by Ann Aguirre
Jael had no idea how long he’d been out, but opening his eyes meant he had eyelids again. That was positive progress because he remembered clearly the mute horror of seeing Silence slice them off. He shuddered, realized he was naked . . . and clean.
He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t speak clearly. His words were a jumble of consonants and vowels, primate noises, not human speech. But it made the woman asleep on the floor beside the bunk jolt upright. Dred had dark circles beneath her eyes, and she smelled like she’d only washed him, not herself.
She had never looked more beautiful.
“Your tongue’s still half missing,” she said. “It’ll be a while.”
How long? He mouthed.
At least I came back clear-headed. Looks like I processed the drug too fast for it to permanently scramble my brain.
“Since we raided Silence and got you out?”
He nodded.
“Three days, give or take. It wasn’t easy keeping you alive. I had to funnel water and paste down your throat. And you vomited on me more than once when I gave you too much.”
Sorry. He didn’t know how good she was at lip-reading, but he couldn’t bring himself to try to talk. Not when he sounded so bestial.
In response, she cupped his face in her hands and pressed her lips gently to his. It hurt a little, but not enough for him to want it to stop. The goodness of it flooded over him, providing some endorphins to offset the pain. For long moments, he just let her kiss him.
“If you didn’t know,” she said softly. “I’d want to die if you did.”
His heart twisted in his chest. Jael had been tortured time and again, first by scientists, then by enemy commanders as a merc. Physical pain had nothing new to teach him. Silence had never cracked the core of his mind, never figured out his Achilles heel. So once his flesh healed, he could step away and not let it haunt him.
Unlike words that had echoed in his head for turns. You’re not human. You’re a monster. A thing. I made you.
But he’d never been saved before, never had anyone care for him afterward. In the past, he always crawled off to some hole and waited to die. Except his physiology wouldn’t permit it. His body burned through fevers and infections, sealed his wounds, and left him strong enough to face more horror.
He could only imagine how monstrous he looked, a raw-meat thing stripped of any pretext at humanity, and yet she was still here, still touching him with exquisite tenderness. Stop now. Stop. Please, don’t ever stop. Her fingers slid into his hair, and it didn’t hurt, not even a twinge. Closing his eyes, he rested his head in her hands.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t more careful about Hex,” she whispered.
Jael shook his head without looking up. I didn’t think it was a threat either.
She went on, “I knew it wasn’t you right away, though. One look, one breath, and I was sure. I started making plans immediately to get you out. I wish it was faster.”
If he weren’t so damn tired, he’d give her a cocky grin, but now that his eyes were shut, he couldn’t seem to open them. He winked out, letting his body heal, as it always had.
When Jael roused next, another two days had passed. Curled up on the edge of the mattress, facing him, Dred looked a little better and no longer smelled as if she’d given up hope. All the bunks were occupied by dark shapes, so it must be down cycle. She rolled over and nearly fell off the bed; he reacted instinctively, pulling her against him. Twinges told him that his body still wasn’t entirely healed. Better me than someone else. I can survive it, I have before. Experience had taught him to retreat, until it felt like it was happening to someone else. The time with Silence paled before what he’d gone through in the labs and over a much longer span. They’d popped both his eyes, stripped all the flesh off his arms, and brought in random subjects to test his reproductive capacity. No matter the horror, he closed his eyes and vanished. But Jael used to worry that he wouldn’t come out again, or if he did, it would be in the shape they demanded.
Gently, he kissed Dred on the forehead. She stirred next to him, always a light sleeper, but then he’d known that. He wanted to see her sleepy response to him, had to know if she still looked at him the same way. Her eyes were green as life when they fluttered open.
She smiled. “Feeling better?”
“I hope I didn’t sick up again on you, love. Awful for my dignity.”
“No, you were quiet. Too much so for the others, they’ve been afraid that you’re putrid and dying, and that I’m cozied up to your soon-to-be corpse.”
“Not really your sort of thing, is it?”
“You know me so well.” She reached out, stroking his cheek, his jaw, and he lifted his chin, reveling in such a dear moment.
In Perdition, they were few and far between.
“How’s the ship coming?”
“Not sure,” she admitted. “The others have been working on it without me. Silence has made three or four runs at us, but she can’t get inside. It’s beyond entertaining to watch her frustration on the monitor.”
“You did steal her favorite toy.”
“You were mine first. And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you.”
She meant it, he knew. And “relief” was too small, too frail a word for what he felt. Nothing about the woman he loved had changed. In his secret heart, he’d feared she would see him as a broken thing, an object of pity. Apart from these sweet and tender emotions, she also offered complete acceptance. Dred kissed him softly on the nose, chin, and next his cheeks. The pleasure was beyond beauty, beyond freedom, beyond any one thing he’d ever known or wanted.
Breathless and aching, Jael tangled a hand in her hair, brought her mouth to his, and whispered the only truth he knew:
“I love you. More than life itself.”
