by I Beacham
“Joey?”
Warning bells played in her head, and a sense of alarm pulsed through her. They didn’t vanish when Joey’s head appeared from beneath the blanket.
“Are you all right?” Sam moved swiftly to her. Joey looked frightened to death.
“I think I had a panic attack.” Her voice trembled.
Sam sat down beside her. “What brought it on?” she asked quietly.
“I don’t know. I lay down on the bed. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
You never sleep well, Sam thought. She waited for Joey to tell her more. She didn’t wait long.
“I was back there. I was inside the cabinet under the sink, but I wasn’t alone. Kurt, Mitch, and Mo were with me. We were all squeezed into this tight unforgiving space. It was dark, but I could see their faces. We were hiding. We knew something was the other side of the door. It kept scratching at it and making this noise. It was horrible. I couldn’t breathe, and I was scared. I had wet myself and was ashamed. I was trying to hide it, not let the others know what I’d done.
“Then Mo was opening the door saying he had to go and get us water. Kurt was trying to stop him. I was frightened that whatever was out there would see where we were and come for us. Mo left. And then Mitch pointed to something. I saw the shape of a hand coming through the semi opened door. The hand covered Mitch’s face. I heard him scream. Then I was by myself. I was alone. As I reached out to close the door, something hard hit me in the face.”
Joey touched the scar on her forehead. “I screamed. I woke myself up, and I couldn’t stop the panic.”
Sam could make out Joey’s eyes. They were wild, like a cornered animal. She could see she was still shaking as if she was cold.
“Has the panic stopped?”
“No.” Joey looked at her in desperation.
“Does this help?” Sam fingered the blanket.
“I feel safe,” Joey whispered.
Sam took a deep breath before nudging closer to Joey. She placed an arm around her and then pulled the blanket back over both of them.
“What are you doing?” Joey said.
“We’re going to wait until this passes. We’ll wait together until you feel safe again.”
Sam pulled Joey close and felt her lean into her.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I don’t mean to be like this.”
Sam kissed the top of her head. “Don’t ever say sorry to me, Joey. I love you.”
*
Sam held Joey and patiently waited for the attack to finish.
It frustrated her because she didn’t know what to do. Joey was so anti any counseling. Sam knew Joey had PTSD, an extremely debilitating disorder which produced anxiety attacks, flashbacks, and nightmares, all brought on by seeing or living through a dangerous event. But knowing what someone had wasn’t the same as knowing what to do.
Sam didn’t really understand the complex disorder. The closest she’d come to it were newspaper articles and superficial conversations with Milo Granger, a warden at one of the churches within her diocese. His son had been medically discharged from the army after serving in Afghanistan. Harry suffered from PTSD, and its consequences had wreaked havoc on his family and friends. Now Sam wanted to talk to Milo again. Maybe he could shine a light on an otherwise bleak situation.
As Joey’s attack passed, they had moved into the sitting room where they were now huddled together on the sofa. Sam had canceled a meeting she was attending that afternoon. She wouldn’t leave Joey like this.
“You need help,” Sam said.
“I don’t want help.”
“Why don’t you see someone, Joey, a professional?”
“We’ve had this conversation before. It didn’t work.”
Sam felt her stiffen. She ignored it.
“Maybe you need to see someone different,” Sam said.
“I’m coping.”
“But the panic attacks…”
“They’re bad dreams, that’s all.” Joey was digging in her heels.
“But they’re not,” Sam said. “You’ve got PTSD. This isn’t going to go away.”
“It will go away. I just need time.” Joey was getting agitated. “I don’t need anyone sitting in front of me asking me to tell them how I feel. I know how I feel. I’ll cope with this my own way.”
The last thing Sam wanted to do was make Joey feel like she was ganging up on her. She let it pass. “I just want to help, Joey.”
Joey relaxed and turned to rest her head on Sam’s shoulder. “I know you do, Sam. I know. I’m sorry I’m like this.”
“What can I do?” Sam said.
“Take me out for a ride, Sam? I don’t mean now, but maybe when you’re next free. I love it, the sense of freedom, the fresh air in my face. I can forget anything when we’re out on the road. When I’m with you…”
Chapter Nine
The lush green scenery sped past them as they rode on the motorbike into the Shropshire countryside.
Sam was beginning to love Saturdays. It was the only day she could guarantee spending time with Joey. Where she’d always been available to her parishioners, she was keeping Saturdays safe now. The new arrangement was working. She was able to shoehorn anything that came up into other days. The earth hadn’t opened and swallowed her in punishment.
Riding her motorbike today with Joey up close behind her seemed like heaven on earth. She felt her tighten her hold as they took a corner. Sam was like a kid at Christmas. She found herself thinking of Joey all the time and wanting to be with her. Sometimes Joey’s work schedule got in the way, but never too much. More often it was Sam’s. The work continued to hit her at a relentless pace, and there seemed no light on the horizon. Neil was trying to get her a treasurer and more staff, but as yet nothing and no one was coming forward. She did the only thing she could. She waited.
She found it hard to believe that Joey had been in her life now for over four months. More surprising was the way they had connected and become an item.
