by Vivi Holt
All right, God. If what this man says about you is true, then I’m asking for love. Please put someone in my life to love, who will love me back. That’s what I want, more than anything.
I’ve never really had anyone but my mother and Ky to love me, and now Mother’s gone and Ky’s far away. So, if you could do this one thing for me, I’d be really grateful.
Sarah opened her eyes and scanned the room about her, feeling embarrassed at the idea that someone may have seen what she was doing. But no one looked at her, they all listened intently, taking in the words coming from the pulpit.
She studied Bill again, and he glanced her way with a smile and a question in his eyes, no doubt wondering why she stared at him. She quickly faced forward again, as the congregation stood to sing the final hymn. Standing with them, Sarah felt Bill’s hand graze hers, and she could have sworn his fingers grasped hers with a gentle squeeze for just a moment.
His touch sent a wave of emotion rushing through her, and its intensity took her breath away and brought a flush to her cheeks. She opened her mouth to join in the chorus of voices that swelled around her and filled the chapel with the beauty of song. It felt good to be part of a community again, and Sarah’s heart expanded with love.
Chapter 15
After the service, Bill stood to his feet and slipped from the pew.
“Good morning, Sarah. Mr. and Mrs. Todd, how are you?”
“Well thank you, Bill. It’s good to see you, son,” Sam replied, shaking Bill’s hand vigorously.
Sarah smiled at Bill, “Nice to see you Bill.”
Bill nodded at Sarah, then turned and marched from the chapel. Sarah rushed to the open front doors, and watched him stride away. She saw him shove his Stetson onto his head as he walked, without a backward glance. He reached Purdy, who was tied beneath the nearby cedar tree, and swung onto his back. Within moments, they had galloped away and out of sight. Sarah stood in the doorway, her hands twisted together, her heart aching.
Why had he left with barely a word? Had his feelings for her changed so quickly? Of course they had. Now that he knew the truth about who she was, he didn’t want anything more to do with her. It was just as she’d known it would be. But if that was the case, why had he been bringing flowers by the house, and sharing food with them. Estelle had assured her that he’d left the flowers for her, but perhaps he’d meant them for the Todds, after all.
Sam and Estelle wanted to introduce Sarah around to all their friends. She was the hot topic of conversation about town these days, after being stolen away in front of a crowd, and in broad daylight. Everyone wanted to meet her. She followed the Todds around dutifully, nodding and smiling, and answering questions as best she could.
The townsfolk were really very friendly, and all seemed willing to welcome her into their community with open hearts. Sarah felt quite emotional by the time the Todds led the way back home. She wandered along behind them, her hands clasped behind her back and her face morose. All she could think about was the way that Bill had left, without a backward look, as though she meant nothing at all to him. Perhaps that’s what she was – nothing to him. Her heart grew heavier with each step she took.
After a lunch of cold cuts and cornbread with buttermilk, Sarah bustled around the kitchen, cleaning up.
“Let me help you with that,” Estelle said, joining her in the kitchen.
“No, please sit and relax. I can do this,” Sarah protested. “And anyway, I want to stay busy so that I can keep my mind off things.”
Estelle moved aside, and, with a frown of concern marking her lined face, she watched Sarah work.
“What things, my dear?”
Sarah sighed. “It’s nothing.”
“It doesn’t seem like nothing. You’ve been low ever since we left church. Does it have something to do with Bill?”
Sarah looked up at Estelle and stood still with a dishcloth in her hand, poised above the stack of dirty dishes. “Yes. It does. It’s just that, he left without speaking to me. And I thought…well, never mind what I thought. I suppose I was wrong.”
Estelle moved to Sarah’s side and took Sarah’s hands in hers with a grin.
“You know, my dear. You have refused to see him for days now. He’s stopped by the house every single day since he rescued you from Colt, and you won’t even come to the door. He’s brought flowers, he’s shared his hunt with us. You know he rides a long way from the ranch just to see you, and you won’t even leave your room.”
