by Maya Banks
She lifted her hands to frame his face, caressing his jaw as she stared up at him.
“Make love to me, Cam. Don’t hold back. You won’t hurt me.”
He closed his eyes and emitted a harsh groan. Then he turned his face into her hand and kissed her palm. Carefully he lowered himself until her belly pressed into his. He rested his forearms on either side of her shoulders and then pushed deeper.
His mouth found hers. Hungry. Hot. Demanding even as he was exceedingly gentle.
He found a slow, sensual rhythm, rocking against her as he filled her again and again. He was patient, working her up that slow rise all over again.
It was less urgent this time. Mellow. A lazy climb upward as pleasure filled her. She felt weightless, surrounded by him. She felt…loved.
Even as she knew it was foolish to allow herself the fantasy that he wanted and needed her, she couldn’t help but immerse herself in this one moment where everything in her world was utter perfection.
His mouth skimmed down her jaw to her neck where his teeth grazed the sensitive skin underneath her ear. Then he raised his body just enough to send himself even deeper inside her.
She gasped, then clutched at his shoulders, digging her nails into his flesh. She arched upward, wanting, needing more.
“That’s it, baby,” he murmured. “I love how you respond. Always with me one hundred percent.”
Oh, if he only knew just how with him she was and wanted to be. She bit her lip to prevent the words, those damnable words, from slipping out in the heat of the moment. He wouldn’t welcome them.
I love you.
She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down so they were close. So close that his warmth bled into her body and she had no sense of where he began and she ended.
He shuddered against her. Let out a hoarse cry. She moaned softly and then whispered his name as the world crashed around her. Arching. Sighing. Undulating. Their bodies moved in quiet unison until they were wrapped tighter than braided rope.
She melted back onto the mattress, so sated that she couldn’t even contemplate moving. For a moment he rested above her, his weight only barely pressed to hers, and then he rolled to the side, taking her with him.
He pulled her in close, anchoring her head in the hollow of his neck. His heart tripped frantically against her cheek and she inhaled deeply, wanting to capture his essence and imprint it in her memory.
He didn’t speak but neither did she. Anything she’d say would only ruin the moment and anything he’d likely say she wouldn’t want to hear. So she was content to let things lie.
She closed her eyes, knowing that when she woke again, he’d be gone. Just like the other times. She’d wake to an empty bed and an even emptier heart.
She threw her arm and a leg over him, knowing it was pointless but unable to resist the urge to keep him close for as long as she could. Then she snuggled deeper into his embrace and allowed the veil of sleep to overcome her.
* * *
Cam woke in a cold sweat, the horror of his dream still alive and vivid in his mind. For a moment he stared into the darkness, still reliving every moment.
The accident that had taken Elise and Colton from him had been replayed in slow motion. He’d experienced the horrific, numbing helplessness of knowing he couldn’t save them. But still, he’d run toward the wreckage, his heart in his throat, praying with everything he had that this time would be different. That this time he’d find them alive.
Only when he’d gotten there, it had been Pippa’s bloodied face he’d seen, the last, pained cry of their newborn son he’d heard.
Desperate to get away and to make the awful vision disappear, he shoved hastily out of the bed, Pippa’s sleepy murmur of protest dim in his ears.
He yanked on his clothing, nearly tripping in his haste to be gone. He stumbled through her apartment to the front door and lunged into the night, gulping huge, steadying breaths into burning lungs.
He palmed his forehead as he made his way to his car and fumbled with the lock. He got in and slumped against the seat and sat there several long minutes, staring through the windshield, trying to bring to mind Elise’s features.
But it wasn’t his beloved wife he saw every time he closed his eyes. It was Pippa.
Seventeen
Pippa struggled out of bed the next morning. She should be euphoric. She’d had a terrific turnout for her grand opening. She’d spent a wonderful evening with Cam and an even better night in bed. But as she’d known, even though she’d awakened before dawn to get to her café, Cam had been gone.
She trudged into her shop, feeling thoroughly down. The two people she’d hired to help her bake in the mornings arrived shortly after she did and they worked in silence, Pippa shunning any attempt at conversation.
She needed time to think. Or rather time to berate herself for being such a weak ninny. Cam was…well, he was manic and it was driving her insane. She couldn’t continue like this.