The last few years had been hard on Sam. There was this growing awareness inside that life was passing her by. More frightening was the feeling that her calling to the church was weakening and that she was no longer fulfilled. Something else was out there calling her. But she didn’t know what.
These foundation quakes were there before she saw Louise, but seeing her old lover, her old school friend, dying, everything depressing heightened. At times, if she let her feelings loose, it was like her own personal panic attack.
Joey’s presence placed those feelings on hold. But now, as they spent more time together, other questions rose. Did she and Joey have a future together? Is that what Sam wanted? If it was, how would she balance her clerical life with a partner who happened to be another woman? How would the church handle that? How would her congregation handle that? How would she handle that? She mentally kicked herself for getting ahead of it all. Joey might not feel the same way. It was early days, and commitment might not be on her agenda. These were matters they had yet to talk of.
Sam accelerated up a long hill and let the exhilaration of speed fill her. She knew Joey would be feeling the same for they were like twins on the bike. Sam was thrilled to discover how much Joey enjoyed biking, but until recently, she hadn’t understood how much it helped Joey whose experiences in the Middle East were never far away. It worried Sam. She wanted Joey to open up, but she wouldn’t. She would allow Sam so far in but then bring the shutters down.
Sam hadn’t missed what Joey had said the other day. Sam had said she needed help. Joey had replied she didn’t want help. Not that she didn’t need it. The difference was subtle, but to Sam it was meaningful. Sometimes Sam felt Joey was hiding something, that she was carrying an unspoken guilt. If this was true, then it was rotting away inside her. Joey would say everything had been her fault. When Sam asked what she meant, Joey closed up. It only made Sam more determined to see Milo, but he was out of town for a few days.
Sam dropped speed as they rode into Ludlow. She
took a side road that skirted the boundaries of the old medieval market town. Several minutes later, she pulled over on the roadside and removed her helmet. “This is one of my favorite views,” she said.
Joey got off the bike and crossed over the road to stand on the riverbank. They were looking at an old arched stone bridge that crossed the River Teme. The other side was a steep hill where the ruins of Ludlow Castle rested. Sam watched the awe on Joey’s face. It probably mirrored hers. This view never failed to impress. Winter was the best time to be here when the snow was about and covering the mass of trees at the foot of the castle. She prayed Joey would still be here to see it. Sam hated the thought that Joey might return to America; she was only here on a temporary basis.
Joey walked back over the road and flung her arms around Sam, kissing her cheek. “I love you,” she whispered as she put her helmet back on and straddled the bike.
Not half as much as I love you, Sam thought.
They continued into the center of the town, a thriving community with its centuries old black and white timbered buildings. The place was packed with people, teaming with foreign tourists. After a walk around the town, they found a quaint tea shop.
“I’d love to go to the castle,” Joey said.
“Not today you don’t,” Sam replied. “Saturdays are bad. There are too many others with the same idea. We’ll come back when it’s quieter.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” Sam smiled.
“Reverend Savage?” They were interrupted by an elderly couple who were just leaving the shop. “I thought it was you. What are you doing up here?”
Joey watched as they smiled and greeted Sam with such affection. Sam returned their warmth, standing to shake their hands. The conversation was short and delivered in informative bullets. They were parishioners from the previous church where Sam had been vicar. They were delighted to hear she was now at St. Mary’s Church. They saw Sam’s move as a promotion. Sam was missed. The old man was now retired. His wife had had open-heart surgery. They had recently moved to Shropshire to be closer to their son. He was still in the civil service. They beamed when Sam said she’d be delighted to see them if they were ever down her way. They then apologized for interrupting, smiled very happily, and left.
It occurred to Joey that this was something that happened a lot when she was out with Sam. People always seemed to know her, and they always wanted to say hello.
“Your notoriety is legend,” Joey joked.
“I’m sorry. I thought we were far away enough to be safe.”
“You’re pretty popular. They just wanted to say howdy.”
“I know. They’re good people too, but it’s nice to get away sometimes.”
“Think yourself lucky, Sam. How do you think I feel back home? Being on national television, there aren’t many places I can go without being recognized.”
Sam made a face. “It must be awful.”
Joey nodded. “Fame comes at a price.”
“I’ll never complain again.”
After they left the tea shop, they returned to the bike and rode back to Joey’s apartment.
They’d only just entered when the phone rang.
It was Carrie.
Joey listened to Carrie as she watched Sam pretend not to be interested.
“Do you fancy dinner tonight?” Carrie said.
“I’m busy I’m afraid.”
“How about lunch sometime this week? I’m around your area.”
“Bad week, Carrie. Work is full on.”
“Okay. I understand busy. I’ll give you a ring later. You take care.”
“Carrie Marlow?” Sam said.
Joey liked the way Sam feigned indifference.
“She’s persistent if nothing else.” Joey didn’t mention the several other texts she’d received. “The woman doesn’t know what ‘no’ means. Can you stay?” Joey asked. An evening with Sam over a decent bottle of wine held attraction, but Sam was shaking her head.