Sarah’s eyes filled with tears. “You think he comes into town just to see me?”
“Yes, I do.”
“How do you know that?”
“No man has any business coming to town, all that long way, after a full day’s work on a ranch. He does backbreaking work all day, in the sunshine or rain, and then he rides at least two hours each way to bring us flowers and cuts of meat.
“He picks those flowers by hand, he hunts; he does everything he can to show you how much he cares. And you know, he told Sam and me that he’s leaving to go on a cattle drive further west of here in a couple of weeks. So, I think he just wants to spend as much time with you as he can before he goes.”
Sarah’s tears fell freely now, choking her voice and wetting her cheeks.
“He’s leaving? But I thought he lived here.”
“No, my dear. He’s a ranch hand – just passing through.”
“Well anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore because he’s obviously changed his mind about me.”
“He hasn’t changed his mind about you, Sarah. He’s just giving you space. You’ve made it very clear that’s what you want, so he’s giving it to you, as much as I’m sure it pains him to do so.”
Estelle drew Sarah into her arms, and Sarah sobbed against her shoulder.
“There, there, my dear. Nothing’s as bad as it seems. You still have time to fix things, if that’s what you want to do.”
Sarah stood straight and wiped the tears from her cheeks with the hem of her apron. She nodded at Estelle, and hiccoughed one last time as Estelle left her.
She knew now what she wanted. Next time she saw Bill, she would give him a chance. She wanted to open herself up, to allow him to see who she really was. The thought made her shudder, but at the same time she knew that it was her heart’s desire.
She didn’t want Bill to leave town before she got a chance to know him better. There was something about him that drew her in, and made her want to spend time with him, to be with him. She knew she couldn’t do that if she kept shutting him out.
Sarah finished wiping the dishes and stacked them on a tea towel to dry. Retrieving another towel from beneath the sink, she wiped them dry as she watched the Todds sitting comfortably together in the living room. Sam read aloud, his pipe hanging casually from the corner of his mouth. Estelle crocheted a blanket and laughed at something Sam said.
Sarah wanted desperately to have the kind of relationship that the Todds shared. And she knew that the only way she could do that was by learning to trust again in a way that she hadn’t done since her mother died.
***
The knock on the front door echoed through the small house as loud as the peal of a church bell. Sarah stirred a boiling pot of late season strawberries on the stovetop. The sugar canister sat beside the pot, ready for her to ladle spoonfuls of sugar over the tart fruit. She placed the ladle on the counter top, and wiped her hands on her floral print apron. After untying the apron, she hung it on a hook on the wall, and hurried to open the front door.
It was Bill.
He stood on the threshold, his hat and a bunch of lavender in one hand. She recoiled at the hand raised in a fist, then realized it was ready to knock again.
“Oh, hello Sarah. How are you? I was just leaving you some flowers. I hope you don’t mind.” His face flushed red, and his eyes hooked onto hers with a searching look.
“Bill, won’t you come in. That is very kind of you.” Without trying a warm smile spread across her face, a
nd his eyebrows arched in surprise. “Lavender, how lovely.” Sarah pushed it to her nose and inhaled the calming fragrance.
“Mrs. Gilmore grows it in her herb garden. She said you might like it. Helps with nerves and such.”
“Well, she was right. I love it. Thank you, Bill.”
Sarah sat on the sofa and motioned for Bill to join her.
“Are you feeling well, Sarah?”
Bill sat beside her, looping his hat over one knee.
“I’m much better, thank you. It took me a while to recover from the incident with Colt, but I am starting to feel as though I could get out and about again, now that he’s safely incarcerated.”
“Yes, they say he’ll hang once he’s transferred to Hardin. There was a warrant there for his arrest – murdered some poor fella, I believe.”
“I did hear that. It’s a shame really – I hate to think of anyone hanging – but I suppose if anyone deserves it, he does.”
