Over dinner, we made small talk about safe topics like our jobs and our taste in music and movies. Ned laughed his ass off when I admitted that the guys thought I liked classic rock, but I was a closet pop music fan, but I didn’t mind. I would be the butt of any joke just to see him so happy.
When I told him about Daisy, he seemed surprised I had a small dog instead of something like a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler. Even if I didn’t have an apartment, I wouldn’t have wanted a big dog like that. I loved my little dog that fit perfectly in my lap.
“That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard,” Ned said.
I just shrugged. Maybe it was sweet, but I was serious. I may not have been a fanatic like Cooper was, but I loved that damn dog.
“We never had any pets growing up,” Ned said.
“Really?”
That surprised me. As perfect as Ned’s family seemed, I would have expected them to have a Golden Retriever or a Lab or something along those lines.
“Not because our parents wouldn’t allow it.” Ned laughed. “They actually said we could have a dog, but the problem was we could never agree on what kind of dog we wanted. We spent so many days arguing about it that our parents finally said we couldn’t have a dog and maybe we should just get a fish tank instead so that we could each pick out a fish we liked.”
“That sounds like a good compromise.”
Ned smirked. “You would think so, only we never got a fish tank either.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“Ricky and I wanted a fresh water tank and Kiel and Gerry wanted a salt water tank and Ollie said he couldn’t pick because he didn’t want any of us to be mad at him.”
“I’m guessing things like that happened a lot in your house?”
“All the time and I’m sure it drove our parents crazy because our mom was always saying we were the reason she was going gray so early.”
“You’re lucky though, having two parents who love you so much. Our parents were more interested in partying than taking care of us.”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“It’s all right. It sucks, but I don’t want any secrets between us.”
A shadow passed over Ned’s face to put me on alert. Was I reading more into this than he was? I didn’t think so, and I sure as hell hoped not because I was already halfway in love with him.
“Do you still talk to your parents?”
His tone was careful, as though he was afraid of upsetting me, but he didn’t have to worry. I had long since made my peace with my fucked up childhood.
“Gary’s dead, and I haven’t seen Marjorie since his funeral where she tried to hit me up for money,” I answered. “Unfortunately, I’m sure I haven’t heard the last of her. She’ll be around when she wants more money and forgets that I want nothing to do with her.”
“Gary was your dad?”
“More like my sperm donor, but yeah, and Marjorie was the bitch that carried us to term.”
When Ned flinched, I was afraid I might have gone too far, but there was no love lost between us. I wasn’t even ten yet when I gave up calling her Mom in favor of using her first name.
“I’m sorry for what you went through, but it looks like you have a pretty great life now.”
“I do, and as messed up as it sounds, I think it’s because they were such shitty parents that Coop and I turned out the way we did. We were determined not to be like them.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Speaking of having a great life, yours seems pretty good,” I said. “You’ve got a good family, a solid career, a nice house and your new boyfriend is pretty awesome if I do say so myself.”
I was only halfway joking, testing the waters. My heart sank when a worried look flickered in his eyes as he bit his lower lip. Shit, okay. This sucked, but I wasn’t going to give up yet.
“Hey, I’m not trying to rush you. We can take things as slow as you need.”
“I know, but we should probably talk.”
We should probably talk. Was there a more ominous set of words in the English language? Nope, and I wasn’t stupid. Ned was about to give me a speech along the lines of how this had been fun, but he wasn’t ready for something serious. As much as it sucked, I would respect his wishes.
“Let’s, um, go in the living room, and I’ll clean up later,” Ned suggested.
With a heavy heart, I got up and followed him. The amazing dinner was a poor consolation, but it wasn’t like there was anything I could do about it.
When I dropped down on the couch, Ned claimed the love seat. The fact that he was already putting distance between us wasn’t lost on me. I was tempted to let him off the hook and say that he didn’t have to worry about letting me down gently. It had been fun, but we could go our separate ways as friends. No hard feelings.
It was the faint hope that maybe he wasn’t going to give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech that kept me quiet.
Ned didn’t speak right away, making the silence between us feel even heavier. I wondered if he was waiting for me to get the conversation ball rolling, but I had no idea where to start.
Finally, he took a deep breath. “I like you, Heath, a lot more than I probably should.”
I didn’t say anything. I mean, what do you say to that? Thanks, I like you too? You can like me as much as you want; I don’t mind?
“The thing is I don’t think…” Ned shook his head before he spoke again. “No, I know, I can’t give you what you want.”
I frowned. “What do you think I want?”
Ned pulled his bottom lip between his teeth again. “Sex,” he whispered. “At least not the kind a man like you wants.”
My frown deepened. “I’m totally lost here.”
Ned sat up straighter, resolution written all over his face. “I was a senior in high school when I lost my virginity. Jeff and I had been dating about four months before we felt ready enough to do it. We were both virgins, which was nice, you know. There wasn’t any pressure, but I wanted him. Hormones, you know.” Ned chuckled weakly. “Anyway, the night of winter formal, he got us a hotel room. We’d done a lot of making out by then so I wasn’t scared, just a little nervous. Jeff had already told me there was no way he was ever going to bottom so I knew he was going to be the one taking me, which was fine, but like I said, I was nervous, because I knew it would probably hurt a little. I mean, how could it not? I just wasn’t prepared for how much it hurt.”
