by Orla Bailey
“Of course.” Am I kidding myself there’s hope? I’m thinking on my feet here. “I want you to know, Jack, that I trust you completely.”
His eyebrow wings. “My trustworthiness hasn’t been called into question, has it?”
I could get on my high horse and throw out accusations about his hands-on relationship with Amanda or that if he cared a jot, he would believe me without proof but I’m determined to make sure Amanda doesn’t get away with this. I believe Jack still loves me or he wouldn’t be so injured. And I love him way too much to throw it all away.
“Trust breeds trust. If I trust you completely, no matter what you demand of me, I know I can gain your trust back. In time.”
I don’t think I’d still be sitting here if he wasn’t interested in what I have to say. He’s not ready to end things between us and that thought encourages me.
“How exactly do you expect to achieve that aim?”
It comes to me in an instant. “You decide.”
The stern appearance on his face relaxes slightly. “Are you telling me that you’re willing to follow the demands I make of you, no matter what?”
“Yes.”
“Why would you do this now? You must know how angry I am with you.”
“That’s why it’s the perfect time.”
“You’d trust me not to take advantage?”
“I know you’d never hurt me just as I would never knowingly hurt you.”
“Sit.”
I comply instantly; an act of faith. He leans over, hands resting on the arms of the chair, so I can feel his breath at my temple. “Trust this, Tabitha, I feel beyond angry after witnessing you in the arms of another man when you’d come straight from mine.”
“I trust you.”
“Perhaps you shouldn’t.”
“I do. I always will.”
“Then answer my questions honestly.”
“Of course.”
He crosses his arms. “Do you hate Amanda?”
“Yes.” A no-brainer. He’d know in an instant if I lied about that one.
“Enough to frame her for something she didn’t do?”
This is a tricky one. “At this very moment? Possibly. But I’m not framing her for this. She’s framing me.”
“Are you jealous of her?”
“Does she say I am?”
“Answer the damn question!”
“Yes. Yes, I’m jealous of her.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s your friend.” I say it with the right emphasis to let him know I know they are much, much more than that.
He doesn’t allay my fears. “Yes, she is my friend.” His silence while I force myself not to react pushes the blade even deeper. A lonely tear rolls down my face and I lower my eyes to the floor. “Look at me.”
I snap my eyes up, hurting badly.
“We’ve been more than friends.” He spirals the knife into my heart with another twist.
Painful acknowledgement escapes my lips. It’s every bit as bad as I feared. They’ve been intimate. Lovers. He loved her once and still does, especially now he thinks he can’t trust me. She’s got everything she wanted.
“You see how much I want to hurt you?”
“You’re doing a very good job.”
“Do you still trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Enough to make another deal with someone so cruel?”
“You’re only doing this because I hurt you too.”
“You did a good job as well.” He straightens, his stance more rigid than ever. That lone nerve pulses in his tightened jaw. “You sent me to a very dark place.”
“I’m sorry.” I want to take him in my arms but I know he isn’t ready.
“Me too.” The reply is ambiguous.
“And the deal?” I remind him.
“What do you expect to get out of it?”
“Your trust again. That’s all I want.”
“What do I get?”
“Anything you want.” I read the suspicion in his eyes. “If you want me, you can have me. I’m yours. I’ve always been yours.”
A dark lust flares in his eyes. Does he want to mark me again as his own? My body tightens. A natural response to being so near him. I don’t even care if he wants to punish me. I need him to want me the way I want him. Physically. Emotionally.
He appears unmoved by the offer.
“But I have two conditions,” I tell him.
He laughs coldly. “You’ve learnt something from our time together. You’re certainly a better negotiator this time around. Your two conditions?”
“I can continue to investigate the situation I’m in, whether you believe it or not.”
He doesn’t hesitate. “Reasonable, under the circumstances. The second?”
I let it out in a rush. “You return home to live at Belvedere.”
He observes me for a long time. “Then I have two conditions of my own,” he counters.
“Reasonable. Under the circumstances.” I’m fighting fire with fire. And he didn’t say no.
What he says hurts more. “You sleep in the guest room.”
My heart deflates. “Whatever you decide.” For now.
I can’t expect things to be exactly the way they were before but he has no idea how much that stings. Whereas I need it more than ever, he no longer seeks intimacy with me. If it’s a result of his rekindled love for Amanda, living under the same roof will kill me. Perhaps all my efforts will be in vain if he’s only seeking an opportunity to punish me before going to her.
Yet I mustn’t allow fear to consume me the way it has my entire life. I’ve lost everyone I ever loved. I won’t lose Jack a second time. My love is strong and it will endure whatever it takes. I’ll make him love me again. “Your second demand?”
“Prove, here and now, you’re fully committed to accepting my decisions.”
A test of my resolve? I recall how I showed my commitment to accepting the terms of our first deal. I fulfilled his fantasy by eating peach yoghurt at the breakfast table, naked. I don’t expect this to be anywhere near so much fun.
“Anything.” My heart rate triples.
“Apologise to Amanda for making that unproven accusation against her.”
