“Excuse me?” said Barclay, raising his eyebrows.
“Yeah, I can talk to animals. Like Dr. Doolittle.”
“You … have conversations with animals?”
Barclay looked like he couldn’t believe his luck, and I wasn’t sure how this would play out. But I’d told Vince to be himself…
“Yeah. I’m an animal whisperer.”
“Do the dogs tell you their feelings?” Barclay jeered.
“Of course,” Vince scoffed. “It’s not hard to know what they’re feeling when you listen. But if you’re asking me if they help with the crossword, I’m more of a bingo man.”
The audience exploded with laughter, and some of the jurors were chuckling.
Even Barclay had to turn away from the jury to hide a smile.
“Did you know that vigilantes are copying your actions across the whole state, causing damage and mayhem, egged on by you and your inappropriate social media comments?” he pretended to huff as if he was personally affronted.
“They’re my people,” said Vince at the same time I leaped to my feet yelling, “Objection!” and trying to drown out Vince’s comment.
“Overruled,” said Judge Herschel. “I’d like to hear the answer to this question, but be careful, Counselor.”
“Mr. Azzo,” Barclay intoned, “did you know that vigilantes have been copying you?”
“I’ve become aware that other dog lovers are working to save dogs in shelters,” Vince said with a shrug. “No walls for four paws!” he shouted suddenly making me jump, then did his iconic wolf howl, and several people in the audience copied him. “Free Milk-Bones for every dog!”
Judge Herschel banged her gavel several times. “Order! Order! Bailiff, anymore outbursts like that and I’ll clear the public area. And you, Mr. Azzo, are wearing my patience very thin. No more antics!”
“I’ll try, Me Lud, but sometimes I just open me mouth to change feet. Ask Gracie, she’ll tell you.”
This time, I was the one trying not to laugh, but Judge Herschel banged her gavel for silence again. Vince winked at her, and gave me a look so scorching that I thought I’d melt.
“Court will recess one hour for lunch,” the judge said, somewhat wearily, rubbing her forehead.
Vince had probably given her a headache. I used to feel like that.
I sat with Vince, Rick and Cady in a small café near the Supreme Court. We’d had to use a back entrance to avoid Vince’s fans, and I’d insisted that he cover his costume with sweatpants and a shirt, no floppy ears allowed, no matter how cute.
I watched as he munched through a PBJ sandwich.
“Weird combination that you Americans have invented if I’m being honest,” he frowned around a mouthful, “but I’m getting quite a taste for it.”
Cady had ordered half a dozen apple and blueberry blintzes, offering them around, keeping two for herself.
“I’m stressed,” she mumbled between bites. “I eat when I’m stressed.”
“I wish I could,” I sighed, nibbling on a banana that seemed to take forever to eat.
“Don’t matter,” Vince said, polishing off the last bite of sandwich and brushing the crumbs from his Lycra suit while he reached for a fruit blintze, “I’m taking you for a celebratory dinner tonight.” He paused. “Aren’t I?”
“It’s going better today,” I admitted, “but it’s not a done deal. Barclay is no fool, so don’t underestimate him. He’s mauled more than few lawyers in his closing statement.”
Vince stared at me, then leaned forward. “Say that again.”
“About Barclay? I’m just saying that he…”
“No, the other part. It’s given me an idea.”
And then Vince told me his idea and I felt all the blood drain from my body.
“Vince, no!” I whispered, utterly horrified. “Even for you, that’s crazy! It’s dangerous! Cady, Rick, back me up on this!”
“Yeah, completely certifiable,” Cady coughed, brandishing a blintze at Vince. “No way you can do that!”
We all turned to stare at Rick, the quiet man who weighed his words.
“I know it sounds crazy,” Rick said slowly, “but I’ve seen it in action, we all have. It’s unbelievable … it might be just what this case needs.”
I shook my head, hardly able to take in that sensible, reliable Rick was agreeing with Vince.
“Yeah!” yelled Vince. “Let’s do it!”
I shook my head again and dropped it into my hands.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” Vince laughed happily.
