by S. E. Babin
Reader's Note
I’ve taken some major liberties with mythology here. While I tried to stay true to many of the stories, Abby and her merry gang of misfits took on a life of their own. Thanks for hanging around for the journey.
Out of Practice Aphrodite
The Goddess Chronicles, Book 1
S.E. Babin
All rights reserved.
Book design by S.E. Babin
Cover Design by Viola Estrella
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
First printing March 2014 – Corvallis Press
S.E. Babin
Visit my website at sebabin.com
Printed in the United States of America
Contents
Reader's Note
Acknowledgment
1. Chapter One
2. Chapter Two
3. Chapter Three
4. Chapter Four
5. Chapter Five
6. Chapter Six
7. Chapter Seven
8. Chapter Eight
9. Chapter Nine
10. Chapter Ten
11. Chapter Eleven
12. Chapter Twelve
13. Chapter Thirteen
14. Chapter Fourteen
15. Chapter Fifteen
16. Chapter Sixteen
17. Chapter Seventeen
18. Chapter Eighteen
19. Chapter Nineteen
20. Chapter Twenty
21. Chapter Twenty One
For my favorite husband, Joel.
1
If there were a handbook for goddesses, the first rule would have to be: “Thou shalt never awaken with a massive hangover.” But that’s just what I had done this morning. As soon as my eyes opened and I sat up, I winced, clutched my head, and tried to remember the last time I had felt so awful. It probably had involved Dionysus. That dude knew how to throw a party.
Deep breathing seemed to settle some of the nausea sitting up had caused, and I wiggled my toes to ensure I still had motor function. Once I felt I could get out of bed without incident, some of the events of the night before hit me with sudden clarity, and my stomach sank like a stone.
“You are so screwed.”
I had no response. He was absolutely right. Aniketos, affectionately dubbed Keto, flew from his perch and landed on my knee. No matter how much trouble I managed to get myself into, Keto never wavered in his stalwart support of my escapades. He was at times sarcastic and frustrating, but there wasn’t any other bird I’d have by my side. Of course, Keto wasn’t just any bird. He could take the form of whatever he wished, a talent that had kept us both out of trouble numerous times. This morning he was in his favorite guise – a grey and white dove. His eyes might look innocent now, but that bird could look right into my soul.
Which was exactly what he was doing. He was my personal Jiminy Cricket…although slightly creepier. I blinked first because keeping my eyes open was a chore.
“What the heck happened last night?”
I remembered the majority of it, but I didn’t recall how I had managed to wind up suitably clothed in my bedroom. Considering the state I was in now, I was lucky not to have woken up naked in my front hallway.
“Do you mean before or after your rousing rendition of I am Woman?” He snickered and flew out of the way before I could muster the energy to swat him.
“Hear me roar.” I chuckled. The seventies had been pretty awesome. I had a moment of nostalgia and said a prayer of thanks for the era of bell bottoms and free love.
“How much do you actually remember, Abby?” Keto landed on the sun clock sitting on my nightstand. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t come to terms with the ridiculously loud alarm clocks mortals had invented. This one reminded me of the sun’s rays as they rose overhead and nudged me out of my sleep. For hundreds of years I had slept on Earth’s shores, but even a goddess couldn’t be too careful anymore.
“I remember heading to the Kiss concert, getting there, and–” I choked and turned wide eyes to Keto. He nodded solemnly and pointed one pink tipped claw at the clock. “Tick tock.”
Cursing my own stupidity, I bailed out of bed, tripping over the covers that had gathered around me during my drunken stupor last night. Ignoring the screaming pain inside my head, I hurriedly rushed into the bathroom to shower before I had company. Very bad company.
Once showered and properly attired, I plodded to the pantry in search of the one thing that could temporarily ease my worries and my bitch of a hangover. I got down on both knees, scattering boxes and cans haphazardly while searching for the sweet yellow processed goodie that I hoped would solve all of my troubles. “Twinkie, Twinkie, where art thou?”
I was in deep and needed something to take the edge off. Some girls chose wine, but I happened to be a junk food fanatic – the more the merrier and all that. What fun was it being a goddess if there weren’t any perks? Keto flew into the pantry to watch dispassionately as I frantically searched for Twinkies. In a fit of genius foresight, I had stashed away a large horde of the yellow goodies in a warehouse a few miles from my apartment, just in case. I kept a small stockpile here for stressful days, one that I was now having a heck of a time finding.
“I know you can eat anything you want, but must you always choose that fluorescent yellow non-food?” Keto was disgusted every time I picked up anything in a package.
“One of the perks of being a goddess, my friend. No cellulite, no cavities. Nary a dental visit in sight. Although, I certainly wouldn’t mind being drilled by a dentist.” I chuckled at my own joke, but Keto let out a disgusted snort and shoved a can of peaches out of the way, revealing the treasure behind it.