My breath stalls. As an act of contrition it’s excruciating. He’s such a clever man, calling my bluff in that way. Perhaps he expects me to refuse. To fall at the first hurdle. But I stick my chin up, offering my hand to shake before he worsens the parameters. “I accept both terms, if you accept mine. Do we have a deal?”
“We do.” When he takes my hand in his, my stomach wrenches for loss of him. He grips for a second then turns my wrist like he’s about to drop a kiss on my inner wrist the way he did that first time, in his boardroom. But it’s a mind game. My disappointment when he allows my fingers to slide from his, is profound. Such is the level of his power over me and my enthrallment to it.
“Where is the woman?” I ask, preferring to get the worst over with sooner rather than later.
“Her office I presume. I’ll take you.” He moves towards the door with an easy grace not even needing to question if I follow, yet I dread even this much submission before her.
But it’s Jack I’m submitting to. Only Jack. And at least it will throw her off the scent that I fully intend to bring her evil deeds to justice.
Amanda glances up as we enter, abruptly ending the call she’s making and slips her phone into her handbag. I wonder exactly who she was updating on developments. The momentary look of unease on her face is swiftly concealed.
“Tabitha has something she wishes to say to you,” Jack reveals, stepping back.
I’m fully aware his eyes are on me. I’d rather gnaw off my own face than apologise to the devious bitch but a new deal is in force. If I can just get the words past the obstruction in my throat, Jack will return to Belvedere and once there, I’ll have the chance to change his mind.
I rely on everything I’ve learnt. Jack taught me a CEO
has to do unpleasant things. Well so does a woman fighting for love. I stand tall.
“I’m very sorry, Amanda, that I accused you of setting me up without a shred of evidence.” The apology makes my head throb despite the subtly ambiguous words. Next time I confront her – as I fully intend to – I’ll have all the proof I need. It’s the only comfort I get. I look at Jack to detect a tiny flicker of compassion, soon quashed.
We both turn to her. Wary yet astonished, she swivels her eyes between us. Naturally she reads the situation perfectly and walks round the desk to hug me in what appears to be a friendly act of forgiveness. It’s the human equivalent of being hugged by a boa constrictor, crushing my bones before consuming me whole. Only she and I know it’s for Jack’s benefit.
“Let’s say no more about it, shall we, sweetie? It can’t have been easy to confess after… well… you know. Such unfortunate circumstances.”
I want to slap her but say and do nothing to cause offense.
“Take an early lunch, Amanda. Tabitha and I have business to conclude.” He holds the door open for me then strides past, leading the way back to his office.
I glance back. Amanda looks extremely perturbed by her second sudden dismissal of the day which goes a long way to making me feel better. Being at his disposal twenty-four seven doesn’t necessarily mean that much.
Jack pops his head into his PA’s office. “I’m not to be disturbed for any reason whatsoever, Dorothy. I’m totally unavailable.”
She gives me a strangely reassuring thumbs up behind his back as I follow along behind.
He shuts us inside while my heart turns somersaults.
Chapter Five
Jack paces with a restless energy.
The impression I get is of a man trying to compose himself before a confrontation. Each circuit makes my stomach lurch. Much as I crave physical contact; as desperate as I am to rush to him, beg him to hug me tight and tell me everything will be alright, it feels a whole heap safer knowing there’s a way out behind me.
No matter what chance he’s offering to prove myself, a mixture of quiet rage and disillusionment radiates off him in waves. If this was purely a business decision I’d be long gone by now. I know that. But that is the optimistic notion I cling to. I mean more to him than any business deal.
“What are you wearing?”
I glance down having forgotten the familiar old grey suit. It isn’t the first thing I expected Jack to focus his attention on, that’s for sure. “This is me, Jack. Nothing special.”
“Perhaps you don’t believe you deserve any better.”
Ouch. It’s going to be a long journey home but I focus on the destination. “I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not.” And if that distinguishes me from the perfectly deceitful Amanda so much the better.
“Who exactly are you?” Jack’s acid tone scores its mark.
“Right now, I’m someone scared of losing the best thing that ever happened to me.” For the first time I admit my fear out loud. But it’s a time for truth.
He scoffs. “So you’d rather sabotage things before that happens?” His eyes drill me but I see the hurt there and it’s the only thing stopping me from lashing out too.
“I didn’t intend that.”
“It just happened.”
“It happened to me. I didn’t plan it.”
“To get caught? Did you think I wouldn’t notice you gone all night?”
“Hold onto that thought.” I appeal to his sense of logic. “Even I couldn’t be that stupid.”
“You’re talking in riddles.”
“No. I’m making sense. When you stop hating me you’ll see it too.”
“Christ, Tabitha.” He claws his fingers through his hair until the look of confusion on his face breaks my heart. “If I hated you, this would be easy.” He looks about ready to detonate.
A half-sob bubbles up my throat but I force it back down.
