Beebo Brinker Chronicles 2 - I Am A Woman, In Love With A Woman

by Ann Bannon

  Beebo watched her face change and then she shook her head. “It must have been a bad fight,” she said.

  "You've got it all wrong, Beebo. It wasn't a fight. It was-I don't know what it was."

  "She straight?"

  "I don't know.” Laura put her forehead down on the heel of her right hand. “Yes, she's straight,” she whispered. “Well, did you tell her? About yourself?"

  "I don't know if I did or not. I didn't say it but I acted like a fool. I don't know what she thinks."

  "Then things could be worse,” Beebo said. But if she's straight, they're probably hopeless.” ‘That's what Jack said."

  "Jack's right."

  "He's not in love with her!"

  "Makes him even lighter. He sees what you can't see. If he says she's straight, believe him. Get out while you can."

  "I can't.” Laura felt an awful twist of tenderness for Marcie in her throat.

  "Okay, baby, go home and get your heart broken. It's the only way to learn, I guess."

  "I can't go home. Not tonight."

  "Come home with me."

  "No."

  "Well...” Beebo smiled. “I know a nice bench in Washington Square. If you're lucky the bums'll leave you alone. And the cops."

  'Til-I'll go to Jack's,” she said, suddenly brightening with the idea. “He won't mind."

  "He might,” Beebo said, and raised her glass to her lips. “Call him first."

  Laura started to leave the bar and then recalled that all—her change was sitting on the counter in front of Beebo. She turned back in confusion, her face flushing again. Beebo turned and looked at her. “What's the matter, baby?” And then she laughed. “Need a dime?” She handed her one.

  For a moment, in the relative quiet of the phone booth, Laura leaned against a wall and wondered if she might faint. But she didn't. She deposited the dime and dialed Jack's number. The phone rang nine times before he answered, and she was on the verge of panic when she heard him lift the receiver at last and say sleepily, “Hello?"

  "Hello, Jack? Jack, this is Laura.” She was vastly relieved to find him at home. “Sorry, we don't want any."

  "Jack, I've got to see you."

  "My husband contributes to that stuff at the office."

  "Jack, please! It's terribly important."

  "I love you, Mother, but you call me at the God-damnedest times."

  "Can I come over?"

  "Jesus, no!” he exclaimed, suddenly coming wide awake. “Oh, Jack, what'll I do?” She sounded desperate.

  "All right now, let's get straightened out here. Let's make an effort.” He sounded as if he had drunk a lot and just gotten to sleep, still drunk, when Laura's call woke him up. “Now start at the beginning. And make it quick. What's the problem?"

  She felt hurt, slighted. Of all people, Jack was the one she had to count on. “I-I acted like a fool with Marcie. I don't know what she thinks,” she half-sobbed. “Jack, help me."

  "What did you do?"

  "Nothing-everything. I don't know."

  "God, Mother. Why did you pick tonight? Of all nights?"

  "I didn't pick it, it just happened."

  "What happened, damn it?"

  "I-I sort of embraced her.

  There was a silence on the other end for a minute. Laura heard him say away from the receiver, “Okay, it's okay. No, she's a friend of mine. A friend, damn it, a girl.” Then his voice became clear and close again. “Mother, I don't know what to say. I'm not sure I understand what happened, and if I did I still wouldn't know what the hell to say. Where are you?"

  "At The Cellar. Jack, you've just got to help me. Please."

  "Are you alone?"

  "Yes. No. I've been talking to Beebo, but—"

  "Oh! Well, God, that's it, that's the answer. Go home with Beebo."

  "No! I can't, Jack. I want to come to your place."

  "Laura, honey—” He was wide awake now, sympathetic, but caught in his own domestic moils. “Laura, I'm—well, I'm entertaining.” He laughed a little at his own silliness. “I'm involved. I'm fraternizing. Oh, hell, I'm making love. You can't come over here.” His voice went suddenly in the other direction as he said, “No, calm down, she's not coming over."

  Then he said, “Laura, I wish I could help, honest to God. I just can't, not now. You've got to believe me.” He spoke softly, confidentially, as if he didn't want the other to hear what he said. “I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll call Marcie and get it straightened out. Don't worry, Marcie believes in me. She thinks I'm Jack Armstrong, the all-American boy. The four-square trouble-shooter. I'll fix it up for you."

