I scrunched my nose at that, but Ash didn’t elaborate, so I didn’t press him. Doing so would open a door I wasn’t sure I could close again, one that would lead him to think it was okay to ask me about aspects of my life I wasn’t ready to reveal—not now, and maybe not ever. “You’re not exactly giving them a sterling seal of approval,” I noted.
“You’re asking me to talk up the guys who constantly annoy the shit out of me,” Ash replied, his eyes flashing over the rim of his glass. “Ain’t gonna happen. But if it soothes that pretty mind of yours, they’re decent dudes. Just… make sure your sisters don’t fall for their every trick. They seem so innocent. It worries me.”
I narrowed my eyes at his backhanded compliment—my “pretty” mind?—but nostalgia crept in, steadily overwhelming me. I gazed at my sisters, a soft smile replacing my frown. “I used to be, too. All of us were, once upon a time.”
Ash snorted. I thought he was going to choke on his whiskey. “You were innocent? What the hell happened to you, Miller?”
I wanted to smack him. But the way he used my surname like that… it was… strangely endearing. Cute, even. There was a camaraderie to it, a closeness I hadn’t expected. I ducked my head and shrugged. “Everyone grows up.”
It wasn’t a great explanation, or even an explanation at all. But I wasn’t ready to trust Ash with that information. It’d have to do.
Though he looked for a moment like he might protest, Ash chose to let it go. We lapsed into silence for a time, both of us just watching the dynamics between our siblings. Beth looked so excited to be talking with Wyatt. Her pretty face was lit up like the Fourth of July. She even followed him, without hesitation, to a table at the far end of the bar so that they could talk more privately.
Sarah, on the other hand, was red as a beet. But she was smiling, and I could tell she was slowly warming up to Reid. Despite her best attempts to remain wary, I could see a glint of intrigue in her eyes.
“I think it’s going well,” Ash said. Before I could stop him, he swept his thumb over my knuckles. I looked down to see he’d covered my hand with his.
The second our skin met, my heart leapt and my stomach dropped. Static currents wriggled across my skin, and to my chagrin, the dampness between my legs returned with a vengeance.
I cast a sideways glance at him. When he felt my stare, he looked up and smirked. Gingerly, I maneuvered my fingers out from under his hand but left them to lightly graze his. An almost childish thrill ensued, bringing some color to my cheeks.
Dammit, Hannah. You’re gonna blow your cover.
As Ash moved to twine our fingers again, I withdrew, standing up from the table and grabbing a rag and a glass from the bar so he wouldn’t see me tremble. “Chill out,” I muttered. “They’ll see…”
“They’re not even paying attention to us,” Ash started, but I had already tuned into Sarah’s conversation with Reid, and to keep Ash from tempting me into another public display I moved back behind the bar and busied myself under the pretense of fetching him another drink.
“You’re so easily impressed,” Reid was saying to her, his words partially slurred by the beer bottle he was tipping back. “I feel like I could take you anywhere—shit, Walmart, even—and your mind would be blown.”
Sarah frowned at him. “I’ve been to Walmart. Where do you think we get our toilet paper from?”
Reid laughed. “I didn’t know you had toilet paper,” he said, shaking his head. “Damn. Guess everybody’s been to Walmart. Well, that just means I’ll have to take you someplace else. Someplace a little nicer.”
I rolled my eyes as I slid Ash his drink. “Don’t set the bar too high there, Reid,” I muttered. When Sarah looked at me, her pretty red brows knitted in confusion, I told her, “Anywhere’s nicer than Walmart.”
She nodded, then turned back to Reid. “You… actually want to take me somewhere?” The idea seemed to have given her pause. “Like… just the two of us?” She looked at me, as if hoping for my approval, or otherwise that I would deny her the opportunity. I wasn’t sure which. “I don’t think…”
But this was exactly what I wanted for her. Exactly what I needed to happen so that Sarah would see how wonderful life could be outside of all the restrictions our community had placed on us. I knew it was her instinct to bury her head in the sand, but she couldn’t go through life like that. I wouldn’t let her. She had to understand she had options.