Bill nodded, his heart warming at her tenderness. Even after Colt had stalked and kidnapped her, she still had pity on him. Sarah jumped to her feet and hurried into the kitchen where she found a tall glass, and half-filled it with water, for the lavender. Then returned to sit with Bill again. The two sat in silence for a few long moments.
“Would you like to take a walk?” asked Sarah.
Bill stood as well. “Errr… yes.” He seemed more anxious than usual.
Sarah pulled her sunbonnet from the hat stand, and led the way out the front door with Bill following close behind. She slowed her pace until he fell in step beside her, and the two of them walked companionably together a short distance, heading out of town.
“How are things at the ranch?” asked Sarah, breaking the easy silence between them.
“Things are well. We’ve been working on bringing the stragglers in for the winter, and we’ve got most of them down out of the high country now, I believe. Holston says it’s the best he’s done in years, so I’m glad for him.”
“I’m sure he’s very appreciative of your hard work. How is it you’ve managed to visit town so often, with all of that going on?”
Bill blushed, and dropped his eyes to the ground. “I don’t know. I guess I took the opportunity to come to town whenever I could. Sometimes it was the only break I had before I had to go right out herding again. I’ve not been sleeping much, I suppose.”
He turned to face her with a half-grin.
“And Estelle tells me you may be moving on soon. Is that true?”
“Yes. I’ve committed to a cattle drive further west, in Paradise Valley. It starts in a few weeks, so I’ll have to leave here soon - two weeks at the latest. God provided a job at the Gilmore ranch to get me through a couple of lean months before the cattle drive, but it’s just about time for me to leave.”
“I’ll be sorry to see you go.” Sarah stopped to pluck a daisy from a grassy hillock beside the road.
“You will?”
“Yes, of course.”
Bill sighed, and the sad sound of it made Sarah spin about to face him. His brow was furrowed in a frown.
“What is it?”
“Sarah, you know how I feel about you, don’t you?”
“Well, I’m not sure. I mean, I know how you felt about me before…”
“Before what?”
“Before I told you. You know – who I am.”
“And you think that changed my feelings, somehow?”
“Well, yes.”
Bill stepped toward her, and grabbed her by the arm pulling her close to him. He leaned his head toward hers, and she could feel the caress of his breath on her cheek.
“It didn’t.”
“Oh.”
He leaned down and kissed her, his lips as light as a feather brushing over hers. Sarah felt her pulse quicken.
“But, aren’t you afraid of what people will think about us? With me being a half-breed?”
“Don’t ever say that,” he growled, kissing her again. This time his lips pushed against hers, their warm urgency parting her own and sending a tingling heat coursing through her flesh. “No, I don’t care about what anyone thinks. And neither should you.”
Bill wrapped his strong arms around Sarah’s shoulders, and pulled her head against his chest, caressing her hair with one hand.
“My darling, Sarah. All I want is for you to be my wife. I’ve wanted it since the first time I laid eyes on you over the barrel of your rifle.” He laughed, and lifted her chin with one finger to gaze deeply into her eyes. “Will you marry me?”
His words were soft, but Sarah could feel the pounding of his heart through the flannel checked shirt that covered his hard chest. His eyes were full of longing, and her heart leapt at his expression of love.
She knew she cared for Bill, but did she love him? Did she want to spend the rest of her years loving him? It was so hard for her to let go of the walls she’d used for so long to keep people at bay. To keep herself safe. But hadn’t she decided that she was going to try? The thought of having Bill love her, care for her, keep her safe, and provide for her made her heart quicken. The idea of waking up beside him every morning for the rest of her days filled her eyes with tears.
“Yes, I’ll marry you.” She whispered it, but he heard every word and lifted her high into the air above him with a loud whoop of delight. Lowering her slowly again into his arms, his lips met hers in a passionate kiss that sent Sarah’s head spinning. A slow but profound joy seeped into her soul, and she smiled against his lips. Maybe God was real after all. She’d found someone to love and who loved her in return. She prayed again.