15
A Pretty Web of Scars
Jael’s words filled Dred with a deep and incandescent joy, so out of keeping with this place. She dropped her voice low, just in case anyone else was awake. “I’ve never said it before. But I love you, too.”
She didn’t mention how difficult the last five days had been, taking care of him in such basic facilities. Tam and Keelah had scrubbed sheets and helped her change the bedding, often more than once a day. At one point, none of the other beds had sheets or blankets because they were all stained with blood or vomit—that or hanging up to dry. I thought I might lose you . . . that Silence brought you too close to death.
So she’d whispered to him, threats and promises. And now, he was awake, alert. Thank you, Mary. Dred never had much faith—she’d seen too much horror—but Jael’s recovery seemed miraculous, even considering his abilities.
“You say it like it’s a dirty secret.”
“I just don’t want to wake everyone else. They’ve been working hard.”
“While I was slacking.” The wry amusement in his tone prompted a reluctant smile from her as well.
Hardly able to believe she could, she traced his features lightly with one fingertip. “Do you . . . I mean, I know it was bad. I’ll listen if you need to talk.”
“Ah, you’re worried about my trauma, love? Back in the lab, Landau did terrible things twice before lunch. Sitting alone in a dark pit, nobody touching me, nobody talking, except the endless echo of Bug chitters? That was worse. I reckon I can handle pain better than isolation.”
Dred had the feeling he might be putting up a cheerful front, but she had no idea what to do about it. Forcing people to confront their true feelings? That wasn’t in her skill set. So she only nodded and went in for a soft kiss. Touch was easier than talk anyway.
“You’ll have scars,” she said.
To her surprise, he let out a relieved sigh. “Finally. It’s not right to go through what I have and for it to leave no trace. For your sake, though, I hope she didn’t ruin my pretty face.”
�
��Doesn’t matter.” Her voice was gentle. “As long as you stay with me.”
“They couldn’t pry me away with a hammer and chisel.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“Can you help me up? I have some pressing business in the san. Sorry to ruin the mood,” he added with a half smile.
“No, it’s fine. Come on.”
They were quiet as they crept past the others; Dred lent him her shoulder because he was still weak. His body had exhausted itself and spent nearly all resources bringing him back from the brink. Since the sanitary was small, she barely fit inside with him once the door closed. Dred turned her back so he could use the facilities, then he squeezed past her to step into the shower. The light was better in here, and she counted over fifty scars, some slim and silver, others thick and purple.
“I can feel you looking,” he said. “So wash my back.”
His back was relatively unmarked, at least compared to the rest of him. She dipped her hand in the dry soap and let the water mist over it, just enough to reconstitute, then uncharacteristically, she did exactly as he asked.
“Don’t get used to it.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
He was far too lean beneath her hands, no longer whipcord strong, but simply thin, most of the muscle burned away in the desperate quest to keep body and soul together. Her hands lingered on his shoulder blades, and she silently counted vertebrae with her fingertips, walking downward toward the scant curve of his bum. Jael smiled over his shoulder at her, rinsing off.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Like a dead man walking. Mary, I’m knackered. I don’t remember recovery making me feel so wretched before.”
“That’s because of me.”
“Worth it,” he said, turning off the trickle of water.
When he was dry, she handed him the clothes she’d scavenged. They were as clean as they could be, considering the circumstances, but from his expression at the stains, it was still slightly revolting. Since she’d found them moldering in a closet, she couldn’t disagree. Hand washing in a bucket could only do so much.
To console him, she said, “When we get out of here, we’ll buy something elegant to wear and eat at the poshest restaurant we can find.”
“Promises, promises. How’re we affording such luxury?”
“Not through a life of crime, that much is sure.”
“Never tell me that Perdition’s rehabbed you?” He aimed a look of mock astonishment her way.
“Near enough. I’ll never do anything that could land me in a place like this again.” She no longer cared if the world was full of monsters. At best, hunting killers had saved a few lives while ruining her own. Now she had someone special to protect.
Jael grinned. “It’d be enough not to get caught.”
“You’re madder than I thought if you’d risk another prison sentence.”
His levity faded, and he cupped her face in his hands. “You might think this is a strange warning, but there will always be danger if you stay with me. Anyone finds out what I am, I’ll be rounded up again. I’m never, ever free because I carry the crime of my creation with me.”
“Ah,” she said. “Well, if they try to take you, then I’ll do whatever it takes to stop them.”
“Whatever?” he breathed. “There you go again with such violent talk. What should I do? It’s turning me on something fierce.”
She glanced down, his grubby replacement clothing still in hand. “So it is. But I thought you were tired.”
“Funny how it fades when you start talking about bloodletting on my behalf.”
“Everyone else is right outside,” she said softly. “And we don’t have much space.”
He leaned in, dusting a kiss over her lower lip. “I can be quiet. Can you?”
She stepped closer. “I’m not sure. Let’s find out.”