Oh, who was she kidding. All the man had to do was smile at her, offer an apology and take her to bed. She’d never envisioned herself as one of those gullible women she and her friends liked to rag on. But apparently Pippa was smart in every aspect except men and relationships.
It was just a few minutes to opening when Pippa’s cell phone rang. It was Ashley’s ringtone and Pippa felt some of her tension ease. Ashley always made her feel better.
“You’re up early this morning. Baby keeping you awake?” Pippa asked as she put the phone to her ear.
“Pippa, it’s Devon.”
He sounded harried and there was a terse quality to his voice that immediately put her on edge.
“Where’s Ashley?” Pippa demanded.
“We’re at the hospital. She’s in labor and wanted me to call you. I can’t reach her mother and she’s in a panic. I think she just wants some female company. I’m driving her crazy.”
Pippa smiled. “It’s all right, Dev. I’m on my way. Hang in there.”
Devon’s relief was palpable. “Thanks, Pippa.”
She rang off and then gave her employees instructions for running the shop in her absence. Leaving her business on its second day wasn’t at all what she wanted but she wasn’t about to leave Ashley when she needed her most.
After making sure they’d call her if any issues arose, Pippa hurried out the door to hail a cab. She could call John, but she didn’t want to wait even that long to get to the hospital. She was nervous and excited to be with Ashley on the big day, but if she were honest, she’d admit that the whole delivery thing scared the bejebus out of her.
She wasn’t yet prepared for that aspect of her pregnancy; she’d been existing in ignorant bliss. Childbirth itself was the part of all the pregnancy books she skipped over. She knew all about the nine months leading up to it. She knew all about what happened after the delivery. But she’d blocked out any information about the actual delivery of the baby.
Not smart, but hey, a girl did what she had to just to get through.
Once at the hospital she stopped by the information desk to find out Ashley’s room number and then headed up to the maternity ward. She tapped on Ashley’s door, half-afraid of what she’d see on the other side.
Devon opened the door and looked relieved to see her there. Pippa hesitantly peeked around Devon, happy when she saw Ashley propped in the bed looking none the worse for wear. Ashley’s face brightened when she saw Pippa.
“Pippa! I’m so glad you’re here.”
Pippa smiled and went over to the bed to enfold Ashley in a hug. “Hey, you. How’s it going? When’s that baby going to get here?”
Ashley pulled a face. “Not soon enough. It could be hours yet. I’m only dilated to four.”
Pippa blinked. “Four what?”
Ashley’s brow furrowed. “Centimeters.”
“Oh.”
Pippa really didn’t want to know what exactly that meant. It sounded painful. These were things she avoided.
She’d much rather read about the baby’s first movements and all the development stages after birth.
“Can I get you anything, Ash?”
Ashley shook her head. “No, just stay with me. I’m driving poor Dev nuts. He wants to make it all better and I’m grumpy.”
Pippa laughed. “You grumpy?”
“Here, have a seat, Pippa,” Devon offered as he pushed a chair behind her. “You don’t need to be on your feet, and like Ash said, it’s going to be a while.”
Pippa settled in the chair beside Ashley’s bed while Devon continued to pace in a small area behind them. She reached for Ashley’s hand and offered a comforting squeeze.
“Are you excited?”
Ashley took a deep breath. “Excited. Scared out of my mind. I just want to know how soon I can get my epidural.”
Pippa shuddered.
“I kind of wish now that I’d found out what we’re having,” Ashley said mournfully. “I thought it would be exciting to be all surprised when the doctor said ‘it’s a boy’ or ‘it’s a girl,’ but now I’m thinking no surprises is a good thing.”
Pippa nodded her agreement. Of course if she’d opted not to find out, maybe Cam wouldn’t have wigged out, but then it probably wouldn’t have been good for him to find out on delivery day. The more time he had to come to terms with the fact he was having another son, the better. Or at least that was her way of thinking.
Devon moved to the other side of Ashley’s bed and leaned down to kiss her temple. “It’ll be all right, Ash. You’re going to do great.”
Ashley looked up with such love in her eyes, love that was openly reflected in Devon’s tender gaze. Pippa had to look away and swallow against the knot forming in her throat. She wanted this. What they had. She and Cam hadn’t even discussed if he’d be here when the baby came. She assumed he would, but she was learning it was dangerous to assume anything when it came to him.