God, please let this love last a lifetime. Don’t let me lose him, the way I have every other person I’ve ever loved.
Her heart clouded with the fog of sorrowful memories, and she shook them away. She would choose happiness. She would choose to believe that things would work out this time. She wouldn’t allow the melancholy to overwhelm her and dull the sweet pleasure of this moment. She chose joy.
Chapter 16
Sarah shifted the weight of the rifle that was slung over her left shoulder. She crouched in her buckskin dress and moccasins to finger the trail of a deer. There looked to be three or four of them; all had wandered slowly down the track she was following, and only minutes before her.
She studied the indentation of their small hooves, and the broken twigs and crushed leaves along their path. Standing again, she licked one finger and felt for the direction of the wind. She was downwind of them; they wouldn’t smell her coming.
Bending forward, she crept down the trail, shadowing the tracks the animals had made in front of her. Her thoughts drifted to Bill and their engagement. After his proposal, he’d taken her back to the Todds’ house and asked to speak to Sam. Even though Sam wasn’t her father, Bill said that he felt it was only right to ask Sam for her hand in marriage. While he was doing that, Sarah shared the good news with Estelle in the kitchen.
Estelle clapped her hands over her open mouth and squealed.
“You’re engaged!” she cried. She pulled Sarah to her in a bear hug, squeezing the breath from her lungs. Sarah laughed, and returned the embrace.
“Yes, we’re engaged. He wants to marry in two weeks, and then we’ll be leaving for Paradise Valley.”
Estelle’s arms dropped to her sides, and her eyes became bright with unshed tears.
“Of course, my dear. I suppose I knew that would happen. Although, we will certainly miss you around here.”
Sarah’s eyes filled with moisture as well at the thought, and she rubbed them quickly with the back of her wrist.
“Yes, I will miss you too. But I’m sure we’ll visit, and you can come and see us when you’re next out that way.”
“Yes, we certainly will. We go through Paradise Valley every spring. So, if you’re still there, we’ll be calling on you, you can count on that.”
“Who knows, maybe we’ll head back here after the cattle drive.”
“Oh, I do hope you wil
l. Sam and I will be retiring one day soon, and since we don’t have any children of our own, we’d love it if you and Bill lived nearby. Do ask him about it, when you get a chance, won’t you?”
Sarah chuckled, and embraced Estelle again. “Yes, I will ask him about it.”
As Sarah remembered their exchange, a smile drifted across her face. Ever since Bill’s proposal, she was more like her old self. She finally felt safe enough to leave the Todds’ house. She’d even ventured to the woods today to hunt down something good to eat. Bill and the Gilmores were coming to dinner the following evening to celebrate the engagement, and Sarah had told Estelle she’d bring home a deer since winter was approaching and there’d be no more venison for many months. Estelle was looking forward to serving venison steaks to the entire party.
Sarah’s taste buds quivered at the thought. It had been a while since she’d eaten a succulent steak. She slinked through the shadows of the regal fir trees crowding around her, and narrowed her eyes to concentrate on the task at hand.
***
Estelle pushed the oranges, one by one, into her shopping basket and smiled with glee. Sarah was out hunting for venison, and they’d have a special treat for dessert – orange cake with slices of fresh orange. She licked her lips, and hurried from the mercantile, calling a quick goodbye to the proprietor.
The sound of gunfire down the street stopped Estelle in her tracks. She spun about and stared in the direction from which it came. Three men were running toward her. The first sped past her, glancing over his shoulder as he ran. The other two were hot on his trail – the sheriff and one of his deputies pursued the man down the road and out of town.
Estelle stood horrified, her leaden feet unable to move. The man who ran past her looked familiar. His black hair and empty eyes sent a chill running down her spine.