“Other than lose the case and you go to jail? I could be disbarred!” I sighed. “Then again, I’ve never liked being a lawyer that much.”
“You’re kidding!” said Cady. “You’ve worked so hard! I thought you planned on making partner any time now?”
“Oh, I did. I have,” I admitted. “They offered me a partnership with a salary increase and percentage of the profits. I turned them down and gave them my two weeks’ notice.”
“What?” Cady gasped. “Why would you do that? When did you do that?”
I shrugged and smiled at Vince. “Two days ago. I’ve decided to become an events planner instead. Someone told me that life’s too short not to enjoy your job, and planning Canine Crusader fashion shows is much more fun than mergers and acquisitions. So, what the hell—I’m going to go with Vince’s crazy idea.”
Vince gave a happy howl and kissed me.
That sealed the deal.
Vince
Grace threw me a scathing look and I glared back at her, then she faced to the judge, her body stiff and hostile. She still turned me on, but I couldn’t help that. It didn’t make me a bad person just because I was fantasizing about her spanking me. Grace, not the judge, although she definitely looked she knew her way around a feather flogger.
“Your Honor, do I have permission to treat Mr. Azzo as a hostile witness?” Grace cracked out, her words like a whip.
“But he’s your client, Ms. Cooper!” Judge Herschel coughed.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“Uh, well, this is rather unusual.”
“He’s an unusual client,” Gracie spat.
Pencil-dick Barclay looked happier than a camel on hump day when he saw that me and Gracie were fighting.
“I wish to call new a witness,” Grace declared coldly.
“Objection! I have no prior notice about anyone who wasn’t on the witness list during discovery,” the tadpole tosser griped.
“Counsel, approach the bench,” Judge Herschel ordered. “Please explain yourself, Ms. Cooper.”
Both lawyers strode up to stand in front of the judge, a mulish expression on Barclay’s face; a furious one on Grace.
“Your Honor, we didn’t know that we’d need this witness, but their appearance can provide testimony critical to the case, although I’m not sure he … well, he might not … um…”
She tried to appear uncertain and hesitant, and Barclay took the bait, looking very pleased with Grace’s apparent lack of confidence in the new witness.
The judge peered over her glasses, her eyes narrowed. Either she had a squint, or she was pissed off.
“Very well, Ms. Cooper. As District Attorney Barclay has no objection, I will rule on this and allow your new witness.”
Grace kept her face blank. “Thank you, your Honor. Defense calls Jabari.”
I punched the air and waited expectantly.
The bailiff looked scared stiff (or probably scared limp) when a giant lion, me old pal Jabari, strolled into the courtroom, shaking his mane and yawning. The jurors gasped and scrambled over each other to get away from him, huddled together and squawking like ducks in a feather factory. The people in the audience made a right racket, yelling and shouting, and even Jabari heard them, despite being mostly deaf. I think he read my lips when I talked to him.
Barclay looked like he was about to wet himself, and even Grace seemed apprehensive despite having seen Jabari at Rick and Cady’s weddin
g. Judge Herschel stared without speaking, her mouth moving but nothing coming out.
“It’s alright,” I said, nodding to Jabari’s keeper, “you’re an old mate, aren’t you, Jabari?”
I knelt down and that ole lion buffeted me with his heavy head, knocking me on my arse, then yawned in my face and lay down next to me with a heavy sigh. I sat up, slinging my arm around his neck and whispering in his ear. That bit was mostly for show, but I knew Jabari liked it because it tickled. He flicked his ear and closed his eyes, smiling blissfully, then rolled onto his back for a belly rub.
“I am the Canine Crusader,” I announced, standing up and facing the jury who were suddenly silent. “I’m an animal whisperer and can talk to animals. That other lawyer,” and I pointed at Barclay, “says I’m a liar and that helping Jabari home after he’d had a night on the town was a publicity stunt. Well, he’s welcome to tell Jabari to go home. Come on, Burk-ly! Come and tell Jabari to clear off. No? The truth is that I was out on me best mate’s stag night, um, bachelor party, when we saw Jabari wandering through Central Park all by himself, right, Rick?” I turned to Rick and he nodded, grinning widely while Cady seemed to have climbed into his lap. “He looked lost, so I decided to take him back to Central Park Zoo where he lives. But when I got there, the gates were locked. I had to climb over the wall to open the gates and let him back in. Saved him from being shot in the backside with a tranquilizer gun. The zoo people were grateful and so was Jabari, weren’t you, mate?”
