by K E Osborn
“Not very long ago, but it was perfect. She’s perfect and I fucked up—”
“Caleb, stop! Just tell me what you did?” he asks and I shake my head.
“We weren’t together. She wanted to be just friends. But, we nearly slept together, and while that was happening, she got called into work. I went home confused and drank too much,” I say as Dad continues to rub my back.
“Okay, so you drank too much. What did you do while you were drunk, Caleb?” he asks and I turn my head in my hands and look at him. He looks at me sympathetically and tilts his head for me to talk.
“I rang another girl and she came over. We…you know…and she left the next day. I felt horrible and I didn’t tell Indi. Then Indi made us official and I thought it would never come up, but then Sasha kept showing up and calling and being annoying. She presented herself one day and told Indi that we slept together, and now Indi’s moved away again and I have no idea where she’s gone. I’ve lost her all over again, Dad,” I say while running my fingers through my hair and slumping back into the lounge suite.
“Hey, we all fuck up. Hell, we all know I have. But my fuck up was the best thing that ever happened to me. So sometimes there’s a silver lining in these things, right? Maybe she’ll come round. You didn’t actually cheat on her—”
“Yeah, but Sasha told her I did, and Indi won’t listen to me. You know her Dad, she’s so stubborn she just takes off when things get hard. She won’t stop and fucking listen,” I say rubbing my face in frustration.
“Look, I know Indi, she won’t have gone too far—”
I open my eyes wide in realisation. “The hospital? I can go and see her there,” I say and jump up to rush out.
Dad grabs my arm and stops me in my tracks. “Caleb, stop! No, that’s a terrible idea. You need to give her time. You know how she is, she’s flighty. If you go to her work, she’ll really be angry with you. Give her time. She knows your number. She knows you’ll be wanting to hear from her. Let her contact you. Don’t do anything dramatic, or you’ll risk her running away for good. It will take time—”
“I can’t wait another six years, Dad,” I say and he shakes his head.
“I don’t think you’ll have to. She’s more grown up now, and she loves you. Her love will bring her back. You really have to wait it out, son, but it will take time. You fucked up, Caleb. You now have to own it and be a man and let her have her time to calm down. She’ll be so damn angry with you, it’s not funny. But one day she’ll remember why she loves you, and will make contact. I’m sure of it,” he says and I exhale and nod and sit back down.
“What if she doesn’t…make contact?”
“There is that chance, but mate, you have to wait and see. She holds all the cards here. In the meantime, you need to put all your energy into the band. Distract yourself. Don’t go out drinking and drowning yourself in women. She will know. Just behave yourself, and keep distracted, okay?”
I swallow hard and nod. “What if I never see her again, Dad? What if the last image I have of her is of her tear-soaked face?”
“Don’t think about that, just remember the good times. I spent years without your mother and every day was torture. I acted out. I was addicted to drugs. I drank too much. I slept around with way too many women. I acted like a complete love sick jerk, and I do not want that life for you, son. So promise me if you’re suffering or feeling so down that you can’t pull yourself together, you’ll come to me and we’ll talk it out. You do not need drugs and booze or women to get you by. Me and your Uncle Colt should be good examples of what not to do.”
“This is so monumentally fucked up, Dad,” I whisper as I rub my face with my hands hard.
“I know. How did the press get a hold of all of Indi’s info?” he asks and I huff and shake my head.
“Because I’m a fucking dick head,” I say and he’s quietly looking at me.
I look back and shake my head.
“I was so confused about Indi that I vented everything to Sasha, the girl that fucked everything up, and she went and told the press everything about me and Indi. She’s such a whack-job, Dad. I met her three times, fucked her once, and she said she loved me.”
“Oh, one of those,” he says rolling his eyes. “They’re the worst. Look out for her. I’m sure you haven’t seen the last of her, Caleb,” he says and I nod. “And you’re not even that famous yet. Imagine what your groupies will be like if this girl loves you after meeting you three times? A fangirl will just look at you and claim she’s pregnant. It’s called the Immaculate Conception and it happened to me more times than I care to remember,” he teases and I half laugh and shake my head.
“If that’s how it’s going to be then I want out now,” I say and he laughs.
“Well, I won’t lie, there will be ones like that. But they are occasional, and the music is really all that matters, Caleb. You can’t throw it all away. Indi wouldn’t want you to,” he says.
I nod and crack my neck to the side. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Not sure I did much, but I hope I helped in some way. Just remember to keep distracted using normal vices like hard work and friends, not the usual rock star lifestyle,” he states sounding more like a nagging wife rather than a father.
“Okay, thanks,” I say as Mum walks over and places her hand on my shoulder in her usual nurturing manner.
“You feeling okay, baby?” she asks and I look up at her and shake my head.
“Not really, Mum, but thanks. And don’t call me baby, I’m twenty-three for crying out loud.”
“I’ve made bacon, and bacon makes everything better. So come and eat, and you can forget all about your worries for a while. How’s that sound?” she asks and I know she’s coming from a good place, I know she only wants what is best for me, but our relationship is strained. I know she loves me and I love her too, but our past issues and her lies about who my father was broke our relationship and even though she is reaching out to me now, I find it hard to let her in. And it’s not as easy as just being able to forget.