  "Jack, please,” she whimpered, like a plaintive child.

  "I'll do everything I can. You just picked the wrong night and that's the God's truth, honey. Where's Beebo? Let me talk to Beebo."

  Laura went out of the booth to get her, feeling half dazed, and found her way back to the bar. “He wants to talk to you,” she said to Beebo, without looking at her.

  Beebo frowned at her and then swung herself off her seat and headed for the phone. Laura sat down in her place, disturbed by the warmth Beebo left behind, twirling her glass slowly in her hand. She was crushed that Jack had turned her down.

  Perhaps he had a lover, perhaps this night was so important to him that he couldn't give it up, even though she had all his sympathy. These things might be-in fact, were-true. But Laura could hardly discern them through her private pains.

  Beebo came back in a minute and leaned over Laura, one hand on the bar, the other on Laura's shoulder. “He says I'm to take you home,” she said, “feed you aspirins, dry your tears, and put you to bed. And no monkey business.” She smiled as Laura looked slowly up into her face. It was a strong interesting face. With a little softness, a little innocence, it might have been lovely. But it was too hard and cynical, too restless: and disillusioned. “Come on, sweetie pie,” Beebo said. “I'm a nice kid, I won't eat you."

  They walked until they came to a small dark street, and the second door up-dark green-faced right on the sidewalk. Beebo opened it and they walked down a couple of steps into a small square court surrounded by the windowed walls of apartment buildings. On the far side was another door with benches and play areas grouped in between on the court. Beebo unlocked the other door and led Laura up two flights of unlighted stairs to her apartment.

  When they went inside a brown dachshund rushed to meet them and tried to climb up their legs. Beebo laughed and talked to him, reaching down to push him away.

  Laura stood inside the door, her hands over her eyes, somewhat unsteady on her feet.

  "Here, baby, let's get you fixed up,” Beebo said. “Okay, Nix, down. Down!” she said sharply to the excited little dog, and shoved him away with her foot. He slunk off to a chair where he studied her reproachfully.

  Beebo led Laura through the small living room to an even smaller bedroom and sat her down on the bed. She knelt in front of her and took her shoes off. Then, gently, she leaned against her, forcing her legs slightly apart, and put her arms around Laura's waist. She rubbed her head against Laura's breasts and said, “Don't be afraid, baby.” Laura tried weakly to hold her off but she said, “I won't hurt you Laura,” and looked up at her. She squeezed her gently, rhythmically, her arms tightening and loosening around Laura's body. She made a little sound in her throat and, lifting her face, kissed Laura's neck. And then she stood up slowly, releasing her.

  "Okay,” she said. “Fine. No monkey business. Make yourself comfortable, honey. There's the John-old, but serviceable. You sleep here. I'll take the couch. Here! Here, Nix!” She grabbed the little dog, which had bounded onto the bed and was trying to lick Laura's face, and picked him up in her arms like a baby. She grinned at Laura. “I'll take him to bed, he won't bother you,” she said. “Call me if there's anything you need.” She looked at Laura closely while Laura tried to answer her. The younger girl sat on the bed, pale with fatigue and hunger, feeling completely lost and helpless. “Thanks,” she murmured. />
  Beebo sat down beside her. “You look beat, honey,” she said. “I am."

  "Want to tell me about it now?” Laura shook her head.

  "Well...” she said. “Good night, Little Bo-peep. Sleep tight.” And she kissed her forehead, then turned around and went out of the bedroom, turning out the light on her way.

  Laura had gotten off the bed without looking at her, but feeling Beebo's eyes on her. She shut the door slowly, until she heard the catch snap. Then she turned, leaning on the door, and looked at the room. It was small and full of stuff, with yellowed walls. Everything looked clean, although the room was in a state of complete confusion, with clothes draped over chairs and drawers half shut.

  All of a sudden, Laura felt stronger. She undressed quickly, taking off everything but her nylon slip, and pulled down the bedclothes. She climbed in gratefully. She didn't even try to forget Marcie or what had happened. It would have been impossible. Mere trying would have made it worse. She relaxed on her back in the dark, her arms outflung, and waited for the awful scene to come up in her mind and torture her.

