by Alex Grayson
Agony.
He tried to conceal it, but it was there, threaded through his words and his tone. And for me, it scored itself onto my heart. Next to all the other marks from leaving him in the first place.
“Law, I-ˮ
He cut me off to lean in and spit, “Lawrence.”
“L-Lawrence.” The tremble in my voice was audible. His name felt strange on my tongue. I hadn’t spoken it aloud in a decade and a half. “I’m sorry for what I did. But, I really have to go.”
As I pushed through the door I longed for him to chase after me, as stupid as that was. But he just stood there, the love of my past, glaring at me like he wished I was dead.
I felt dead.
So much so, even the rain slapping against my scalp when I forgot to open my umbrella did nothing to pull me out of my trance. I was halfway down the next block when I realized I was soaking wet and finally opened the stupid thing.
“Hey, where’s my coffee?” Kiersten asked, as I trudged soddenly into the office building where the meeting was scheduled.
I lifted my empty hands to my face, staring unseeingly past their wrinkled texture, and dropped them limply at my sides.
“Oh, shit, what happened?”
I opened my mouth, then cleared my throat before I could get the words to squeeze passed. Even then, they sounded hoarse. “I need you to drive me home. I’d walk, but I’m really cold. I can’t go to this meeting.”
Kiersten tilted her head, concerned. “I don’t think you should miss it. They might not give you a second chance to present the info again, and I know how hard you’ve worked on this.”
“They’ll eat me alive!” I screeched, and Kiersten took a step back. “Not like this, I can’t. I don’t have a chance,” I mumbled, the words not making sense. “You’re the only person I have that can take me home. If you won’t do it, I’ll walk, but it’s still pouring.” I rubbed a wet hand across my forehead as more tears clogged my throat. “I’d like to have some time alone because come four o’clock, my girl will be coming home from school, and I can’t let her see her momma like this.”
Kiersten gathered her coat and nabbed her keys from her top drawer. “Okay.” She pressed her keys into my palm and curled my fingers around them. “Go start the car, and I’ll call Mr. Ross to tell him you’re sick. You owe me. This means I have to miss my lunch break.”
My voice trembled when I replied, “Thank you.”
A fogginess settled over me as the strong emotions waned, and I walked in a daze to the parking lot, unlocked the car, and started it. Hot air blasted me, but I couldn’t feel anything. My mind was as blank as it was overwhelmingly full. I was just numb.
Thankfully, Kiersten kept her questions to herself on the ride back to my house. I thanked her for the ride and walked myself inside. After a long hot shower, I finally started to thaw, and that’s when the tears fell.
Loads of them.
I didn’t allow myself to break down when I left home all those years ago. There wasn’t any room to feel sorry for myself when the decision had been mine all along. Money may have been an incentive, but nobody forced me to go. I just didn’t know how to face Law with the magnitude of my mistakes. When he found out the truth, I was going to lose him either way, and that solidified my decision. In the end, I wanted it to be me walking away. Even if that made me a coward.
Seeing him again brought all those feelings rushing back to the surface. I made a game plan. I had six hours.
For the first time in fourteen years, I let myself cry for all that I’d lost. To remember the boy I’d loved.
And after I did that, I’d pull myself from my bed, clean myself up, and greet my baby girl when she got off the bus from school.
Because losing Law might have been a consequence of the greatest mistake of my life, but I could never bring myself to regret my daughter.
Seventeen years earlier…
“Hey! Wait up!”
I raced my bike through the cloud of dirt Law’s tires kicked up, attempting to catch him. Tall weeds and rogue tree branches whipped against my bare legs. Rain began to fall from the dark gray sky, and even though I was chilly and damp, a smile graced my face.
I laughed heartily while making my legs burn and following my best friend.
“You’ll have to catch up,” he shouted back before racing off again.
Pedaling uphill was hard enough, but the once-hard packed earth was quickly turning to mud beneath my tires. Not to mention we weren’t even on a real biking trail. The trail Law had chosen was in the middle of the forest. Powerlines ran overhead like trail markers, delineating the space that was usually overrun by four wheelers or snowmobiles, depending on the time of year.
This wasn’t the first time we’d been down this path, but it was always Law’s idea, and I was always stuck lagging behind.
I didn’t mind. I’d take just about anything to spend time with Law. Besides, the trail end was close. The buzz of the busy highway replaced the sound of insects, so I knew I was almost there.
“Wait for me!” I wheezed, sucking in giant gulps of air. Standing on the pedals, I leaned forward and gave myself one final push. I was going to make it. Getting off and walking wasn’t an option unless I wanted to be teased for the rest of the summer.
Just as the bike picked up speed, the trail opened. Law stood off next to his bike, grinning at me like a jerk because he was faster and stronger, like always, and he couldn’t wait to rub it in.
“Thought you’d never get here,” he taunted, resting back against his bike and crossing his arms over his chest.
“Yeah well you–" The words floated away on the wind when a giant rock suddenly appeared from a patch of mud. The front tire hit it dead on. The bike flipped, sending me soaring over the handlebars. Law’s shout mixed with my scream, but I couldn’t make out the words. The sound of the highway and the wind roaring past my ears clouded everything else.
