by Louise, Tia
I don’t speak. I simply walk fast toward the door.
Serena calls after me, something about how changing names and labels doesn’t change the meaning. I walk faster. My vision blurs, but I order myself not to cry. I will not let her get to me ever again.
Driving home, I can barely see the road for the tears blurring my vision. First Eleanor, now those bitches. God, it’s all over the whole fucking town. Everyone knows I went with him to New York. How can I possibly deny what’s happening between us? Clearly the monster-in-law isn’t keeping her big mouth shut.
Leaving Lillie stabs at my heart like knives, but somehow, the thought of leaving Remi hurts even worse. Pain radiates across my shoulder blades, and I almost have to pull over. I’m so close to the house or I would.
Lifting my cell, I tap Marsha Magee’s number. She answers at once, and I quickly work out the details of moving into her small rental house this weekend.
My next call is to Drew.
“Hey, Cinderella! How’d it go at the ball? I want to hear all about it. Don’t leave out a single detail.”
I blink and rivers of tears coat my cheeks. I swallow, but my voice wavers. “You think Gray might be able to help me move this weekend? I need a truck.”
Drew’s tone changes at once. “Ruby! Are you okay? It sounds like you’re crying. What happened? Talk to me.”
“I will. I just can’t do it right now.” Blinking up to the sky, I try to get control of myself. “I just need you to help me get settled, help me get my bed and furniture from Ma’s. Then I’ll tell you everything.”
“We’ll be there.”
28
Remi
Ruby takes longer than I expect to get home. I’m pacing in my office, chewing my thumb when I hear the front door open. Dashing out onto the landing, my stomach tightens when I see her face. She looks different, like she’s been crying.
“Ruby?” She blinks up at me as if I startled her, and I gentle my tone. “Hey, sorry. Would you mind coming up here for a minute?”
She’s dressed in business attire, a green leather purse on her arm, and she hurries up the stairs, looking so professional. Taking care of my daughter is demanding and important work. Still, I can’t help knowing Ruby could do anything she wants. She’s smart and capable and so pretty.
When she enters the large space, I motion for her to follow me to where a sofa and chairs are arranged. I envisioned this being a conference area of sorts, should I have any potential clients to the house.
She doesn’t waste any time. “Remi, we need to talk.”
“First.” I take the long business envelope off my desk. “It’s the first time I’ve been able to give this to you in person and thank you. After last night—”
“What…” Her voice fades out as she takes the envelope and looks inside.
I’m standing back feeling pretty proud of myself. “I included a little extra to cover our trip to New York. I know you had to buy a dress and shoes… I’m sure there were expenses.”
“You added… cash.” The color drains from her face, and my feelings of pride fade along with it. “New York was just a business trip to you?”
A knot is in my throat, and I feel like I’ve misread something. “No… I mean, yes, it was a business trip, but—”
She interrupts me talking fast. “If anything, I would’ve expected you to pay me less for this week, considering we spent three days…” Her voice breaks off. “Doing what? What were we doing, Remi?”
Her eyes flash anger at me, but I see tears gathering in them. It’s like a knife plunged straight into my heart. Stepping forward, I try to gather her into my arms.
“No!” She pushes me away hard. “What was it? I want to know.”
She’s trembling and I don’t know what to say. New York started as a business trip… Hell, it was always because of business, but having her with me gave me the strength to believe again. She believes in me, and it makes me believe in myself.
She brought me back to life.
I try to find the right words to say. My insides are a hot mess of feelings and thoughts and details I have to sort out. It’s all a tangle in my head, and I realize now I’ve taken too long to answer her question.
Her hand goes up, and she pushes me away. “I don’t have time for any more men and their games. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you.”
She throws the envelope at me, and I scoop it up, chasing after her, up the stairs to the third floor.
“Ruby, wait. I didn’t mean to insult you.” I follow her down the hall, and she’s moving fucking fast. “We talked about all of this before you came here, and you were fine with it. Hell, you seemed happy with the arrangement.”
“Yeah, I was.” She jerks open the drawers of her dresser and starts taking out her clothes. She tosses them on the bed and goes the closet, where she pulls out her suitcase.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m moving out. We discussed this last night.”
“Like hell we did.” Anger blazes in my chest, and I snatch the suitcase off her bed. “You’re not going anywhere.”
Her anger is back, flashing in her eyes. “Give me my suitcase.”
I relent and put it on her bed again. She immediately resumes throwing clothes in it.
“Why are you doing this? Aren’t you happy here?” It feels like a childish question, but I’m so fucking confused. I thought things were going great—better than great. I thought she cared about me. I thought she and I were on the verge of becoming something more.
“Am I happy here?” She stops slamming her clothes in the black case. “I was. Until people like Eleanor started calling me a whore. Until Serena North basically called me a high-class hooker in front of everybody at the preschool today.”
Fire roars in my chest. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this level of rage. “What did she say to you?” My jaw is clenched, and the words are more of a growl.
“Stop.” Ruby holds up her hands. “I would argue with them if I had a leg to stand on. As it is…” She shakes her head. “I’ve turned into exactly what they think I am.”