Yes! I mouthed at her, waving my hand in a gesture of encouragement. Tell him yes!
Despite this, Sarah still looked so unsure. It was all I could do not to slam my head into the bar in frustration. “I don’t think I’d be comfortable in a place like this,” she said, wringing her hands. “Someplace so… city. So, if you were going to take me somewhere, I’d like it to be less… urban.”
I watched as Reid sat up straighter, looking thoughtful. I don’t think he expected her to agree, as tentative as that agreement was. He wore the whole “pensive” look well, and I turned over my shoulder to look at Ash, who I could sense hadn’t taken his eyes off me. When I glanced his way, however, he avoided my gaze. I shook my head. Typical.
“I think I know just the place, actually,” Reid was saying. “There’s a county fair being set up out in the country—shit, probably not far from where your community sits. It’s got a lot of stuff I bet you’re familiar with. Hay rides, a petting zoo, shit like that. How’s that for comfortable?”
I gauged the look on Sarah’s face. Still so much hesitance. Someone was going to have to step in and make the decision for her. I could see now that she’d never do it on her own.
“Hey,” I said, “that’s a great idea! You’ll love it, Sarah. Those petting zoos are all full of baby animals. You get to feed them and cuddle them and stuff.”
“I used to do that back on the farm,” she muttered, unconvinced. “Besides, that sounds like something Beth would prefer, anyway.”
“Then we’ll make it a triple-date,” Ash chimed in—finally. I shot him a glare that said where the hell were you five minutes ago? He took it in stride, adding, “All your sisters will be there, and I’m sure we’ll all find something we want to do.”
“Yeah,” Reid continued in what I was sure was his best sexy voice. It wasn’t half-bad, but I preferred Ash’s. “I’m sure we will.”
“Then it’s settled,” I said quickly, waving at Ash to go tell Sarah and Wyatt at the other end of the bar. “We’ll go tomorrow.” Sarah eyed me uncertainly and I lowered my voice, offering her my warmest smile. “Seriously, Sarah, this is going to be great. You’ll love it. I promise.”
I felt a little bad, not giving her the whole truth. But something the world doesn’t teach you—especially when you’re Amish—is that the key to honesty is timing. If you’re too closed off to the idea of change, nothing is going to change your mind. If I had any hope of changing Sarah’s, she’d have to be more open. Less inhibited. She’d have to see that the English world wasn’t as bad as we’d been taught. In fact, some aspects were downright amazing.
My surety must have calmed her, because after a fashion, Sarah looked at Reid and smiled a little. “Okay, then,” she told him. “It’s a date.”
I left Sarah and Reid to go to Beth, but I caught Ash frowning along the way. I stopped. “What’s with the face?” I asked him.
“Déjà vu,” he said, and when I cocked my head, he smiled and shrugged. “Sorry. I feel like I was talking to someone about this carnival the other day. I just can’t remember who.”
“Wouldn’t have happened to have been a carnie, would it?” I asked him, leaning across the bar so he could see down the plunging neckline of my shirt. The girls were occupied with his brothers, busy making plans for the following evening—I could allow myself a little teasing. “Someone who might know the best place to duck into for a quick fuck?”
Ash’s grin was a slow burn. The end result was completely worth it. He drew closer to me in an inconspicuous way, leaning down to whisper in my ea
r, “Don’t worry about that, love. If there is one, trust me when I say we’ll find it.”
I bit my lip to contain my smile. Everything was going so well, and there was no doubt in my mind that I’d soon see my plans for Sarah and Beth work out.
Looking back on it now, I should have knocked on wood. I should have realized that my hubris was tempting the gods.
4
Ash
I absolutely hated the Bright Falls Beasts. I hated my memories of them. I hated everything they stood for. I hated what associating with them had done to my family and my brothers—especially Wyatt. I hated that I felt like no matter what good I did in my life, I would always be living under the shadow of that damn MC.