Jack sinks into his chair, steeling his emotions, as we view each other in painful silence. Elbows planted on the desk, he steeples his fingers to his chin and stares, leaving me to imagine the thoughts circling like vultures through his mind. The rough masculine gaze which sweeps over me alternates a feather’s touch with a bull-whip’s sting. I ache so much inside. Yet beneath his controlled exterior, I sense a molten mass of fury and disappointment brewing away, reducing me to sinner with little hope of absolution for my sins.
“Do you want to know why I don’t end this right now?” His voice rumbles through me. “Why I’m even listening?”
“Because even I deserve that much?”
I get the Look times ten. “Because Harry Caid listened to me. I’m doing this for him.”
He’s remorseless but I steer a steady ship though the storm. I’m innocent in all of this and angry at him too, for not believing me but I’m saving that conversation for later. If nothing else we’re talking which is a success of sorts and I knew that whatever happened, this wasn’t going to be easy. I focus on the positives.
But he’s not getting things entirely his own way. “Harry never demanded proof of your integrity.”
“I didn’t betray Harry.”
“I didn’t betray you.” I’ll repeat it as often as I have to.
He slaps his hands so suddenly on the surface of his desk, I flinch. “So you keep saying. Yet you’re expecting me to ignore the evidence of my own eyes.”
An intense pain stabs at the space behind mine. “If you’re so convinced I’m guilty, why don’t you end whatever this is between us? It would be a lot less painful than wounding both of us over and over.”
“I tried.”
I’m so hurt by his admission I retaliate. “Try harder.”
Jack’s cool smile has me instantly wary. “Are you asking me to finish things? Perhaps that is what you want. A way out without any of the responsibility attached.” He watches meticulously for my reaction.
“Four years back, you had no problem finishing things. You left. You should find it much easier now you’ve had the practice.” I fight to hold it together. “I’m sorry I ever trusted you.”
“Are you?”
“Yes… No. Do you enjoy torturing me?”
He ignores the question. “I want to know why you were with that bastard.” I’ve never seen Jack’s eyes so relentless and cold. Like a polar night. But he’s brutalizing himself this time. “I already know what he was doing to you.”
“Stop it, Jack.” I step towards him. “I never saw that man before in my life.”
“So you would have me believe. Who else have you been with since we’ve been together?”
I’m shocked at the turn in discussion. “Nobody.”
“Ben Gunn?”
“How can you say that? Ben Gunn forced himself on me.”
“Happens to you a lot, does it?”
“That’s a cheap shot.”
“Luc then?”
“I was drunk and stupid.” I know how awful everything looks.
“Yes. You were.”
My voice fades. “Don’t say it like that.”
“How do you want me to say it?”
“Like you believe I want only you.”
He pitches forwards, making my anxiety levels rise. “Why?”
I don’t understand the point of this but if it’s what he needs... “You were the first man I ever wanted. The first. I wanted to share that special part of me with you. Only you. It wasn’t easy to make myself vulnerable like that but I trusted you. I trusted you… And you failed me.”
Black pupils swallow half their Arctic blue oceans. “I saved you.”
I shake my head. “I never imagined you’d reject me so coldly but you did. I needed you to be my first lover. I even begged you.” There’s no holding back the tears of anguish and shame that roll down my face. “You wouldn’t even speak to me afterwards. Made sure you never had to see me again. Couldn’t make it clearer you didn’t want me.”
“So you’re punishing me.”<
br />
“No, I’m still punishing myself, apparently.”
His brow furrows. “It was bad timing.”
“What was? You’re the most confusing man I’ve ever met. You’re so cryptic. Why can’t you just say what you mean?”
“I’m trying to. I’ve been trying to. You just don’t want to believe what I’m telling you. For me to have taken your virginity four years ago wouldn’t have been the right thing to do.”
“Not if you didn’t care about me. I should be grateful you didn’t have me just for the kicks.”
He looks genuinely shocked. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“You’ve been doing it to me recently.”
“Damn you, Tabitha.”
“I was a stupid, needy little girl with a pathetic crush.” That’s how he saw me. Like Amanda keeps reminding me. “Too young and dumb to interest a man like you.”
“Not like that. I couldn’t because I cared about you.”
“So you don’t care now, is that it?”
His voice rumbles like thunder. “I care.”
We stare at one another.
And I see my chance. “If you want me to believe that, Jack, despite all evidence to the contrary, you’d better start remembering the concept applies to both of us.”
He exhales harshly. “I can’t get my head around what I saw and what you’re telling me.”
“I don’t think I ever got my head around your rejection.”
“So this is payback?”
“No! But I’m still hurting. One day I trusted you wanted me, the next I had to watch you from a distance with some other woman hanging off your arm.”
“I’ve seen you in newspapers looking worse than that.”
How can he compare an opportunistic paparazzi snap of me with Ben Gunn at the Commerce Ball with what I had to confront, day after day, month after month? “I felt abandoned by you. Betrayed. Perhaps the way you’re feeling now,” I suggest. “Because I risked everything to show you how much I wanted you.”
“I didn’t leave you because you asked me to take your virginity.” His voice is steady and emphatic. He’s not changing his story.
“You didn’t exactly respond to the idea the way I hoped, either. You were horrified. Disgusted even that I threw myself at you. You think I don’t know that?”