Then I did my Crocodile Dundee thang, and sent Jabari to sleep. Unfortunately it worked on half the jury, too.
“Remove that animal!” the judge said in a croaky voice. “Get it out of my courtroom! Now!”
I’d said what I needed to say, and the jury had seen me with Jabari—the ones who were still awake—so I didn’t mind that the judge looked like she was about to do a Mount St. Helena.
“Right-o, Judge,” I winked at her.
I prodded Jabari awake and held onto his mane while I walked him back to his keeper, then gave him a kiss, got a lick like being sandpapered in return, and promised to visit him soon. Jabari, not his keeper. Although he seemed like a nice bloke too, but I just shook his hand.
As soon as Jabari had gone, the courtroom erupted.
“Order! Order!” The judge slammed her gavel so hard, the hammer flew out of her hand and bopped Barclay on his conk.
“Nice shot, Judge!” I laughed as Barclay moaned loudly.
It would have been worth being sent to the cells for contempt of court. Unfortunately, it was Gracie who was sent down.
“Um, yeah, maybe not my best idea,” I admitted, as she sat in the stinking concrete box with bars on the door, and one bog that didn’t look it had seen a toilet cleaner since Prince sang 1999.
Oddly, she didn’t seem too mad, and just shrugged as I stood on the other side of the bars. It was nice of the bailiff to let me go and talk to her, and he said it was the most fun he’d ever had in court. It made everything that happened in the courtroom seem a bit more human somehow.
“I knew it was a risk,” said Gracie, taking my hand through the bars and giving me a slow smile. “But it was worth it, if only to see the look on Barclay’s face.”
“Yeah, that’s one ugly mug he’s got,” I said sagely.
Gracie stood up and hugged me as well as she could through the bars, her hair standing on end from the static caused by my Lycra outfit.
“He’s just doing his job.”
That made my hackles rise and I ground my teeth. “He’s a pencil-dick!”
Gracie laughed. “If you say so. You were amazing with that lion, by the way. I didn’t think … well, I’ve never seen anything like it. I mean, I know you did at the wedding, but I’d had all that champagne so I wasn’t sure if I’d imagined half of it. But you really are an animal whisperer! They’ll do anything you say!”
“If I whisper to you, will it work?” I asked hopefully.
“Well,” said Gracie carefully, “I’m not promising I’ll roll on my back with my legs in the air … but then again, I might.”
I groaned at the image and got a full-on chubby that the Lycra couldn’t hide or contain.
Grace’s eyes bulged. “I think we’d better talk about something else,” she said breathlessly.
“Um, yeah, we should,” I said, shifting around uncomfortably, the bars pressed between us. “So what happens next?”
“Cady uses my credit card to pay my fine and we all go back to court to finish the case. Usually, the judge would keep me in overnight to encourage me to think on the error of my ways,” Gracie smirked, “although I’m quite enjoying being the one who’s a bad influence, but I’m sure that Judge Herschel wants to get this case over and done with today. I heard on the grapevine that she’s got a vacation coming up and she doesn’t want this to run over.”
Thirty minutes later, we were back in court, and Gracie had to look sorry.
“I apologize to the court and jury and to you, your Honor,” she said, sounding sincere. “I recognize that I behaved in an improper way. At the time, I believed it was the best way to demonstrate the defendant’s expertise and special bond with animals. I realize that I caused distress, and that was not my intention.”
“No more stunts, Counselor,” Judge Herschel said firmly, “or you will be spending more than an hour in the cells for contempt of court. You may continue. Are you ready for your closing arguments?”
“Yes, your Honor.”
“District Attorney Barclay?”
“Ready, your Honor.”