She stood abruptly, tears burning the lids of her eyes. “I’ll be right back. I need to make a phone call. Check on the store.”
She all but fled from Ashley’s hospital room, shutting the door behind her and leaning heavily on it as she tried to clear her blurry vision. She pushed off the door and hurried down the hall to the waiting room where hopefully she could regain her composure. Ashley needed her to be strong today.
* * *
Throughout the day, visitors came and went. Ashley’s mother barged into the room a few hours after Pippa arrived, mortified that she couldn’t be reached the minute Ashley went into labor. Pippa was glad to see Mrs. Copeland. She just had a way of making everything better. She’d already hugged Pippa no less than a dozen times and Pippa gloried in each one.
Tabitha, Carly and Sylvia came by but didn’t stay long since the room was growing more crowded with Ashley’s family. Pippa herself had already decided she’d retire down the hall to the waiting area so she wouldn’t be in the way.
She crept out, snagged a cup of water from the cooler and sat in a comfortable chair to wait the arrival of the baby. As the day wore on, more people filtered into the waiting room and it was alive with conversation and excitement.
Ashley had a large family and it seemed that every single one of them was going to be present for the birth of Ashley’s child.
Pippa’s heart squeezed because she couldn’t imagine such a wonderful fuss when it came time for her baby to be born. How marvelous it must be to have a huge, loving family who gathered for special occasions and celebrated with such vibrancy.
Here in a room full of warm, friendly people, she’d never felt so alone in her life.
“Have you eaten anything today?”
She jumped, pulled suddenly from her thoughts by the sound of Cam’s voice coming from behind her. She turned around and shook her head, watching as he frowned his disapproval.
“Let’s go down to the cafeteria,” Cam said.
He started to take her elbow but she pulled away. “I’m not leaving now. Ashley is going to deliver at any minute. No way am I missing this.”
Cam seemed to take in the expectant air that permeated the room. He drew his lips into a thin line and then said, “I’ll go get you something. You need to eat.”
She shrugged—which seemed to irritate him—but she wasn’t exactly concerned with him at the moment.
With another inquisitive look in her direction, Cam turned and walked out of the waiting room. Pippa blew out her breath and settled back in her seat. Yeah, he probably was confused as to why she was snippy. In his mind, he’d probably already blown off the fact that he’d hightailed it after sex again. And he had no way of knowing just how muddled Pippa’s own feelings were and how close to her breaking point she was.
Fifteen minutes later, Cam returned with a foam carry-out container and handed it to her with plastic utensils.
“I wasn’t sure what to get you to drink, so I got you a bottle of water.”
“That’s fine,” she said, retrieving it from his grasp. “You aren’t eating?”
“I ate before I came.”
He parked himself in the chair next to her, extending his long legs as she opened the container. The spaghetti and garlic bread looked good, but she had absolutely no desire to eat. Her stomach was too churned up.
She managed a few bites and pushed the food around so it would look like she was eating. The only problem was, she could feel Cam’s stare on her and knew he wasn’t fooled.
She was saved when Ashley’s father, William Copeland, burst into the waiting room, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s a girl! I have a granddaughter!”
The room erupted with excitement. Pippa put her plate down and rose with the others to converge on Mr. Copeland. The smiles were huge. Lots of hugging. It was everything Pippa wanted for her own delivery.
A few minutes later, Devon appeared holding a tiny bundle in his arms. He was smiling so big that his face had to hurt. But then Pippa watched as Cam converged on his friend, his own smile a match to Devon’s.
Her mouth drooped as Cam peered over the blanket at the baby, his eyes glowing as he and Devon exchanged comments. Worse, Devon readily handed the baby over to Cam and they stood together cooing and talking baby nonsense.
Pippa hadn’t thought it possible to hurt more than she had the day of her sonogram. She stood locked in stone as she watched the same man who’d walked away from her and her baby make a total moron of himself over that tiny little girl.
Cam handed the baby back, slapped Devon on the back and heartily congratulated him. The room was a buzz of excited chatter, congratulations and oohs and aahs. But Pippa was focused on Cam. Cam, who was smiling. Cam, who was happy. Cam, who clearly had it in him to love.
So why couldn’t he love her and their child?
