of life continues always, but I hope it’s a long way away yet.
“Okay, Dad, whatever you say. I don’t think either of you have ever changed or ever will.”
“Ah, that is not entirely true but that is a story for another day. Just know that we can’t go through life the same every day. We need to continually keep evolving to move through our journey. Who we think we are today and need to be tomorrow will be different than who we might end up being. Adapting to changing dreams and directions is one of the best life skills you can have. Just because you are a certain way doesn’t mean you can’t change. However, never let anyone else change you! No one has that right. The only person who can change you is YOU!” His voice is quite strong and pointing his finger into my chest, so I got the message loud and clear.
I have a feeling Dad’s little talk has a hidden message. All my life, Lilly in her sweet persuasive way has tried to get me to be more like her. It’s just not my style. Maybe Dad was letting me know that I need to stay strong and just keep being me. I think I just need to find that version of me and be happy with her. One of my worst habits, after the overthinking, is my lack of self-confidence. That is one part of Lilly I wish I could mirror.
“It’s okay, Dad, I hear what you are saying. Now, can I get you a coffee while you’re here? Or have you already had one?” I try to change the subject.
“Thanks, sweetie, I’ve just had one while I was chatting with Grant and Luke on where everything is up to.” In my head I am laughing at how much Grant would have loved that chat. He is the CEO of our company now and the only person he answers to is Dad. Dad may not hold any positions in the company anymore, however he is still the big boss whether Grant likes it or not.
Just like that, the silence is broken, the storm breaks, and Lilly enters the office.
“Oh. My. God, you’re back! What happened? Did he kiss you? Did you make him beg?” Far out, does she have to yell it any louder? I can see the look on Dad’s face changing instantly.
I’m glaring at her, begging her to close her mouth. Then she spots him, and her brain finally clicks into gear.
“Oh, Daddy, I didn’t see you there. Have you been here long? I was just, um, talking to Lesh about… a silly joke we have been playing. Isn’t that right, Alesha?” Too late, Lilly. Dad is not stupid.
“Hello there, my other little princess. Pretty sure there’s no joke involved, but I also know another thing. I sure as
hell don’t need to be involved in this chat with my two adult daughters. There is such a thing as too much information for a father. I need to head home anyway so I can spend some time with your mother, she is needing some attention.” There was a little bit of a devilish twinkle in his eye that has part of me swooning that they still love each other that much, and the other part of me is thinking, ooh… yuck, can’t picture my parents and sex.
“I’ll just say this before I leave. Any guy kissing my daughter has pretty high standards to live up to. Make sure he knows that. Understood?”
“Yes, Dad,” we both chime at the same time.
“Good. Love you both and see you soon.” A quick kiss on the forehead each, a hug tight enough to squeeze your insides out, three slaps on the back then he is out the door again, smiling as he’s leaving.
We both stand silently, waiting to make sure he is far enough away. Lilly closes the door softly and then the war of words erupts.
“I can’t believe you said all that in front of Dad!” I’m screaming at her while she is shouting her words to be heard over the top of mine.
“Answer my questions, spill the gossip. Is he as hot as he looks? Did he kiss you? Was he grovelling like I told him to?”
I’m sure she is oblivious to everything I am saying. She is just desperate to get the gossip on what happened. Seriously, Lilly lives in her own world most of the time. Must be a great place to be. She never gets stressed, is happy most of the time and very satisfied, if you know what I mean. Life is pretty dandy for her. So why does she need to be so involved in my life? In fact, I have wondered it for years but never really asked. My life never seemed interesting enough for me to care how much she intruded. Today, it is really grating on my nerves.
Just once I wouldn’t mind steering the ship myself. Just once!
“Lilly! Stop talking! You are not even listening to me.” Her mouth hanging open, she freezes. I’m not sure I have ever spoken that harshly to her before. Panicking, I want to take it back because I don’t want to upset her. My head, though, tells me to start standing my ground. So here goes.
“I didn’t want everyone to know yet. Especially Mom and Dad. You know what Mom is like. She will be at my doorstep tonight. That’s where you get it from, needing to know every single detail. I get that you care, but can you at least give me a chance to breathe and tell you in my own time without announcing it to the world?” My shoulders felt like they were up around my ears when I started my rant but now are slowly falling back down. I feel like a bit of weight is lifting off them. The look on Lilly’s face, though, is kind of priceless. Pure shock is all I can describe it as.
I need to smooth this over a little. Lilly doesn’t seem to know what is going on or what to say. “Look, I’m sorry, Lil, it’s just sometimes you need to calm down a little. I love you so much and I know you are just trying to help and love me too. Just… it gets a little bit much and you sound like Grant at times, needing to know everything about me and control my life a little too. Don’t get upset, just slow down. Let me tell you in my own way and own time. Does that make sense?”
She stands there, a little hurt and a lot confused. In some ways, I am, too. Why did I choose to finally say something? Was it Dad’s little random speech today? Or just that I am that far off kilter with Xavier turning up in my life that my normal conservative nature is not working properly. I don’t really know the answer, but I’ve done it now and can’t take it back. Time to pull up my big girl pants and own it.
“Okay,” is all she says. Turning slowly to walk to her desk.
Great, now I feel like crap for hurting her.
“Lilly, don’t be like that. I want to tell you, you just embarrassed me in front of Dad and pissed me off.”
