by Ruby Rowe
She brushes some tears from her cheeks. She was put together, looking beautiful this morning in dress clothes. Her makeup and hair were flawless, but she appears tired now, and I imagine Elliott’s grandmother is exhausted, as well. “You two should go home and rest,” she adds.
“I’m not leaving until I’ve seen him,” I reply.
“OK. I’ll go grab some snacks while you two visit with him. My mother and I will probably leave soon, too. They won’t let us spend the night, anyway.”
After Jake informs someone through an intercom that we’re here to see Elliott, two doors slowly open. The sterile smell is only stronger once we’re inside, and various beeping sounds grow louder the closer we get to the nurse’s station and patient rooms.
We find Elliott’s, and I’m nervous to go inside. As soon as I see him, I come to a stop. Never has he looked so broken and weak. I cover my mouth, and Jake grips my shoulders as we approach Elliott’s bed.
I take a glimpse of his grandma and find she’s reading a book. I guess the shock has worn off for her, but I can’t imagine how it could.
Tubes are Elliott’s lifelines, exiting from his mouth, his chest and the veins in his arms. He has a catheter, as well. There are machines at work, breathing for him and monitoring his condition. Seeing our strong Elliott this vulnerable is heartbreaking.
As I stroke his hand, I kiss his forehead.
“I’m here, and I love you,” I say in his ear. I feel his fingers move against mine, and my heart rate accelerates. He’s being kept sedated while on the ventilator, but he knows I’m here, and that’s a positive sign. I wish I could climb in his bed, hold him close and assure him he’ll get better.
Feeling as if I could lose it any second, I turn into Jake’s chest and hug him. He nestles me closer, and I don’t care if Elliott’s grandmother suspects Jake and I are more than friends. I need him now, and I’m sure he needs me, too.
I don’t want to leave Elliott here alone tonight, but I know I have to go home and rest for the baby. It’s what Elliott would want.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Sailor
Jake and I arrive at the hospital at 7:00 a.m., and I’m happy to see that Elliott’s mom isn’t here yet. We’ll have a little time alone with him.
He looks the same when we enter his room. His artificial support is giving some of his organs a rest, and it’s still a shock to see him like this. I remind myself that Elliott is a strong person. He’s also stubborn. If anyone can survive this, it’s him.
Medical staff begin filing into the room, so Jake and I step away from Elliott’s bed.
“I’m sorry, but the two of you will need to go to the waiting room while we attempt to wean Mr. Roberts off the ventilator,” a female nurse says.
I give Elliott a kiss on the cheek and leave with Jake. Taking seats closest to the ICU doors, we wait anxiously. I fiddle with my anchor necklace, and Jake bounces his knee. Sitting still for any length of time is not an easy feat for him.
“I can’t believe how bad he looks,” Jake says. “He’s pale and thin. His eyes are darker and more sunken in. He’s not in control of any aspect of his life, and I get now why he was so angry.
“He knew what the surgery entailed and the condition he’d be in when we saw him after. You’re right; he’s going to be a bear while he’s recovering, and his behavior will be worse if he has to take chemo on top of it. It’s going to be a rough year.”
“Thankfully, he has the baby to look forward to. He was so happy during the ultrasound.”
“Yeah, I saw it on his face when he told me about it. He was all smiles.”
An hour passes before Dr. Miller exits from the ICU door.
“Good morning. Elliott is off the ventilator. He’s still in and out from the sedation, but he’s breathing on his own. Respiratory will be in often, and if all goes well, Mr. Roberts will be standing by his bed this evening and walking the halls tomorrow.”
“Really? From looking at him, that doesn’t seem possible,” I say.
“You’d be surprised how quickly the human body can bounce back, especially when it’s someone young and strong like Elliott. I have high hopes he’ll make a full recovery. Once we have the biopsy results, we’ll be able to determine the next course of action. You should be able to see him now.”
“Thank you, Dr. Miller,” Jake says.
We ask to enter the ICU again, and with less contraptions on his body, Elliott’s appearance is already better. He’s been straightened up in his bed and seems more comfortable.
I take hold of his hand, and his eyelids flutter.
“He’s going to be OK. I feel it,” I say.
“I agree.” Jake rubs the back of his neck as he stands beside me. “It’s still hard to imagine him out of this bed anytime soon.”
Shifting a leg, Elliott lets out a faint groan.
I rub my thumb over his hand. “Elliott, can you hear us?”
“Nicole,” he mumbles.
Blinking fast, I release his hand. A tidal wave of nausea and lightheadedness consume me in an instant. I cover my stomach the same time Jake clutches my shoulder.
“Sailor, he doesn’t know what he’s saying.”
“You mean he doesn’t realize he shouldn’t be saying what he’s thinking.” Tears flood my eyes at the same force a wave crashes onto shore. I reach behind my neck and remove my anchor necklace. “I guess we know who this should belong to. I have to go.”
I flee the room, needing space and air that doesn’t smell like suffering. I’m angry with myself for being upset with Elliott, and I’m feeling emotions I don’t understand.