But there was one thing, one remnant from my past, that managed to bring a smile to my face, and that was Dad’s old bike—the very thing I should’ve hated the most.
It should’ve stood as a symbol for all the shit he’d put me through. It should’ve triggered revulsion in me, should’ve reminded me of every bad thing I’d ever done and every bad thing that’d been done to me. When I’d first inherited it, that was exactly what I’d expected it to do. Sometimes, I still felt like if I was a better person, I’d feel differently.
Instead, what that bike meant to me was freedom. It meant power and speed. Control. It had quickly become a status symbol for me in much the same way it did for any man. I’d lured in plenty of pussy with that thing, that’s for sure.
And on more than one occasion, I’d considered giving it up for Wyatt’s sake. I’d even gone as far as to put it up on Craigslist at one point. I saw the envy in his eyes when he looked at the hog, the wistful tone he took whenever it came up in conversation. I knew the sight of it offended him. I knew he wanted it for his own.
It seemed he regarded those early years of his life through rose-tinted glasses. I had to break him of it somehow. But in the end, I couldn’t give up the bike. It had become too precious to me, too much a tool of my escape from the confines of the life my past had forced upon me. I had no quarter among innocents or criminals. In a myriad of ways, I had betrayed them both. The bike was as much a condemnation of my character as it was a respite from it.
Because if you move fast enough, if you run far enough… if you don’t stick around… maybe you can outpace your demons. Reinvent yourself. Leave behind your sins.
Who doesn’t want to be brand new? Who among us doesn’t want a clean slate?
That was one of the advantages of being the guy who never stands still or gets attached. The guy who never falls in love. There are no repercussions. No expectations. You set the bar low, and that ensures you don’t leave a string of broken hearts in your wake. Just smiles.
And then, if you collect enough of them… maybe someday, you get forgiven. The good outweighs the bad. Your ledger no longer weeps in shades of crimson. The scales balance, and then—and only then—you can start thinking about the future.
For now, all I had was the past and the present. I couldn’t afford to get rid of the one thing that helped me forget about the things I’d done, to put aside those memories that trailed at my heels. The ones that gnashed their jaws and clacked their claws at the foot of my bed on the rare occasion I occupied it alone. Those memories had teeth.
And they were hungry.
I was gunning it down the highway, letting the asphalt beneath me pass by in a smooth, black and yellow blur on my way to pick up Hannah for our “date.” I had to admit Reid’s suggestion was pretty brilliant—the fairgrounds were just far enough out of the city proper that the girls wouldn’t feel the pressure of modern life too fiercely, and they were full of opportunities for him and Wyatt to edge a little closer to their prospective targets.
I hated thinking about the Miller girls that way, but that’s exactly what I’d made them out to be—I’d told my brothers this was all about getting up their skirts instead of providing protection for two innocents. It left a sour taste in my mouth, the idea that Reid and Wyatt might not have agreed to the arrangement any other way. And also the idea that Hannah had instinctively believed that if she didn’t offer herself up, I wouldn’t have agreed either.
I didn’t doubt for a second that Hannah actually wanted me. I didn’t doubt, either, that she’d thoroughly enjoyed herself. But I did wonder if, had things been different—would she have chosen that moment to give herself to me? Would she have actually chosen the bathroom at Trick Shots, where we would never have had more than a few minutes to do what I’d been wanting to do for months? Would she have let the climax of our ravenous dance, our passion play, be so… so…
I could not, for the life of me, think of the word that encompassed how I felt about fucking Hannah on a bathroom sink while my brothers waited outside, maybe only a couple dozen feet away, completely unaware I was gagging the bartender with her own panties. Had it been good? You’re goddamn right it had. Was it hotter than hell, making her thrash and moan and come hard enough to put a crack in the sink? If there was anything hotter than that, I sure didn’t know about it.
Was it everything I had hoped and prayed it would be?