“I’m not that hungry, but I’ll come and sit with you guys. It’s been a while since we’ve had breakfast together. Well, it’s more like brunch now though.”
“Yeah, we had a late night, so we slept in,” she says and I do not want to think about why they would’ve been up late. That’s just gross and way too much information for my liking.
She walks off and Dad looks at me and raises and eyebrow. “I know how shit this is. I know how losing someone you love is the worst pain to go through. And doing it twice, I can’t even imagine. But I’m here, whenever you need me, okay?”
I nod and he leans in pulling me to him for another man hug. I embrace him tightly, and it’s nice that even with everything we have been through to get to this point, it’s great knowing he’s my biggest support.
I arrive home and even though I know Dad told me to give her space I need to keep calling her. It’s what I do. I pick up my phone and dial her number and get ready to leave yet another message. And so the cycle begins again. Her phone rings until voice message is activated like always, and I take a deep breath and then start.
“Indi, I know I fucked up. I know what happened was horrible, but you have to believe me when I say that since we made it official, I have never slept with anyone but you. I would never cheat on you, Indi. Never. My heart is yours for the taking. Although, right now, it’s only breaking. I love you, Indi, and I will keep calling. I’ll give you the space you need. I won’t try to find out where you’re living, and I won’t come to your work because I don’t want to embarrass you there. But I will keep calling. Even if that means I have to leave five voicemails every day. Even if you don’t listen to any of them, at least you will see that I’m still trying for us. Because I believe in us, Indi. I believe we can work through and past this. We just need to talk about it and get to the truth. Sasha is crazy and she wanted this to happen. So by not letting me talk to you, you’re letting her win. I just hope you’
re listening to this because I need you to know how much I love you. With all my heart, Indi, I love you,” I say and then take a deep breath and hang up the phone. I run my hand through my hair and walk into my bedroom and slump down on the mattress. I stare up at the ceiling, and even though it’s the middle of the afternoon I feel like I just want to stay here for the rest of the day and wallow.
Surely, I’m allowed to do that, right?
My phone beeps and I quickly pull it up to see a message. I swipe the screen to notice the message is from Aston.
Aston: Hey dude. I saw all the stuff on the news, r u ok? Do you need someone 2 talk 2? I can come up 2 u if u need me 2, or u can come here. Just know I am here 4 u. Whateva u need man.
I sigh and swallow hard. I guess everyone is going to know now and it sucks. I wish I could protect Indi from the scrutiny she’s going to get from her work colleagues and friends. I have put her in this position and it kills me to know she’s having a tough time. I just hope no one harasses her too much. I hit reply.
Me: Thanks mate, but I think right now I just need to catch up on some sleep and to try and think of a way to fix this. Thanks for being here for me though, and I know Annie probably told you to message me, so please tell her I’m okay and that I will still be fine for the band. Rehearsals are tomorrow, and I’ll be there early to show you all that I'm all right. Don’t worry about me. I just need some sleep and then I’ll be ready to go. I promise.
I lie as I type and send the message to Aston. It’s nice that he and my cousin are so worried about me. It’s awesome that they care. But really, having their sympathies only makes things harder. I know I fucked up and I only have myself to blame. I’ve lost Indi and right now, I couldn’t feel any lower than if I had actually cheated on her. I feel like I’ve betrayed her, and I guess I did. Well, not I guess, I did betray her. Sleeping with Sasha was a terrible thing to do, but honestly I wasn’t in my right mind when it happened and I don’t even remember doing it.
The old me crept in, the guy who was hurt by Indi. The one who felt abused and used by her. I hate that guy, the one who treats women like crap, all because Indi treated me like crap, but that’s only because she thought I had got it on with Maddie.
This whole situation is so fucked up.
I’m fucked up.
Indi is fucked up.
All because we tend to make each other crazy. Maybe she is better off without me? Maybe she would be happier without me always confusing her and worrying that I’ll go after other women. I know I wouldn’t if we were together, but I hate that she’s worried all the time. That’s not healthy for anyone.
Maybe this is the right thing?
Oh, who am I kidding? I had six years without Indi. I do not want to go another hour without her let alone another year or six, or a lifetime, whatever she has in store for me this time. I bring my forearm over my eyes and exhale trying to relax my tense body. But nothing is working. I need to work off some steam, normally this is where calling one of the sultry seven comes in handy, but I’ve learned my lesson. If I want Indi, abstinence is the goal here. I jump up from my bed and walk to my closet and pull out my exercise gear. It’s time for a workout!
I worked out for so long and so hard that I ended up throwing up in the park and passing out. I have no idea how long I was out for, but luckily it was mid-evening, so by the time that happened most people were inside with their families and as luck would have it no one saw. I woke up to the dark night sky, the moon shining down on me in its ominous hues of purples and blues, casting shadows over my life like it knew I was in deep despair. I thought it was quite fitting. I sat on the grass and just stared at the full moon wondering if somehow Indi was staring at it at the same time like they do in the movies. I knew in my heart she wouldn’t be, but I’m a romantic and I was hoping that we were connected somehow in my desperation of that moment. I dragged myself home and into a scalding hot shower and straight to bed.