“Aha. Thanks, dude.” I abruptly righted myself and fist-pumped the air in Twinkie victory. My eye on the prize, the cellophane wrapper was no match for my teeth. Seconds later I was mumbling over a mouthful of heaven.
“Mmmm.” I allowed myself a moment of simple bliss while I awaited the oncoming storm.
Stepping out of the pantry and into the Tuscan kitchen I so adored, I thought back to last night and the major faux pas that was about to earn me a visit. No doubt Zeus had already heard about the teensy weensy riot I had caused at the Kiss concert. Olympus was about to come knocking at my door.
“Keto, how long before Zeus is here?”
“I’d say you have about a minute and a half.”
The Twinkie soured in my stomach as I frantically tried to think of a way to wriggle out of this latest predicament. Keto delicately cleared his throat, a weird sound coming from a dove.
“I have to ask. What in the world possessed you to turn on your headlights last night?” Keto, another child of Olympus, was unaffected by glamour. He had seen me when I appeared to others in full goddess glory and was aware I never used glamour unless the situation was desperate. And last night I was far from desperate, so I didn’t understand exactly what had happened.
“I’m really not sure. I wanted to see Gene Simmons backstage, and it was almost like I was possessed or something.” I had an unholy obsession with all things KISS, and at last night’s concert I should have been able to waltz back to the VIP area with little effort,
especially if men were involved. As a child of Olympus, I normally had no trouble holding my alcohol. Only a few substances were known to intoxicate the immortals, but those secrets were closely guarded. I should not have lost control. The fact that I had turned on my glamour in full view of mortals was of great concern to me and most likely to Zeus and others trying to stay under the human radar.
I locked eyes with Keto. “There may have been a riot.”
“A riot?” he echoed. Keto and I were connected telepathically so he often knew the events transpiring around me. He wouldn’t tell me how much he could sense. I tried not to be weirded out by that, especially if I happened to be entertaining a gentleman. We had been together for as long as I could remember, and I still wasn’t used to it.
“I swear it was innocent. I tried to get to the front of the stage, just so Gene could see me. But I forgot to turn it off.” I cringed, knowing what I must have looked like. Although the details were slightly fuzzy, I remembered stepping into the crowd and squeezing my way to the front of the stage.
At first the groping hands and wolf whistles hadn’t bothered me. Some well-placed elbows took care of the first few. I was the Goddess of Love after all, revered for beauty and possessed with an ability to incite lust with a mere glimpse. Walking among mortals had taught me very early to tone down my unearthly appearance. I normally chose the frame of a petite yet buxom blonde. Curvy enough to be a good birthing specimen, if you were into that sort of thing, yet slim enough to rock a bikini. Long curly hair spilled past my shoulders and down my back, ending in spirals at the bottom of my waist. My hair was the one thing I was unable to compromise on.
“Vanity, Aphrodite is thy name.” Keto sighed. He was right of course.
“But vanity is so much fun. And really, Keto, a girl has to have some freedom, right? I already made concessions when I chose this form.” A slight smattering of freckles was my one nod to mortality as they slightly marred my otherworldly features. He studied my blue eyes with their dark black eyelashes and rubbed one claw over his beak. If a bird could smirk, I was sure that was what he was doing. I touched my nose and found a coating of Twinkie cream.
“Sure you did, Abby. Because there’s no man on earth who likes blue-eyed blondes. Good call.”
“Something strange happened last night, Keto. I’ve never forgotten to change my appearance, and I’ve never been drunk in public.” Okay, that was a lie. I blamed Dionysus again. “This is going to be the straw that tips Zeus over the camel.”
“The camel?” That damned bird was laughing at me again.
“Whatever that saying is.” I wasn’t one to pick up the local slang.
Beyond trying to make it out of the stadium without being violated by horny men, I’d also had to deal with pissed off wives and girlfriends. I shuddered as I remembered trying to escape their vicious attacks. They could only watch helplessly as their partners fell under the inadvertent spell of rapture. I had been too distracted and a little fearful at the time because I had known I was losing control and couldn’t contain the power enough to properly adjust my glamour. Besides, at that point it had been too late.
“You’ve really done it this time. Not only did you allow mortals to see you, you also blinked out right in front of them. That is the kind of thing that will wind up on the six o’clock news, Abby. We might be in New York but even crazy people can’t suspend disbelief when thousands witness it.”
Strike two for me. I’d be lucky if Zeus didn’t zap me immediately to Hades and keep me there for millennia. Not only had I incited a riot, I had exposed the existence of Olympus to the world. I ran shaky fingers through my hair. “I was just trying to escape, Keto. The power was out of control. The only thing I could think of at the time was to get out of the stadium, no matter the cost.”
I could hear Keto flitting nervously around the living room. “Well, that is certainly true,” he said. “The cost to you will be great.”
Memories of the night prior played inside my head like a bad eighties movie. When I appeared back in my apartment, scared and still drunk, the only thing I could focus on was calming my jangled nerves. I had ransacked the kitchen and continued my drunken tirade with my trusty stash of vodka and soda. Getting hammered had taken my mind off the monumental mistake for a while, but it hadn’t made waking up this morning any fun.