  Her mind wandered. The awful embrace was awful no longer-only wrong and silly and far away. The damage was irreparable. She stared at the ceiling, invisible in the dark, and felt a soft lassitude come over her. She felt as if she were melting into the bed; as if she could not have moved if she tried.

  Time flowed by and she waited for sleep. It was some time before she realized she was actually waiting for it. It didn't come. She turned on her side, and still it eluded her. Finally she snapped the light on to squint at her watch. It said five of four. She switched it off again, her eyes dazzled, and wondered what the matter was. And then she heard Beebo turn over in the next room, and she knew.

  An old creeping need began to writhe in Laura, coming up suddenly out of the past and twisting itself around her innards. The pressure increased while she lay there trying to ignore it, becoming more insistent. It began to swell and fade with a rhythm of its own; a rhythm she knew too well and feared. Slowly the heat mounted to her face, the sweat come out on her body. She began to turn back and forth in bed, hating herself and trying to stop it, but helpless with it.

  Laura was a sensual girl. Her whole being cried out for love and loving. It had been denied her for over a year, and the effects were a severe strain on her that often brought her nerves to the breaking point. She pretended she had learned to live with it, or rather, without it. She even pretended she could live her whole life without it. But in her secret self she knew she couldn't.

  Beebo turned over again in the living room and Laura knew she was awake, too. The sudden realization made her gasp, and she could fool herself no longer. She wanted Beebo. She wanted a woman; she wanted a woman so terribly that she had to put her hand tight over her mouth to stop the groan that would have issued from it.

  For a few moments more she tossed feverishly on her bed, trying to find solitary release, but it wouldn't come. The thought of Beebo tortured her now, and not the thought of Marcie. Beebo-with her lithe body, her fascinating face, her cynical shell. There was so much of Beth there. At that thought, Laura found herself swinging her legs out of bed.

  Moonlight glowed in two bright squares on the living room floor. Laura could see the couch, draped in blankets. She wondered whether Beebo had heard her and waited breathlessly for some sign. Nix lifted his head but made no sound, only watching her as she advanced across the room on her tiptoes, her white slip gleaming as she passed through the light.

  Laura stood and hovered over the couch, uncertain what to do, her heart pounding hugely against her ribs, Beebo was on her side, turned toward Laura, apparently asleep. Nix was snuggled into the ditch between the back of Beebo and the back of the couch.

  Beebo stirred slightly, but she didn't open her eyes. “Beebo,” Laura whispered, dropping to her knees and supporting herself against the couch with her hands. “Beebo?” she whispered again, a little louder. And then, sensing that Beebo had heard her she bent down and kissed her cheek, her hands reaching for her. Beebo was suddenly completely roused, coming up on her elbow and then falling back and pulling Laura with her.

  "Laura?” she said huskily. “Are you all right?” And then she felt Laura's lips on her face again and a shock of passion gripped her. “Oh, God-Oh, baby,” she said, and her arms went around Laura hard.

  "Hold me,” Laura begged, clinging to her. “Oh, Beebo, hold me."

  Beebo rolled off the couch onto Laura and the abrupt weight of her body fired Laura into a frenzy. They rolled over each other on the floor, pressing each other tight, almost as if they wanted to fuse their bodies, and kissed each other wildly.

  Laura felt such a wave of passion come up in her that it almost smothered her. She thought she couldn't stand it. And then she didn't think at all. She only clung to Beebo, half tearing her pajamas off her back, groaning wordlessly, almost sobbing. Her hands explored, caressed, felt Beebo all over, while her own body responded with violent spasms-joyous, crazy, deep as her soul. She could no more have prevented her response than she could the tyrannic need that drove her to find it. She felt Beebo's tongue slip into her mouth and Beebo's firm arms squeezing her and she went half out of her mind with it. Her hands were in Beebo's hair, tickling her ears, slipping down her back, over her hips and thighs. Her body heaved against Beebo's in a lovely mad duet. She felt like a column of fire, all heat and light, impossibly sensual, impossibly sexual. She was all feeling, warm and melting, strong and sweet.