“You are nothing of the sort.” My voice is still growly. “I’ll shut every one of their stupid mouths. I’ll—”
“Remi…” Her voice is just below a shout. “Don’t you see they’re right?”
“I do not see they’re right. I don’t give a damn about those women or what they say or think.”
“But I do.”
I’m stunned by her quiet confession. “You do? But… Why?”
I’m confused and grasping at anything. I feel like my world is crumbling, and her mind is completely made up. I feel like she’s slammed an invisible door in my face and nothing I can say or do will get her to let me in.
I can’t make her stay, and it’s ripping out my heart. It’s tearing up my insides. I need her.
She resumes filling her suitcase, only slower. “I don’t care as much about me or my reputation. I care about my mom and how hard she works taking care of the seniors at church. I care about Lillie and the kids at preschool repeating what their parents say to her, or talking behind her back. She might not understand it now, but one day she will.” Ruby’s breath hiccups, and my heart breaks. “I care about you and what people say about you.”
“Fuck what they say.” I can’t stand this. “What can I do?”
“Nothing.” She puts the last of her folded clothes in the suitcase. “I’m moving out. That’s it.”
“You signed a contract. As Lillie’s nanny, you’re contractually obligated to live in this house.” I say it mostly as a joke, as a way to lighten the soul-crushing pain in my chest.
“I have to resign as Lillie’s nanny.”
“No…” It’s the final straw. I feel like she’s bringing me to my knees. “Lillie loves you.”
Her hands cover her face, and she nods quickly as her shoulders shake. When she speaks, her voice goes high. “I know.”
I can’t stand it any
more. I close the space between us, pulling her into my arms. “You can’t leave us. You have to stay.”
Her hands are on my arms at once, moving them away and stepping out of my embrace. “I’m sorry.” She clears her throat, getting her voice under control. “I’ll explain to her why I have to go.”
“What will you say?”
“I don’t know. I’ll think of something.”
“Ruby, please. Tell me what I can do to fix this.”
Her chin lifts, and her dark eyes meet mine. They’re so open and vulnerable, so deep and soulful. It breaks my heart. I wait for her to say anything, to tell me what she wants.
She waits a moment longer. Then she breaks our gaze.
“I’ll pick up Lillie from school. You can let Eleanor know I won’t be having dinner here tonight.”
29
Ruby
Life has a funny way of changing our plans.
Lillie had only been home five minutes before she went to the bathroom and immediately started wailing. I’d intended to tell her what was happening over lunch, now I’m in her pink bathroom holding her in my arms.
“Ruby!” She’s sobbing, and I cover my mouth and nose at the stench.
“Oh! Oh no.” It’s the best I’ve got.
Her little leggings and white undies are on the bathroom floor soiled.
“My butt threw up.” Her voice is so small and weak.
I grab the shower curtain, ripping it open again. “It’s okay, baby. It’s going to be okay.”
My heart breaks a little bit when I see how miserable she is, knowing she had a shitty night’s sleep last night and knowing what’s coming. What I have to tell her.
It’ll have to wait.
“Here.” I help her wipe, feeling the fever radiating off her little body.
I quickly strip off my skirt and lift her into my arms, stepping into the shower as I hold her against my chest. Her little arms are around my neck, and she whimpers softly.
The water is warm and soothing, and I let it wash the filth away, using a washcloth to help with the bits I can’t see.
I stroke her hair as we stand under the spray. “It’s going to be okay, baby. Everything’s going to be okay.”
We stay in the water about a minute longer as I make sure I’ve gotten all the dirt off her bottom. Then I shut it off and grab a fluffy towel off the rack. Standing her in front of me, I dry her gently. Her hands are on my shoulders, and her eyes are closed. She’s flushed and feverish, and I wrap her up tight before carrying her into her bedroom.
She’s dressed and tucked in her bed, and I quickly gather her dirty things in the towel I used to dry her. I dash to my room and change clothes then start another load of laundry before I grab the ibuprofen, saltines, sprite, and a banana.
I’m just guessing over here.
When I make it back to her bedroom, she’s lying on her side, her big eyes hollow and tired. I help her up and give her a dose of children’s ibuprofen for the fever. Then I climb in beside her, cuddling her against my chest.
“Are any of your other friends feeling bad today?”
“Bunny wasn’t at school.” Her voice is slow and weak. “Louie said she has a bug. I thought he made her eat dirt when I wasn’t around. She lives by his house.”
“I think Louie meant she had a virus. Some people call viruses bugs. I don’t know why.”
Lillie sniffs and scrubs her face on my shirt.
“I was thinking about the ketchups today,” I start. She makes a little noise and tucks her head closer to me, hiding her eyes. “They make these things called stress balls. You squeeze them when you feel stressed out, and it’s supposed to make you feel better. It might be a great alternative to those packets. What do you think? Want me to get you one?”
She’s quiet a minute. “What’s stress?”
“It’s bad feelings you get when you can’t control things. Or maybe too many things are happening at the same time, and you feel overwhelmed.”
Again she’s quiet, thinking. “I don’t like to feel stress.”