I shuddered delicately at the thought of being imprisoned with Hades and Olympus forbid, Hephaestus, my hideous ex-husband. Tossing the Twinkie wrapper into the trash, I walked over to my favorite plush couch and plopped down. Polishing off the rest of my much needed snack, I licked my fingers with gusto and closed my eyes for a second.
Earth was a place I loved, sometimes more than Olympus. There were definite perks to being immortal, but the reality was that I longed to settle down and make mistakes the old fashioned way. I was ready to get fired from a job or wake up with a stranger whose name I couldn’t remember. Being a goddess meant a slight screw-up had the potential to tip the world scales and result in mass destruction. Each day in Olympus was virtually the same. Sometimes interesting things happened, but they often ended with gruesome punishments I could no longer bear to watch. I was mellowing in my old age and had left Olympus long ago. Lately I had been remiss in returning as much as I should. If there were any way I could stay on earth for good, I would certainly try. I just didn’t think Zeus would go for it…ever.
“Aphrodite. When in Hades are you ever going to learn?”
I cracked one eye open and peered at the vision looming over me. Zeus, bare-chested and fabulous, had reserved his extra special glare just for me. Too bad I richly deserved it this time. He stood stone still, his handsome face mottled with rage.
Keto glanced at me quickly, bird eyes sympathetic, and then blinked out of the living room.
Coward.
How should I play this one? Cool? Casual? Should I cry? Tears seemed to work with the mortals so I attempted to muster up an emotional wallop for Zeus, but nothing happened. Damn it, I was even too vain to cry.
“Zeus, darling,” I cooed. When in doubt, go for casual.
“Don’t Zeus darling me, Aphrodite. You’ve exposed our world to mortals. If you were anyone else, I would smite you where you lay.”
Smite? Who said anything about smiting? The first stirrings of real fear roiled within me.
“Smite me?”
I chuckled with what I hoped appeared to be genuine humor. “It’s been ages since you’ve smote anyone.” I tried to sit up as gracefully as I could and smoothed my clothing. Furiously thinking, I tried another tactic. I ruffled my hair and turned my blue eyes up to Zeus.
“Seriously, Zeus. It’s not that big of a deal.” I waved my hand in a casual manner, hoping to dismiss his concern.
“Aphrodite. You’ve committed a grievous error and your attempt to show unconcern is failing you miserably.” Leaning down perilously close, he pushed his face into mine. Inhaling, he bared his teeth at me in a menacing grin. My heart skittered like prey when he reached out an elegant finger and tipped my chin up. I was forced to meet his eyes. Pools of emerald glittered dangerously, and I began to remember the reason Zeus still remained in power after so many millennia. My stomach churned in fear, and I wondered if this was the one battle I wouldn’t be able to escape.
“You know how I know, golden one? I can smell your fear. Sweet. Like sunshine and tears.”
I felt tears swimming to the surface and cursed my weakness. This was not good. I had screwed up over the years but had never faced more punishment than a slight slap on the wrist. Mistakenly assuming I held the favor of Zeus might be the last error I ever made.
I licked my lips nervously. “I–I understand,” I managed to choke out. “It won’t happen again.” And for once I meant it. Zeus had always been patient and had dealt with me much as a doting father would have, rather than how he normally handled others who had made less grievous errors in judgment. But now I could see the promise of punishment swimming in his gaze. It was
something that terrified me more than I wanted to admit.
Zeus smiled easily and released my chin. He stood back up to his imposing height. Gazing down at me still huddled on the couch in fear, he said, “Well, Aphrodite, of course you won’t. I have big plans for you, my dear. Plans that will ensure if you step even one of your dainty little toes out of line, you’ll be banished to Hades and bound again to Hephaestus for the rest of your days.” Reaching toward me, he toyed with one of my curls. “Doesn’t that sound like fun, my sweet?”
No. No, that doesn’t sound like any fun at all, I wanted to scream. Instead I stared at him wide-eyed, not knowing where the conversation was going but that whatever he wanted, it couldn’t possibly be good. When Zeus smiled while he was doling out punishment, you could bet whatever he had in mind was probably much worse than whatever you did to wind up in his bad graces in the first place.
Lucky for me, Zeus was alone. If Hera had been with him, I might as well have curled up in the fetal position and accepted banishment.
“Did someone call my name?” A second voice trilled out in the cramped apartment. I had a sickening moment of realization that every single one of my nightmares had come true. I turned my face away from Zeus and met the cool, blue-eyed gaze of his wife, Hera.
“Hello, Hera,” I stood and bowed gracefully. Whereas I could get away with being casual around Zeus, breaching manners around Hera could land me in a nasty situation very quickly. As it was, I was already sinking into the quagmire of my screw-up and Hera showing up proved that Zeus was enraged; from the impassive look on his handsome face, though, I couldn’t actually tell.