“I’ve a sermon to fine tune for tomorrow. I’ve kept putting it off, but it won’t wait any longer.”
“You know I’m disappointed,” Joey said.
“Me, too.”
Joey heard Sam’s motorbike roar off into the distance.
She wished Sam could have stayed. She felt safe when she was around.
Chapter Ten
“Surprise! I’ve got two weeks vacation to take. How about we go somewhere?”
Joey was standing in Sam’s kitchen barely able to contain herself. She was a mature woman in her forties who’d seen more of life than most people, but today she felt like a teenager. She couldn’t keep the excitement out of her voice. All she needed was Sam’s thumbs-up, and she could start barraging her with ideas as to what they could do. Their options were limitless—a bike trip north or south. Or they could book an overseas vacation. Or they could go hill walking, something she’d discovered they both enjoyed. Joey didn’t care what they did as long as they were together.
But as she gazed at Sam’s face, her excitement and enthusiasm drained. Sam looked crushed.
“When?” Sam asked.
“I don’t have a huge window of opportunity because of Stallion contract demands and deadlines, but anytime in September.”
Sam shook her head.
“I can’t.”
“Are you sure?” The answer hit Joey like a rock hammer. “You haven’t looked at your calendar yet.”
“I don’t have to. I can’t. I’ve several ministers away in September on seminars, and I’m covering. It’s been agreed for ages, way before you came over. I can’t renege now.”
Joey could see Sam was upset. She was too, but she understood. How often had her own work intervened to mess up her personal life? She’d lost count. Sam’s situation was no different.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Joey’s heart strings tugged. Sam looked like her favorite hymn book had been stolen. “You can’t help this. You’re a busy person. I understand.”
“I feel awful,” Sam said.
“I know.”
“Can you slip your leave to another time?” Sam asked.
“No.” Joey couldn’t. “The production team’s small, and it doesn’t leave room to maneuver.”
“And this was meant to be a wonderful surprise, and I’ve spoilt it, Joey. If I could rearrange this, I would.”
“I know.” Joey wrapped her arms around Sam. “There will be plenty of time for other surprises. Don’t eat yourself up.”
Joey left shortly after.
“Damn. Why do we both have to be such busy folk?” Joey sighed as she drove home. She wanted to kick herself. She’d been so excited, but all she’d done was upset Sam. Poor stressed out Sam was already being pulled in every direction by work. Joey hated having made it worse.
*
Monday arrived, and Joey stepped into her office.
She was glad the weekend was over. She hadn’t seen Sam at all. Even their usual Saturday jaunt was ruined because of a wedding and reception. Sunday was no better with two christenings.
Joey felt low. She was anxious and panicky for no real reason. She’d bolted out of bed early this morning and started pacing to the point of exhaustion. She had managed to get some sleep later, and without nightmares, but she didn’t like the lack of control that was becoming more and more the norm. But she would see Sam tonight. That would make her feel better. It always did.
Only minutes after sitting down with a coffee, Brian Mortimer entered her office. In his fifties and full of boyish charm, he was constantly on fast forward sporting a perpetual bounce in his step and with a demeanor that always oozed enthusiasm. He had a moustache that twirled and circled at the ends making him look like part of a circus strongman act. As he stepped inside the door, he held out both palms in front of him.
“Hey, hey, lovely American. How are you this bright sunny day?”
As ever, he made her laugh. His style was different. It was sometimes difficult to accept that he w
as an academic with a long list of Oxford degrees and awards that ran off the page. He was the CEO and driving force behind Stallion Productions, and essentially the man she worked for.
“I’m well, Brian,” she lied. “How are you?”
“All the better for seeing you.”
He swerved at speed into a chair beside her. “Can we chat?”
Brian looked serious. Joey wondered what was coming.
“Sure.”
“Your project…”
Joey had finished her ideas on a proposed documentary. It was detailed and precise. She’d sent it to him early last week and hadn’t heard back.
“Problems?” she asked.
“Problems?” He looked astounded, and then he broke into a huge grin as he quickly allayed her fears. “Outstanding, Joey. Frankly, exactly what I expect from someone of your experience and caliber.” He got down to business. “I love the angle you propose. I like the edge of debate. We’re going to run with it.”
“I was worried when—”
“You didn’t get my impressive speedy feedback.” He nodded mock serious. “That’s because I took your proposals to London, to see the Big Cheese at BBC HQ…Darth Vader himself. I presented your plans.” Brian paused. “He was impressed, Joey. I saw him smile. He really likes your ideas and the potential spin-offs you suggest. They see money. I see money. Everyone is happy.” Brian splayed his hands again. “He wants to speak to you personally. Yes.” He nodded again. “Darth Vader is offering you an audience, Joey. One to one.”
“Christ,” she laughed. “This is like working—”
“For the master race. Yes, I know. Exciting, isn’t it? Which brings me to the important reason I’m here.”
How anything could be more important than their previous topic she couldn’t imagine. She was being summoned by the BBC’s controller of programs.
“Would you like a coffee, Brian?”
Brian was dismissive. “No time, wonderful American. I’ve paperwork to move across my desk.”