I rolled and tumbled down a slight incline. Every couple of turns I could see the dark gray sky above me before it was replaced by the brown and green earth. My body stopped moving on its own when inertia finally gave me up, leaving me disoriented.
Law slid down on his hip. I couldn’t see him, but I heard the friction of his jacket on the grass and felt him stop next to me. “Cami! Are you okay?”
“You put that rock there, didn’t you?” I gasped out of breath.
His laugh was deep and full of relief. He was scared for me. “Sorry. I thought it’d stop you from passing me. Here, let me help you up.”
His cool, damp palm slid against mine, and the other arm circled my back. With a strength most fourteen-year-old boys couldn’t possess, he pulled me into a sitting position. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I shrugged. Now that the world stopped spinning, I was a little embarrassed. “Yeah. My hands sting, but nothing is broken. Tell your mom thanks, again, for buying me this helmet. Without it, I would have been toast.”
“More like a vegetable.”
I gave him my best scowl. “That’s not even a funny joke.”
He had it in him to look sheepish. “I know. I’ll tell her, even though you’ve already told her about fifty times.”
My fingers sifted through the damp grass, finding a handful and pulling it. “Well if my own mom took care of me, yours wouldn’t have to.”
“Cami, stop. Don’t go down this road again.”
A cool breeze aided me in taking a cleansing breath. Instead of replying, I smiled at him. “Will you help me up? We should get back before the rain picks up.”
Law stared at me for a minute, his eyes studying my face. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue the conversation or hang out a little longer. It could’ve been anything with him.
“Yeah, sure,” he replied, abruptly jumping to his feet and holding out his hand for mine again.
Our fingers wrapped around one another’s, and he yanked me to my feet. I started to pull away, but he used our connection to tug me into
his warm torso.
Into him.
The comfort was there. The warmth. The hug brought me the usual serenity it did when he’d decide girls didn’t have cooties and wanted to touch me. But, this time it also felt different. Law buried his nose in the hair at the side of my neck, and it was then I felt him trembling.
“Law?”
So slowly it seemed like minutes drifted by, he pulled his head from my neck. “I’d like to kiss you.”
All the breath I’d ever breathed was sucked out of my lungs with his words. “What?”
Law was playful. He was teasing and funny and wild. It was rare that I saw him without a grin on his face. But, in that moment, he looked so serious. He looked older, too. “You’re my best friend, Cami. And even though I don’t like you like that, I still want my first one to be with you.”
Scratch that. He was the same wise guy he always was.
I shoved at his shoulders until he let me go. My stomach ached in the center, the feeling reminding me of that time I fell out of a tree and all the air was knocked out of my lungs. It burned, and the longer I stood there, the worse the ache got.
“Unlike you, I’d very much like the person kissing me to like me like that.” I stomped over to my bike and kept going. “Anyways, you’re too late. I’ve already kissed someone, and he sure wasn’t you.”
“Cami!”
“Leave me alone, Lawrence Briggs.” Victory scored inside me at that direct hit. I knew more than anyone how much he hated his full name.
I dipped and reached for my handlebars that had twisted around during my fall. Before I could pick my bike up off the ground, though, Law’s fingers wrapped around my bicep, and he turned me into his arms.
“You’re lying.” His grin was fake. I scored another hit with my lie. He cared that I kissed someone else before him.
I shrugged. “Guess you’ll never know. Let me go. I need to get home.”
Law’s face turned indecisive. His eyes traced their way from my forehead to my chin and back again, and I froze under his stare. He pulled me closer and lowered his head an inch so our lips were closer.
“I do like you, okay? And I guess I’ll have to settle for second.”
That’s all he said before he tentatively pressed his mouth to mine.
Every good feeling I’d ever felt in my life compiled into a spinning vortex that I felt all the way to my toes. Without thinking, I gripped his biceps and Law wrapped his arms around my back. My eyes drifted closed while I reveled in the feeling of his soft lips pressed lightly against mine.
The rest of it came naturally. I’m not sure who opened their mouth first, but our tongues met somewhere in the middle. The tips gently stroked and prodded until he pushed them both into my mouth. He tasted good—warm and sweet—and I wanted him to never stop. My hands drifted upwards, clutching his shoulders and holding on while we explored.
The earth halted that day and started spinning on a new axis. I stood on that grassy hill, while busy cars carrying our neighbors flew passed us under a cloudy sky, and all I could think about was how I didn’t want to kiss anyone else for the rest of my life.
Call it puberty or teenage hormones, but that was the day I fell in love with Law.
He pulled away softly, a quiet wow slipping from his deep pink lips. “You lied. If that wasn’t your first kiss, your face wouldn’t look like that.”
I choked on my breath. “What? Look like what?”
“All dreamy. Like you love me.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I think you do.” He smiled. “That’s okay, because I love you, too.”
Words failed me. Law had rendered me speechless. So, I did the only thing I could do; I pulled away. “I have to go home.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
I tried not to run. I tried to look calm as I moved back to my bike, but inside I was a tornado of feelings. “Yeah, see ya,” I muttered back and mounted my bike. I started pedaling away when he called to me.