Eighteen
Pippa was no longer able to stand there and pretend that everything was fine when she was dying on the inside.
In the excitement, she was able to slip away unnoticed. As she headed toward the elevator, she bumped into one of Ashley’s cousins and asked her if she’d make Pippa’s excuses to the new mother. She walked into the elevator, turning to stare at the jubilation at the opposite end of the corridor. Tears pricked her eyelids as she punched the button for the first floor.
Just as the doors started to slide closed, Cam looked up and their gazes connected. His brow furrowed and he started forward, but the gap closed and the elevator began its descent.
Realizing that Cam would likely come down after her, she headed out and crossed the street, deciding to walk a few blocks before hailing a cab.
The night air was chilly despite the earlier sunshine and warmth. And what a perfect day it had been for Ashley’s baby girl to be born. Spring. The beginning of new life. A fresh start. Life after a long winter.
So symbolic, and yet for her, spring meant death.
Okay, so she was being a little dramatic, but sadness had a firm grip on her throat and it wasn’t letting go.
She loved Cam. Despite his many flaws.
But she wanted him to smile at her and their child the way he’d looked down and smiled at Devon and Ashley’s daughter. She wanted to see him light up and look…happy. Had he ever seemed so carefree when he was with her?
It had been like looking at an entirely different person. Was this the way he was around people he cared about? Ashley had said he was always gentle and even tender with her.
So it wasn’t that he didn’t care about people or that he was incapable of love. It was just as he’d said. He didn’t want to love her. Or their son.
A sob escaped as she raised her hand to hail an oncoming cab. It never slowed and she dropped her hand, staring down the street in search of the next one.
Tears streaked down her cheeks, but she made no effort to wipe them away. What was the point?
She leaned out when she saw another cab approach and slow down. She climbed in, barely managing to tell the driver her cross street. He gave her an odd look in his rearview mirror as he pulled into traffic.
Her cell phone rang but she didn’t bother to dig it out of her purse. It was Cam. She’d known he’d call. After a moment, the phone went silent and then a ping sounded, signaling a text message.
She was nearing her apartment, when her phone rang again. It was Ashley’s ringtone. Pippa dug into her purse, fumbling for the phone.
“Ash?” she said as she put the phone to her ear.
“No, it’s Devon.”
Pippa went silent for a moment. “Is everything okay with Ashley and the baby?”
“I’m more concerned with whether you’re all right,” Devon said in a low voice.
“I’m f-fine,” she said in a shaky voice. “Really. I hope I didn’t hurt Ashley’s feelings by not hanging around. I just figured she’d be exhausted and with all her family there I’d just be in the way.”
“You’re never in the way, Pippa,” Devon said gently. It was as if he knew precisely how upset Pippa was. As if he was standing in front of her, watching her cry. “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you. I know…I know it had to be hard for you to see that. Cam, I mean.”
It was then Pippa realized that Devon had indeed picked up on the very thing she had. She closed her eyes, a fresh resurgence of tears sliding hotly down her cheeks.
“I appreciate your concern, Dev. Truly. But I’m okay. You should be focusing on Ashley and that beautiful baby girl. Tell Ash that I’ll come see her tomorrow when things are a little less crazy, I promise. But you’re right. I couldn’t stay there tonight. I…I just had to go.”
“I understand,” Devon said. “Chin up, Pippa. If killing him would help, I’d give serious consideration to it. Only the knowledge that I was once the same sort of bastard and that I eventually saw the light is saving me from tossing him off a bridge.”
Pippa smiled as her cab pulled to a stop. “Thanks, Dev. I’m home now so I’ll let you get back to your family. Give Ash my love and I’ll see her tomorrow.”
“Take care, Pippa,” Devon said. “If you need us, you know we’re here.”
“I do know,” she said softly.
She thrust money at the driver and then ducked out and hurried down the sidewalk toward her apartment. She glanced down at her phone to see she had several text messages. All from Cam.
The last?
Damn it, Pippa. Pick up the phone. What happened? Are you all right?
She slid the phone back into her purse and grabbed her keys as she mounted the steps to her door.
No, she wasn’t all right. She’d never been so not all right in her life.
* * *
The next day was a test of her endurance. She woke early after having not slept well at all and went into the café to get a start on the baking.