“Is that all? Christ, talk about an overreaction, Lesh.” She spins and is in front of me before I can blink. “Now spill the beans.” Like water off a duck’s back. I give up. My life is your life Lilly, take what you want. I don’t think you will ever get what I mean.
“We had a picnic lunch in the park close by. Xavier brought several options of food so there would be something I liked.” I left out the part about the secret spot. That was special to him and not my place to share. It made me realize how big a deal it is to him that he has shared it with me.
“Come on, more detail. What did you eat?” Lilly devours every single word I’m saying. I continue to describe lunch. How we sorted out the misunderstanding with Dana. Mentioned about being friends so we can get to know each other. I did leave out the coffee date tomorrow. More importantly, I left out the chaste kisses, being carried in his arms and the words that he spoke during the time together that had me gushing. I just said he made me feel calmer than expected and I managed to be able to talk to him, which are both the truth. Lilly thinks it’s amazing and it’s a huge breakthrough for me.
I agree totally about the breakthrough. So much more than she even realizes. I feel good to have that detail still private. I’ll tell her soon, I just need a little bit longer to grasp it all myself.
“Okay, we need a plan for what you will start wearing to the gym from now on. It sounds like we need a shopping trip. Tomorrow at lunch, let’s go to the mall. We can go to that new sports shop. They have some really cool and sexy sports-wear. We can get some crop top sports bras that have the support but push your boobs up and out there at the same time.”
Remember what I said about when Lilly gets on a mission then she becomes like a steamroller? Well cue the construction crew to start the machine. She is winding up and has me fixed firmly in her sights. I need to warn Xavier tomorrow before she starts rolling over the top of him too.
“Whoa, stop right there. The gym outfits I have are fine, plus in case you haven’t noticed, my boobs are big enough they stick out all on their own. They don’t need any help from a bra, thanks, unless of course it is one that helps to contain them. Plus, Xavier has already seen what I wear, so why do I need to change it?” Lilly is looking at me like I have three heads. In her world, new outfits are a weekly occurrence, sometimes daily. She can’t even grasp why I don’t want to do this.
“Are you serious, Lesh? He sees hot women all day long while he’s training, in all the latest gym gear. I’m not saying you’re not hot, but we need to help keep his interest on your tits instead of theirs.” In all her helpful advice my sister manages to make me feel shit and start again thinking of why this is a bad idea.
I just want to be me, like what Dad said earlier. If I need to change for Xavier to like me or to hold his interest, then he is not the one for me.
I need to keep this at friend stage for as long as I can so there is less chance of my heart being crushed.
Though I’m not sure who is a bigger risk of crushing it, Xavier or Lilly.
Chapter Twelve
Xavier
Lying on the lounge tonight is just what I need. Who knew you could feel so tired from mental exhaustion instead of physical exercise? My body’s a well-tuned machine, which I train hard, though some days harder than others. Today wasn’t that tough, yet I feel like I’ve been through the ringer.
The debacle with Ally and Dana is the first time I felt completely out of control with a woman. It’s probably because Ally is the first woman who seems important. I haven’t even got to know her properly and yet I’m already running around putting out spot fires. I need to manage my timetable better so Dana and Ally don’t cross paths in the gym. Then somehow, I need to find a way to move Dana on to another trainer. Maybe my mate Will can take her on. He is a hard-ass trainer that won’t take any crap from her. I’ll talk to him tomorrow about some joint sessions, so he can charm her and make her think it was her idea that Will take her on as a client. That way, hopefully, her crazy crush will fizzle out and won’t be any more of a problem for me.
My phone vibrates on the coffee table. I’m not sure I have the energy to check it. The only reason I do is in case it’s Ally. The chances are slim, but I live in hope. As expected, it’
s not, just Kane instead.
Kane: You home?
Xavier: Yeah, but buggered.
Kane: Me too. Beer?
Xavier: Fridge empty but if you’re bringing some, I’m in.
Kane: On my way.
It’s unusual for Kane to not be up for a workout even when he’s tired. He uses it to relieve stress and tension just as much as he does for the fitness aspect. Helps clear his head. Maybe he’s all good and stress-free today.
“What a pussy. Look at you, lying on the lounge ready for your little sleepy-bye-byes at seven pm. Man the fuck up, will you?” Kane throws sarcastically at me as he plonks his ass down on the recliner opposite me.
“Wow, what’s up your ass, princess? Bad day with the crazy animals in the zoo again?” I say, joking until I see that look in his eyes that tells me he needs to talk. He’s past a workout to fix todays problems. I sit up and grab the beer he’s offering, watching him then take a long slow swig from his bottle.
“Wouldn’t believe me even if I could tell you it all. Some days I just can’t even try to process what makes the sick people in this world tick. You know I tolerate a lot, but some cases just really take every good part of my soul and make me question life. How one human being can do that to another human being, and not even think twice, just freaks the shit out of me.” Watching him just staring off into nothing, I leave him be for a moment to see if he wants to say anything else before I speak. You can tell there is something really eating at him tonight.
“I’m here for you, man, if you need to talk. You know I keep whatever you say within these four walls. Let it go if you need to, or you can just sit and drink and that’s fine too.” He continues to down his beer in silence until it’s gone. Then it’s like he sorted in his mind what he needs to purge and starts to unload it.