Dropping the necklace in my purse, I pace the lobby while ordering an Uber. I look up from my phone when I’m finished and spot Elliott’s mom walking toward me.
“Sailor, is everything OK?”
“Um, yeah. Elliott’s doing great. He’s even off the ventilator.”
“That’s wonderful.” She palms her chest.
“You should go see him. Would you please tell Jake I’m taking an Uber home so I can rest for a while? I’m not feeling so great.”
“Of course. You need a lot of rest while you’re pregnant.” Smiling, Faye pats my arm and strides away. That was the most attention she’s shown me since we came face to face yesterday. Maybe she’s looking forward to the baby, too. It would be nice to have one of our parents excited about it.
I rush out of the hospital, and the cool March weather blankets my skin. As I suck in the fresh air, my mind spins with each cool breath, and my stomach churns.
I’m plagued with guilt for leaving, but Elliott doesn’t need my negative energy. When he wakes up, he shouldn’t have to pretend I’m the woman he wants by his side.
He’s going to break his promise to love me forever. I feel it in my gut, and the unknown of how that will change our futures frightens me.
Will Elliott and I even raise Payton together? I picture us sharing custody and me having to hand my newborn over to him when it’s his turn to be with her.
I can feel the tension between us–the tension between him and Jake. No. That can’t happen. We’re all adults and love each other. Even if Elliott and I don’t stay together, we’ll find a way to be a family.
Jake
I open the front door to the condo and look around. The lights are off, and I’m wondering which bed Sailor found comfort in. When she’s upset with Elliott, she’s usually in mine, and if she feels the need to shut us both out, we find her in the spare bed.
I walk to my room first and find her there, which makes me happy. Taking off my tennis shoes and long-sleeve shirt, I climb in bed behind her and bring her back against me.
“Why are you already home?” she mumbles. “It’s only been a few hours.”
“He slept the whole time, so I figured it would be better if I was there this evening. I thought you might be needing me more right now.”
She twists around in my arms, and I notice her face is pink and puffy.
&nb
sp; “I think he has feelings for Nicole.”
“I think so, too, but he needs the chance to speak for himself. We could be wrong.”
“Did he say something to you about it?”
I avert my gaze faster than a dog who’s been caught pissing on the floor.
“Oh, my gosh, he told you he does.”
“No. He said he was confused about it and unsure.”
Sailor worms herself away from me.
“Why didn’t you tell me before now?”
“Elliott and I are good friends. I won’t betray his trust unless it’s necessary. He said he wasn’t sure if he had feelings for her, so I wasn’t about to stir up a hornets’ nest over nothing.”
“All I heard for months was how much he loved me and how he’d never leave. He said he intended to give me the world. Blah, blah, blah.”
“Elliott does love you, and I think he always will.”
“But he may not be in love with me. Knowing he has feeling for Nicole after he professed his love for me for months made my old self-talk resurface.
“The belief that everyone will eventually leave me was echoing in my mind, but then I came home and got in your bed–our bed. I feel confident that you and I will always love each other.”
“You’re right. You won’t be able to get rid of me.” Smiling, I give her a passionate kiss to reassure her that I meant what I said.
“Will you hold me for a little while? Then, we’ll go back to the hospital and be there for Elliott. I was surprised and hurt earlier by what he said, but regardless of how he feels about Nicole, I’ll always be there for him.”
Elliott
“I want this fucking chest tube out of my side!” I snap. “If it doesn’t happen tomorrow, I’m ripping it out on my own.”
“Dude, I can only imagine how bad it sucks,” Jake replies as he helps me back into bed, “but getting this pissed about it isn’t going to change anything.”
“It’s been three days. They better remove it soon.” Grabbing the oxygen cannula I’m sick of wearing, I growl from the pain and straighten my body in bed.
“Sailor will be here in a minute, and your disposition needs to change beforehand. You’re going to stress her out.” He takes a seat in the reclining chair in my private room.
“I knew the surgery was going to be rough, but I had no idea it would be this bad. I’m in excruciating pain even with the pain medication, and I can’t take a much-needed shit because of them. Every time I try to sleep, someone disrupts me. It’s either respiratory therapy torturing me or a phlebotomist vampire wanting my blood.
“An aide wants me to walk down the hall every five fucking minutes with my ass hanging out of my gown for the world to see, and I don’t know if Dr. Raynard gave the nurses the third degree, but they keep smothering me, and somehow, not a one of them is attractive.”
Jake grins. “You have to be the worst patient this hospital has ever seen, and it’s funny since you know what medical professionals put up with on the job.”
“I wish you could feel my pain. I bet you wouldn’t last five minutes before you’d be crying like an infant.”
“You’re probably right, and I can’t believe you’d wish that on your best friend.”
“Hey, did Sailor let Nicole know how I was doing?”
His smile vanishes, and he shifts in his chair.
“Sailor’s been sending her text messages a couple of times a day.”
“Why do you look like you’d rather get a prostate exam than be sitting in that chair right now?”
“I need to tell you something.”
“What’s that?”
“The first word that left your mouth when you got off the vent was Nicole.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Yeah, and Sailor was holding your hand and talking to you at the time.”