I grimaced. “He was too rough with you?”
“No, at least I don’t think so,” Ned answered. “For some reason, I was really tense. The muscles wouldn’t relax and he had a hard time, um, fitting.”
I wanted to find this bastard and kick the shit out of him for not taking his time with Ned.
“I thought it was just because I was a virgin so I didn’t worry too much. I thought it would get better.”
“And it didn’t.”
It wasn’t a question. The defeat in his voice and the way his shoulders were starting to slump made it clear.
“We only tried a couple of more times before we broke up, but it was the same thing,” Ned admitted. “In college, I started dating a really nice guy named Quinn. And when I say really nice, I mean we dated for almost six months before I put out because I was afraid of it turning out like it did in high school.”
I already knew it did. The distress he was putting out was so palpable I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him that he didn’t have to say anymore. I didn’t though because I sensed it was important for him to get this out.
“It was the same,” Ned admitted. “I was convinced it was because I was so in my head about it. You know, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. We tried a few more times, but it was the same so I eventually broke up with him.
“I tried, um, learning how to loosen myself up so I could be better for the next guy. I bought…toys. They didn’t work. I could never relax enough to use even the smallest
toy so I figured my body just wasn’t built for sex.
“After that, I became a serial dater. Did the hookup thing but stuck to blow jobs and hand jobs, anything that let me avoid penetration. That worked for a while, until I was twenty-two.”
I didn’t like where this was heading. I could tell I was going to want to lose my shit by the time he was done, but I would have to keep it together so I didn’t scare him off.
“I was at this fraternity party, blowing off steam after mid-terms, and I met this guy. He was good-looking and seemed sweet, and I liked the fact that he wasn’t drunk like so many other people there.
“We got to talking and sparks were flying and I agreed to go to his room. When we got there, we made out for a while and ended up naked when he started playing with my ass and saying he wanted to fuck me so hard.
“I told him he couldn’t. I would if I could but my body didn’t work that way. I promised I’d still make it good for him though, but he just smiled at me and told me that I just hadn’t found the right guy to take care of me.
“At first, I thought he was just posturing you know. I wasn’t even scared when he shoved a finger in me. I was pissed that he wasn’t listening and that he was just invading my body without even trying to make it good for me.
“I tried to shove him off, but he told me to relax. That’s when I told him I was done and to let me up, but he didn’t.”
Ned was trembling by this point, and I could see him slipping into the past. I wished I could go with him so I could save him from what I already knew was coming.
“He put a hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet so we didn’t get caught. I don’t even know how it happened. I was fighting him so hard at that point, but it didn’t matter. He was so much bigger than me, and he didn’t care that I didn’t want what he was doing.
“It was the worst pain of my life and it felt like it was never going to end. It was like he was ripping me in two, and no matter what I did, he wouldn’t stop.”
Tears spilled down his cheeks and I clenched my fists together. I needed this guy’s name, but I doubted Ned would give it to me. Maybe Derek would.
“When it was over, he just smiled and said he knew he could make it good for me,” Ned said, his voice shaking. “I was so scared he was going to keep me there and try to do it again before he killed me, but when I jumped off the bed and got dressed, he didn’t try to stop me. The asshole actually asked for my phone number so we could do it again.
“I told him I didn’t have my phone, but I’d find him on campus and give it to him later, and then I ran. I don’t even know how I got back to my apartment. I knew I needed to call the cops, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t matter. It would just be my word against his, and he’d say I wanted it. I didn’t want the shame of trying to prove I didn’t so I took a shower and crawled in bed.
“I don’t know how long I stayed there before my brothers showed up. They were worried because I wasn’t answering my phone. I didn’t want to tell them what happened, but we’ve never kept secrets from each other. It didn’t take much for them to get it out of me.
“Derek was already a cop by then, he’d been with the department about a year, and I thought he would be pissed I hadn’t called the police, but he wasn’t. He knew I was right about it being my word against his. I didn’t know it until later, but he found the guy and beat the shit out of him, even though it could have meant the end of his career if someone found out.”
I didn’t think it was appropriate to ask why he let the guy live so I stayed quiet.
“I quit everything after that. No dating, no hooking up, I didn’t even talk to guys. I just focused on finishing school and then my job. At first, it was all about me, my safety. Then I realized it was more than that. It wouldn’t be fair to be with a guy when I could never give him what he wanted.” Ned looked up at me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be what you need me to be.”
That was it. I couldn’t take this anymore, couldn’t handle watching him cry. Slowly, so I didn’t frighten him, I moved to sit beside him on the couch. Taking his face in my hands, I thumbed away his tears.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” I kept my tone gentle but let my determination bleed through. “You are everything I need and want.”
“What about sex? You can’t tell me you don’t want it.”
“Of course I do, and we’ll have sex.”