I’m on my way to Oxfordshire now and I feel so drained of energy that I’m having trouble concentrating on driving. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. If this is what being love sick feels like, I don’t like it at all! I didn’t eat any dinner last night, nor breakfast this morning. My stomach is unsettled and I don’t think I could stomach anything after throwing up after my workout last night. My limbs are aching and my whole body is filled with a tension I felt would be released from the exercise, but it seems to have only enhanced the pain. I feel like I’m falling apart, and to top it off I have a show tonight. I have to pull my shit together. I need to be on fire. I must have that edge. I’m the lead singer, the frontman of the band, I can’t be waltzing around wearing shades all day and not talking because I don’t have the energy. Although, for at least the first half of the morning that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.
I pull up at the manor and press on my remote to open the gates. They swing open and I drive in parking in my usual spot next to Chad. Getting out of my car, I don’t bother to lock it as I walk up to the front door pulling my jacket around me tighter. The chill in the air has me shivering. I ring the bell and moments later a chirpy Lia answers the door.
“Morning sweetheart,” she says so happily it makes my stomach churn.
I fake a smile and step up the step to walk inside and she frowns seeing right through me and puts her hand on my chest as I move to walk past her.
“Caleb, I saw what happened. You’re obviously not okay,” she says leaning in and pulling my sunglasses up off my face and resting them on top of my head.
I squint at the brightness and she winces at me. “Oh Caleb, have you been drinking?” she asks and I swallow and look at her.
“No, no nothing like that, I promise. Just did a workout last night and pushed myself a bit hard.”
“Did you make yourself sick?” she asks looking me up and down.
I simply nod.
She exhales and pulls me in for a hug. “I know how much you love her sweetheart, and I know there’s a lot more to the story that I don’t know, but just remember that Colt and I are always here for you. No matter how things started out with us, you’re family, and we love you,” she says holding me to her tightly. Tears well in my eyes, but I keep them back as I bring my arms up and embrace her.
“Thanks, Lia, I appreciate it,” I say and she pulls back holding me at arm’s length.
“Now you haven’t eaten, have you?” she asks and I half laugh. “And don’t lie to me, I’m a mother and I can spot lying,” she says and I smile and shake my head. “Right, let’s get you something to eat and a massive black coffee before you head into the music room. Those kids are on some kind of sugar high today, and it’s even affecting me so you need caffeine before you head in there.”
I chuckle as she loops her arm through mine and we walk through to the kitchen.
“Thanks, Lia, you always know how to look after me,” I say and she looks at me and cuddles into my side.
“Caleb, you were the son I almost had, and the nephew I always wanted. You’re family and I love you. I would do anything to protect you and to see you happy. I know right now life is crap and I’m here and willing to listen if you want to talk to me and tell me what happened. But if you don’t, and you just want to sit in silence and drink some awesome coffee and eat some muffins, I’m happy with that too. Just know that I love you like you were my own. Despite everything, I love you, kid,” she says and leans in kissing my temple.
I sniff back and swallow because hearing those words from Lia means so much to me. Knowing how much pain and suffering she went through because of me, just to have her say those words to me now, only goes to show how much of an amazing and utterly perfect person Lia is. I’m so honored to know her and have her as my family.
So I decide to get a woman’s perspective.
I’m going to tell Lia everything.
Once I opened up and told Lia everything she said I was doing the right thing giving Indi space. She also said calling her was a good thing too. S
he said even though she isn’t answering and probably isn’t listening to my messages, the fact that her phone isn’t off and that I can still call at all, means she’s expecting the calls and wants them. She explained when she and Colt broke up, Colt would call and she would ignore the calls and the voice messages. But knowing he was still trying even though Lia wanted nothing to do with Colt, still made her feel loved, and in the end it was what kept Lia sane. So, if Indi is letting the calls come through there is still hope, but not to get too caught up in that fact. She needs time and I will give it to her.
In the meantime, it’s been two weeks since I last saw Indi and I feel like my sanity is slowly creeping away. In rehearsals, Annie and Chad are trying to cheer me up while Aston wants me to talk to him and open up. The press are hounding me all the time, and I see photos of Indi every now and then, mainly shot at the hospital, so I gather she’s still there. It’s taking all of my willpower not to go there, and I mean every ounce of strength I have. Every time I feel like I’m about to give in and go to the hospital, I message Lia or Dad and they both tell me to hold off. Because it will only make matters worse, and that I could embarrass her at work which would only make her angrier. I just hope her friend Kenzi is taking care of her.
I haven’t heard any more from Sasha since I threatened her, thank God. I feel sorry for talking to her like that, but I was beyond angry and I honestly felt that way at the time. She seemed to not be listening, so I saw it as the only way to make her see what I needed from her. Although, if she came near me I probably would have hurt her and that scares me. So I’m glad she has stayed away.
The performances we’ve had the last few times have been good. It’s been nice to be on stage, but it has been a double-edged sword. I love performing, but the reason I started singing was because of Indi, and so I’m not enjoying it like I used to. I’ve lost my edge and my performance is suffering.