• • •
JAEL couldn’t believe it when Dred pulled off her shirt. There was hardly room for them to stand, damp sheets piled on the floor. Despite how bad he wanted her, he had no idea how this would work. He wasn’t recovered enough to take her against the wall, but she seemed to realize this as she stepped out of her pants. She was deliciously, gloriously naked, and he hurt with wanting her. Need cramped his stomach and made him shake.
“This should work,” she whispered.
And draped a sheet across the san facilities, lid down. It wasn’t elegant, but he sat eagerly, reaching for her when she took too long. She settled on his lap, all muscled strength and silken heat. Even her scars were beautiful to him. He knotted his hands in her hair, tugging until she let her head fall back to expose her throat. With lips and teeth and tongue, he marked her, first on the side of her neck, then the curve of her shoulder.
Shivers ran through her, but she didn’t moan. Pleasure sparked in her green eyes, then her hands were all over him, stroking until he couldn’t hide the shudders of sensation; they drove him to buck his hips, trying to get closer still. She answered his unspoken plea by lifting her hips, and it was the sweetest, simplest completion when he glided home. Her weight took them the rest of the way, and for long moments, he just held on to her, shivering with the silent intensity of that exquisite stillness. Then she began to move in tight, slow circles, somehow intuiting that he needed to be passive and that her body could partly eradicate the pain. He breathed in quick, shallow gasps, not even trying to control himself. Jael jerked each time she rolled her hips, enthralled and drowning in delight.
“Just tell me what you need,” she breathed right into his ear.
Another shiver wracked him. “Just you. And this.”
She still wants me. This isn’t sympathy.
For her sake, he wanted to last longer, but he just couldn’t. All too soon, he swelled and came, muffling the sound in the side of her neck. She was still soft and aroused, tense atop him, so he touched her with tender fingertips, reveling in how quickly she came undone when there had once been so much resistance to his touch. Now, she was all melting heat, breathless, helpless against him. The downside of that was how much it turned him on.
He was hard again by the time she calmed.
Her eyes widened. “Seriously?”
“It’s your fault, love.”
“But can you really . . . ?”
“Not sure. Shall we find out?”
In response, she rode him slowly, patiently, as if she didn’t believe he had any spark left in him, but she was willing to indulge him for a little while. He traced her cheeks, her lips, then framed her face in his hands. Dred gazed into his eyes as they moved together, the sweetest stare, then he slid his palms downward over her muscled biceps to the divot of her waist and the curve of her hips.
“Lean in a little,” he whispered.
She did, tilting forward so he could wrap his arms around her. Her breasts shifted against his chest, so much beautiful heat. His need kicked up a notch from a low thrum to definite drive. And she felt that sharpening inside her. Dred’s movements increased on him.
“Good?”
He kissed her, hard. Her tongue moved against his, hungry, starving. She tasted like sunrise, freedom, and forever, maddening him because no matter how much of her he had, she always left him craving more. Her mouth flowered beneath his, becoming soft and swollen from the pressure, mirroring the shift of their bodies.
Give and take, slide and thrust.
“You can’t really—” Her question cracked on a moan.
“Don’t talk. Just feel me.”
Her breath came quicker, and he could tell when she lost the ability to think. She closed her eyes, hands digging into his shoulders. This time he didn’t have to use his fingers at all.
His orgasm was more spirit than body, driven by her muffled cries, but it felt no less intense. In fact, it left him even more shaken, reali
zing that she could coax feats of pleasure from him that he hadn’t even known he could experience.
I love you.
But it was too soon to say it again. Jael could hardly stand by the time Dred slipped off his lap. She had to help him dress, and he leaned on her to get back to the dormitory. The others were awake by then, waiting for a turn in the san, and he didn’t even care. Their knowing smirks slid right off him as he collapsed on the bunk. She wouldn’t let him pass out, however; Dred insisted he drink some water and suck down a serving of protein paste before she let him close his eyes. There were no monsters waiting for him in the dark this time. He only saw her face, uplifted in ecstasy, her mouth soft and open against his, panting her pleasure.
The mattress depressed when she sank down on the side of it; he felt her nearby, even before she touched him. Her hands on his head, stroking his hair gently, sent tingles down his spine. Jael smiled without opening his eyes.
“You should sleep a little more. If you’ll be all right, I’ll get to work with the others.” But she didn’t move yet, waiting for his dismissal.
Oddly, it didn’t rankle. He didn’t care if she thought he was weak. He only cared that she’d offered to stay if he needed her.
“I’m fine,” he said.
There would be bad dreams waiting, more fuel for the nightmarish flames. But none of that mattered . . . because Dred loved him.
And he’d gladly walk through the fires of hell if she was waiting on the other side.
16
A Different Way to Die
In the days Dred had spent with Jael, the others had made some progress. Apparently, they had decided to convert the two maintenance rigs and were disassembling the back ends with the intent of welding the two together. The life-support systems would need to be overhauled, and it would be a tight fit inside—with primitive conditions—as even with jury-rigging, she couldn’t imagine what facilities could be provided.