Ned’s face fell and his shoulders sagged.
“Sex isn’t just about penetration, baby,” I said. “There is so much we can do to be physically connected that doesn’t include having a dick in your ass.”
“That won’t be enough for you.”
There was an aching sadness in his words.
“Yes, it will because I want you more than I want to fuck you,” I assured him. “I want to take you to all the Farmers’ Markets and wine tasting tours you want just so I can see you smile. I want to make you laugh because I think it’s the most beautiful sound in the world. I want to rub your feet after you’ve had a hard day at work. I want to whisper things in your ear that make you blush because you look so sweet when you do. And I want to kiss you and touch you and hold you close. Not because I’m looking for a convenient hole but because I want you to feel how much you mean to me. I want to make you believe that you aren’t just enough. You’re more than enough, Ned, and any man who hasn’t figured that out before doesn’t deserve you. Truthfully, I probably don’t either, but I want you enough that I’m going to do everything I can to prove it to you. Will you let me do that, baby? Let me show you how much I’m going to love you and try to love me one day?”
Ned’s eyes went wide.
“Yes, I mean it,” I said, holding his stunned gaze. “I’m falling in love with you, Ned Nice, and I would give anything for you to one day feel the same about me, but I would never force you to accept my feelings.”
“You’re sure it’s okay, Heath? It’s okay that I’m broken?”
“You are not broken, baby. You’re perfect, and one day I’m going to make you believe it when I say it. Right now, I’m just asking for a chance to do that.”
“Okay,” Ned whispered.
I could tell he didn’t believe me yet, but he wanted to. The desperation to do so was dancing in his beautiful brown eyes.
“That’s my baby,” I murmured, and his lips quirked upward. “I’m going to kiss you now. Is that okay?”
“Please,” Ned said on a sigh.
Still holding his face in my hands, I leaned forward and pressed my mouth to his. Those lush lips felt as good against mine as I knew they would, better even. When a gasp parted his lips, I swept my tongue into his mouth, praying I wasn’t going to scare him.
I didn’t need to worry. Ned threaded his arms around my neck and pulled me closer. Groaning into his mouth, I let go of his face to wrap my arms around his waist, though I made sure to keep the hold gentle so that he wouldn’t feel trapped.
As our tongues tangled, I would have sworn there were fireworks going off in the room. They were definitely going off in my body, making me want to lay him across the couch and rut against him until we were both satisfied.
If he was any other man, I probably would have, but Ned needed something different from me. I needed to earn his trust, and I was determined to make sure I did.
Pulling back, I kept him in the circle of my arms and rested my forehead against his. The sound of our panting filled the room as we held each other close.
Holding his trembling body against mine, I breathed in his scent and I knew I was wrong. I wasn’t falling in love with Ned. I loved him already, and the lust filled eyes boring into mine gave me hope that one day he might feel the same.
Chapter Fourteen
Ned
On my way to Heath’s place on Tuesday morning, I stopped to pick up coffee and bagels. I still felt like I needed to pinch myself. I’d expected him to run in the opposite direction when I told him I couldn’t have anal sex.
I didn’t expect to be making plans to see him the next day and I sure didn’t expect to be given a kiss that curled my toes, melted my mind and stole my breath; a kiss that I’d jerked off to the memory of before going to bed last night.
Part of me was afraid Heath still might run. That it would be fine for a little while, but he would get sick of my limitations and throw in the towel. I could cross that bridge when I came to it. Until then, I was going to take a chance and trust him.
Heath’s apartment complex was nicer than he’d made it sound. I wondered if he would have been so worried if he hadn’t seen my home first.
I did my share of apartment dwelling while I’d saved enough for the down payment of my house. It took a lot of cut corners and scrimping and saving to make it happen, but buying was smarter than renting. Not that I thought Heath was dumb. His priorities were just different. While I’d saved for and then invested in my house, Heath had done the same for his business.
Looking around, I didn’t see any reason for him to be embarrassed.
His apartment complex was gated, which was a plus for me. Of course, the fact that the gate allowing access to the complex currently stood wide open negated some of the safety factor, but okay. Maybe they closed the gate when it got dark.
The surrounding landscaping looked well cared for and there wasn’t any errant trash or broken down cars marring the area. No one was swimming in the pool I passed, which I assumed was due to how early in the morning it was, but it was clean. A pool was one thing I missed about apartment living. Well, that and not having to do my own yard work. Since I wasn’t one of those green thumb people who loved taking care of my lawn, it looked all right, but it was nothing to write home about. I kept swearing I was going to break down and hire someone to do it, but so far I hadn’t.
Once I found Heath’s building, I pulled into one of the stalls marked as visitor’s parking. Grabbing our breakfast, I emerged from the car and set the alarm before heading up the stone walkway that led to his unit. Still, I double checked that I was at the right apartment before ringing the bell. As soon as it chimed, the sound of a dog barking came from the other side followed by a rumbling, ‘Knock it off. It’s just the doorbell’ which made me smile.
Going Inksane (Nice Ink Book 1) Page 16