Well…
Shit, what man in their right mind would think back on what Hannah and I did and come up with a word like disappointing? An asshole. An utterly crazy asshole. That’s who.
But there it was, deep in the pit of my stomach, piled under all the other warmer, more delicious adjectives I could come up with to describe Hannah’s performance—and certain parts of her body, as well. A lack of fulfillment. A sense that what we’d done and how we’d done it should have been somehow… more.
I didn’t like that feeling. It made me uncomfortable. It seemed a dangerous sensation to have, even more dangerous to entertain. And the only danger I wanted today was the kind that came from hopping on the back of a sweet-ass bike. It was sort of a package deal.
Up ahead, Reid’s ’69 Shelby was coming into view. God, that thing stuck out like a sore thumb, but that was the point. The Shelby was Reid’s pride and joy, maybe the one thing in all the world he cared about more than himself. On childish impulse, I pulled up close to his back bumper and whipped my bike alongside him in the left lane, speeding ahead. Reid revved the Shelby’s engine in reply, a roar that vibrated in my chest as he drifted just a little too close to my back wheel. I pushed the bike harder, coming out ahead of him, and flipped him the bird.
Dick.
And then, for good measure, I switched into his lane. Let him have a real good look at my ass the rest of the way to Hannah’s apartment. Since he was so dead-set on acting like one, I figured I’d give him some inspiration.
I parked in one of the spaces in front of Hannah’s unit and Reid pulled up a moment later. I grinned as I took off my helmet. Coming in second was not his style, and even though I hadn’t meant for the drive over to turn into a competition, there was no way he hadn’t decided to make it one. I was trying to fix my hair when he snarled through his half-open window, “You actually think that’s gonna make it better? You can’t fix ugly, Ash.”
I chuckled. “Don’t be mad just ‘cause your date doesn’t like you.” Not my best work, but it made Reid’s face bunch up all the same, and that was the goal. I added, “I was watching you two at the bar. Shit, you might as well have been pulling teeth. Dunno how well this night’s gonna go for you.”
“A hell of a lot better than yours,” Reid shot back as he killed the Shelby’s engine, rolled up his window, and opened his door with a huff. “Hannah didn’t look too thrilled with you, either. Like she’d rather be serving anyone else a drink but you. How many times did she actually look at you last night—three? Four?”
It was all I could do not to roll my eyes at him—the temptation to rub last night’s bathroom conquest in his face was real. God, if he only knew…
“Hurtful, Reid,” I said instead, splaying my hand across my chest and putting on my best faux-wounded face. “So hurtful. And here I was, just trying to look out for you. Coming at you from a place
of concern.”
Reid snorted. “You’re full of shit.” But he laughed; at least he wasn’t taking shit too personally today. He must’ve had his head in the game.
Good. That was exactly where I wanted it. I wanted him to be preoccupied with Sarah at all times. It both delighted and disappointed me that my plan was working so well.
“I dunno what you two are so worried about,” Wyatt said, ripping me from my thoughts. When the hell had he arrived? I should’ve heard his shitty truck coming from miles away, but my spat with Reid had taken center stage. Little shit. Someone really ought to put a bell around his neck.
With a smug lift of his brows, Wyatt added, “Beth likes me just fine.”
But before he could make it to the stoop, Reid grabbed him by the back of his hoodie and yanked, just once, but hard. Wyatt made an indignant little sound as he stumbled back, allowing Reid and I to push past him toward the door. I wouldn’t have fanned the flame of our little brother’s temper—not when we were about to see the girls—but Reid wasn’t above playing dirty, as long as he won.
Damn. Maybe this was all working out a little too well.
Reid, with his more agile build, was trying to edge past me to knock first. My shoulders were my saving grace there—broad and muscular; women loved those things—and I blocked his way and took the honor for myself, throwing Reid a triumphant wink. He rolled his eyes.
“Whatever,” he muttered, but the scowl on his face was priceless as he began to preen for what I assumed was Sarah’s sake.
The Brody Bunch Collection: Bad Boy Romance Page 21