“Nobody does. It’s like those dolls with the beady eyes. They always stress me out.” I exaggerate my tone, hoping to cheer her up.
“Or Veggie Tales.”
“Yeah…” I’m encouraged she’s playing along. The ibuprofen must be working. “Or Thomas the Tank Engine. Talk about beady eyes!”
She starts to giggle. “Or Gigi’s clock when it says ten.”
I confess, I’m stumped by that one. “What happens when it says ten?”
“It has all those eyes.”
Ah… it’s a digital clock. Interesting. “You have a vivid imagination, Lil. I’ll be sure and never get you an American Girl doll.”
She snorts and I turn on the television, finding a princess movie on Netflix. Halfway through, she’s getting droopy. She wraps a little arm around my waist and yawns. “I wish I had eyes like you. I think you’re beautiful.”
Leaning down, I kiss her button nose. “I think you’re beautiful. Sleep now angel.”
She’s asleep curled against my side, and I’m watching the second half of Mulan when a soft tapping sounds on the door. I look up to see Remi peeking his head in. His expression is worried or maybe anxious.
“How’s she doing?”
“Her fever broke. I think it’s just a twenty-four-hour virus.” He nods, and I have an idea. “Do you happen to have an extra stress ball?”
Those dark brows furrow over his pretty eyes, and inwardly I sigh. He’s so handsome.
“I might. Why?”
“I think the reason she likes to play with ketchup packets is the same reason you like squeezing a stress ball. It’s soothing.”
He exhales, dropping his chin. “She scared the shit out of me this morning. This whole day has been just one hit after another.”
“Tell me about it.” I look down at the little angel holding my waist. Her face is so peaceful.
My eyes are still on her when Remi touches my shoulder. Our eyes meet, and his are anguished. “Don’t go, Ruby…” It’s a tortured whisper, and my heart jumps in my chest. “She needs you.”
Then it fizzles right back down again.
She needs me.
Say you need me, Remi… You.
Say you’ll make me yours…
I swallow that emotion away. “Not living here doesn’t mean I won’t see her anymore.”
His brow furrows, and he scrubs his eyes with his fingertips. “Will you at least stay on as her nanny until I can find a replacement?”
The idea of being replaced should not offend me. “What’s wrong with Eleanor?”
She started this whole thing, after all.
“I don’t want her involved. I don’t like how she treated you. I don’t like how she treated either of us.”
Lifting my chin, I give him a nod. “I’ll help with Lillie until you find someone.”
“Thanks.” His expression is dark and he stands slowly, leaning down to kiss his daughter before he leaves.
He pauses on the way up, hovering with his lips just over mine. My heart beats painfully hard in my chest. I hold my breath until he stands completely. Without another word, he goes to the door and leaves us.
I lean back on the pillows as the tears streak down my cheeks.
30
Remi
It’s a punch in the chest to see Ruby holding my daughter so sweetly, taking care of her when she’s sick, making her laugh and slowly helping her regain her strength.
I might not be sure of her feelings for me, but I know she loves Lillie.
It takes her less than half an hour to clear her things out of her room. My daughter follows her whining the whole time, but Ruby assures her repeatedly she’s not far away. She’ll be back every day to drive her to school and to spend the afternoons.
My daughter’s tears are like salt in my already bleeding insides. Everything about this is wrong, but short of tying Ruby up with ropes, I don’t know how to make her stay.
Before she walks out, I put my hand on her shoulder. “I took out the extra cash for New York.” I give her the business envelope, and she looks at it a few moments. “You did the work as Lillie’s nanny. You deserve to be paid.”
Her lips press together and she nods, taking the envelope from me. “I’ll be here Monday morning to take her to preschool.”
“I can take her in the mornings. What if you pick her up and stay with her during the afternoons until dinner?”
She lifts her chin and our eyes meet. Our chemistry is still alive, but it’s tantalizing pain, like the promise of something I desperately want held just out of reach.
“I’m doing half the work. You should adjust my pay to reflect that.”
“Whatever makes you comfortable.”
It’s our last exchange before she’s gone. I scoop up my daughter, and she lays her head on my shoulder, squeezing the striped stress ball I found in one of my drawers.
“Feeling stressed-out, peanut?”
“Why did Ruby have to go?”
“She felt like it would be better for all of us if she didn’t live here anymore.”
Lillie lifts her head and looks me in the eyes. “I don’t think it’s better for me if she’s not here anymore. Do you think it’s better?”
“No, princess. I don’t think it’s better at all.”
My daughter wiggles to get down, and I set her on her feet. She walks slowly with her little shoulders slumped to the patio, and I climb the flight of stairs to my office with the same posture. This big ole house feels too huge, too empty now.
Eleanor left on Friday. I would feel guilty about it, but she moved quickly into the condo I secured for her. I almost feel like she expected it. Or she welcomed it. I don’t really care.
I’ve communicated briefly with her on her requests to see Lillie. I’m furious at her, but I don’t want to hurt my daughter. So far, I agreed she can pick Lillie up for church tomorrow morning. I don’t feel much like attending.