  It was a long time before either of them came to their senses. They had fallen half asleep when it was over, still lying on the floor, where Nix, after some trepidation, came to join them. When Laura opened her eyes the gray dawn had replaced the white moonlight. She was looking out the window at a mass of telephone and electric wires. She gazed slowly downward until she found Beebo's face. Beebo was awake, watching her-no telling for how long. She smiled slightly, frowning at the same time. But she didn't say anything and neither did Laura. They only pulled closer together, until their lips touched. Beebo began to kiss Laura over and over, little soft teasing kisses that kept out of the way of passion, out of the way of Laura's own kisses as they searched for Beebo's lips. Until it was suddenly imperative that they kiss each other right. Laura tried feebly to stop it, but she quickly surrendered. When Beebo relented a little it was Laura who pulled her back, until Beebo was suddenly crazy for her again.

  "No, no, no, no,” Laura murmured, but she had asked for it. A year and a half of abstinence was too much for her. At that moment she was in bondage to her body. She gave in in spite of herself, rolling over on Beebo, her fine hair falling over Beebo's breasts in a pale glimmering shower, soft and cool and bringing up the fire in Beebo again.

  Once again they rested, half sleeping, turning now and then to feel each other, reassure themselves that the other was still there, still responsive. Now and then Beebo pushed Nix off Laura, or out from between them, where he was anxious to make himself a nest.

  It was Saturday afternoon before they could drag themselves off the floor. It was Laura who pulled herself to her knees first by the aid of a handy chair, and squinted at the bright daylight. For a few moments she remained there, swaying slightly, trying to think straight and not succeeding. She felt Beebo's hand brush across her stomach and looked down at her. Beebo smiled a little.

  An elusive feeling of shame slipped through Laura, disappeared, came back again, faded, came back. It seemed uncertain whether or not to stay. She swallowed experimentally, looking at Beebo. After a minute Beebo said, “Who's Beth?"

  "Beth?” Laura was startled. “Um-hm. She the blonde?"

  "No. That's Marcie."

  "Well, baby, seems to me like it's Beth you're after, not Marcie."

  Laura frowned at her. “I haven't seen Beth for almost a year. She's married now. It's all over."

  "For her, maybe."

  "I won't discuss it,” she said haughtily, getting up and walking away from her, while Beebo lay on the
floor admiring her body, her head propped comfortably on her hands. “It happened long ago and I've forgotten “Then how come you called me Beth all night?"

  Laura gasped, turning to look at her, and then her face went pink. “I-I'm sorry, Beebo,” she said. “I won't do it again."

  "Don't count on it."

  Laura stamped her foot. “Damn you, Beebo!” she said. “Don't talk to me as if I were an irresponsible child!"

  Beebo laughed, rolling over and nearly crushing Nix, who reacted by licking her frantically and wagging his tail. Beebo squashed him in a hug, still laughing. Laura turned on her heel to leave the room, looking back quickly to grab her slip, and went into the bedroom, slamming the door. Within seconds it flew open again and Beebo leaned against the jamb, smiling at her. one sauntered into the room. “Now, don't tell me you didn't enjoy yourself last night, Little Bo-peep,” she said. Laura ignored her, moving speedily, suddenly embarrassed to be naked. In the heat of passion it was glorious, but in the morning, in the gray light, in the chill and ache of waking up, she hated it. Her own bare flesh seemed out of place. Not so with Beebo, who sprawled on the bed on top of the underwear Laura wanted to put on.

  "Did you?” said Beebo. “Enjoy yourself?"

  "Get up, Beebo, I want to get dressed."

  "After all, it was your idea, baby."

  "Don't throw that in my face!” she exclaimed angrily, ashamed to remember it."

  "Why not? It's true. Besides I'm not throwing it in your face, I'm just saying it.” Laura turned away from her, unbearably conscious of her own slim behind, her dimpled rump, and her long limbs. She yearned to be shrouded in burlap.

  "Beebo, I-I couldn't help myself last night.” She worked to control her voice, to be civilized about it “I needed—I mean-it had been so long."

  "Since Beth?” Laura fought down a sudden impulse to strangle her.

  "I was a fool,” she said, and her voice trembled. “A fool with my roommate and now with you. It got so I couldn't stand it at home. It got intolerable."