“Shit, that’s bad. I’m surprised she hasn’t said anything or seemed pissed. She has to be hurt.”
“She is hurt, and she’s sure you like Nicole. You two need to talk about it once you feel up to it.”
“No. I asked if Sailor was texting Nicole because if so, I wanted you to stop her. Also, make sure she doesn’t invite her over here again. Out of sight, out of mind.”
“That’s not how love works.”
“Who the fuck said anything about love?”
“Bro, you need to admit it. I saw the way you were looking at Nicole in the waiting room the other day. You told me you may have feelings for her, and she was the first person you were thinking about when you woke up from surgery.”
“I can’t hurt Sailor. My feelings for Nicole have to disappear, and the best chance of that happening is if I don’t talk to her or see her.”
“Is that what you really want?”
I kick at my sheet, only to feel a burning pain in my chest.
“Fuck. Can we talk about something else please? Even better, let’s not talk at all. Find me a damn sports channel.”
“I’ll warn you now that Sailor’s going to insist that you figure out your feelings for Nicole.”
“I’ll tell her I don’t have any.”
“That’s a lie.”
“Listen to me clearly because I’m only going to say this once. The only way Sailor’s heart’s getting broken by me again is if I die. I wasn’t there for her the first time she had my baby. Am I supposed to tell her the second time that I think I’m in love with another woman? Hell, no. I refuse to let her down again, so keep Nicole away from this hospital and away from the condo once I’m home.”
Jake holds his hands up. “Fine. I’ll let it go.”
“Thank you.” Once he turns on the television, I try to focus on the basketball game playing. Maybe I’ll get five minutes to myself before someone comes in to torture me again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Sailor
“Hi,” I say to Elliott and Jake after entering the hospital room.
“Hi,” they both reply. I give Elliott a kiss, and he grasps my hand and holds it on the bed, which is endearing.
“How are you feeling?”
“I advise you not to ask him that today,” Jake interjects.
“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“Be here, and take my mind off the pain I’m in.”
“Have you eaten lunch?” Jake asks me.
“Yep.”
“Take my seat.” He stands and stretches. “I’m going to the cafeteria. I’m hungry, and Elliott refuses to share his Jell-O cup.”
Elliott shakes his head. “One day, you’re going to be sick with something, and I’ll pay you back for all the wisecracks.”
“Lighten up. You need some humor in your day.”
“Fine, then bring me another Jell-O from the cafeteria.”
“What’s your favorite color? Red or green?”
“Douche. Bag.”
Jake chuckles before he leaves us alone.
“You must be feeling a touch better than yesterday.”
“Yeah, I guess, but this damn chest tube needs to go.”
“It will.”
He stares up at me, his eyes sad today.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“For what?”
“Jake told me what I said when I woke up after surgery. I want you to know it didn’t mean anything. I don’t even remember the first day.”
“I don’t think we should talk about it while you’re in the hospital and on so much pain medication.”
“There’s nothing to talk about other than me apologizing.”
“I disagree, but we don’t need to discuss it today.”
“Yeah, we do if you’re worrying about Nicole.”
I huff out a breath and snatch my hand away.
“Elliott, you still like her, and denying it won’t help either of us. You’re also highly medicated, so this conversation can wait.”
He grabs my hand again, pulling it back on the bed.
“I love you, and I’m committed to our re
lationship. We’re having a baby, and I’m going to be there for you … so please don’t mention her again.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? Are you worried I don’t love you?”
“I know you love me, but I think you may love her, too, and I’m in no position to tell you to ignore it when you’re sharing me with Jake.”
Looking the opposite direction, he stares out the window.
“I can’t go there, Sailor. Don’t make me. I feel enough guilt already.”
“I didn’t plan on us having this conversation for weeks, or even months, but after that statement, it’s a little late.” I turn his head toward me. My eyes water, and I don’t want him to see my hurt, so I blink away the tears.
He does care about Nicole, and he’s only refusing to acknowledge it because he believes he’s indebted to me. The revelation hurts worse than I thought it would.
“I don’t want you to ever feel like you settled for this triad only to please me. I forgave you for the past. You don’t owe me anything other than honesty. Do you have feelings for her?”
“Dammit, Sailor.” Pissed that I’m pressing the issue, he moves away from me, growling from the physical pain it inflicts. “I do, but I don’t know how deep they run or if anything would ever come of them. What I do know is I love you.”
“I want you to spend time with her while you’re recovering. You weren’t selfish when I couldn’t decide between you and Jake. You agreed to let me see him while I sorted out my feelings. I’m giving you permission to do the same.”
“It feels wrong and selfish.”
“Then I’ve been wrong and selfish for months. You, me, Jake and Nicole … we all need to know before Payton arrives. If you decide to be with her, it will alter our futures greatly.”
“That’s exactly why I want to leave this buried.”
“No, you only think you should because of the past and our baby. Since we’re together and I’m pregnant, some people would feel you made this bed, so now you need to lie in it. But I know that regardless of what happens with Nicole, you’ll always support me and our baby. That’s why I can live with you taking time to figure this out.”