So this was it—final roll of the dice, and Barclay went first.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have a very clear case in front of you: the law is the law, not the law according to Vincent Azzo. He broke the law. This isn’t a popularity contest.”
“Just as well for you, mate,” I interrupted with a grin, “because you’d lose, you mad muppet.”
The judge pointed a finger at me and I mimed zipping my lips.
But it didn’t count, because I’d crossed my fingers.
“He’s not a hero,” Barclay went on. “He’s an out-of-control vigilante who has shown no remorse for his actions.”
Yeah, well that part was probably true.
“He revels in his role as a rule-breaker.”
Also true.
“He has no respect for the law.”
Eh, that was going a bit far. It depended on which law.
Barclay blathered on, the boring fart, telling the jurors that I was an unsalvageable rebel, which I rather liked. I wondered how that would look on a t-shirt as a new Canine Crusader slogan.
Finally, he sat down with his arms crossed, as pleased as a pig in shit.
Then Gracie faced the jury, looking as serious as she was fookin’ fabulous.
“Laws were created to serve justice; laws were created to serve the people, to protect the weakest and most vulnerable in our society. Vincent Azzo fights for justice for animals; he gives a voice to those who have none. He is loud and flashy and stands out in a crowd; he is also kind and thoughtful and a savior to unwanted, unloved, scrapheap animals in this city, across the whole state and beyond. He did what he thought was right; he fought for justice for dogs who would have been euthanized, dogs who, thanks to him, now have loving homes. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ask yourselves why we are here today: is it to follow the letter of the law, or is it to serve true justice? I ask you now to make the just decision for Vincent Azzo and for the animals he saves.”
My throat burned. Is that how Gracie thought about me? Gracie. My Gracie.
Her eyes met mine and she didn’t look away. I saw love. I saw so much love. And I knew then that there’d never be another woman for me but her. She held my heart.
My Gracie.
She sat down next to me, and up close, I could see the pulse beating rapidly in her neck, the drop of sweat at her temple, the tremor in her hands.
Then the judge spoke.
<
br /> “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, now that you have heard all of the evidence, and the arguments of counsel, it is my duty to give you the instructions of the court concerning the law which governs this case. It is your duty as jurors to follow the law as I state it to you, and to apply that law to the facts as you find them from the evidence presented in court. Regardless of any opinion you may have as to what the law is or ought to be, it would be a violation of your sworn duty to base a verdict upon any view of the law other than that given in the instructions of the court, just as it would also be a violation of your sworn duty, as judges of the facts, to base a verdict upon anything other than the evidence presented during the trial.”
She took a deep breath and stared at the jurors purposefully, and I found my palms growing damp.
“You must consider all of the evidence. This does not mean, however, that you must accept all of the evidence as true or accurate. You are the sole judges of the credibility of each witness. The jury will now retire to consider their verdict.” She banged her gavel and we all stood as she swept out of the courtroom, her face grave.
“Oh, shit,” I said softly. “I’m going to jail.”
“I’ll start working on your appeal tonight,” said Grace, and when I turned to face her, she was wiping a tear from her cheek.
I held her hand, squeezing gently when I really wanted to take her in my arms and stop her looking so sad, but I’d done enough damage in this courtroom, to her, to me, to our future. So I just held her hand, but the words I wanted to say tumbled out regardless.
“Uh, it’s probably not the time, but I just wanted to say something.”
She turned to look at me, her eyes glazed with sadness and tears.
“So, what I wanted to say is this: I love you, Gracie Cooper.”
Her head shot up, shock on her face. Then she smiled through her tears.
“I love you, too.”
Grace
I’d fallen in love with Vincent Azzo, something I never would have believed possible when I first met him, something I found hard to believe even now. But I did. I loved every crazy part of him. I loved his strength and his softness, his humor and his pranks, the voice he gave to those who needed it, his belief that the world was a good place but could be even better. I loved his impulsiveness, his headlong assault on life; I loved his loyalty and his kindness. I loved the world according to Vince.
The World According to Vince - A romantic comedy (Gym or Chocolate Book 2) Page 23