“Hey Cami!”
I put my feet to the grass to steady the bike, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. If I did, I might’ve tried kissing him again.
“You might want to lie about it, but I’m really glad you were my first.”
My stomach flipped, and my heart beat wildly in my chest. “Me, too,” I whispered, too quietly for him to hear.
I dropped my bike in our small front yard and ran up the gravel driveway to the ramp leading to our house. Rocks skittered beneath my shoes, and I almost slipped twice. When I hit the ramp, I slowed to a walk. It was weathered from the rain and snow, a little crooked, and wobbled if there was too much weight on the left, but Ritchie built it by himself. I was proud of him for doing something that dad would have done.
I bypassed the kitchen, moving into the hall so I could change out of my damp and dirty clothes, when she yelled at me. “Stop!”
I sighed. A million excuses raced through my mind, reasons why I shouldn’t—couldn’t—listen. Reaching out a finger, I traced the peeling yellow wallpaper in front of my face. The daisies depicted there were beginning to look like black-eyed susans. Wanting to ignore her but knowing I couldn’t, I stuck my head into the living room. “Yeah?”
“Where you been?” She asked the television more than me, since she didn’t even look my way. She might’ve been a paraplegic, but her neck still worked just fine.
“I was riding my bike.”
“It’s raining.”
“It wasn’t when I left. Only caught me on the way back.”
She maneuvered her chair to face me. Her wrinkled, blue eyes narrowed and her forehead lined. “What’s with the stupid grin? Are you on drugs?”
At her words, I realized I’d been smiling like I had the whole ride home. My face burned with embarrassment and more than a little dislike for my mother. It wasn’t her, exactly, more her ability to point out anybody’s happiness as if it was a bad thing.
“No, I’m not on drugs. I was out with…a boy.”
Her eyes narrowed further. “I don’t like you going out with boys and coming home looking like that.”
I rolled my eyes and moved back into the hall. The conversation took a turn there’d be no coming back from without a fight. “You don’t much like me anyway, so I don’t see the problem.”
“What’d you say?”
“I said I’m going to get changed!” Before I reached my room, however, I was stopped once more.
“What’re you two yelling about?”
I smiled genuinely at my brother. “Hey, Witchy Ritchie. Nothing. Mom’s just being her usual, happy self.”
He sighed and leaned against the door to the linen closet. “Give her a break, Cam.”
“Yeah, I know. Save the lecture.”
“Really, though, what was that about? Mom thinks you’re on drugs?”
I pushed into my bedroom, tired of standing around in wet clothes. My brother didn’t take the hint I wanted to be alone and followed me in.
“Who cares what she thinks? I’m not. I came home happy. Since she can’t stand to see that, the accusations started.”
Now Ritchie’s eyes narrowed as he studied me. “Why did you come home so happy?”
My mouth snapped shut, and I spun away from him. I busied myself by gathering clean, dry clothes to put on from my dresser. “No reason. Can’t I just be happy?”
“Yeah, you can. Happiness looks good on you.”
The sad note of his tone had me turning around again. I clutched my pile of clothes to my chest. I forgot my clothes were wet, and therefore got my clean clothes wet, as I tilted my head to the left and took in my older brother. “Speaking of, are you okay? You don’t look so good.”
“I’m fine. Just tired.” He waved me off with a swish of his hand.
Tired wasn’t the half of it. He had deep purple rings around his eyes, but we usually did, as our mom spent half the night awake and yelling through her nightmares of the accident that stole our dad and
her ability to walk at the same time. But the paleness of his skin was new. He looked ill and it concerned me.
“Why don’t you go take a nap? I’m here now. I’ll just get changed and make mom some lunch.”
Ritchie walked towards me, wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and kissed the side of my head. “Thanks. I think I’ll do that.”
Then he left.
After I got changed, I did what I said I’d do. I also called our pediatrician and made an appointment for him for the next day. He didn’t look good, and I knew he wouldn’t do it himself. He’d have done the same for me.
And after that, I looked after mom.
Available on Amazon and free for Kindle Unlimited members…
At the Risk of Forgetting
Introduction
Turn the page for the first chapter of Endless Obsession by Alex Grayson…
I’ve silently watched her for a year, staying hidden in the shadows, biding my time.
She may know me as two different men, but she doesn’t have a clue what I’ve done.
She unknowingly became mine the moment my eyes touched her beauty.
But I’ve done things… things she may not be able to forgive.
I know all her secrets, her habits, her preferred coffee, what she does in her spare time, her favorite lingerie brand, and that she sleeps naked.
At night, I watch her from her window. During the day, I watch her from my computer. She innocently bares her heart and body to me, and I soak up every fucking second of it.
I’ve stayed away, but I’m tired of watching her from afar. It’s time Poppy finds out just who I am and what I’m willing to do to take what’s mine. She may hate me when she finds out the lengths I’ve gone to with the things I’ve done, but she has no choice but to accept it. She will be my wife. She will mother my children. I will claim every part of her heart, body, and soul. Anything else is unacceptable.
Poppy Lexington has become my endless obsession. I will become her uncontrollable addiction.
